I was watching some TV show today talking about being authentic. And I couldn't help but wonder if I needed therapy. I mean, in the last 48 hours I've signed up to be an advocate for Force but actively spent hours wondering if I did the right thing in having surgery. I'm irritated/frustrated about my inability to work out/run like I used to and hate the number on the scale, but eat chocolate cake and chex mix like it's my main sustenance.
I think I have it all figured out at various points in my life, but when I look back on those episodes in life, I never really had much figured out. What is clear to me is that I give pieces of my puzzle to everyone. They help with that one piece and I bring it back to add it to the table. The thing is that the piece changes a little with each fix and the puzzle no longer fits together. So I cover up the empty spaces as best that I can to make the puzzle look whole.
When I met Pete I starting giving him more and more pieces to my puzzle. And it was so liberating. My heart soared and my soul was more free than it had been since I was a child. The preverbal birds sang and hearts floated on air. The issue? I revert back into myself and start hoarding my pieces. This causes me pain and issues and self doubt and all that crap floats back in my head. I close off to Pete and he thinks that he is doing something wrong and he closes himself off.
Lets get one thing clear. Well 2 things. 1. I love Pete with my heart and soul. 2. Closed off people cannot succeed in a relationship and be truly happy.
So I come back to the thought - Do I Need Therapy? I've never done it before. Well, no, that's not true. I've done some sessions for my TMJ back when I was a teen and I've done some sessions for an assessment for my lap band/gastric band. I know that there are people who are totally against it. I know that there are people who participate and keep it secret. Then there are people who sign from the rooftops about therapy.
Maybe I'm tired of trying to hold my puzzle pieces in place. Maybe I'm tired of not being able or feeling like I can show anyone my puzzle. Maybe I just want someone to validate my thoughts and let me know that I'm normal, or at least working towards normal.