So Monday morning I went off to my counseling appointment. We talked more about what I wanted out of counseling and less about the past, if that makes sense. More about where I am and less about how I got there.
She was happy that I blog and seem to keep a running list of what's going on with me at any given time. And at the end she gave me an assignment of sorts. To label my feelings throughout the week, explore them and come to some conclusion about them. To learn what things I can change and what I can't. She also asked that I print my blogs so she can see them.
You know what happened? I got a blogging block. Seriously.
So let's explore this. I blogged in the beginning to track what I was going through. I blog to get things out of my head, onto paper and so that I can review them later. I blog to help myself and others. Yet blogging so someone can read it and tell me what I'm going through may not be the right way to do it? Totally scary.
So I stopped blogging (as evidenced by my lack of posts).
A couple of times this week I've had anxiety and I get all "I want to jump out of my skin" and pace a bit and my mind goes from 45 mph to 145 mph and speeds away from me. A couple of the times I talked it over in my head (I swear this is a good thing, not an "I hear voices talking to me" thing). A couple times I talked myself out of it. Meaning I had this story all built up in my head about something that Pete was doing and talked myself through a conversation with him about it (because I don't like confrontation). When I realized that I maybe making a way bigger thing out of it than needs to be and that I may very well be wrong. So I backed my brain down to 45 mph and just asked him. I was wrong. Solved.
But there was also a time this week that I get very anxiety ridden and Pete wasn't home and I got tearful about feeling very very alone again and it overwhelmed me. I started trying to think about it all and suddenly remembered the sheet about the feelings. Perfect! I literally ran to it to start writing. And in the quick few word statements that I made I quickly tamped that anxiety way down. Maybe it' documenting it? Maybe it's learning a new way to address it? But the specific items on the sheet worked well for me.
So it's Friday afternoon and I hope you're all out having fun. I have goals this weekend and coming week:
1. Tomorrow I'm meeting with women at Bright Pink in Minneapolis. I am determined to keep meeting women who are high risk for breast cancer and or have had surgery and make some connections. They don't have to be perfect, just connections.
2. I'm going to enjoy ice cream date with Pete tomorrow to tour a local ice cream shop.
3. I'm going to take time to relax and crochet.
4. I'm going to go to the gym at least once.
5. I'm going to plan my week with hopefully less in and out of the house as this week.