CPAP = FAIL!

Took my trusty CPAP home last night after getting distilled water for the humidifier portion.  I moved things around on my bedside table and set it up. I was a bit disappointed because I felt as though I was in a hospital with the tubing and machine and something over my face. 

Pete and I got caught up on Sons of Anarchy while cuddling in bed.  Then it was time.  I had to put the mask on and try to sleep.  The machine operates at a lower force of air for 20 minutes to give you a chance to fall asleep.  My thought was to read my Nook a little to relax and then go to sleep.  Only I can't put my glasses on over the mask.  I then thought about reading the Nook with large print without my glasses, but the mask separates your eyes so they can't focus right in front of your head.

So I just laid down and tried to sleep. 

It was the worst night of sleep in a long time.  Although my eyes were closed and I was "sleeping", I don't think I ever got into REM.  At some point I woke up and took the mask off.  When I think about it, my mouth was dry when I did that and I think I may have been mouth breathing.  It not only negates the CPAP, but it works against it.  After I took the mask off I remember nothing until Nico woke me up for breakfast at 6.  My 5am alarm must have went off, but I have no memory of shutting it off.

I got up and fed him his kibble and made myself some toast.  Pete came home from the gym and I told him I needed to lay down.  The next thing I knew it was 9am and I was late for work.  I have a killer headache, I'm tired as hell.  I feel crappy.  Worst of all I dread bedtime.  I know it's going to take some time to get used to, but this is hard.  Really hard.

CPAP

Had my appointment with the lung specialist today.  Turns out that I stop breathing at least 5 times and hour and at most 33 times an hour while sleeping.  They consider it mild to moderate sleep apnea. 

So as of about 10am I am the proud renter of this:  S9 CPAP Machine.  Apparently you rent the machine for 10 months of paying 20% of the rental and your insurance paying the remainder.  After 10 months if you still need it, it's yours.  Which is all good, but I about had a heart attack when I started looking up actual costs of them and bemoaning my decision to choose the high deductible health care plan at work.  It appears as though I'll be "renting" this thing on my own and hitting my deductible pretty soon in the year.

Before I went in I told Pete that if they said I needed a machine I'd try it out a few nights, but didn't know if I'd continue it.  Only when I met with him and found out how many times I stop breathing I was shocked.  I also found out that there is a memory card in the machine that tracks how often I use it and for how long.  I have to go in to see the doctor 30 and 60 days out to make sure that the settings are right.  I'm hoping that within 6 months I will have lost more weight and my use of the machine can go down.  But I'm also willing to use the machine nightly if that is what it takes to get good sleep.

After I left the appointment I called the bariatric surgery center to make an appointment with the doctor there.  I want to sit down again and see if the surgery is still an option for me.  I think I need to not be in limbo about this anymore.  I need to either have a yes or a no so that I can psychologically move on from it and figure out a new plan.  Limbo sucks and I don't want to do it any longer.

No Words

I think my bloging voice is lost.  At times there are things that I think about writing.  Then I realize that it's more about life thatn weight loss.  And I dimiss it.  I'm still struggling with going to the gym.  I feel a huge breakdown the minute I step into the building and I don't want that.  I'm afraid that my feet will hurt on the treadmill like they do when I try to walk outside.  I'm afraid that I've lost everything that I worked for.  I'm just pure afraid.  I have my lung specialist appointment on 11/28/11.  I keep thinking....hold on until then....you can do it.  Right?

Cold? Flu? = MIA

So I spent last week in bed.  Pretty much all the time in bed.  I had a cold/flu/sinus issue thing that knocked me down for the count.  And just when I was feeling a bit better I had to go in for my flu shot and a whooping cough/tetanus/diptheria booster.  That knocked me down for the count again on Friday afternoon and night.  I think I'm just starting to feel ok today...other than the very sore tetanus arm.

Pete and I are having holiday card pictures taken by Jessica Fleming Photography next Monday.  So yesterday I went searching for something to wear.  I always intend for our photos to turn out like the photos on here, but usually end up with something not so good looking.  Just once I'd like to have a flattering photo of both of us where my hair isn't standing on end or I have a half open mouth or something.  I love how everyone coordinates, but isn't matchy matchy. 

Pete is so not a button down kind of guy and I want us both to be comfortable.  So I bought him this shirt in black (his favorite color):  Black Henley to wear with some dark jeans.

Then I went to searching....  It was hard because I'm between the plus sized clothes and the misses sized clothes in most stores.  I found these:
Green V-Neck to wear with a cami and some sparkly silver & green jewelry and jeans
Cowl Neck Sweater to wear with dark jeans, a diamond circle necklace that lays on my collarbones and dangly earrings
Blouson Shirt very similar to this with dark jeans and I have no idea what to wear for jewelry...

But after thinking about it, I have a grey & black dog and therefore we'd all be grey and black...weird?

I also have one of these shirts that is primarily white with some black, some navy blue spots and some green spots in it that I've worn with dark jeans, a black elbow length cardigan and some silver jewelry. 

Decisions, decisions.  The only thing I do know is that I'm praying that the middle aged pimples that I've been getting lately ease up for the pictures...

Yay! I'm sick! (tongue in cheek)

From the call I received I believe that I have sleep apnea.  Why do I only believe this?  Because the scheduler would tell me nothing.  Just like the nurse at the sleep study.  She simply told me, as an answer to every question, that I'd be meeting with the lung specialist and the Cpap fitter specialist in November. 

So I called Pete and said both of the following:

1.  Yay I have sleep apnea!
2.  I have sleep apena and occassionally have an obstruction when I sleep.

Number 1 is good because it means that once they confirm this I will qualify for the surgery.  Number 2 is sad and happy in that I now know why I feel so horrible when I try to sleep and why I keep Pete up at night.

So I see the specialists later this month and I havbe a call into the bariatric surgery center to see if they received my results so that I can schedule an appointment to actually talk to the doctor this time.

Strangely I'm not as overjoyed as I thought I'd be.  Just accepting.  I haven't quite processed why.  I can only say that I still feel like there will be something to hold me back.