The Rollercoaster Goes Up and Down

So Thursday Pete and I ventured out to the doctor.  Good spirits, hopeful for the drains to come out.

Unfortunately the output was still too much.  I knew it.  Really KNEW it.  But it still brought me to tears when the doctor left the room.  He must have known too because he agreed to take one of the two out.  Still, I was so disappointed.  I wanted to shower.  I wanted to progress at my pace, not my body's pace.

As I lay on the table and he was looking me over he noticed the hard lump just above my left breast.  He asked about it.  I told him that it's always been there, I told the other doctor about it last week and he said it was normal.  I said that it's uncomfortable to the point of painful at times. 

He prodded and pushed and felt.  And as he did, he looked concerned, his brows flexing.  He said that he was concerned at this point, that it had not gone down as the right one had.  He asked the nurse to see about getting an ultrasound to check for blood clots.  My face must have turned ashen and Pete's face dropped as I stared at him. 

Thankfully Pete piped up and asked if it was the kind to be concerned about traveling.  Thankfully, no.  He explained that sometimes there is a large pool of blood that can settle in the tissue and that's the kind of blood clot he was talking about. If not that, it may be a portion of the fat that is dying off and would be consumed by the body in time.

He took the one drain out and we waited to see about the ultrasound.  While we did, he decided to see what he could get out of the lump with a needle.  He numbed me up and I closed my eyes.  I felt like the roller coaster was heading below ground and there was nothing I could do to stop it.  He poked and poked several times.  Nothing came out and we were sent home to return the next day for the test.

I spent a pretty restless night, worrying about the possibility of having to go back into surgery to get a pool of blood out.  Ultimately, the area is inflamed tissue and fat.  My body has to reabsorb the fat and the tissue just needs to settle on it's own.

I am reminded that life is a series of ups and downs.  I need to ride it out.  I need to believe in myself and the love of those around me.