Tap..Tap, Tap...

*insert joke here*
Is this thing on?

If you would have asked me 7 months ago how my recovery from these mastectomies would have gone, I would have told you that my physical issues would take a long time to heal.  But I never considered longer term phychological issues.  Oh sure, I realized that there may be issues with losing my natural breasts and the scarring.  But the long term issues I never considered.

Today I am off the antidepressant.  It's too early to know what my new normal is again.  I will say that going off the meds and having PMS at the same time probably isn't recommended.  I'm tired all the time, expect at bedtime.  I'm way over emotional.  And I still have no motivation.

But I worry.  I worry that my previous normal will never be the same again.  I worry that taking the meds, even for a short time, screwed up my brain chemistry already.  I'm worried that I should have been on the meds long ago and life wouldn't have been so hard.  I'm worried.

I talk to Pete a lot more now about my feelings and emotions and we connect much better on a deeper level.  I will always have the surgery to thank for that.  He is supportive and a good listener.  Even if his goal is to "fix" it all, he realizes that it's not always my goal and that it's ok just to talk about it.  But I sense some frustration that he can't fix it for me.  I'm so very sorry for that.  My heart hurts that he has to ensure that feeling of helplessness because of me. 

I am done with physical therapy and therapy and, and it's just me.  And when I say that in my head and see that on this screen, I wonder again if the meds aren't what I really need.  I try to look at myself objectively as I can.  I see in my head all the conversations I've had with clients about taking their meds.  They all want to stop them because they're "fixed", but mental health is sometimes never "fixed" by a short course of medications.  I think about all the times that I directed them back to their doctors to get back on the meds that they self tapered off of.  I think about how I tell them that if they were diabetic they'd take the meds so they need to take the mental health meds.  And I wonder, is that what I should be telling myself?

What's My Plan?

Clearly 2013 wasn't anything that I thought it would be.  It's thrown me for a loop in most aspects of my life.  And while I'd love to tell you that I was "healed" on 1/10/14, 6 months after surgery, I'm not.  I'm done with therapy and feel like I have more control over my emotions.  But I'm still on the antidepressant and trying ti figure out how to get off.  I'm still in physical therapy to help build the muscles back up.  I'm not going to the gym on a regular basis.  And my motivation for anything seems to be gone.

So what's my plan?  I haven't quite figured out the whole thing.  In some ways, I'm more reluctant to plan in 2014 because of the loop that a went on in 2013.  It's as though I can't fathom planning past the next month or the next week.  Maybe the reluctance is from the abnormal biopsy and everything that happened afterwards or maybe it's from the antidepressant. 

I've been researching how to wean myself off the antidepressant because I feel like I need to try it on my own.  And while I could do it myself, others have told me that I should really see my doctor about it.  I've had long conversations with Pete about how the medication makes me feel.  No motivation, no energy, more insomnia, tired all the time, weight gain, nothing seems fun.  And while I like the fact that I'm not engaged in the running commentary in my head all the time and I'm less anxious and stressed, I think I need to be done with it.  The good doesn't seem to outweigh the bad.  We've talked about how I think I need to try it off the med and if something changes; if he sees negative changes in me, I'll go back on some type of medication.

I've thought long and hard about who I am.  The me before the medication with the dialogue in my head, driven by motivation and sometimes stress, anxious about things at times, goal oriented...  Maybe, just maybe, that's who I am and who I'm meant to be.  Even though those things were lessened with the medication, they are things that I am used to and have developed tools to deal with them.  This new me is someone that I don't know how to "fix".  I don't know how to get more motivation when I feel NONE.  I don't know how to feel highs and laughter and funny.  I don't know how to feel a bit stressed so that it drives to me be productive.  Maybe, those are all just me and I need them. 

So my plan is shortsighted for now.  Simply put, it's to get off the medication and see how I feel about it all.

Food Challenge!!!!!!!

Gah!  I'm late, late, late....for a very important date!

I'm piggybacking a food challge from 100 Days of Real Food for the first 14 weeks of 2014.  Anyone want to join in?  I created a Facebook Group to talk about the challenges, get support form others and see how we all do.  Just click the link and I'll add you!


14 Weeks of Mini-Challenges

And if you know anyone else who wants to join, send the link to them also!

Mayhem

I'm currently sitting in my office at home with not one, but two sleepy puppies behind me.  Nico the wonder schnauzer that I'd talked about before...my baby, my first born, my spoiled little office mate doggie.  And Pepper:

She's cute, right?  We're puppy-sitting for some friends; the wife has been sick and needs some rest.  Oh my gosh I could eat up this little black face and puppy breath and big paws and long waggy tail.  But...she should really be called Mayhem.

She's peed everywhere.  Just when you think that her tiny little bladder should be empty, she pees on a shoe.  She's pooed in almost every room.  She's dragged toilet paper through the hall and down sthe stairs while eating it.  She's removed stuffing from 3 animals and tried to lunch on it.  She's kocked over a side talbe full of things and gotten her color wrapped up in it, dragging it to the other room while barking.  She's escaped the snow walls Pete put in place for Nico in the yard.  She's tried to bite my nose off and suckled Pete's nose in the middle of the night.  I'm sure there is more, but that is the last 48 hours.

But then, the little cutie does stuff like sppon my dog while sleeping and all that stuff I just listed is wiped away.  Until the next time she tries to eat my earlobe and earrings.