188.8; The Ring

In 2007 I opened a little Christmas present and found a ring.  I came to find out that Pete had been throwing in random questions for about 6 months.  Things like do I like colored jewelry or clear?  Do I like silver or gold?  Do I like squares or circles?  Do I like big jewelry or small?  Now all together, the questions are obvious, but he would throw in one every couple of weeks and mentally log the answer.

After I opened it, I asked Pete what it was and he asked me what I wanted it to be.  I asked him where I should put it on and he told me to put it on the finger I wanted it to go on.  Now I know this sounds, well, dorky and unromantic.  But you have to remember that we had dated twice before and broken up for 9 mos to a year each time.  We knew that we wanted to be together, but we had been a bit damaged by past relationships and were shy about stepping all the way again. 

So there I sat, in the living room, on the floor, with the ring in my fingers and looking at Pete and the ring.  I've never shared this before, so bare with me.  My thoughts were racing and I couldn't believe that I would be getting married.  I was happy and over the moon inside.  I looked at Pete with more love than I ever had looked at anyone else.  I was excited.

But you know what?  I also knew that the ring wouldn't fit me.  It was a 6 1/2 and I had been wearing at least a 7, mostly a 7 1/2.  My heart was flying, but my mind was racing, trying to figure out a way to make it fit and to make the day special as it was intended to be.  I delayed putting it on and likely caused Pete a heart attack.  But I couldn't think of a way to make it all work out. 

In the end, he encouraged me to put it on and smiled at me.  I couldn't deny that face, could I?  I slid that ring on my left ring finger and down to the knuckle.  It slid over the knuckle a bit tight and to the fleshy part of my finger.  I kept pushing, hoping that it would slide to the base of my finger.  To say that I was shocked when it actually fit, is a huge understatement.  It fit.  Fit.  YAY!  I'd later learn that he had tricked me with a story a few months before and had a twist tie on my ringer finger that it used to have the jeweler size it.

In September, Pete and I will have been married 5 years.  The ring is perfect.  It's everything I would have chosen and it's a daily reminder of the day we said our I DO's.  When I leave the house and it's not on, I feel naked.  I feel like I'm saying my marriage isn't important.  I know that not everyone feels that way, but I do. 

See how far up it fits on my finger?  I like my rings a bit loose so that they sit over the meaty part of my finger and not tight around them.  But at this point in my weight loss, my rings are really loose.  To the point that I can't wear them at times.  If my hands are cold they fall right off.  I've tried to get a plastic tube thing that goes over the bands in the back to make them stay on my finger, but it lasted all of 3 days before the plastic edge caught on something and came off.  I've tried using smaller sized rings that I put on after my ring to make sure it won't slide off, but the rings spin so much that the bands come apart and they're all over the place.

So what to do?  The bands are so thin that the jeweler recommends only sizing them once and when I do, I need to solder the bands together.  Am I at that place?  I'm guessing that my finger is about a 5 1/2 right now.  Will I lose more and be stuck with rings that I can't resize again?  It would kill me to not be able to wear my ring(s).  I just don't know and I don't want to be wrong with this weight loss decision.

187.0: After You've Met Your Goal

Then what?

I mean this seriously.  I've noticed that I'm a bit compulsive when I set goals that others can see/know about.  Like my goal to be 220 or less when I had my surgery in March.  I knew that they would weigh me the day of surgery and therefore I really really tried to get there, to the point of working out a couple of hours a day.

I joined the Holiday Challenge at the Y.  Weighed in 11/26/12 and had to weigh in by today to see if I got the shirt.  I haven't been working out, but I managed to lose 5 pounds in 6 weeks (most of it in the last week).  I got the shirt.

But today?  Today I feel like I've indulged and there is no goal or no one watching.

For breakfast I 6 ounces of Greek yogurt, 1/2 cup berries with it.
For lunch I had 1 cup tomato soup with 1/2 english muffin with a piece of low fat cheese on it.
Then I had 3 mini peanutbutter cups.
This afternoon I had about 10 small pieces of licorice.
Then I had a Special K pastry Crisp.
Then I had about 3/4 cup cucumbers/red pepper strips with about 3 ounces of hummus.

My mind thinks it's been eating all day long.  But when I log it in like that it's not bad.  Sure I could have chosen better with the peanut butter cups and the licorice.  But I followed up with fresh veg knowing that the sugar wasn't cutting it.  And it's not that terribly indulgent.  But I feel like it is.

