Thursday, March 01, 2012

225.6; Nervous

I am getting nervous.  It seems as though the closer I get to setting a surgery date, the more nervous I am.  Just so you know, I'm not taking the decision lightly.  This is a medical procedure that requires surgery and will alter me for the rest of my life.  It's serious.

I look at the plateau that I broke though to get into the 220's and think, "Maybe I can do this on my own."  And yet as I look at my weights in the last 2 months I see that I am again in a plateau in the 220's.  Maybe I can do this on my own.  But will it take another 2 years to break this plateau?

I've been watching My 600 Pound Life in the last week.  I am facinated by the stories.  I don't have hundreds of pounds to lose, but the process is the same.  I can chose to use the tool and lose weight or I can chose to ignore the tool and either stay the same, or as some of them did, regain weight.  I can't help but wonder where I'll be in 7 years.  What will I look like?

I'm worried about excess skin.  Prior Fat Girl talks about her skin removal.  She is happy with it, but has scars.  I have scares from TMJ surgeries.  I know what it's like to treat scars.  I know how self concious I can be with them and how people stare.  I've resigned myself that I'll need skin removal in my thighs, butt area, torso and arms.  Will insurance pay for this?  How long will I have to live with excess skin before I can have surgery?

I'm extreamly worried about the surgery it's self.  Not the actual putting probes in me.  The medicine that they give you for surgery so that you don't remember is called Versed.  I've had plenty of ear tube surgeries, tonsils and such as a kid.  Never remember anything.  I've had 4 TMJ surgeries as an adult.  Never remember anything.  And yet in 2002 I had bone spurs removed from my elbow.  They wanted to do a nerve block and not full anisthesia.  They couldn't get the block in and ended up having to do full anesthisa.  I remember EVERYTHING up until going to sleep.  I remember them numbing my throat so it felt like I couldn't breathe and not telling me what they were doing.  I remember struggling to get my hands to my throat to signal that I couldn't breathe.  I remember them cathetering me.  I remember it all and I have massive anxiety about the medicine not working again.

Suffice it to say, I'm still nervious about this choice I've made.  But if I wasn't, I'd question my reasoning for having it.

No comments:

Post a Comment