Today and only today

I live for today. I can't worry about tomorrow at this point, I need to focus on today.

It can't be good right?

That's all that I can think of. It can't be good. It just can't be good.

My arms are shaking and I can hardly type.

My left eyelid is twitching and it won't stop.

They've already called my mom to have her set up the appointment to hear the genetic results.

All I keep thinking is that it can't be good to be this fast.

My eyes are watering and I really don't want to cry here at work. I hate crying at work.

It can't be good. The first test they would do is for those with Jewish heritage and it's the simplest test as it's specifically in 3 areas on the gene and they know about those for sure.

All I can think of is that it has to be positive because they knew exactly where to go. Where to look.

I really want my eye to stop twitching.

Chasing Friends

Have you ever felt like you were chasing a friend? It's hard to describe. In one sense it's as if you're working harder at being a friend than the other person. In another it's that you're worried about the friend and they keep pulling back from you. In another it's as if the new life created by your friend doesn't include you and you seek to maintain what you previously had.

Does that explain it?

I currently feel like I am chasing a friend. Like she is so guarded and pulled back from the world that we once inhabited together that I can no longer find her. Yet she is reight before me. I am so worried about her and how she is doing that I seek any little bit of information to assure me that she is ok. Yet the little bits keep getting smaller and smaller.

It's frustrating. It's almost hurtful. And yet I let it continue. I don't know if it's the person-helper in me. I don't know if it's the fact that I really hate to lose friends. I don't know if it's because I'm prideful about not giving in. But I do know that I let it continue, almost as if I am addicted to it. As if it's my current drug of choice. That the little bits are just the little hits that I need to continue seeking the drug.

I need to let it stop. I can't be responsible for others. I can offer to help, and I have. I can let her know that I am here for her, and I have. But I cannot be responsible.

Waiting...

When we met with the genetic counselor I know that it was going to be a long 30 days. We're going on 7 of the 30 days. And while I'm not letting it overtake me...yet. It's back there in my brain.

I had hoped to get a book that she recommended. Pretty Is What Changes by Jessica Queller. It's the story of a 30 something who is tested for the mutations and what happens after that. I had hoped that it would be something that would keep me occupied. I revel in reading and don't get to do much of it anymore. I wanted to escape to the world that she lived in when she was tested. I wanted to read her feelings and see her reactions.

Only the bookstores around here don't have the book in store. And if I had ordered it, it would have been the hardcover version and the soft cover comes out 4/7/09. So I'm waiting. Waiting for the book and waiting for the test results.

My Genetic Journey

A little over 11 years ago my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was a small, but aggressive cancer located on her chest wall. Something that a self exam would have never caught. But it was caught early and she has been in remission for 10 years. Her story is a lengthy one. One I'll get into later.

After she was diagnosed, my sister and I attended a genetic forum on the breast cancer gene. At the time, they were newly investigating the gene and pushing for people to get tested. However, there were lots of repercussions to the testing. They recommended that you go to another state and use a fake name and pay for the test yourself. They said that employers, insurance companies and others would discriminate against you for the positive result if they found out. They said that radical surgery was the only way to go if you tested positive. All in all, the forum was scarey. In the end my sister and I decided that we would be vigilent about testing and detection. And I have spent the last 10 years getting mamograms and doing self exams.

But yesterday, we decided to be tested.

My mom's doctor was suggesting testing and honestly my doctor had asked me about it a couple of times. It seemed that all the planets were aligning making the time to test now. And to be honest it scares me to my inner core. But knowledge is power, right?

So in about 4 weeks we'll know if my mom is positive. If she is, my sister and I will be tested. Then we take action. Whatever that may be. All I know is that I have to get my thoughts, worries and expectations out in written form before it overtakes me.

Worried...Scared

Next week Kim and I are going with my Mom for Genetic Counseling. There is a strong family history on my Mom's side of breast cancer and some isolated occurrances on my Dad's. My Mom's doctor is recommending counseling and possible testing for her and potentially a historectomy. Ovarian cancer is highly linked to having mutations in the breast cancer gene. If my Mom has the gene, it likely that she would end up with ovarian cancer at some point.

Kim and I are going along to see if counseling and testing may be appropriate for us. And this is where is scares me. Since My Mom was diagnosed in 1997 I've been vigilant about preventative care and screening. And in my head I have a plan of what I would do should the tests be positive. Simple plan and because I've thought about it for so long, it scares me less. I'm well prepared for this.

On the other hand testing positive for mutations in the breast cancer gene could mean so much more. Screening and increased testing could fall by the wasteside and mastectomy and historectomy come into play. Scarey. I may not 'need' these body parts but, they somehow identify me as a woman. Much like styled hair and make up do now. And with those things come a whole new set of medical issues.

So I'm worried and scared, but trying to not obsess about it...trying.

I am so remiss

At least I think I am.

I'm hoping that it means that I'm lagging behind. That I haven't done something. That I need to get caught up.

If it means something other than that, disregard remiss and insert "behind".

What this all means, is that I haven't been blogging much lately.