Hard Times

I've been having a hard time. Sunday Grandma died. She died peacefully at home surrounded by family and with last rites. I'm sad. I'm going to miss her smile and her voice. I hope I remember her voice. I don't remember or only vaguely remember by Grandpa and Uncle's voices. Or how she walked around - quickly and always with a purpose. Or the twinkle in her eye when she was smiling. She had a twinkle. I don't want to forget it.

One minute I'm in the car and the next I'm crying while driving. It's a strange thing. I think that I'm grieving the loss of her and of the whole family. I don't know that we'll ever get together as a family again. Weddings maybe. Future funerals probably. But never to just get together. It makes me sad. I grew up and have lots of memories of this large family and I'm going to miss it. Memories of being with my cousins at the farm. Memories of Christmases, Thanksgivings, Mother's Days and family parties. Surrounded by many aunts, uncles and cousins. Always something to do and someone to talk to. Listening to the adults talking. I'm going to miss it all. A lot.

They asked me to be a pall bearer. I said yes. I couldn't say no with my Dad looking at me the way that he was. I just couldn't. And I hope I have the strength, mentally and physically to do this.

I miss you already Grandma.