197.2: Grace

GRACE: (from the Free Dictionary)
grace (grs)

n.

1. Seemingly effortless beauty or charm of movement, form, or proportion.

2. A characteristic or quality pleasing for its charm or refinement.

3. A sense of fitness or propriety.

4.

          a. A disposition to be generous or helpful; goodwill.

          b. Mercy; clemency.

5. A favor rendered by one who need not do so; indulgence.

6. A temporary immunity or exemption; a reprieve.

7. Graces Greek & Roman Mythology Three sister goddesses, known in Greek mythology as Aglaia, Euphrosyne, and Thalia, who dispense charm and beauty.

8.

          a. Divine love and protection bestowed freely on people.

          b. The state of being protected or sanctified by the favor of God.

          c. An excellence or power granted by God.

9. A short prayer of blessing or thanksgiving said before or after a meal.

10. Grace Used with His, Her, or Your as a title and form of address for a duke, duchess, or archbishop.

11. Music An appoggiatura, trill, or other musical ornament in the music of 16th and 17th century England.

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I am trying to live in Grace.  For a long time I didn't understand when people said that they were trying to live gracefully.  But I get it.  I'm trying to live in Grace for myself.  Generous not only to others, but to myself.  Living effortless in that I don't sweat the small stuff.  Indulging others because it makes me happy to see them happy.  Giving others immunity from judgement and myself also.  Loving others along with myself (no matter how hard I struggle to do so sometimes).  Protecting others from harm, if I'm able and making sure that I'm protecting myself at the same time. 

 

For such a small word, there is a lot going on.  And I'm trying to live every day in Grace and remember those attributes.  Sometimes I struggle.  Sometimes I fail.  But I start the next day attempting the same idea.  Grace.

 

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If you have a short minute, please say a prayer for my Grandma Phyllis.  She's in her upper 80's (A lady doesn't tell her age! *wink*).  Today she is having shoulder surgery to make her more comfortable and give her some range of motion back. 

 

Grandma Phyllis with her newest Great Grandson Mateo.

She's a feisty lady who I admire for many reasons.  She's determined that none of her Grandkids come see her at the hospital because it's a drive into the city.  She's demanding of my Mom and Aunt for after surgery and her stay at a nursing home for rehab.  But she's got character and I love her more than I really admit.  So if you could say a prayer that surgery is successful and that she is well watched over in the next few weeks, I'd appreciate it.

196.4; It's Winter & I'm Cold

Really the title says it all.  I've developed Pete's syndrome of being cold ALL.THE.TIME.  Friday I didn't want to get out of bed, but I did.  I spent the day off running errand after errand.  When I got home I jumped back in bed and turned that heated blanket on high.  I had a hard time again getting out of bed to get ready for date night.  Then I again followed Pete and took a HOT shower for about 15 minutes, with the door closed, to get warm.  Today, I have a sweater on and my office heater.  Plus hot coffee and anything else I can think of.

Want to know the worst part of all this?  I'm cold all day and evening.  Multiple heated blankets and everything to get warn.  When I lay down to try and actually sleep, I am HOT AS HELL.  Damn perimenopause.  I sleep most of the night with very little covers while Pete is holed up under 12 layers like an Eskimo.  I knew that I'd get cold when I lost weight.  But I thought that my hot flashes would counteract this and I'd be ok in the middle.  No such luck.

I c-hosted a baby shower this weekend.  Got some wonderful baby snuggles in and I am satisfied until I can snuggle again at Thanksgiving.  I saw family that I really haven't seen since May.  I do have to mention that I was rocking my new-to-me Silver jeans ($25 at Clothes Mentor than-you-very-much), a new black belt, a White long sleeve shirt (medium - YES!) and I black vest (medium again - YES!) with a cute scarf and tall black heels.  I felt AWESOME and for the first time I think EVER in fashion and at a size that I feel ok about.  I got comments about how great I looked from lots of family.  It felt good.

But.  And you knew there was a but in there somewhere, right?  At one point my aunt took me aside and told me how good I look.  When I told her that I was down 90+ pounds from my heaviest she congratulated me.  Then I told her that I'm about 20 pounds from my goal.  She told me not to lose anymore weight.  I inwardly sighed and immediately heard my voice in my head telling Pete something similar.  I now understand his frustration with everyone telling him not to lose anymore weight, somewhat. 