I think I feel like that because I was very determined and limited my intake the last week to meals and very few snacks.  That is to say, my mind plays a trick in that it thinks I was better with eating last week when really it just may be that I was so limiting last week and I can't sustain that, so I start eating more to compensate.

It's a mind game.  Really it is.  I think some of it is about control and some is about meeting goals.  But it's definitely something I need to work on to be truly healthy.  It's ok to have snacks and indulge as long as it's not way out of balance from what I should be eating.  It's ok to try to stick to limited eating, but it needs to be be done in a healthy way.  Those are the things I need to keep working on.

197.0; The Mall

Last night Pete and I headed to where we first met.  Mall of America.

We had dinner, gellato.  We walked around and we made this bear.  The bear is pretty cute.  We were going to biker it up, but they didn't have the leather jackets any more in the store.  So we put him in leiderhosen.  As a tribute to all the German traditions we had at the wedding. 

Very fun night.

But what occurred to me as we were walking around was this:  I can shop in any store there.  I fit into any of the clothing that they have in the various stores.  I'm no longer limited to the few plus sized stores and watching as friends/family try on clothes in other stores.  This was an awesome feeling.

PS.  Pulled a muscle in my back this morning running.  Not sure how.  But I stopped immediately when just walking hurt.  Now, hours later I'm in pain.  It's spasming and doesn't feel very good.  I'm stiff to sit and walking hurts...

2012 Word

I talked a while ago about how people chose words to use as their theme for the year.  Cheesy, yes.  But sometimes I think that we need a little cheese to get us through.

2011 wasn't easy. 

There were family stresses that seem to have settled back out.  Although they're always there, lingering, ready to resurface.  My Grandma seems to be better from her back injury and has regained enough strength to live daily again.  She was fabulous on Christmas.  I spent a realtivly relaxed Christmas with family and it was a good one.  Whether it's the idea that she may not be around all that much longer and we need to enjoy it or that we were all simply getting along, it was a good one and I'll take it.

There was financial stress.  Pete was on unemployment more than he worked.  It's frustrating as hell to see how he struggled to find a job that was a good fit for him and the employer.  He started working for a new company, permanent and full time the week of 12/12/11.  The steady check that is much more than what he was getting on unemployment is certainly welcomed.  We have a good plan to get caught up on our emergecy fund, our travel fund and savings again. 

There was physical stress.  I struggled all year with losing additional weight.  I'd be active 6 days a week at the gym, watching portions and what I ate and still see no results.  Many times I felt like giving up.  And to some degree I did that after I hurt the balls of my feet in August.  But I'm back at it.  Working out 4-5 days a week and doing what I can to help myself out.  I struggled through getting approved for a gastric banding surgery and I'm still in the process.  But I see a window of light and I'm reaching for it with all I have.

There was emotional stress.  All that suff that I just wrote...it causes emotional stress in various ways.  A blue day here and there.  Frustration, anger, irritation....  Pete and I are in for the long haul marriage wise.  We both understand there are ups and downs along the way and quitting just isn't an option.  It's not that we have problems, it's that we are finding our way.  We're understanding that it takes work and just doesn't happen. 

So for 2012, my word is CHOICES.

I see how choices that I made in 2011 determined my path all along.  Even when I didn't make the better choice, I rode it out and figured out how to get back to center with new choices.  Choices are made with lots of thought and with little thought.  I'd like 2012 to be the year that I really consider my choices and be aware of why I made that choice.  I'd like to think that I continue to learn from wrong choices and when the situation presents it's self again, I can chose to make the better choice the next time. 

CHOICES.

Anniversary

Pete and I got married by water. Unconsciously, we started a tradition. Because when we took our anniversary we went to a city by water. So when I planned our first anniversary trip, I planned it by water. That's when we decided that each anniversary would be spent by water.

For our second anniversary, we're going south. Way south. We're headed to North Carolina to visit some of Pete's relatives. After spending a couple of days there with the relatives and checking out the area, we're headed to South Carolina. To the ocean. Water. For our anniversary.

We're going to spend a couple of days in Charleston. I'm pretty excited about this and have been researching places to see and do and EAT!

Then we;re headed to Grorgia to visit more realtives. After spending a couple of days with the realtives and checking out the area, we're headed to Nashville. Pete used to do security for the Grand Ole Opry and I've always wanted to see a show. So, we're in Nashville for a couple of days to see the area and see a show.

