199.8; Pity! Party of One.

Yesterday I was supposed to go to a training for work.  I signed up for it, even though I'm on medical leave because I am about 1 hour short on my total for the year.  But he closer it got, the more I didn't want to go.  Initially I told myself that it was because I just didn't want to go.  So I started talking to Pete via text about it.  When I pulled away the layers, I realize that there were specific reasons for not wanting to go. 

I'm mentally tired of explaining what surgery I had and why.  I still have people in my life questioning my choices.  Maybe not directly to me, but to family members and to Pete.  And every time I hear about it, I'm a little more beat down.  I made this choice to have an elective mastectomy because I have close to 60% chance of breast cancer and doing it this way means no chemo, radiation or the side effects of those treatments.  Are there things about doing it this way that are hard?  Yep.  But they definitely don't compare to life long issues because of chemo.

I'm afraid of people staring at my foobs.  And it's already happened.  It happened before surgery; as though they wanted to memorize what I looked like to compare afterwards.  Last weekend I told someone about the surgery and watched their eyes.  The leave my face and for a second, they focus on my foobs.  I have a shirt that says "Of course they're fake, the real ones tried to kill me!"  Other than wearing it all the time, I don't know how to address this.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I needed to push myself out of this comfortable cocoon of a home and go out in public again.  And from that I realized that I need to push myself out of my comfort zone with my weight again.  And by the end of the day I had an action plan.

Action Plan

Goal:  I want a TV that costs about $150 for my office/our second bedroom.

Plan:  I'm hanging a list of things to do each day and each thing I do is a $1 toward to TV Fund.  It's up to mw to chose how many, if any, I do each day.  I take the lead and I need to live up to my expectations and no one else's.

Items: So far, my list includes this following items.  But, I reserve the right to add things along the way.

• Workout at the gym for at least 30 minutes
• Be outside in the sun for at least 1 hour.
• Spend 15 minutes meditating.
• Shower & be presentable for company.
• Drink at least 80 ounces of water a day
• Wash and moisturize my face twice a day.
• Eat at least 3 servings of vegetables a day.
• Spend 30 minutes reading.
• Get at least 8 hours of sleep a day.
• Eat 3 meals a day with 2 planned snacks.
• Spend 30 minutes cleaning a room in the house.
• Eat at least 3 servings of fruit a day.
• Spend at least 30 minutes walking Nico.
• No added sugar treats for the day (chocolate, cake, ice cream...)
• Make a new recipe or try a new vegetable/fruit/grain/food item.
• Do at least 1 out of the house errand.

I printed out a calendar for August and September and hung the list next to them.  This action plan starts now.  Every Monday I'll share my results and how it feels and if it's prompted any changes.

I feel stronger, somehow better, just knowing that I have a plan.  I feel like I moved back into living in grace; being kinder to myself and loving myself by flying back out of the nest.