I am a successful fat girl(epic post...)

Often, after we turn the lights out at night and are snuggled in bed, Pete and I have the most honest, thought provoking, heart wrenching, awesome conversations.  There is something about being quiet with no electronics, no TV, no background noise.  Something about the darkness that provides anonymity to pour our hearts out to each other.  Something about the conforting snuggle that makes us feel secure enough to let it all out.

Last night Pete made a joke about his excess skin and how it jiggled.  I was instantly in tears.  My thought was, if he thinks that he's jiggly, what does he think about me now?  And what will he think of me after surgery/weight loss when I have jiggly skin?  He wasn't trying to be mean.  He wasn't suggesting anything about me, it was a response to him not feeling good about himself.  And so, in true nightime conversation style, we had an awesome talk.  So I'm sharing it with you.

I am having a hard time with body image right now.  Pete lost 130 pounds.  That's a whole human.  He's skinny enough that his pant legs are longer than his waist is around.  He's skinny enough to wear skinny jeans.  He's skinny.  And often times when I look at him I wonder if we "fit" together as a couple?  By that I mean, when you look at us, do we look like we fit together?  In my mind, no.  He is skinny and I am still overweight.  And through the silent tears and the hushed tones I told him this.  And he held me, silently.  Then he explained that he loved me no matter what I looked like.  He had every confidence that I would be successful in weight loss with the help of a new tool - the gastric band.  He told me I am powerful.

But you know what?  I don't believe him.  I don't think I am powerful for one moment.  Then I thought about what the #OSOB event and Jen from Prior Fat Girl said about the emotional part of losing weight.  I was silent for a bit, other than the slight hicups from trying to calm the tears.  I took a breath and let it all come out...

I have been so successful as the overweight girl.  I learned to eat to keep myself from being seen, to blend into the background.  I learned that I can use my weight as an excuse for why I wasn't good enough to get that job, to date that man, to have those kids, to travel the world, to reach my goals.  Dammit, I am a successful fat girl and part of me doesn't want to give that up.  It's comfortable.  It's familiar.  It's what has worked for me for years and years.  It's part of me. (It's very scary to admit this.)

Getting closer to a surgery date I am struck by how scared I am to let my fat girl go.  What if I lose the weight and I'm still not successful?  What if I can't lose the weight at all?  What if people see the REAL ME and don't like me?  What if I'm still not getting ahead at work?  What if I still can't travel the world?  What if Pete doesn't love me anymore?  All these what if's and I have no excuse to rely on...other than me.  The REAL ME. 

I need to embrase the REAL ME.  I need to know that the REAL ME is ok, no matter what she turns out to be.  I need to rely on the REAL ME.  I need to know that the REAL ME, is really who I am; is really who I have wanted to be my whole adult life.  I need to start learning the REAL ME...now.

And with all that, Pete and I settled in for sleep.  He knowing more about me and what I'm going through.  Me knowing more about his current issues and what he is going through.  Both of us feeling better together.

Can I motivationally interview myself?

I was instantly involved in this motivational interiewing training.  I have to admit that I dreaded going.  I dislike the touchy feely role playing trainings that seem to be the norm in my field lately.  It's a struggle to shift my mind from keeping distance and being authoratative to being empathetic and caring.  That sounds horrible, right?  I mean I got into probation thinking that I could make a difference and help people and the community.  But when I think about it, that wasn't what occurred.  I was authoratative and demanding.  The two ideas rarely met in the middle.  I spent a lot of time struggling to see that I helped the people I worked with.  And rarely would I feel good because progress toward becoming a more productive member of the community occurred.

So while I thought about the fact that I could really use this to feel more successful in my work life, I also wondered if I could use it in my personal life.  The answer ended up being of course. 

Did you know that every choice has some ambivalence?  Every choice we make has reasons for and against making it.  And while we want to change, just like my last blog post, do we really want to change?  When we start thinking about change and talking with other people about it, we get feedback.  And our natural inclination is that when someone tells us a reason for change, we think about the reasons against it.  Almost like "I'll show you.  I don't really need to change."  We dig our heels in about not changing.  The same is true of the reverse.  If someone tells us why we shouldn't change, we instinctively think of all the reasons why we should change.