My goal has always get to 175 and see where I look.  Maybe I'll get there and think that I look great and try to maintain.  Maybe I'll think that it's too much and gain some back.  And maybe, just maybe, I'll decide that I want to lose more.  Who knows.  But I haven't wavered from that goal this whole time.  And yet, to others I look "ok" right now.  I understand now that my goal is what it is.  And no matter what people say at this point, I'm going to keep working towards the goal.  When I get to that goal I'm going to 1.  Assess my body shape.  2. Talk with my primary care doctor and my bariatric doctor about how I look and my BMI, fat percentage and muscle percentage.  3.  I'm going to listen to those around me and see what they have to say about how I look.  Then I 'll decide where to go from there.

199.0; Body Anger

I'm mad at my body.  I'm mad at it for teasing me with little things here and there and then taking it away.  I'm mad that it can't just continue in a nice downward trend.  I'm mad that I can't seem to get a handle on my body.  I'm mad that it fluctuates so much.  I'm mad that I...

Really I'm mad at myself.  My whole self.  I know what I need to do to lose weight and I know that it's not a quick process.  And even more so I don't want it to be a quick progress.  I know that I will get to where I want to be, but I have to submit to what I need to do. 

The reality is that it's so hard to keep up new things.  I know that I need to exercise 60 minutes at least 5 times a week.  I know that I need to eat small/sensible meals.  I know that life does not exist on cake and crap.  I know this.  My brain knows this.  My body has a hard time complying sometimes.  It's life.  It's bound to happen. 

What I need to do is start getting to sleep at a more decent time than 11:30 and getting all night sleep instead of broken crappy sleep.  I know that I need to get my ASS out of bed, no matter how tired I am and re-establish that pattern of regular exercise.  I know that I need to quit eating everything in sight.

I know these things.  All of them.  Now I need to put them into practice.  And I need to forgive myself for the things that I do and realize they are normal and part of the process.

199.8; And Damn Frustrated About It

My body seems to be doing weird things.  A couple of weeks ago I got down to 192.  And I don't know that I did much to do that, other than continue with what I was doing.

2 weeks later I'm up 7 pounds.  I'm not eating differently or exercising differently.

I am really trying to figure this out.  I spent 2 hours at the gym Friday for running & Body Pump.  Then Saturday I ran 7 miles.  I should say I fought hard and for 94 minutes to get that 7 miles in, but I did it.  Longest run ever. 

I didn't go to the gym yesterday.  But I rarely sat down.  I got up in the morning, body sore and telling me not to go to the gym, that I needed a rest day.  So I grocery shopped, cleaned & organized the kitchen, cleaned and organized the garage, cleaned and organized the hall closet.  Then I cooked dinner and ate.  I crocheted for about 40 minutes.  Then I cleaned the bathroom upstairs.  When I went to bed I was tired from all the movement.

199.8.  I'm almost back up to 200.  Can I blame it on my body?  I've been having an irregular cycle.  I went to the doctor who put me on birth control pills to help regulate my cycle.  Ever since I started those my hormones are all out of whack (crying and happy) and I've gained this weight.  While I want a regular cycle, am I willing to put up with the irregular so that I'm not gaining weight?  Or do I really need a fill to get me to slow down and eat less? 

~ signed the frustrated woman.

198: Friday Five

1.  I am determined to lose the 5 pounds that the medication made me gain.  So it was a 2.5 mile run and 1 hour Body Pump this morning.  100 calories goodbye!!

2.  I have a 31 Gifts party to go to tonight.  I am in love with the bright cheery bags and I'm hoping to see the new patterns.

3.  My Mom gifted me with her Keriug Machine yesterday.  Long story short, she got a new one and her old one broke.  The company sent her a new 'old' one and she gave me that.  I have K-Cups up the wazoo and need to figure out how to store them for short term and long term in my wee little kitchen.  Which in turn makes me want to organize the kitchen more.  It's a good thing though.

4.  Pete and I need a good old fashioned date night. 

5.  My goal is to go to the gym every day for 7 days straight.  I'm making it public here and now.  Call me on it next Friday, deal?

197.

I'm up again and I don't like it.

I started a new medication last week and since then I've gained weight.  It's frustrating.  But it really shows that weight loss surgery is not a quick fix.  It's a long term change in patterns that you need to sustain.

