Hard Times

I've been having a hard time. Sunday Grandma died. She died peacefully at home surrounded by family and with last rites. I'm sad. I'm going to miss her smile and her voice. I hope I remember her voice. I don't remember or only vaguely remember by Grandpa and Uncle's voices. Or how she walked around - quickly and always with a purpose. Or the twinkle in her eye when she was smiling. She had a twinkle. I don't want to forget it.

One minute I'm in the car and the next I'm crying while driving. It's a strange thing. I think that I'm grieving the loss of her and of the whole family. I don't know that we'll ever get together as a family again. Weddings maybe. Future funerals probably. But never to just get together. It makes me sad. I grew up and have lots of memories of this large family and I'm going to miss it. Memories of being with my cousins at the farm. Memories of Christmases, Thanksgivings, Mother's Days and family parties. Surrounded by many aunts, uncles and cousins. Always something to do and someone to talk to. Listening to the adults talking. I'm going to miss it all. A lot.

They asked me to be a pall bearer. I said yes. I couldn't say no with my Dad looking at me the way that he was. I just couldn't. And I hope I have the strength, mentally and physically to do this.

I miss you already Grandma.

Disappointing Day

I experienced something last night that I've never experienced before. I've encountered it on the internet, but never been the subject of it.

People often times talk about situations that involve people in the abstract. For instance I've seen a group of people on the internet talk about Gay Rights, the idea of it. They have definate ideas about Gay Rights. Ideas that they've come to by reading things and talking to others of like minds. What they don't realize is that on the other end of the computer is a gay person living the life. The actual real life.

Last night people talked about Pete and I like that. They refered to us as the title we have within that group. They talked about us using our title, almost as if we weren't there. Pete and I remained silent. We tried to let it roll it off our backs. We tried to put it in perspective with relation to the meeting we were having. We tried.

In the end we walked out.

It's hard to sit there and be talked about in the abstract and not take what people are saying personally. Really hard. It ends in hurt feelings.

So I'm reminded again that people need to remember that when they talk about ideas in the abstract, they need to remember that there are real humans involved in those ideas. People and their lives.

Name Change!

I finally made it to the licensing place to get my drivers license changed to my married name. It's so close to my birthday that I didn't have to get one now and then another in a few months. New picture though and I was sick and not feeling well when they took it. Oh well, I never look good in DL pictures.

Then I went to the bank and changed my name on my accounts there. I'm going to stop at the other 2 banks today and do the same. Next week I'm going to take an afternoon off and head to the Social Security office. I need to get thant changed before I can change it at work.

I also need to get the utilities changed over and see if I can get the mortgage changed or not. I'm not sure if they'll do that.

It's a lot of work to become a Mrs!

Letting go...

My Grandma is 94. She's an amazing woman. The things tht she has lived through will continue to amaze me for years. She took care of her father and the household after her mother was in a hospital. She lived through hard hard times. Kept up the same house for her husband, my Grandpa. We'd sit in wonder at her ability to make bread without a recipe becuse she'd done it for so long.

She's living a long and hopefully fulfilling life.

But she is back in the hospital. She has what is probably lukemia, but isn't willing to go through the tests to make sure. She's got issues with her organs shutting down. And I think she's just tired.

Which leads me to where I am in all this. When I was in college I spent 1.5 years going to funerals. Loved ones and very good friends. It was a hellish year. No other way to explain it. I sat it wondered who would die next. Then, it stopped. And I really haven't been to the funeral of a loved one or close friend until Pete's Dad died in April. So just thinking about this is hard.

She told my Dad last night that she just wanted to die in her sleep. And to be clear, she was sharp as a tack and said that she wanted to die last night specifically. So while I'd love for her to be around forever, I need to let go so that she can do what is best for her.

So, to Grandma Laura, I love you.

The bet.

I think I was about 12 or so and in the car with my Dad. We were discussing the President and the election. Being the idealist that I am, I asked why there was no female President. My Dad explained that the country probably had reservations about a female leader.

We discussed this for quite a while and I think my Dad was trying to let me down gently. Trying to tell me that I could reach whatever heights I wanted. That I shouldn't let anything stop me. But, to remember that outside influences still sometimes prevail over my dreams.

At any rate, we made a bet. It came because my Dad commented that there would be an African American President before there was a woman President. I bet him $100 that there would be a woman President by the time I was 18.

Yes. I know. Idealism at 12. And naive because there was only 2 elections that could occur by then.

Well there was no woman President. And no African American President.

Until last night.

Whether you voted for him or not, be proud of the leaps and bounds that our country has gone through so that this day has come. This day where we still reach for equality for everyone. EVERYONE.