The Pursuit of Happiness

I cannot be responsible for the happiness of others.

I must make my choices in pursuit of happiness for myself. Others can be happy for me, understand the choice I made or just be unappy about it all.

It took me 30 some odd years to get this concept. I keep wondering where the idea came from that I needed to please everyone else? I know that I've always sought positive affirmations from others and one sure way to get that is to make them happy. I know that my Mom made me let my sister tag along as a child with the idea that we'd be close and good friends so I was always thinking about whether or not it was something she could do also. I know that my Mom and I didn't have such a good relationship and for a long time I thought it was all my fault that the relationship wasn't good, when in reality is was both our faults. I know that I got tired of being shot down/being told no by my parents so I quit asking unless I knew that it was a good/yes answer.

Are any of those things that lead to the caretaking that I've done for years? The caretaking with family, friends and co-workers. Are any or all of those things that lead me to believe that I must strive to make others happy at the cost of my own happiness?

I don't know.

When I do know is that I am not responsible for the happiness of others. Simple statement. Yes and no. I do feel some responsibility to Pete's happiness as my partner. However, with that said, I also know that he would never ever make me do something for him that made me unbearly happy. That doesn't mean that I won't sit through a tv program that he liks and I hate. It does mean if he asked me to rob a bank with him, I'd feel no remorse for saying no. I also know that he would never ask me to do that.

My hard fought realization was confirmed with the meetings we had with the pastor during our counseling for pre-marriage. When I told him that I was a caretaker and that I only recently realized that I wasn't responsibile for the happiness of others, he said "Good." Coming from a man who does all kind of counseling, that was a wonderful affirmation to my realization.

Yet I needed to remind myself of it today in a conversation that I had with my sister about my mom. And I need to remind myself of it again when I think that I should have a friend be our wedding day coordinator even though I'm not sure that she can do the job. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I can't be responsible for her happiness, only mine.