This will not stop me.  I will persevere. 

195.6; Not Gonna Lie, It's Hard

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. 

When I first started thinking about losing weight it seemed so insurmountable.  I was at my heaviest 285 pounds.  I knew that I needed to lose over 100 pounds.  It's such a huge number!  For a long time I let that huge number sway me from even starting.  I kept thinking there was no way I could lose over 100 pounds, so why try?  Why start?

But then I started reading weight loss stories on the internet.  I remember reading one on Two Peas NSBR.  I can't remember the specific story or the details or who it was.  What I do remember is that it took her over a year to lose the weight that she had.  That's when I wondered where I'd be at that time if I started a year before?  Would I have lost 100 pounds?  50 pounds?  Could I really do this?

I ended up reading a lot on the internet about weight loss.  One of the things that jumped out was to set small goals.  Lose 5 pounds in a month.  Exercise 20 out of 30 days in a month.  Track food intake for 30 days.  Small goals.  I realized that if I set enough small goals, they would add up over time.  I also realized that if I didn't reach them I could keep going.  Even if I didn't reach my goal for that time frame, I had made progress and done something good for me, why would I stop?

So here I am, 90+ pounds down in 2 years and I can look back at my journey so far.  I can see that I have made progress.  I can look back and see that I'm almost to the top of the mountain.  I can see that the journey that seemed insurmountable, really isn't.

My point is, don't let the big goal deter you from setting out on the journey.  Don't think about the big goal, think about small, realistic, short term goals.  Reward yourself sometimes when you reach them.  They will all add up.  Maybe not to what you had envisioned, but to something good. 

Start now.  In a year you will look back as I am doing now and realize that it is worth it.  Do it.

195.2; I Can See Me

Sunday morning I got up about 6:30 and started my day.  I couldn't sleep any longer and Pete had a migraine.  Staying in bed was frustrating for me and hurting him.  I got my gym clothes on.  New ones at that.  A size smaller in sports bras (medium) and shirts (medium) AND pants (large).  I strapped on the heart rate monitor and headed downstairs.

There, I packed up my Trader Joe's reusable grocery bags.  I love the large wide bags that they have for groceries.  They work well at Costco too.  I grabbed my water bottle and headed out.  The gym wasn't anything special.  In fact, I was irritated because mid-run a trainer came up and started talking to me.  I couldn't do intervals while talking and I ended up walking for a mile in the middle of my run.  I still got 5 miles in, but it was a choppy, hard run.

Afterwards I took this photo in my suv.

Post run glow complete with Harley hat!

I stopped and stared at me.  I'm not a cute-post-run-girl.  I exercise ugly, complete with sweat, bright red face, no make up and matted hair.  But this?  It was like looking into myself.  I don't know how else to explain it.  Without the make up and hair, I look like me when I was a kid.  And it made me cry.  An ugly, hiccup cry.  For years I was hiding me under all that extra weight.  It was my protector, my excuse, but I was hiding me.  I am sad for that woman who lost all that time hiding when she should have been flying on a high of life. 

But you know what?  I have freed her.  She flies today.  Maybe not as high as she wants to yet, but she flies.  I foresee lots of flying in her future.  More happiness, less sadness.  More exploring the world and less watching it go by.  More true joy.  JOY.

This morning I took out my baby photo.  I wanted to see if I was really seeing me as a kid or was it my imagination.  Can you see it?

Me at about 2.  Ignore the fact that my Mom wrapped the photo in plastic wrap to preserve it. 

 Or is it just me?

195.2; The YMCA

About a month ago I walked into the Y at 5am and was greeted by someone other than the usual front desk associate.  Her name was Kristie and she smiled at me.  Then she asked if there was sometime we could get together in the following week.  I asked why and she told me that Pete had nominated me to be the member of the month. 

I cried.  At 5am, with no make up and my hair pulled into sloppy ponytail, swinging my green water bottle and juggling my keys and ID card.  I cried.  At the front desk.  We made arrangements to talk later in the week and I went upstairs to work out.  Before I started on cardio I texted Pete that he made me cry and told him I loved him.

October Elk River YMCA Member of the Month!