Then we're headed home. It's a lot to cram into a week of vacation, but it's how we do it. Always on the go, finding new places and things to do. I can't wait.

My Wedding shirt...

I know you all are going to think I'm nuts, and maybe I am. But I went home last night and tried on my wedding dress.

Now hear me out. Shortly before Pete and I got married my sister had a shower for us. After the shower I changed into a button down shirt so that she could take pictures of us to use on a carbox. (man I was a little do it yourselfer when it came to wedding things..) The shirt was tight when I put it on. It's a simple black buttondown shirt with grey dots on it. But it was tight around my hips - where everything is always tight.

Yesterday I was noticing that my work pants were loose and then it occurred to me that my wedding shirt (as I affectionately call it) was loose. On the way home I wondered if I could fit into my wedding dress. So naturally when I got home and got dinner started, I pulled it out of the downstairs clsoet and put it on.

It zipped. And honestly I fit into it like I did on my wedding day (all of 19 months ago). I swished around in it and Pete asked what the noise was so I showed him. He laughed and then got serious and told me how beautiful I looked in it. (aww!) That is why I love that man.

The point is that I fit into it. I'm a couple of pounds heavier than I was on my wedding day. And the heavier doesn't feel good. But it feels good to be getting down to where I was before so I can go down even further.

{oh and I didn't get up for the gym this morning. I slept so hard that I slept through my alarm and Pete had already left. Tomorrow's another day.}

My Romantic Husband...

Sometimes he just surprises me and my heart melts for him all over again.

We went to Dulanos Pizza last night for first Thursday. I don't know how it started or why, but every first Thursday in the spring, summer and fall, people with all kinds of motorcycles come to see and be seen. We got there early and got a good spot where most of the bikes come in. We went in and ate a pizza and by the time we got back outside it was packed. Awesome seeing that many bikes. Just think, next month I'll be adding to the number by riding mine down there!

It got to be about 8:30 and we headed out. On the way home Pete stopped at our favorite place. The place where we got married. He sat me down on a park bench and got out his phone. I thought he was going to be texting. Only he played this song:

Just you and I,
Sharing our love together.
And I know in time,
We'll build the dreams we treasure.
We'll be all right, just you and I.

Just you and I
Just you and I
Sharing our love together
And I know in time,
And I know in time, W
e'll build the dreams we treasure.

We'll be all right,
Just you and I.

Chorus: And I remember our first embrace,
That smile that was on your face,
The promises that we made.
And now, your love is my reward,
And I love you even more,
Than I ever did before.

Just you and I
Just you and I
We can entrust each other,
With you in my life,
With you in my life,
They'll never be another.

We'll be all right,
Just you and I.

Repeat Chorus

We made it you and I.

*sigh* my heart melted. It's the first song we danced to after we got married. And he looked at me the same way that he did when we first danced to it. I fell in love all over and thanked the universe for bringing this wonderful man and I together.

I am going to marry a wonderful man

Last night Pete decided at 8pm that he had to go to the store. HAD to. Said that he needed to return things and wanted to look for something for the car. So he left and I went upstairs to do laundry and read. And hour later I called him because it had been so long. He said that he was on his way home.

He got home and came upstairs and I asked him what took him so long. He said that he was just wondering around. I kept thinking, "How weird."

This morning, as always, he kissed me goodbye before he left. Then called me to wake me up later on his drive. We talked and hung up and I got ready for work. I came down and got my lunch ready and put dinner in the crockpot and found a vase of roses and a wonderful card. The card described how our life together will be, in his eyes.

I cried. Then I called him and left him a message thanking him for it all.

I hung up and got my work back to pack my lunch and there was another card telling me that he is going to marry his best friend and a candy bar.

I cried again.

I cried because I have found that man who loves me unconditionally. Who cares for me. Who makes me feel like a million bucks every day.

Want to know how I know this? We were in Ikea looking for things for the wedding. One of them was a vase and I made a flip remark about still waiting for flowers from him. Well he did it. 3 days later. And beautifully at that.

My keeper

There are little things that Pete says that make me giggle and remind me just how connected we are. As we were picking things out for the registry at Target I was choosing plasticware. I mean that's what people choose. Be it Tupperware or the store brand or whatever, they choose storage for the kitchen.

So I put on a box of plasticware and some other containers.

Pete pipes up with a "What are you doing?" I explain that we need storageware.

