*sigh* here's the deal...

Long time no...write.  Right?

Here's the deal.  I'm sort of disillusioned with my life at the moment.  And I struggle and fight to figure out how to get back to me.  I try new things, I try old things and nothing seems to work.  I know where I want to be and what I want my life to look like and it's just not happening right now.

I heard someone recently say that not every journey has a end.  It made me pause.  It make me think.  For all the talking that I've done about lifestyle changes to create a healthier me, I think I expected my journey to end.  Not that it wouldn't be a change, but that the struggle of how to lose weight would end. 

Between October 2010 and April of 2013 I lost weight.  And this is not to say that the journey during that time wasn't a struggle, because it was.  It definately was.  There were ups and downs and detours.  But for the most part, I had a plan, I had goals and I had a strategy. 

In April I had my abnormal biopsy and things shifted.  I wasn't as goal oriented in losing weight.  I was goal oriented in finding out a plan to deal with what could be breast cancer.  The shift was needed.  It's not a positive shift, but a needed shift.  I went into survival mode.  Survival mode meant that I ended up at the gym less, ate about the same, but indluged in a few comfort foods that I had given up.  Between April and July I gained 5 pounds.  But (you knew there was a but, right?) I was okay with this.  My close still fit, I had a great/growing muscle tone and I wasn't making large shifts in what I was doing to be healthy.

My plan was to have surgery and return to the previous plan of healthy living.  And the absolute truth is that the plan did not work.  There were detours, setbacks, mental health issues and other things that derailed my plan.  So I took even more time off to deal with the physical and psychological issues.  Again, my plan was to start back with the healthy living plan once I addressed those things. 

My final truth?  The plan that worked for me before isn't working.  The healthy eating habits and gym habits aren't working.  Either because I can't find my way back to them, or I need to figure out modifications to them that work for me HERE AND NOW.  I need to find a new plan.  Here's the thing that is so depressing about this.  I can go back to what was working for me.  But I can't go back to what was working for me in April 2013.  I need to go back further to about March/April 2012.  I need to go back when I was about 30 pounds heavier (yep - ouch).  I need to resume some restristive eating to allow my gastric band to work better.  I need to give myself the GRACE to make better CHOICES and go back to what was working for me 2 years ago in an attempt to start the weight loss process again.  For that's truly what this is.  A restart after a year off.

There.  I said it all.