Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Sometimes I really wonder.

What the hell did I do to deserve this life? Surely there has to be an easier way to get from birth to death than the path that I have chosen. But then I stop and think, no I know that there are those worse off than myself and I feel bad for thinking like that.

I feel inexplicably drawn to "P". Like no one ever before. Just when I think that I am done, I can take no more, he does something redeeming. Sadly it's happened so many times that I can no longer tell when it is a real redemption or a fake one used to bring me back.

This latest one is the hardest one. Although I'm sure that I've thought each one was the worst. This time, only after I've said that I need to be done, he's admitted that he has too much going on. "Hello!" I've been telling you that for almost 12 months. It's been the cause of me leaving more than once. Why did it take you so long to determine that I may be telling you the truth?

So, now I'm left with trying to determine if I should try it again. Do I risk the heartbreak yet again? Because although the heartbreak isn't as bad as the first time (that was brutal), it's like that song last recorded by Faith Hill, "...take another little piece of my heart baby." Each time that I let him back in and then had to tell him I'm done, he takes a little more of my heart with him.

How much of my heart am I willing to give him?


  1. Stop giving him love! You deserve way too much better!

  2. if you really think he's worth the heartbreak, then do the twist again, but certainly not like the one you did last summer.
    or sing him a whitney, "are you really ready for love boy, or is it just the lonely talking again..."