Friday, April 10, 2009

What was I looking for?

I finished the book last night. And it left me uneasy and honestly disappointed. I sat and wondered why I was so damn disappointed. I think that I was seeking answers from the book. Something that would point me in the direction that I needed to go. And I never found them. Instead it raised mroe questions about what to do, how I should feel and things like that.

Then on the news last night this story caught my eye. The lead doctor seems to imply that women are needlessly going through mastectomy surgery. And it made me mad, what he said. There is a lot more to medicine than physical. There is a huge emotional and mental side to medicine. And while I understand that he doesn't want people to go through with surgeries that they don't need, you can't deny the mental part of it. When my mom was diagnosed with cancer she was offered a lumpectomy. However, the lump was far in on her chest wall and my mom had just made up her mind that she was going to do the double mastectomy. After testing the cancer, they found that it was agressive, but early. Why live in the fear that not all the cancer was removed with a lumpectomy? And live in fear you would with that knowledge.

Pete and I talked a lot the last few weeks. I am so very lucky to have him. To have someone to share my thoughts with. Although it's a new thing for me to share with someone and I sometimes struggle with it. He is there to listen to me, to hold me, to ask me questions and to support me.

So it's 5 days from knowing my mom's results. It's interesting because I haven't told anyone at work. When my mom was diagnosed with her cancer I didn't tell anyone for about 6 months. Even then I told Stacy when I was out visiting her mother's day weekend and she asked me to stay later. She was shocked and it felt good to tell someone finally. I realized later that I never told anyone at work because it was my cancer free place. It was the place where no one talked about cancer, drains, reconstruction, chemo... Then it started to feel like a secret and I had to share. But I rememeber that feeling of having a safe haven. It's much like that now. I have this safe place that I don't have to give information or tell how I'm feeling.

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