He laughs and says "I'm your keeper I know what will happen to those. You may as well just take them off. You take containers to work and never bring them home. Remember I'm your keeper and I do the dishes and see the amount of plasticware disappear."

It made me giggle. For he is right that I tend to not bring home the containers. But these will be wedding presents so I will bring them home (or at least that is my plan.)

LOL My keeper.

"You ain't got class..."

"...until you've been burned with brass." by Pete.

So I shot the .500 yesterday. It's huge and fast and all you see is red flash. But I hit the target both times at 20 feet out. Then I got a .380 shell down my shirt. I was trying to rapid fire my carry gun to figure out why it jams for me. So I had a little conversation in my head about whether to stop shooting to get the brass out or not. The brass won and I have a .380 sized blister on my chest.

Friday night we went to dinner at the place that is catering the wedding for us. We got a ridiculously low price on a heavy appetizer meal. It's seriously half of what the ordiginal caterer wanted for heavy appetizers. Half. I was pretty excited.

Saturday we went to Alison's 6th birthday. What a cutie. Then off to a wedding outside at someone's house. It was pretty and they are so in love. Interesting to see what other people do for weddings and this was so very different from what ours is planned to be.

Sunday we got up at the crack of dawn. Ok, maybe not the crack, but early for a weekend. We got on the bike and rode to Mankato thinking that we'd hang out with the group and then ride back. Only we never got to the campground because they were on their way home. So we had breakfast with them and rode home. It was windy & not a fun ride. From Friday to Sunday we were on the bike for about 12 hours.

Last night we looked and called around for motorcycle campers. We're going to look at one this week. I'm excited to camp again.

My Guy

Have I told you lately how great my guy is? There are times when I'm on the back of the motorcycle going down the road that I hug him and whisper how much I love him. I wonder at the ability of two people to find love and keep love and be in love. Not just be. He is my world and I can't imagine it without him.

Back to his greatness. He bought me a beautiful engagement ring. I love the thought that he put into it and all the questions and information that he gathered from me without me knowing. I love it. We went this week to see about custom making a ban or bands to go with it for the wedding. It's not that I needed more jewelry. It's that I wanted something to signify that I wasn't just an engaged person I was a married person. Does that make sense?

When we got to the shop I expressed how much I love the ring I had and how the gallery was important to me. The woman there showed how you can have a ring made to slip in the underneath of the center of my ring. Such that it doesn't show on the side of the gallery, but adds diamons and another small band to the shank of the ring.

That was it. Really IT. She wrote it up and sent it off for an eztimate. And I waited. When the store called they called with an estimate for one side of the band only. We had asked about both sides so they called for another estimate. It wasn't double, but a little over half as much as the inital estimate. My heart sank a little. Then I felt guilty. I was being way to demanding and greedy. Greedy.

So I called Pete and told him about the estimate and he asked me what I wanted. I told him that he felt guilt for asking for both sides, but he told me to order it. To make me happy.

Have I told you lately how much I love him. How wonderful he is to me?

I love him.

Weekend Goodness

Wow, what a weekend.

Friday night we picked up the bike from the shop for it's 1000 mile check up. All good to go and Pete got the new handlebars put on. We dropped it off and went to shop for laptops. Pete had to turn in his work one because someone was going overseas and needed it. We bought a 16 inch home theater one that wasn't that expensive and should suit out needs well. We got home and Pete set it up for what he wanted and then went to shine the bike.

Saturday morning we got up at 7 and met a small group to ride to Hutchinson. It took a while and it was a chilly morning. When we got to Hutch we met up with a group called Dry Riders . We went on a range ride which meant that we rode to a gun shop and looked around. Then we went to and outdoor range and spent the day shooting. It was a lot of fun.

The group was pretty darn cool. We got warm welcomes from a lot of the group and they were really nice. They had lunch for everyone and prizes from raffle tickets (Pete won a cool wooden box) and everyone had weapons that they let others shoot. Pete invited Nancy from work who is the one that taught us in the conceal & carry class. She and her husband fit right in. It was such a cool day that we are going to prospect to join the club. And I got to shoot a .470 revolver. Pete helped steady my hands, but it was really powerful and cool!

We left there about 4 and started riding home. It was sunny and 80 something in Hutch. Only the closer we got to home, the cooler it was and the wetter it was. We were almost home and going around a corner when I yelled to Pete - "Is that SNOW?" and then realized that it was lots of small pea sized hail all over. Apparently we just missed the storm, which was a good thing as there is no place to hide on that stretch of drive. Saturday night we went to see some music in Minneapolis.

