Fed Up

Firstly, I have decided that I am a documentary junkie.  If I lived a bit closer to the little theater in Minneapolis, I'd be there 3-4 nights a week to see every documentary they have. 

Have you heard of the movie FED UP?  It's been on my radar since I heard about it about a month or so ago.  I've been waiting for it to play here so I could go see it.  Pete and I went last week and I wavered.  It seemed a bit counterproductive to eat popcorn while watching a movie like Fed Up.  So I brought some water and Pete got a soda.  But you'd be surprised how many people had popcorn and soda!

The movie touches on the lives of 3 kids who are obese and the struggles their families go through to try to regulate their weight.  In the middle, it give some horrifying facts about low fat, low sugar, sugar free and sugar.  I wish I had brought a headlamp, pad of paper and pen to take notes.  There was such good information.

The thing that struck me the most was that the sugar industry is mirroring the tobacco industry, almost to a T.  Tobacco denied issues with cigarettes for so long, in the public, in their internal paperwork and to congress when asked.  In the end, they were forced to admit that they knew for years how destructive it was.  The sugar industry is at the place of denial.  They deny how addictive sugar is, how bad it really is and just how much sugar is ok for humans. 

I left with a renewed goal of kicking my sugar habit and be more observant of how much sugar I really eat.  Have you ever really looked at a food label?  Ever notice how sugar is the only listing that doesn't have a daily percentage behind it?  It's all because of the sugar industry and how much control they have at his time.  Did you know that adult women should limit their intake to 6 teaspoons a day?  Do you know how much is in a soda?  15.  Ever try finding a greek yogurt without sugar?  I spent an hour and 2 stores trying to find one that was healthy and had no sugar.  Sugar is pervasive and my struggle with it is real. 

Today And Only Today

Last week, I thought a lot about where I am and where I want to be.  I thought about how mad I was at myself for getting to this point.  I thought about how it's different trying to live like this again because I know the difference of being healthier. 

Let me say that again.  Before, weighed more and ate horrible and although I wished I was healthier, I was okay to a certain point, living like that because I didn't know any better.  Now I know how awesome to feels to be in great shape.  I know how euphoric it can be to exercise hard and see results.  I know how much more energy I had when I ate better.  I know the difference.

But, it occurs to me that I am somewhat like an alcoholic, only with food.  I have lived so long with the habits that I developed as an unhealthy young adult and adult, that the easiest thing for me to do in times of stress, hurt, anger, upset...is to return to them.  It's familiar and easy and calming.

But I know better.  I know much better.  And when you know better, you should be doing better. 

So today, and only today, I plan to:  choose to eat better, choose to move more, choose to destress when needed.  Tomorrow is another day and another chance to make good choices.  One day at a time.

So where am I at?

After all that has gone on, where am I at?

Honestly...and I am going to be honest here...

I weighed myself today and I'm 226.  My lowest ever was 188 and I was hanging around 192-195 for the first 6 months of 2013.  I have 1 pair of work pants that I can get on, but they're so tight that I'm uncomfortable by the end of the day.  I have 2 pair of jeans that fit me.  I have 5 or 6 shirts that fit for wearing out.  But mostly I wear yoga pants and old YMCA t-shirts. 

I developed planter fascitis in my left foot.  So running...nope.  Walking...nope.  Some days, by the end of the day I can barely walk on it.  I'm trying to use the store bought inserts and being aware of my foot ware and doing the exercises I found on the net.  The gym has been non existent.

Eating.  Sigh.  I am full out sugar addicted again.  FULL OUT.  Pete has done so well with his weight loss and is hovering at 162-167 with a really fast metabolism.  He makes cookies about twice a week and keeps them on the counter.  I try not to indulge and honestly he would stop if I asked, but I don't want my stuff to impact him.  I try to have a green salad with lots of veggies and some protein in the form of hard boiled egg, cheese or tuna on it for lunch every day.  So that's on target.  But I'm not hungry for breakfast since I'm not at the gym and I struggle with what to eat.  Dinner I'm pretty good also.  It's the snacking.  Licorice, cookies, cake, PB cups...snacking.

I still have days where I question the choices I made.  There is a huge movement that says that doctors are 'pushing' mastectomies for people like me, when they're not really needed.  The instance of cancer deaths is down, but there is testing that shows that the type of pre-cancer that I had, doesn't often turn into full blown breast cancer.  The difference for me, is that I had the family history and the 60% chance of it actually going to cancer.  Sometimes it's hard to look past the what ifs and just be at peace with my decision.  The choices that I made had such an impact on so many aspects of my life and impacted Pete too.  And I need to stress that he is supportive of whatever choice I wanted to make, but that's not to say that there were some negatives that came with it.

