Monday, January 06, 2014

What's My Plan?

Clearly 2013 wasn't anything that I thought it would be.  It's thrown me for a loop in most aspects of my life.  And while I'd love to tell you that I was "healed" on 1/10/14, 6 months after surgery, I'm not.  I'm done with therapy and feel like I have more control over my emotions.  But I'm still on the antidepressant and trying ti figure out how to get off.  I'm still in physical therapy to help build the muscles back up.  I'm not going to the gym on a regular basis.  And my motivation for anything seems to be gone.

So what's my plan?  I haven't quite figured out the whole thing.  In some ways, I'm more reluctant to plan in 2014 because of the loop that a went on in 2013.  It's as though I can't fathom planning past the next month or the next week.  Maybe the reluctance is from the abnormal biopsy and everything that happened afterwards or maybe it's from the antidepressant. 

I've been researching how to wean myself off the antidepressant because I feel like I need to try it on my own.  And while I could do it myself, others have told me that I should really see my doctor about it.  I've had long conversations with Pete about how the medication makes me feel.  No motivation, no energy, more insomnia, tired all the time, weight gain, nothing seems fun.  And while I like the fact that I'm not engaged in the running commentary in my head all the time and I'm less anxious and stressed, I think I need to be done with it.  The good doesn't seem to outweigh the bad.  We've talked about how I think I need to try it off the med and if something changes; if he sees negative changes in me, I'll go back on some type of medication.

I've thought long and hard about who I am.  The me before the medication with the dialogue in my head, driven by motivation and sometimes stress, anxious about things at times, goal oriented...  Maybe, just maybe, that's who I am and who I'm meant to be.  Even though those things were lessened with the medication, they are things that I am used to and have developed tools to deal with them.  This new me is someone that I don't know how to "fix".  I don't know how to get more motivation when I feel NONE.  I don't know how to feel highs and laughter and funny.  I don't know how to feel a bit stressed so that it drives to me be productive.  Maybe, those are all just me and I need them. 

So my plan is shortsighted for now.  Simply put, it's to get off the medication and see how I feel about it all.

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