Sunday I woke up to find Pete washing and shining the bike. We got ready and left to have breakfast at Grantite City Brewery . Then we went to Best Buy where Pete bought me a new camera. It's a little Cannon Elph. It's got much the same features as my big camera, only small enough to fit in my palm & easy to carry. I tired it out on the back of the bike (lol) and it stablizied my pics so well that I am in love. We ran down to Centennial Lakes to see how a couple had it set up for a wedding. Then to his sisters to load up the old Harley. It went to a guy's house to be worked on. If it can get fixed, it's going to be my bike next year. If not, we'll have to look at getting a new one for me. Then we took a ride through Jordan and Belle Plaine. Only to come back to Raceway Park for the races. They were kind of borning and we left after the figure 8's.

Boy am I tired. Tired and red. I need to invest in some good sunblock and get a nap in!

Just getting it done

There is something to be said for just getting it done and over with and not dragging it out. What is the it I'm referring to? Well Pete and his sister have had some hard decisions based on things related to their father's death. He's decided to just get it done. Not to linger about waiting. It's a good thing. I think that he needs some closure to the process and this will help out.

Memorial Day was Monday. We made our way to his parent's gravesite and spent some time there. We rode the bike because Pete wanted to show his Dad what he bought. It may just be wedding emotions, but I cried. I cried that they are not going to be with us at the wedding. Their physical presence will be greatly missed.

Then we stopped at the little building to find another site. I wanted to see Dave P's grave. Dave was a great friend of the family. He was happy go lucky, always laughing, tons of fun and great to be around. Unfortunately hidden under all that was a very sad and depressed man. He struggled for years with his depression and finally took his own life. It was a sad day for everyone. Even worse that it left my Dad with one less friend to do things with. It happended in the midst of 2.5 years in which we attended 7 funerals. I miss Dave and wonder what would have been.

Parents

With the passing of Pete's Dad I'm ever so much aware of the strain on my relationship with my parents. Although I complained greatly about them sometimes, I love them. Sometimes I miss the weekly calls I used to get from my Mom.

My parents, my sister and my grandma came to the funeral. I think it really showed Pete that they care. At least I hope that was the reason behind it. The Saturday before it, we were at my Grandmas house for dinner. My Dad and Pete talked in the garage and my Mom came out while they were talking. My Dad when into the house and Pete stayed out with my Mom. She said to him that cancer really changes a person. That it had changed her and made her do things that she really wasn't very proud of and that she regretted. When Pete told me that I told him that it was probably as close to an apology for the stuff that happened as anything he would ever get. It gave me hope.

I know that my relationship will never be the same. I can forgive the things that she did. It's much harder to forget them.

This past weekend we went shooting with my Dad. He offered money for the wedding. And I feel relieved.

Some days are better than others

Lots has happened in the last couple of weeks. I think that Pete has a healthy take on his Dad's passing. Although he meets with critisism for not grieving the way that people think he should. We have an influx of items from his Dad's house. Things that Pete wants and needs as part of his family and memories. We have some rearranging to do, but it's all coming because it's important. I love the sound of the coo-coo clock in the morning and I'm facinated to 'wind it'.

I can now say that I am legally able to carry a loaded handgun in the state of MN. It's exciting. It's not that I think I would ever need it, but it's something that Pete and I did together. He would carry a lot and probably will. I'm sure that he would have any situation under control & acted upon before I could even pull my weapon out. However, it's nice to know that I can have one if I want to. And my little carry gun finally came in today so I need to go buy that thing! I'm excited.

As for the wedding, we've accomplished a lot. Catering, flowers, DJ... We have another cake tasting this weekend. A wonderful internet friend is working on the invites. I need to get going on the address list and we need to register soon.

Some days I have bride brain. It's all I can think about. Others, I'm blissfully free of thinking about what needs to be done and when to get it done.

Wedding site...check!

So I called today about the wedding site. It's booked! All I have to do is fill out the form and send it back in with the deposit. SCAREY! Not scarey that I'm getting married, scarey that this makes it all real! I have the first of what I'm sure will be many butterflies. And before anyone things otherwise, it's not about getting married. It's that I'm really indecisive and making big decisions gives me butterflies.

So I've called about the site.
I've asked my sister to be my matron of honor.
I've asked my sister to go shopping with me for dresses.
And I've talked with my sister about the colors, the flowers, the food...
Anyone else see a pattern here?