I'm so freaking frustrated with myself!  My body image is bad again.  I don't want to shop for clothes, that's why I haven't bought very much bigger things.  Shopping isn't fun.  In fact, I've walked in several stores, only to walk back out again because I don't have the mental fortitude to dig in and start trying on clothes.  Not only have I gained weight, but my shape has changed again.  I realize how small my hips had gotten when I lost weight.  They're back to being big and it makes finding clothes really really hard (crying while writing this and thinking about it).

I've come to realize that what worked for me before in losing weight, isn't going to work now.  And I'm pissed off that I have to figure out a new plan.  Pissed.  But sitting here and bitching about the whole thing isn't going to change it, is it?  I need to figure out that plan.  Soon.

Oh hey, Hi.

I won't bore you with the details, but the man cold jumped ship to the wife.  So I've been spending my mornings trying to furiously work for a few hours so that I can spend my afternoons coughing up a lung while trying to nap.  Oh, and binge watching Grey's Anatomy via Netflix.

None of this has to do with losing weight, eating better or anything.  Other than all I want to do is drink ginger ale because the carbonation seems to soothe my sore throat.  I can't walk up the stairs without huffing, puffing and depositing my lung on the fifth stair.  And my idea of working out is how my abs tighten when I cough.

So, the gym is a no go currently.

And healthy eating?  Well lets just say that cooking has been Pete's job.  And Monday night he served up "Hotdog and Baked Bean Lasagna with Pepper Jack Cheese and Spicy BBQ Sauce.

Why are you laughing?  I'm dead serious.  He sandwiched all that in between lasagna noodles.  He was proud and I ate it.  2 nights in a row.

Yesterday seemed to be a corner in the illness front.  My chest loosened up and it's not a dry hacking cough, it's productive (as my doctor says).  And my head seems to be decongesting as well, as evidenced by the amount of lotion tissues I've used this morning. 

And I actually don't mind "cooking" because I took out 1/2 pound of lean ground lamb that I'm going to mix with i diced potato, a couple of carrots, some peas and stock to make a shepard (but not Derek Shepard.  See what I did there?) pie, minus the mashed tators on top.  Or maybe I'll use the sweet potato in the mixture and microwave the white potato and make fast mashed tators for Pete...

Anyway, I hope to be back at it by Monday. 

Ash Wednesday/The 40 Days of Lent

It's no secret, I often use the pressure of Lent to give up food things or try to be healthier.  I believe that this is ok and I give myself permission to do so, knowing that a healthier me is a better me and that the spirit of Lent is represented in my struggle.

This year, my goal is to be more mindful of why I'm eating.  Working from home, I have a whole kitchen at my disposal all. the. time.  It's not like I can only bring my breakfast & lunch and I'm out of food.  Well, I suppose I could if I locked myself in my extra bedroom/office.  But that would mean that Pete would have to lock me inside from the outside.  And that would be weird because I'd have no potty.  I digress...

I created a little note in my phone, titled...Lent.  (original!) My plan is that aside from meals, if I'm going to eat a 'snack', I need to log the time and what I'm feeling and if I still choose to snack.  I need to be more mindful about what I'm snacking on and my feelings at the time.  Snacking has been an issue for me in the past and continues to be.  This strategy really helped me in the days leading up to surgery and after surgery. 

It's the little things.  The little things that add up to big things.  Big changes and goals and dreams. 

The Plan (version 2, or 200)

So I've posted a few times previously about a plan or action plan.  I have a new version.  A restart.

What I know:

• I currently weigh 224 pounds
• I'm not currently going to the gym
• Running is still awkward given my new body shape and anything less than running on that treadmill is frustrating.
• I'm afraid to go back to Body Pump because of the loss of muscle and change in my body.
• I'm eating more disordered meals and snacks.
• I'm having issues with insomnia again which cause an inability to get up early for the gym.
• I work from home most the time and wear stretchy clothes because none of my other clothes fit.

I've been trying to address some of these things with the following rules hanging in various places in my house:

• No electronics after 9:30pm
• Take vitamins and minerals daily.
• 100 ounces of water daily.
• No carbonated drinks.
• 3 clean meals and 2 planned snacks
• Gym, 3 days a week.

I've been great about carbonated drinks.  I had returned to some soda drinking at the time I had surgery and afterwards.  When I asked Pete to buy a 12 pack and he came home with a 24 pack that was gone in a week, I knew that I needed to stop.  I'm 3 weeks in.

My vitamins are on and off.  I need to place them on my work desk so that they stare me in the face every morning and I take them more frequently.

Water.  *sigh*  Some days I can't get enough and some days I struggle.  So I returned to some water additives to help.  Pete is into juicing and sometimes I add some of the cucmber or fruit juices that he makes.  Others, it's a natural ingredient crystal light with cane sugar/stevia or True Lime's BlackCherry Limeade.