After the first day of this training I kept thinking, "Can I motivationally Interview myself?"  Can I work though the steps and exercises that were a part of this to motivate myself to change when my motivation was lacking?  I think so.  I really think so.

My plan is to spend some time reworking the exercises she presented and posting them so everyone can learn from them.  Not just me.

Am I Ready For Change?

At the recent One Step, One Breath Event, one of speakers talked about changes.  Are you ready for change?  She kept asking?  And my immediate response was "Yes, of course I am."  Yet she asked us to think about it further.  Am I REALLY ready for change or do I just like the idea of it? 

For example, she said that she wanted to quit smoking.  She would stop and everything would be good.  But...she'd go out with friends on Friday and they were smoking so she would smoke with them.  But she had quit.  But she didn't really want the change, she just liked the idea of it.  Once she was willing to stop smoking all the time, she was really ready for the change.

I thought about this while at the OBOS event, but then kind of put it out of my mind. 

Then I attended a training for work.  A training on Motivational Interviewing.  Likely most people have't heard of motivational interviewing or MI.  It's used in several areas of life as a tool to help ellicit changes from people who are resistive to change.  It's based on strategies that allow the person to come to the conclusion that change is necessary and how they can accomplish it.

The model of change looks like this:

When the trainer put this model on the screen I was once again hit with the question "Am i ready for change?"  It's interesting to me that when I'm struggling with something, I'm often times 'shown' the path in all areas of my life.  This is another example of this.  Never would I have thought that the change question would be repeated to me in my work life also.

So where am I in this model?  I'd say preparation <---> action.  I wander between these two on a regular basis.  I also think that it's interesting to note that relapse is built into the model.  Everyone relapses, falls back and needs to continue working on progress.  This was another item that the speakers all talked about at the OSOB event.  You relapse, your pick yourself up and start back on your path.

So where are you in this model?

Soup for Lunch

After not feeling good for a week I realized that soup is a pretty good lunch for me.  It fills me up and give me a chance to get in veggies and things that I may normally not eat.  So Sunday I made soup, applesauce, sugar free jello with blueberries and small cookies.

The cookies are a German recipe with dates, raisins and other dried fruit.

The applesauce I do a lot.  Pete says he will eat apples, but never does, or only eats one.  So I core, peel and cube the apples in a tall sauce pan.  I add 1/2 tablespoon of vanilla sugar per apple and 1/2 cup water per apple.  I let it simmer on medium heat and when the apples are soft I mash them against the side until they're as chunky as I want.  Usually this takes about 10-15 minutes.

The soup was this:
5 cups low sodium chicken stock
1 can fire roasted tomatoes
1 can white beans, drained and rinsed well
1 leek, chopped
3 carrots, chopped
1 zucchini, diced
1 bag of baby spinach
1 package of mushrooms, chopped
1 package of fresh spinach tortellini from the dairy section
3 cloves of garlic, minced

I put 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a stock pot and added the carrots and garlic to sweat a bit.  Then I added the leeks, the zucchini and the mushrooms.  After about 5 minutes I added the tomatoes and cooked it again for 5 minutes.  Then I added the stock, the beans and the spinach.  I let that cook until the spinach was wilted and added the tortelini.  I cooked that for 12 minutes until the pasta was soft.  Then I cooled it and divided it into 2 cup servings for lunch.

YUM!  Definitely a soup I can eat all week and not tire of it.

#OSOB

(Or is it #OSOB?  I can never get it right...)

I went to the Prior Fat Girl's One Step, One Breath event Saturday.  Wanna know what I learned?

This journey of healthiness doesn't have an end.  It's a life path.  There is no finish line, there is a new way of life forever.

In a silent room, the raised hands of EVERYONE who is struggling on their journey is LOUD!  Loud enough to make me cry.  Loud enough to encourage me to continue on my path.  Loud enough to know that I am not alone even when it feels like it.  Loud enough to let me know that people understand my struggle and know what I'm going through.  I needed that loud.