Tuesday, April 16, 2013


I had a whole other post planned for today, but somehow it seems meaningless.

Sometimes the world is a cruel place.  I'm fortunate enough to be insulated from most of the cruelty.  The stuff I deal with on a daily basis as a probation/parole agent, I've come to be somewhat immune to.  Not that I don't feel emotions when I read police reports/complaints and court reports, because I do.  But things like the Boston Marathon Bombings hit hard.

I'm not ashamed to say that I experienced depression and some issues after 9/11.  I wasn't in New York, Pennsylvania or Washington DC.  But I had a Grandmother out of the county who couldn't get back in and the innocence lost was devastating.  I had a hard time afterwards with sleeping and developed insomnia and some anxiety.  But I learned to address it and deal with it in my own way.

So when things like the Sandy Hook School Shooting and Boston Marathon Bombing occur, I'm shaken.  Again I'm not there, but it brings back some of the same feelings as 9/11 almost in a PTSD fashion.  Again I deal with it the best that I can, mostly by verbally processing with my husband and writing about it.  Getting the feelings out and having them validated.

In my mind I imagine the spectators and runners innocently participating and being injured or killed.  I imagine the fear and pain and horror that they may have felt.  I imagine the first responders who thought they'd be dealing with exhaustion, heart attacks and other running injuries suddenly having to deal with life or death shrapnel injuries.  It's not what anyone in Boston expected.

My mind imagines all the people who ran other races, trained for years and finally got into the Boston Marathon.  How they either finished and the finish is marred by the bombing or how they didn't finish because just prior to the line the bomb went off or how they were miles behind and didn't see the bombs but again never got to finish.  How these people were training and running to be healthy and in shape and euphoric in completing and none of that happened for them.

I'm sad today.  But I'm also proud of the US.  9/11 crippled us.  We were caught off guard and having never experienced anything, had no idea what the next steps were.  But as horrible as it was. and as horrible as the things that have occurred since, they have taught us lessons.  I heard one reporter say yesterday that it was important for this not to cripple us, that we needed t be resilient.  I think we've done that so far.  There will be long reaching effects of the bombs, but we are aware enough and resilient enough to keep going.

Praying for Boston

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