Meals/Snacks are a struggle I'm fully willing to admit.  Pete is down to about 160-165 and has stayed there for about 7-8 months.  He works out enough and his metabolism is so high that he has been buying cookie dough, Oreos, ice cream, reeces PB cups and other crap.  He eats and eats and doesn't gain.  I will have a PB cup and a couple of cookies and it's all over for me.  I need to stop.  He is more than willing to not have the stuff in the house so that it's not tempting me, but I feel back and keep buying it for him.  But it comes back to my CHOICES.  I need to 'reset' my band and let the pouch above it shrink back down.  So starting Sunday I'm going to drink Pete's Body by VI shakes for breakfast & lunch and then eat a clean meal of chicken/veg or salmon/veg for dinner for a week.

The gym.  It's periods like now where it isn't my second home and I don't feel compfortable because I've gained weight that I struggle even going.  My favorite instructor keeps telling me it's ok and I'll find my way back.  It's people like her that make me love my local Y.  Because I'm awkward running and scared of injuring myself in Body Pump, I've decided to branch out.  I'v scheduled myself classes 3 days a week; Mondays is Water Execrise in the pool, Wednesdays is Standing Flow Stretching and Movement and Fridays I'll try Body Pump with a bar only, no weight.

That's the new plan.

You Can't Juice A Banana

So last week Pete traded appliances with a friend.  (really)

He traded our never used air popper, panini maker and rice cooker for a juicer.  I'm not sure who got the better deal.  But I will say that even if we trade back, we got the chance to use something new and see if it worked for us before we bought.

He's juiced pears, apples, oranges, strawberries, tomatoes, carrots, kale, bell peppers and hot peppers, lemons, cranberries, broccoli, cauliflower and pineapple. 

Not all together though.  He makes his own blend of things, drinks the juice and goes on his way.  I keep pointing out that the pineapple orange isn't really the intention of the machine.  I mean, sure, it's fresh produce, but it's all sugar.  I keep trying to get him to juice kale and tomatoes and add a few berries in for sweetness so that he's getting more veggies.  (he doesn't eat many veggies)

So over the weekend he sent me all these SMOOTHIE recipes, as a suggestion on what produce to buy him for the week.  Only I had to point out that you can't really juice a banana.  Right?  I guess we could try.  I told him that smoothies are for the blender and juice is, well, for the juicer.  I encouraged him to look up juicing and the benefits and recipes.  All I get in response is smoothie recipes.

I had him juice me some cranberries and oranges.  I've been adding that to my water every day to give it a bit of flavor. 

Anyone else juice?  Got any non banana recipes for Pete?

My Husband Likes Soup

When I first met my husband I did a fine job of trying to impress him with my cooking.  I cooked homey hotdishes (casseroles for you non Midwesterners), fragrant soups and cheesy pasta dishes.

One day, about a year after we'd been married, my husband suddenly says, "You know, I don't like soup."  And I was shocked.  I mean, how can you not like soup?  He suddenly volunteered that sandwiches were for lunch, not a dinner item.  Cheese was gross.  As for hotdishes, they have all the food mixed up and not much flavor.

Then I realized that he was not the man I thought I knew.  Growing up German with a father from the Southeast, I thought for sure that he'd welcome the kind of food I cooked.  Potatoes layered with sauerkraut and sausages?  Nope.  Chicken noodle soup on a cold day? Nope.

So we moved on and I cooked other things. 

Then one day a month ago, I noticed that my cheese package was pretty small.  After thinking about it I asked Pete and he admitted that he was...STEALING MY CHEESE!  Here he'd been having toasted cheese sandwiches and even cheese slices cold from the fridge.  Who was this man and what had he done with my husband?

Last week we went to a local restaurant for restaurant week.  It's a fixed menu where you make a couple of choices and spend $30 on a meal that would be $75 or more.  For a starter, my husband chose curried butternut squash soup with apples.  WHERE IS MY HUSBAND AND WHO IS THIS MAN?

Later in the week, we visited another restaurant and one of the garnishes on the salad was a candied onion.  Oh how I was looking forward to the sweetness of the candying and the sharp onion on the inside.  But no.  MY HUSBAND ATE IT.  ALL.

So, last night for dinner, we are had Curried Butternut Squash Soup with Apple, Smoked Chicken Sausages and crusty bread with Cheddar melted on it.  All things that my husband (or so he says he's my husband....) did not eat 30 days ago.

Does this seem weird to you too?

(this post is in good humor.  I really do not think aliens abducted my husband.)

Sunday Mornings

As a kid, weekends were golden. No school, no rushing around and I could do what I want (for the most part).  Saturdays, my Mom deemed cleaning days. We turned up the stereo and everyone worked on a room. After that we were free to ourselves. I'd spent the afternoon and evening reading, watching TV or out with friends.

Sundays mornings were spent eating some form of brunch.  Pancakes, waffles, eggs, toast, bacon, sausages, cinnamon rolls, orange juice, coffee. I've memories of my Mom making perfect omelets even though she doesn't eat eggs.  She'd get out the shiny silver waffle maker and boil down water and maple flavoring for syrup. 