Kristi and I talked for about 30 minutes.  See that photo in the upper left hand corner?  When she got to that she asked who those people are.  I was speechless and then answered that it was Pete and I before we started losing weight.  It was her turn to be speechless.  To think that she didn't recognize me when I was sitting right in front of her.  That's mind blowing.  And today I was in a different building for work and I had 2 people who I used to work with daily tell me that they didn't recognize me.  I can't imagine it and I can't see it in myself.

While Kristi and I talked I gave much credit to Pete for so many reasons.  What I'm recognizing now is that while our journeys are different, our paths are close enough that we understand each other.  We know when to support and when to kick the other's ass.  We know when to back off and just let it be and when to stick our nose in.  We know when to encourage and how to encourage.  Having this person not only be my weight loss/work out buddy, but my best friend and my husband too?  It's priceless.  I can't imagine doing it without him.

I also gave credit to the internet blogs and sites that I've come across along the way.  I know that I've talked about them before and there are lots of various ones that I've visited.  The ones that I visit most often are:

Prior Fat Girl she is the one that started it for me.  Seeing and hearing that she did it made me wonder if I could do it also.

Twelve In Twelve hearing her talk about running 12 races in 12 months made me think I could do that also!

Mama Laughlin she says it like it is and doesn't mince words.  Her journey is vastly different than mine, but I appreciate the differentness of it and learned to embrace the things that could work for me.

Dessert For Two Ok, OK!  I know this isn't a weight loss blogger.  But when I love to bake and crave something sweet, I'd much rather make it for 2 than for 20.  I'm not tempted by the other 18 servings.

Fat Little Legs I met this nice woman at a blogger event and was so thankful I did.  Reading her struggles and seeing how far she had come, made me realize that I needed to just go with my journey.  I needed to work my own plan to get my results.

Grace 2882 Again, way different journey.  She is diabetic and controls it through food.  I don't necessarily want to cut all my carbs so her recipes are great ideas for me to start with and add to. 

Kris Gets Healthy  this woman is a fighter.  She is going to battle that weight and give it heck every waking moment.  Her honesty strikes a cord in me. 

Coffee With Sabrina  She and I mirror each other often.  (makes me sound like a weird stalker, but I'm not)  The issues that she has and writes about will sometimes be the same things that I'm feeling and going through.  She just ran her first big race and I can't wait to find a race to sign up for.

There are more.  Some that I read that are no longer online and writing.  Some that have moved their blogs or made them private.  While Pete and I go through this together, he's not a girl.  And sometimes I just needed to read another girl's experiences and be supported by a female. 

All this to say, that I would never ever have accomplished 90+ pounds of weight loss without support in one way or another.  I think one reason that people (me included) failed at losing weight previously is that we did not have the right support system.  The YMCA?  it's part of my support system and I can't imagine doing this without that place and those people.

195.2: No Fill

Yesterday was my October appointment with my surgeon.  And it was the first month since surgery that I haven't gotten a fill.  It was weird walking out without getting a fill.  Really weird.  According to their scale I've lost 6 pounds in the last month. Clearly I was ok with not getting a fill.  To be honest I think I could have asked for a small fill and she would have given it to me.  But I want to see how this month goes without it.

Do you have a Clothes Mentor near you? (they have no idea I am plugging them!)  If you do check them out.  Seriously.  On Saturday I spent 6 hours looking for a pair of modern jeans that fit me for pictures.  6 hours.  When I got home Pete asked me what I got.  I showed him the 1 pair of jeans and he said, "That's it?  That's all you got?"  You should have seen my angry face. 

I've exhausted all of the regular places I shop:  JCPenny, Kohls, Target, Walmart, Old Navy, Gap, Costco...  I found a great pair of jeans that are modern looking with stitching details and pocket decorations at Maurices.  But I have a hard time paying $70 for something that I may not be able to wear in a month.  A friend told me about Clothes Mentor and told me to check them out.  So I did.

(can you hear angels singing?)

The place was awesome.  Rows and rows of gently used clothing that is like new and for about 60% less than what it retails for.  I spent over an hour there trying on tops and bottoms.  There were several things that I liked, but didn't get for various reasons.  I want to really love my wardrobe, not just like it.  So if I wasn't in the "gotta have it" camp, it went back.  Right away I found a Harley button down shirt for $14.  It retailed for $55 last year.  I know because I tried it on in the Harley shop.  I found a flowy, dressy work shirt for $5.  Score. 

