It looms over me

Sometimes it consumes me. Consumes my thoughts.

When everything else is silent and my brain is still.
When I look at the calendar.
When I hear an emotional song.
When I see the words 'breast cancer'.
When I think about my Mom.
When I'm in the shower.

It's all I can do to think of how my life would change. Of what would change in my relationship with Pete. Of what I'd have to go through. Wondering if I'm negative will my insurance still pay for increased preventative testing.

I know that the counselor said that my life would change even if the tests were negative. But I can't see it. I know that it's a strong factor in my health already. I know that there may be a day that I hear those words and I've prepared myself for the diagnosis. I've prepared myself to be vigilant in the fight to catch it. I can't see how my life would change if I was negative.

And I think of my mom. If she is positive will her life be any different? She's had a double mastectomy already. Her doctor has already suggested a hystorectomy. How would her life change?

I think of my sister and I cry. I cry because she has two beautiful children who need her. Her life would be truned upside down if she was positive. Would I feel guilty if she was positive and I was negative? I know that I would. I already have guilt issues. My heart races wondering if I could put her before me? Would I, could I take the bullet for her? I can only think of the eyes of her children and know that my guilt would eat me up.

I'm fearful today. I'm plagued by questions that run through my head like a deer. Darting here and there, quickly.