My Dad was less conventional about cooking. He grew up the son of a farmer who never had to think about cooking, because my Grandma did it all. He'd make freshly grated hash brown potatoes with large pieces of onion, scrambled eggs and diced hot dogs. Then we'd squirt copious amounts of ketchup all over it before eating. 

Food is connected to my childhood memories, whether I like it or not. And while my relationship with food is a bit broken, I still treasure those memories. They speak to a childlike innocence, lazy and relaxing days.  They are emotionally comforting in a time where I'm not quite sure where I fit in right now.

Yesterday was a Sunday golden day. A day I made sure to live presently in, all day. I feel as though the dog tried sleeping on my face all night, but let me sleep until 8 am. I woke up to pumpkin coffee with a dab of cream. I concocted a breakfast of potato hash with bacon, onion, jalapenos, cooking on the stove. Finished, I topped it with runny eggs and sharp salty cheddar for me, instant grits and runny eggs for Pete. We are in front of the TV, talking about the weekend. I am relaxed and present.

I read my new cookbook and crocheted a bit after breakfast. Relaxing with a warm sleepy puppy and a blanket my Grandma crocheted for my high school graduation. All the while watching reruns of Law and Order. The sun glowed through the blinds in the living room and made the cold outside seem much warmer. Golden. 

It's Sunday nights where I feel most like an adult. Sundays are when I bake bread and cakes. I roast whole chickens with root veggies. I slow cook turkey sausage chili with cornbread. The making of large meals again reminds me of my childhood. Of sitting round a table in the dark evening with tender roast, buttered carrots and soft potatoes. Of pieces of white bread with butter and the TV running the evening news or a football game.

This Sunday I made Turkey Wild Rice Hotdish with a crusty whole grain honey bread. Between dinner and breakfast, I made some new golden food memories. 

208.6; Moving In the Right Direction?

The number is back.  That number before all of my blog entries.  Maybe part of my issue is that I put weight on without really noticing.  You see, I couldn't wear anything other than stretchy pants after surgery because of surgical scars, so no jeans or khaki pants.  And I stopped weighing myself with any frequency.  Initially it was depressing because I was so swollen from surgery so I stopped.  But I never picked it up again.  Thus the big crying fit when nothing I wear to work fits.

Weighing myself every day is a key to relearning my body - when it goes up and down and why.  I don't want to be trapped by the scale; live and die by the scale.  That said, I think it a a tool that I need right now to head back in the right direction.

So do I really think that I lost 5 pounds since Saturday?  Maybe.  I was drinking lots of carbonated soda, eating lots of sugar and not drinking as much water as I should.  I was also not moving a whole lot.  So the real answer is maybe. The thing is, I forgot how motivating even a little bit of loss is.  Even the 2 pounds over night to Sunday left me feeling motivated to keep going.  The continual losing is continual motivation.  And seeing that I can stay around 1500 calories and feel satisfied is also motivating. 

I'm in a job rotation where I need to be in the office all day, most days, for 3 weeks.  I'm using it as a jump start.  I move lots more when I'm doing that part of the job - up and down from my desk all day, talking, and walking through the building.  I drink lots of water at work (like 75 ounces a day) because it's dry both summer and winter.  And because I'm so busy there is no random snacking, continual snacking or anything like it.  This 3 weeks should jump start any eating right and water goals that I have.

As for exercise.  Well, Pete and I walked the Mall of America for a couple of hours on Sunday and then walked Ikea for an hour.  By the car ride home I was falling asleep.  My stamina to just do daily life is greatly diminished.  I'm really trying to build that up so that I can get up before work and walk at the gym and get back to Body Pump and running.  This 3 weeks will force me to just get up every day and do daily life.  I think I need that to get over this hump of inability to just do life and get back to where I'm working out daily again.

Do I feel better than Saturday night?  Absolutely.  Do my work pants fit me with the loss.  Nope.  Do I still hate the crap out of my "new" work pants?  YES.  But I'm going in the right direction.

Confessional; Seeking Forgiveness

I feel like I should be in the confessional at church asking my priest for some sin that I've committed.  My sin?  Gaining weight back, after working so hard ot lose it.

I had to try on pants yesterday because I'm working at the office for a couple of days and yoga/jeans are not acceptable.  None of them fit.  I could get none of them over my ass.  None. 

It makes me so frustrated to see that I had come so far and now I'm headed back in the wrong direction.  Call me Judgy McJudgerson, but when I used to read weight loss bloggers talk about a significant weight gain, I judged.  They fell off the food wagon and couldn't get back on.  I thought that I was immune to regaining my weight.  I have the gastric band, I have a good relationship with food and with the gym, I have a supportive husband. 

And I was so freaking proud of myself before surgery because although my gym going was sporadic, I had learned how to maintain my weight.  No I wasn't losing, but I also wasn't gaining. I thought I had such a good, reformed relationship with food and how to eat to maintain weight. 

