P

P is a man that I have dated several times before. That sounds really bad, I know. We met online in the fall of 2002...I think. It may have been 2003. Anyway...

P and I met online on one of those dating sites. The first time we met in person, I knew there was something there. Butterflies, smiles and the whole nine yards. I think I love him at first sight.

We "dated" for a month, spending lots of time together walking around Centennial Lakes and the MOA and talking. He came to my house & we watched movies. Then one day he just disappeared. Emails and calls went unanswered. I had no clue as to what possibly could have happended, but it was done.

About 2 months passed and Pete called. He said that he had been out of state for family business and apologized for dropping off the face of the earth with no contact. He said that he wanted to see me and we made plans for him to come to my house later that week. Then I waited. Waited for about 3 hours the night he was to show. He never did and never called. The next day I got an email from him saying that he couldn't come. An email. I was understandably hurt again. And for the life of me I couldn't understand why he would just not show.

We ended up talking and made plans for him to come over the following week. And believe it or not, he did the same thing. So I was done. I wasn done waiting for this man who appeared too busy to make time for me. And if it was this hard now, in the beginning when things are rosey, what would it be like later?

So I went on with my life and forgot about him. I ended up meeting a really nice man and we dated for about 7 months before realizing that it wasn't going to work. Then I spent some time by myself. I really believe that if you're not happy and comfortable with yourself, you're not going to be happy & comfortable in a realitionship.

P continued to contact me via email while I was in the other relationship and afterwardsm but I never responded. Then one day I got another email from him. It had been about 10 months since we last talked and I agreed to meet up with him again. There are a couple of posts about him in the various blogs and our relationship. Basically he did to me again, what he had done before. He had limited time to see me, wanted me to be available for him when he had time and to basically wait for him. I couldn't do it. After about 3 months I was done again. I told him not to contact me. To just let it go.

I thought it was done.

In March of 2006 I was online and received an email from P. I had a horrible day, lots of stress in my life recently and just thought this was the kicker.

Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star...

Remember that kids song?

Twinkle twinkle, little star
How I wonder what you are.
You above the sky so high,
Like a diamond in the night.

Wish I may,
Wish I might,
Have this wish.
I wish tonight.

You're supposed to sing it when you see the first star in the sky and then make a wish.

My wish? It's been the same thing since I was about 14. Actually there was a period when my Mom was going through cancer that I wished for her heath. Other than that, every star had the same wish.

I wish that I would have a man to share my life with, one who loves me as much as I love him.

I think I have it. I really do. Ironically I thought that once I had it, I'd stop wishing on that star. Only I still use it. I still wish. In fact, I did so last night and the night before.

My wish now? I wish that this man and I will survive, that we will be together for a long time to come.

SIGH

So here I am, back again. Why? Why start blogging again? Sometimes I think that what I have in my head would be easier understood if I could get it out. If I could see it on the screen and read it from outside my head.