204.0; 90 Days

90 days.  3 months.

It’s been 90 days since my surgery.  When I think about it, it feels so long ago, as though it was years since surgery.  I’ve gone through recovery, follow up appointments, nights in the electric recliner, days at home by myself, returning to work.  All of it seems to equal a length of time that really isn’t there.  Maybe adding up the little things and all those lonely days at home recovery make a pile of days that seemed to extend well past 24 hours.

And yet, it’s only been 90 days.  That’s it.

Today I am better.  I’m healing physically.  The scars are getting less red and puffy.  The numbness seems to be subsiding form certain areas.  I have fake boobs and fake nipples and I look like me.  I can’t sit up without my abs really working hard and feeling like I’ve done 100 sit ups.  I still have some residual pain from the lump above my left foob.  And I have about 10 pounds to lose to be back at my pre-surgery weight.

But the inside?  That’s a mess.  There are days where the comprehension of what I’ve gone through crashes down like a truck and I cry.  There are days where I try to do something that was so easy to do pre-surgery and I fail.  There are days where I can’t seem to stop thinking about this choice that I made and I’m so emotional that my face is red all day.  I’m coming to realize that I don’t think I’ll ever be the me that was before surgery.  And that is so difficult to accept.  I’m hopeful that I can find something close to the me that was there.  Hope.

Daily it seems that I am bombarded with Pink-Tober for Breast Cancer Awareness.  I’m both drawn to read and look at everything I see.  Find out who is sponsoring it, who is selling it and who is donating.  And yet, every article or ad that I read seems to be like a stab to my inner soul; a pulling off of the scab that isn’t quite healed there.  I’ve read blog upon blog aboutPrevivors, breast cancer survivors and advocates for both.  I’ve read website upon website for raising money for cancer.  But what I’ve come to realize, is that very few are focused on the prevention of breast cancer.  Very few are focused on what exactly causes it; hereditary or environment.  Few seem to care about this and would rather focus on curing it.  

If you take anything away from my post today, it’s that I would rather have a prevention than a reaction.  After all, I prevented cancer with my choice, rather than react to it if/when I was diagnosed.  So when you see all the pink slashed across the TV, internet and stores, think about what you’re buying and WHY.  Understand if you’re giving $5 or 5 cents by buying it.  Find out who exactly it goes to, and what that organization does with the money.  I’m not saying that we should stop supporting those who are diagnosed or test positive for BRCA.  But I am saying that if you’re giving, make sure you know where your money is going.