And yet here I am, 6 months after this roller coaster of possible breast cancer and mastectomies and recovery and I am a good 15 pounds heavier than I was pre-surgery.  My body shape has changed, both because of my weight gain and my surgery.  None of my pants fit me, other than yoga pants.  I don't feel good about myself and my body and I don't fucking know how to make it all better.  I just want it all better.  I want my body and life that I had before it was all mashed up with biopsies and surgery and sitting around.

If I confess all my sins to you, can I get back to that place?  If I say 12 Hail Marys and study the food chart, will I be forgiven?  Can I forgive myself?  I'm frustrated and sad and I feel like I have no control over what is going on in my life!

And then it occurs to me that maybe that's why I'm eating.  Maybe my food relationship isn't all that great and I'm eating because I can't control the rest of my life.  But I can sure control that bag of Muddie Buddies Chex Mix going in my mouth.  Maybe that's the lesson in all of this.  I know putting that food in my mouth isn't making the control and emotions any better.  I know this.  It's not making the fact that I had both breasts removed and have fake boobs any better.  It's certainly not making my post surgical body image any better.  It's not making anything better.  Maybe that's the lesson in this.

I need to continue to accept that I am a disorganized eater with a broken relationship with food.  Instead of pushing the emotions away by trying to eat them, I need to recognize what I'm putting in my mouth at all times and why I'm eating it.  Instead of eating my life, I need to talk it out or write it out or exercise it out, hell even scream it out into nothingness.  But I can't continue to eat it.

Maybe there is a lesson in all of this.  Maybe I can ask for forgiveness.  But not from a priest, from myself.  I need to forgive myself and it's ok to do that.  My relationship with food will always be broken, but I have choices in how I deal with it.  Maybe the lesson is forgiveness and choices and learning to allow myself to have these periods and chose to get myself out of them.

So I bought pants.  And I hate them.  I absolutely fucking hate them with a passion.  They fit, they're nice pants, but I will always hate them because they are a size or 2 larger than what I was wearing before.

3 Tips to Lose Weight

There are lots of times that I have people ask how I lost weight.  While I tell them what I did, I'd rather be giving them general ideas to try for themselves.  My path to losing weight is just that - my path.  What worked for me, isn't going to work for someone else.  I'd rather that they listen to my tips, ideas and choices and figure out the their path. 

I know, I know!  Everyone wants the quick fix, the easy track or the sure thing.  But the truth is that it's like a unicorn and doesn't exist, except in our imaginations.  The diets may result in loss, but it returns as soon as you return to your normal eating.  The structured weight loss clinics/plans, again they work while you're involved, but stop when you're not involved.  The point here is that you need to learn what works for you and make it your life.  Not a couple of months here and there, your lifestyle for good.

So here are my top three tips:

Get rid of your dinner plates.  You can keep one or two for serving platters, but pack the rest away.  Use that salad plate as your sinner plate.  You are forced to take smaller portions and therefore eat less.  Your brain is tricked into thinking that it's full because you've cleaned your plate.

Find your water bottle.  Sounds strange, but I bought a lot of bottles that were trendy and cute, but didn't work for me.  I don't like aluminum bottles because I like seeing what's inside and after a while they seem to take on the taste of whatever was put in them.  I didn't like the bottles with screw on caps because it was hard to get them off while exercising; not to mention I always wore more water than I drank with the large bottle opening.

As for the contents:  water.  Fill up your bottles with water and drink.  I drink at least 3 of these a day for a total of 75 ounces, along with any other liquids I drink.  I have 4 of these bottles and I keep 2 in the fridge with cold water.  Sometimes I use room temp water because cold water is just too cold.  In the summer especially, I add fresh fruit juice to it.  I take berries, melon or even veggies and put them in the blender/food processor and puree.  Then I let them drain through a fine colander to get out the solids and seeds.  I keep these in small containers in the fridge and add a bit when I need flavoring.

Shop outside.  And by this I mean shop the outside aisles of the grocery store.  Try spending 30% of your budget in the produce section.  Eat what's in season to maximize your spending.  Spend 25% of your budget in lean proteins:  chicken, fish, pork and turkey.  It's fine to add in some beef every week, but the majority of your meals should be lean protein.  30% should be spent in the dairy section; cheeses, greek yogurt, lowfat milk, and eggs.  10% should be spent in the frozen aisles for frozen veg and fruit when not in season.  The other 5%, spend in aisles for grains, legumes and rice.  this my example of how I try to shop most times.  It varies according to what I might be out of or need.

Stop with the pre-packaged, quick, processed foods.  If you are craving cookies, make them yourself.  This accomplishes a couple of things:  first it allows you to know just what is in the recipe you're eating and you can modify it if you want to fit your eating, it makes you work for your food so you know you really want to eat it by putting in the effort to make it and it's not an instant gratification to pull something from a box and eat it.  All good things when trying to lose weight, not to mention get healthier.

