216: Feelings

I drove to work on Monday in my new 217 pound body and was suddenly scared.  I wondered where this feeling came from, but had to acknowledge it.  So I sat it in.  Truth be told I had been up for 2 hours and was spooning runny pudding with protein powder every 15 minutes on my ride.  But I was eating before having the feeling.  Actually eating my 1 cup of food each meal takes me about 45 minutes so if sometimes feels like I'm always eating.

Suddenly I was scared.  Scared of how quickly I was losing weight.  In almost 4 months I have lost almost 30 pounds.  My body is changing and I have folds and flaps where I didn't have them before.  And yet I also have collarbones and hipbones and ribs where I didn't before.  I feel as though I need to study my body each day to see what changes there are before I miss them, almost as though you watch a baby change and grow each day.  I wonder if I should take a picture each day?  And then I realize that I would be focusing too much on the small things.

I'm scared of losing so fast that my skin cannot catch up.  I'm wondering if the underarm floppy skin will only get a bit worse or much much worse.  Will I be able to live with it?  Will I be a candidate for surgery to have it removed? 

I'm suddenly scared of this process that I started 3 years ago.  Why am I so scared of it now?  It's what I wanted, right?  I remind myself that it is.  And yet I remind myself that I just had major surgery and I need to let my body and emotions heal from that before I start thinking these things.  I remind myself that I am partly scared because I am shedding my fatgirl persona and I need to do some hard  work to figure out who I am beneath all that. 

I remind myself that I KNEW it would be both physical and mental.  Maybe my mental just need to catch up with my physical?