Changing Habits

Tuesday was a shitty day.  No other way to put it.  I was having anxiety attacks at work about surgery and all that goes into it.  I was down to 2 weeks prior to surgery and feeling it physically.

I had a coworker come into my office after our weekly meeting and tell me that next week would be my last weekly meeting.  How ironic, since that's exactly what I was feeling and exactly what I explained in Tuesday's post.  So I told her that I was having anxiety over "lasts".

Her response:  All we ever do here anymore is talk about you and your surgery.

I was immediately ashamed.  Ashamed that I was dominating conversation.  Ashamed that I would have made anyone feel uncomfortable by over sharing.  I already felt guilty for leaving my coworkers down a person for so long.  I feel guilty being a burden to anyone.  I was shocked and clammed up and changed the conversation.

But it sat there, that sentence.  It sat in my brain and marinated all day.  I wondered if I had been so very imposing?  Or was there more to the comment?  Was it just thoughtless?  At about 4:15 pm, I couldn't stand it any longer and I emailed some of my coworkers, the ones that I see daily.  If she thought this and was only here about 1 day every 6 days, then they must feel it more so.

Then I told Pete about it by text and told him that I needed a ride.  So we did.  180 miles, sun on my shoulders, wind in my face, open road before me and arms wrapped around Pete...we rode. 

On the way home I realized that this was a turning point.  In the past, had this same thing happened, I would have gone home, buried my head in my covers and ate my way through reality TV all night.  Instead I turned to something non food related to soothe my soul.  It didn't even occur to me to eat that night, in fact I wasn't hungry at all.  Maybe my habits really are changing?