I must have tried on 8 different pair of jeans and none of them fit perfectly.  Lucky brand, Silvers and Joe's.  None of them were over $30 a pair and they retail for close to or over $100.  I didn't even get into trying on work pants because I was on the mission for jeans.  But guess where I'm going to Friday?  I'm going to go through the 2 bags of clothes that I have for the Goodwill and take out the gently used items.  They usually pay you about 30-40% of what you paid for items.  Then I'm going to shop.  To my heart's content.

So seriously, if you've never checked them out, try our a Clothes Mentor.

As for the jeans?  I ended up at the outlet mall in Eddie Bauer.  Me.  I fit into a size 14 Eddie Bauer jeans and they are wonderful!  The best part is that they were $29 on sale.  I now have modern looking jeans that fit from a regular store.  Hard work.  It pays off.

194.2; My First "Real" 5K...Kind Of

14 years ago my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.  (Have you had a mammogram this year?  If not SCHEDULE ONE NOW!)  Our family became involved in raising money for both Susan Komen and American Cancer Society.  We did the Race For the Cure a few times and the Relay For Life.  Both involve activity, mainly walking.  I believe that the first year we did this, between the walk from the car and the 1 Mile walk I was worn out.  The mile walk took us over 35 minutes.  The Relay For Life involves someone from your team walking all night long on a track.  We'd switch off and walk a mile at a time.  I was so sore from walking about 5-8 miles in a night. 

I never ever imagined that I could call myself a runner, let alone someone who regularly exercised.  I had given up.  I had decided that I would always be overweight and there was nothing I could do about it.  I had totally given up.  This awakening of getting healthy and losing weight really is a life saving event.  I can't imagine how my future has been altered by the good changes that I've made, but I hope they're good ones.

My sister Kim, my 10 year old niece Alison and I.

2 weekends ago I 'ran" a 5K with my sister and my niece.  I say ran in quotes because really my sister and I walked fast.  My back was sore and she wasn't in condition to run. My niece finished in 40 minutes with running and walking parts of it.  Afterwards we took this photo and I didn't think much of it.

When I looked at the photo last week I realized how much I had changed.  People often confuse my sister and I for each other.  We are 2.5 years apart, but look very similar, especially when I have my hair curly.  But I can see from this photo how much I've really changed.  My neck is smaller.  That's the first thing I noticed.  The second thing that I noticed is that I ALWAYS stand sideways in photos!  It's habit from being overweight and trying to make myself appear smaller.  I want to start standing full on that camera and owning my new body.

The third thing?  Never would I have imagined myself getting up on a Saturday to run/walk with my family.  Never would I have imagined that it would be fun to walk and catch up with my sister.  Never would I have imagined I'd be hearing my niece ask me to find a race in the spring that she could do with Pete and I and run the whole thing.  These are things that I never would have thought would enter my life even 4 years ago.

It's photos like this that make me realize how far I've come.

193.4; Friday Five

1.  I realized today that I've been labeling this Friday Five(S) when really there are only one set of five.  Oh well.

2.  We are photography jinxed.  And this year was no different.  So we are no scheduled to have photos taken Sunday after the first official hard freeze and potentially after a night of snow.  Initially I was thinking warm on the first weekend it was planned.  Then last weekend I changed outfits to cooler.  Now I think I'm set on snowsuits for us and the dog.  (kidding - kind of )

3.  As if photo day take 3 isn't already stressful, I have plans int he morning and a motorcycle club meeting in the afternoon.  Help me.

4.  If I don't chicken out, I'm getting an itty bitty teeny tiny tattoo on Sunday.  Help me.  I'm scared poopless.

5.  This has been a stressful week at work.  Busy plus changes are in the works and no one has said what the changes will be.  My initial thought is that I could use a greasy burger, fries, a beer and chocolate cake tonight.  In reality I may just settle for good for me food and crochet. 

194.6; Are we just cheap?

Date night was last night.  Pete and I got on his motorcycle and let the wind hit our faces and the sun on our shoulders.  Yesterday in Minnesota it was almost 80.  Today it's not getting out of the 40's.  Typical swing season time. 

We had a hard time deciding where to go but ended up at Texas Roadhouse.  We each dove into a pillowy roll, mine with butter and Pete's plain.  Then we ordered.  It's the same thing that we get there all the time.  8 ounce Dallas fillet, house salad with no dressing and fries...to share.

