I am still here...

I'm still here.  Still struggling in some ways and flourishing in others.

I haven't posted because...well it's complicated.  I realized last night that I don't have the running dialogue in my head all the time.  I've talked before about how I felt like there was this running stream of consciousness going on in my head all. the. time.  Well, it's quiet...er.  I can sit and spend time crocheting and I'm not running 40 things in my head about what I did that day or plans for the next or how I screwed up and what I need to change or 15 other random things.  It's a wonder why I could never meditate with all that going on.  But I sort of can now.  I'm enjoying crocheting things for gifts and for myself and the time spent with no TV/radio; just me and my hook and yarn.  It's relaxing, rather than stressful.

But, that stream of consciousness seems to have been where most of my blog posts formed.  I sort of feel like I've lost my blogging voice.  It's a hard thing.  I want to blog and document what's going on in my head, but I can't.  Many times in the last month I've sat at the computer or my netbook or even my phone and stared.  Everything that I thought about writing felt very forced and not at all authentic.  So I closed the screen without saving a single letter. 

Last night I realized that if I'm going to blog, it needs to be a conscious effort to do so.  And maybe, just maybe, I need to ease back into it, just like I'm easing back into my life in other ways.  So today, is post 1.  I probably won't be blogging daily anymore, but my goal is to do so 2-3 times a week.  I've written myself some notes about things that I really do want to talk about.

PS, thanks for listening....