It's weigh in Wednesday.  But here's the deal...I'm not going to weigh myself until next week.  Pete is going to help me get started back at the gym and for now, that scale is off limits to avoid more frustration.

196.6; Friday Fives - BBQ Sauce Recipe Edition

1.  The days are getting monotonous.  But it's amazing what tires me out.  Just a 30 minute ride in the car with a couple of errands results in a nap.  I've been sleeping in bed this week.  It's frustratingly hard to do and I wake up sore and uncomfortable after about 5-6 hours. 

2.  I've been doing more and more myself.  But I have to be resourceful.  I used the  BBQ tongs to reach down and get my clothes out of the washer to get them into the dryer.  I swear I washed them afterwards.

3.  I've been almost totally off the pain meds (other than a few here and there) for a week.  It's a good thing.

4.  I have this urge to drive.  This is the longest I've not driven a vehicle since probably I was in college and didn't have a car.  I have the clearance from the doctor to drive short distances, maybe 15-20 minutes.  But I swear Pete's about ready to hide the car keys at the mere mention of me driving.

5.  BBQ Sauce Recipe.  I make my own so that I can tweak it how I want it.

1/2 cup Chili Sauce
3/4 cup ketchup (find one without HFCS)
2/3 cup molasses
3/4 cup brown sugar
1/3 cup apple cider vinegar
2 T worcestershire sauce
3 teaspoons ground, dry mustard
3 teaspoons Hungarian paprika
1 teaspoon powdered garlic
1 teaspoon powdered black pepper
1/2 teaspoon siracha sauce

This is a cold processed  sauce, meaning you don't cook it.  I mix it all in a medium bowl with a whisk.  Then I put it into the squeeze bottles and let it sit on the counter.  As it sits at room temp, the flavors blend and give it a wonderful sweet start and spicy/warm finish.  I adapted the sauce from here.  Pete and I usually use this up in a couple of weeks and we keep it in the fridge after the first use.  Couple of hints:  1. Use any spices to flavor it differently - for a Mexican flare, add cumin and chili powder - for Asian, replace the vinegar with rice wine vinegar and the worcestershire with soy.  2.  Any dry spices need to be powdered or blended in the blender/stick blender so that they fit through the spout of the squeeze bottle.  Or it's very frustrating. 3.  Try to find the sauces used that have less ingredients, no HFCS and more organic.

197.4: 5 Positives for Mind/Body

My first Weigh In Wednesday after my mastectomy surgery.  I started out the day of surgery at 194.  My lowest was in February at 187.  Today, all drains out, I weigh 197.4.  Not bad considering my gastric band was loosened and I can eat way more than I should be.  Not bad considering I've been eating casseroles and things that I wouldn't normally make.  Not bad considering that I am still pretty swollen in my abdomen from where they took the flaps.

Today is weigh in number 1 to recovery and resuming weight loss mode!

It occurred to me that there are things that I can do to make myself feel better.  To make my body feel better and my psyche feel better.

1.  I am being kind to my fingernails.  I'm taking care of them and the cuticles that I usually neglect into dryness and poor condition.

2.  I am taking care of my face.  I've purchased new skincare because I need to switch it out every so often.  Philosophy is my line of choice.  I'm committed to washing, night and day, and using moisturizer to improve my skin.

3.  I'm taking care of my tootsies.  My feet.  I usually neglect them and they're dry and not the best looking.  Well, no more, I'm committed to doing the foot care that makes my feet soft and silky and keep my toenails polished with F U Cancer colors.

4.  I'm committed to getting back to walking daily.  Even if it is the couple of blocks at a time.

5.  I'm committed to eating mindfully again.  Why am I eating?  Hungry?  Bored?  Hurting?  Emotional?  If it's something other than hungry, announce it!  Be honest about it and move on, with the intent to do better next time.

The Kindness of Friends

(I'm blaming the muscle relaxer, this posted already and I can't figure out if it's me or the site...Oh well.)

I joked before surgery that my recovery would be filled with Pete's dinners of eggs or eggs and grits.  He can cook, and cook very well.  The thing is that he doesn't know what to put together, without some help from me, about what is in the house or what fits together.

Friday my coworker friend brought over several meals for Pete and I.  I was humbled beyond words.  Humbled.  This is an awesome show of support and love from people I interact with daily.  They mean much more to me than simply co worker.

 

This is a rhubarb cake.  Pete drooled when he saw it.  I'd show you the wonderful Asian letter wraps that came with this, but we inhaled them before I thought about it.

 

This is a wild rice soup and a Mexican casserole.  I love that the soup is frozen, because there is no way to eat all this food before it spoils.  The Mexican casserole I actually split and froze a portion also.  Yummy!