Here's where the weirdness starts.  And I get it, really I do.  Had you asked me 3 years ago about adults "sharers" I would have rolled my eyes.  Obviously they can't afford a meal for each of them.  Right?  They're so cheap, they probably ate before going to the restaurant and only order one meal to save money.  They have to be hungrier than that, right?

What's that old saying?  Don't judge until you've walked a mile in their shoes.

Because Pete and I get that cheap, low class, weird stare every time we do this.  Whether it's at Texas Roadhouse or Ruth Chris Steakhouse.  I almost want to explain that we've both had surgery and can't/aren't supposed to eat more than abut 1.5-2 cups of food.  But really, even if I explain, people walk away shaking their heads.  How do I know.  I tried it.  Yep.  I tried explaining this at a very fancy steakhouse not to long ago and got the weird stink eye.  So I stopped trying to explain.  I figure it's none of their business.

Then there are the places that have on their menus "no splitting plates" or "$15 split plate charge".  Really?  I understand it's a pain to get weird orders.  But we can't be the only ones doing this if they have that on their menu.  And we never ask them to actually split our food.  I'd rather admire the chef's beautifully presented plate and actually share one romantic plate sitting next to Pete than pay $15 for another plate to split it halvsies.  And on more than one occasion, Pete's ordered dinner and I've asked for nothing so we could eat our little 1.5 cups without taking home well over one leftover meal.  Then he just gives me bites.  Romantic, huh?

So are we cheap?

195.6; Is It Still Ok To Call Someone Fat?

Have you seen this:  Bully Calls News Woman Fat?

Sometimes I feel like calling someone fat is the last class of people that are 'ok' to prey upon.  If I hear someone say "that's so gay." I call them on it.  It's not right and they need to think about what they're really saying.  If I hear someone use the work 'retarted' I again call them on it.  It's not a descriptor for something and it's not nice to call someone with a disability names.

Yet, I've heard people call me fat.  I've been told that I wouldn't likely be hired as my current job title because I was "so large".  I've heard people call overweight persons 'fat' in a derogatory manner.  Why is this still ok?  And if you tell me that it's not happening, I'm here to tell you that I heard it this week.  If you're telling me that it's not ok in your area, I want to know where you live and if you call people on it.

I think the internet is the cause for a lot of this name calling.  It's anonymous.  No one has to do it face to face.  And often people are 'protected' with no way to track them down.  It's made a generation of people who don't think and don't think that what they're talking about has real world implications.  That it's not abstract, there is a real person on the other end.  They simply don't see that.

When I was a kid, if I called someone a name, I was in big trouble.  But I see actions from parents lately that are horrible at kids sports games.  They call the other team names, they make fun of them...all in front of their own kids.  What are the kids taking from this?  It's ok to do that.  But it's not.  It's simply not.

When you use a derogatory name for someone, it's a real person.  Understand that words do have power. Know when to say something, how to say it and when to say it. 

And lastly, be kind.  EVERYONE has struggles and needs a kind word at times.

195.2; Body Changes

Have you ever heard a woman say or said yourself:  "I gain 3 pounds with my period and I'm bloated."

(sorry if there are any men reading this.)

I heard it all the time in my teens and in college.  Even as an adult I heard women say this.  And I never understood it.  How can you know that your body reacted that way to your period?  I never felt bloated or gained weight. 

This month I had 2 periods.  (Lucky me, huh?)  I believe I'm in perimenopause and have been for a while.  Night sweats like crazy, hot flashes and other symptoms lead me in that direction.  Unfortunately I can't judge if I'm there by my mother's and grandmother's starting ages.  They both had forced menopause with chemo from breast cancer.

The first one went as usual.  PMS, salty, sweet, chocolate and irritability.  Normal for me.

The second one?  I gained 3 pounds and felt my tummy area more fat feeling.

It's the strangest situation to realize that being overweight lead me to miss cues from my body.  I never realized the weight gain because I was so big that 3 pounds never made a difference in my clothes.  My tummy area was already so fat, that I missed the feeling when the weight came on.

I thought about trying to explain this to Pete, but he'd just shake his head and smile at me.  Men don't really get it.  But other women get it.  And now I get it too.