*giggle*

I added an element

See that ticker? The one above here? It's what I've been waiting for. It's the day I'll marry the man that I thankfully found.

Now to get to planning.

*smile*

Dear Pete,

I don't know if I can ever express how much you mean to me. When you're curled around me at night and I feel you breathe next to me I thank God. I thank the stars and the heavens. I thank you. I really don't know what my life would have been without you. You fill me up so full that there isn't room for the negative things that filled me up before.

I realized a few months ago that my laugh had changed. Or rather bloomed. I don't think I was ever really laughing before. Oh, I'd laugh and sometimes laugh so hard I cried. I just don't think it was my true laugh. When I'm with you and I laugh it sounds so very different. So very happy, innocent and joyous. I love it. I love that you can bring that out in me. And I love you so very much.

Love Michelle

I did it

Sunday night I had a dream. Vivid and frustrating. In the dream Pete and I were at my sister's house. I had just reprimanded my niece for something and my Mom disagreed. She wanted me to apologize to my niece. I said no and my sister backed me up. However, my Mom actually grabbed my arm to force me to turn around and apologize.

I pulled my arm from her and told her that she had gone too far. That if she did not agree with me, to keep it to herself. In the exchange of words she made it clear that she could not do that. And we agreed to never talk again.

I was distressed and wanted to talk to my Dad to make sure that he understood what happened. But everytime I went to talk to him, someone pulled me away for some reason. I woke up before I got to talk to him.


All day Monday I thought about what that dream was telling me. How I could lose my relationship with my parents or lose my parents and regret it. So I went over what I wanted to say in my head all day on Tuesday. How I wanted to get my point across about how they hurt me. How I wanted them to be a part of the wedding, but needed to move on it if they couldn't. And I called.

My Mom answered. She sounded awful. It turns out that she has been having problems with her colon again. She hasn't been eating and has had to have another CT scan to see if she has an infection back in there again. It totally deflated my anger. While I think that was a good thing, it also didn't allow me to say my peace with her and be able to move on.

So I called. I did it. But I have no resolution and I wonder where do I go from here?

To Pete, Love Michelle

Dear Pete,

Yesterday you did something amazing for me. I know you don't think that it is amazing, but it is. You went with me to the wedding fair. You didn't just blindly follow me, you looked at booths also. You didn't sit silent in the fashion shows, you gave your opinions and told me why you liked some of the dresses. You talked to the exhibitors and asked questions. You tried the cakes and the cheesecakes and we talked about what we each liked.

You could have just walked along like some of the other men there, not really wanting to be there. You didn't. And I love you for that. I love you more than I could ever describe.

I'm sad.

I don't quite know how else to say it, but I'm sad.

I spent the last 10 years thinking that my chances for a long and loving relationship with a man had passed. That I could be happy as a single person or a person dating, but not finding that one person for me.

I spent the last 10 years worried. Worried that with the health of my parents I wouldn't have them at my wedding. That my mom wouldn't be there to be excited for me, happy for me. That she wouldn't be there to help me plan this special day and share it with me. That my dad wouldn't be there to talk me down the isle and see me happy. That he wouldn't be there to give me to the man I loved.

And yet here I am. I'm happy, engaged and trying to get excited about planning a wedding. My parents are still with us and I was so very excited the night I got this beautiful ring from him. Yet in my head somewhere it occurred to me to wait to tell my parents until I could see them in person. To see their reaction. And my head was right. They were congratulatory, but not excited. And for 2 weeks I couldn't put my finger on it, although I knew there was something.

Earlier this week I went to my parents to ask my mom to go to a wedding event. Instead she questioned me about him. About his past. She reasearched him on the internet. I was shocked. I was floored. I was hurt. Not hurt that they found something and asked about it, they are parents and should be concerned. Incredibly hurt that they searched. That they looked almost hoping to find something to disuade me.

Gosh, never in my wildest dreams did it ever occurr to me that they wouldn't be happy just to see me happy. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine planning a wedding wouldn't be fun.


So here I am at a crossroads.

One half of me wants to run away and get married somewhere and live a wonderful life, the two of us. One half of me says that I can't let them dictate my happiness and I should have the wedding I want and just send them an invite to it all. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want them to approach me and offer up their happiness. And I'd be lying if I said that at times opetion A is more to my liking and others, option B is what I need.