 

Taco Pasta.  This is my kryptonite.  This is the salad that I long for from the deli.  And I had to restrain myself to not dig in as soon as I saw it.

 

 

 

 

Chicken Tortilla Soup.  Lovely, spicy and full of veggies.  There was 1/2 gallon of it and thankfully I could freeze some of this too.

My co workers are more than that, they're friends.  Friends who listened to me through this.  Supported me when I was down and needed to vent at work.  Who cover my job function while I'm out.  Who email me little tidbits to keep me informed.  They are good friends.  And I appreciate them like none other.

 

Weight, Drains and Knowing My Body

Breakfast @ 8am:  1 piece of white toast with 1/2 avocado mashed on.
Lunch @ noon:  most of a artichoke panini from Panera.
Dinner @ 6: ready to eat Salisbury steak with mashed potatoes.

In between I had 5 pieces of Australian blueberry licorice, 1/6 of a single layer round chocolate cake, 4 Keebler chocolate lovers chocolate chip cookies and potentially other things that I forgot. 

When I finished most of the sandwich at lunch I knew I needed to visit Dr July again.  So I made an appointment for a fill on my Realize Band in 8/7/13.  When I was into the doctor last week he told me that I would be safe going back for a fill one month out from surgery.

I haven't been weighing myself because really it's not a fair weight.  In addition to any weight I may have gained, I had swelling in some areas still and I have 2 drains left.  The drains look like this:

Source

The drains themselves have weight to them and they hang by pins on an elastic belt at my waist.  There is about 8 inches of tubing and the ball outside my body.  About 4-8 inches of tubing is inside my body.  There is also the fluid that collects in them over the day.  It's between 30-40 cc currently.  So I know that weighing myself now isn't accurate and I don't want to be frustrated.

That said, I can feel myself slipping onto bad eating habits and being less active because it's easier.  I need both a plan to increase exercise and eat better and to get my band filled so I can use that tool to remind me about eating. 

These are my action plans: 
1.  Set the appointment and stick to it.
2.  Before I eat anything, ask myself if what I'm feeling and if I'm really hungry or just emotional.
3.  Walk twice a day OR do some activity in lieu of walking.  For instance,  washing up along with washing my hair or shaving my parts counts as activity (for now).
4.  Be mindful of getting back to healthy lifestyle.

???: Girls Night and Light Eating

Reminder, only a short time left for the Giveaway!

So tonight is girls night with my Mom, Sister and niece.  Alison will be 11 on Wednesday and this is what she wants for her birthday.  But she has no clue what women do on Girl's Night Out.  Should be interesting.

So I got back into food prep for lunches.  I'm in the office the next 3 weeks with no real ability to leave for lunches.  I stocked up on fresh fruit/veg from Costco and my local grocery.

Monday:  Have you every tried Evol Foods?  I bought some on sale and they're pretty good!  Today I had a chicken burrito, an ounce of feta cheese and 1/2 cup grapes

Tuesday: Lunch meeting in the community somewhere

Wednesday, Thursday and Friday:  Flax pita toasted with a slice of turkey, an ounce of feta.  Sliced cucumbers and tomatoes.

I also bagged up portions of fresh berries, grapes and melon to keep for snacks and plan on having yogurt with flax, chia and raw coconut for breakfast.

The Link Between Weight Loss and Cancer

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I spent half of my life overweight and obese.  I chose a path to get healthier and lose weight so that my future would be longer, more enjoyable and in general better.  Yet here I am, close to what I weighed in high school and I might have cancer.

I've been struggling with how to motivate myself to get back to the gym.  The problem is that I don't sleep well and getting up at 4:30am to head to the gym seems unreasonable.  The truth is that intellectually I know that when I exercise for 45-60 minutes a day, my day is better overall.  I eat less, I drink more water, I'm more energized and I sleep better.  I just need something to push me out of the cycle that I'm in, get me over the week long adjustment period to waking up early and do it.

I started reading about being a previvor, breast cancer, genetic testing, reconstruction...  I did it so that I was more knowledgeable and felt more in control of my life.  But then I started reading some statistics and some studies and I found my motivation.

Among women with early-stage breast cancer, some research has found that obese women have an increased breast cancer mortality risk as high as 33% compared to non-obese women.  Force Newsletter
 

Now I knew that being overweight was a risk factor for cancer.  And it still took me years to do anything about it, but I did.  Ironic that once I did lose weight, I had this mammogram and these cells.  Could it have been in my breast longer and because they were more full and dense, just not seen?  Who knows.  And while I can't change the past, I can change the future. 

Reading The Breast Reconstruction Guidebook by Kathy Steligo I've come across several references about weight and exercise.  Mostly she talks about studies and research that shows that women who are in better health and better shape come through the other side of their surgery with better outcomes.  Having less fat makes surgery easier.  Having better muscle tone leads to easier recovery.  Eating right and drinking water promotes good recovery. 

So what more motivation do I need?  Honestly, I need Pete to help me be accountable the first week.  To help me get out of bed at 4:30 and get to the gym.  To remind me that I need to do this. 

I also need to start posting about what I'm doing.  To be accountable to myself and make it public.  So if you don't see my stats at the top of the post, call me on it!

Have you read about Angelina Jolie ?  Sometimes I think the universe is talking to me and this is one of those times.

 

Weigh in Wednesday

I'm casually dating the scale again.  So I'm participating in Weigh In Wednesday.  Hopefully doing so will keep me somewhat accountable to the scale, but only once a week.

  I've said this before, but I'll say it again.  I found some really inspiring blogs through this link up.  Take some time and read.  Find people who are where you are in your journey and connect by comments, email or whatever.  Just find someone who you can relate to and learn from or with.

I'm 188.  Precious 3 pounds away from losing 100 pounds.  At times I feel as though I'll never get there.  And other times (don't shoot me), I'm not worried about it.  It will come if it's supposed to, right?  Maybe I am worried about it?

My admission:  I haven't been to the gym in about 6 weeks.  First it was a migraine, then the whole neck/shoulder/back thing.  Then it was the biopsy and not wanting to jiggle my chest.  And honestly, now I just don't feel like it.  I can't seem to muster the energy to do so.  I want to.  I have new shoes that I haven't even tried out yet.

Baby steps.  Baby steps. 

I did starting taking all the vitamins and supplements again this week.  I think the Vitamin D and super B complex will help with some energy.  My goal is to be getting up and walking/jogging 3 days a week.  I've noticed that my weight isn't changing, but my thighs are bigger because my jeans are tight.  So I need to do something.  Anything.  3 days a week I can do, right?

I'm worried, ya'll (I know I'm from Minnesota, but ya'll seems to fit so well here).  I'm worried that I will have these mastectomies and reconstruction that will leave me sitting at home with nothing to do but eat bon bons, watching reality TV (are soap operas on anymore?) and by the end of the process 6-12 weeks later I'll have gained 50 pounds and lost 25 pounds of muscle.  I worked hard to get here and don't know how exercising fits into mastectomy surgery.  It's one of the things that keeps me from sleeping at night and makes me burst into tears in the Nutella aisle at Costco.

9 Things to Do In Your Kitchen

I found this article by Jenny Sugar (do you think that's really her name?) about how to make your kitchen work for you when trying to lose weight.

9 Things

1. Make fruits as accessible as a bag of chips.  I'll add veggies to that.  When you get home from the grocery plan on spending an hour to clean fruits and veggies and package them up for grabbing easily out of the fridge.
2. Prepare a big container of salad.  Salad is a good way to fill up on veggies and nutrients.  You can make a big bowl or individual containers of salad and then grab and go for lunch/dinner.  Try adding things like mushrooms, eggs, cheese and lean meats for some protein.
3. Keep your measuring cups and spoons on your counter.  I challenge you to measure your food for just one day.  First put what you think is a portion out and then measure it.  You'll be surprised.
4. Make your own snack packs.  My favorite lately is raw nuts, dried fruit and dark chocolate chips.  I mix up a big bowl of them and measure out 1/4 or 1/2 cup in a snack baggie.  My other favorite is 2 slices of good hard salami, 1 slice of good cheese and 3-4 strips of bell pepper.  It's got protein, carbs and fiber.
5. Stop buying the unhealthy things.  Really, just stop buying them.  We no longer keep chips or crackers or cookies or cake mixes on hand.  I don't miss the chips.  I miss the cookies and cake.  But if I want it, I force myself to make it at home, from scratch.  Usually by the time I mix it all up and bake it, I eat one or two and I'm done.  The process helps me realize that I don't always want it, I'm bored.  And when I make it at home I know what I'm putting into it.
6. Use smaller plates.  Take you dinner plates out of the cabinet and use the salad plates.  Pete and I started this years ago.  We rarely use the dinner plates anymore.  In fact when I go to my sisters house and we use her dishes, I grab a salad plate there too.
7. Freeze fruits and veggies when in season. Wash your berries and lay them out on a cookie sheet in the freezer until they're hard.  Then put them in baggies/containers.  Take them out on hot days and eat them frozen as a treat.  Blend them up for a shake.  Do the same with veggies and add to pastas, soups and other meals.
8. Double the recipe and package up for lunches.  If cooking is a chore, do large batches and use the leftovers in new ways or for lunches. 
9. Put all the food away before you eat.  Dish up your salad plate with your meal and package up the rest before you eat.  I will often times package up the extra and leave only enough for Pete and I to eat from, purposely so we don't over eat.

Your challenge is to use 1 or 2 of these in the next week and then keep adding new ones each week!

(PS.  I'm pretty nervous about my appointment with the surgeon tomorrow.  It's strange walking around calmly with something bad in your body.)