Sunday Mornings

As a kid, weekends were golden. No school, no rushing around and I could do what I want (for the most part).  Saturdays, my Mom deemed cleaning days. We turned up the stereo and everyone worked on a room. After that we were free to ourselves. I'd spent the afternoon and evening reading, watching TV or out with friends.

Sundays mornings were spent eating some form of brunch.  Pancakes, waffles, eggs, toast, bacon, sausages, cinnamon rolls, orange juice, coffee. I've memories of my Mom making perfect omelets even though she doesn't eat eggs.  She'd get out the shiny silver waffle maker and boil down water and maple flavoring for syrup. 

My Dad was less conventional about cooking. He grew up the son of a farmer who never had to think about cooking, because my Grandma did it all. He'd make freshly grated hash brown potatoes with large pieces of onion, scrambled eggs and diced hot dogs. Then we'd squirt copious amounts of ketchup all over it before eating. 

Food is connected to my childhood memories, whether I like it or not. And while my relationship with food is a bit broken, I still treasure those memories. They speak to a childlike innocence, lazy and relaxing days.  They are emotionally comforting in a time where I'm not quite sure where I fit in right now.

Yesterday was a Sunday golden day. A day I made sure to live presently in, all day. I feel as though the dog tried sleeping on my face all night, but let me sleep until 8 am. I woke up to pumpkin coffee with a dab of cream. I concocted a breakfast of potato hash with bacon, onion, jalapenos, cooking on the stove. Finished, I topped it with runny eggs and sharp salty cheddar for me, instant grits and runny eggs for Pete. We are in front of the TV, talking about the weekend. I am relaxed and present.

I read my new cookbook and crocheted a bit after breakfast. Relaxing with a warm sleepy puppy and a blanket my Grandma crocheted for my high school graduation. All the while watching reruns of Law and Order. The sun glowed through the blinds in the living room and made the cold outside seem much warmer. Golden. 

It's Sunday nights where I feel most like an adult. Sundays are when I bake bread and cakes. I roast whole chickens with root veggies. I slow cook turkey sausage chili with cornbread. The making of large meals again reminds me of my childhood. Of sitting round a table in the dark evening with tender roast, buttered carrots and soft potatoes. Of pieces of white bread with butter and the TV running the evening news or a football game.

This Sunday I made Turkey Wild Rice Hotdish with a crusty whole grain honey bread. Between dinner and breakfast, I made some new golden food memories. 

???; Auntie's Day In with Alison

It's no secret, I love my nieces and nephews.  I love that Pete came with a niece and nephew also.  It started out with Alison, my sister's daughter.  I used to borrow her a lot when she was a baby and toddler.  It migrated to me taking Alison and her brother Grant each out for a day with me in the summer to do whatever they wanted.  Auntie's Day Out.  Love it.

This summer?  What, you mean there was a summer?  I totally feel like I missed out on any summer with planning for surgery, having surgery and recovering.  So it's the week before school starts around here and we haven't done Auntie's Day Out.

I talked to Alison, who is now 11, and told her that I still don't do a whole lot and sometimes I nap.  I offered to just have her come to my house for the day and hang out with me.  She was game.  At this point, I'm not sure if she's excited to spend time with me or is only putting up with me so she can spend time with Nico.  Either way, we'll take it.

I planned on going to the craft tore for a project, but that never happened.  Honestly, we stopped at the grocery for lunch items (grilled cheese), dinner items (ham, mac & cheese and corn) and wet home.  I was tired and sore already.

We (and by we, I mean me) made lunch.  Grilled cheese for Alison, grilled cheese & tomato for me) and cleaned up.  We set ourselves up in my bed, where Alison watched a 90 minute movie and I slept.  We got up and baked some cookie dough we bought and then cut veggies to make refrigerator pickles.  By that time it was dinner which we (again, me) cooked and ate.  Then it was time to take Alison home.

I came home at 7:30 and Pete was right behind me.  We chatted and he left to go take shake mix to a client and I headed to bed. 

Auntie's Day In totally wore me out.

195.8: Balancing Back to Normal

Last Wednesday (8/7) was 4 weeks since surgery.  Last Monday (8/5), my supervisor called asking when I thought I'd be back.  I had to take a pause.  My doctor's note indicates 6-8 weeks with an additional 2 weeks of part time before I transition back to full time.

I told him that I honestly didn't know.  There are hours where I think, hey I could do that computer stuff and work.  And there are several days like this previous weekend, when I'm not sleeping and in pain and trying to sleep every few hours.  I have no idea where I'll be in 4 weeks.  I may need some additional time or additional part time to be able to return.

On Friday Pete and I went to my Grandma's house, a place of comfort and caring, so he could help her with a new computer.  In the 4 hours that we were there, I fell asleep twice for about 30 minutes each.  When we got home at 3pm, I fell asleep almost instantly and slept hard for 3 hours.  Clearly, I'm currently in no shape for lengthy trips out of the house.

The fallout of course, is that my need for sleep to recover is really screwing with my insomnia that I normally suffer with.  So I slept on Friday afternoon because my body obviously needed it.  In return I slept 11 hours over the weekend with no naps.  My insomnia flared and I ended up having to take Ambien last night to get a full night's sleep.

So I need to rethink this plan of mine for recovery.  I need to start shooting for balancing my recovery needs with my usual needs and strive for "normal" again.  I'm finding it's not so easy.

Monday; Better Late Than Never

My life in photos:

My meds and vitamins/supplements.  Some of them are regular meds for TMJ issues and pain management.  Some of the are vitamins/supplements that I usually take.  I have pain meds from surgery, a couple of meds to help relax muscles and some to help me sleep.

Gifts and cards from friends.  I have some wonderful friends who have brightened my days.  There's a crocheted infinity scarf from a friend and a shirt and some cards from family members.

My world.  I covered the pleather recliner so it was more comfortable.  I use the fan at night to help buffer sounds and let me sleep.  I have my netbook, my Nook, my phone, magazines and some crochet I started.  I've managed to read a whole book, but up until a couple of days ago, I didn't have enough concentration to stay focused long enough to read.  The crochet helps work my chest muscles little by little.  The rest is just to keep me occupied.  TV is starting to feel like it's draining my brain cells and I need something to exercise my brain.

There it is, my life, currently.

191.2; I Can't Do It Myself

Remember when you were a toddler?  Yeah, me neither.

But if you've been around toddlers who are figuring out things, you know their classic response "I can do it all by myself."  They have this sense of superiority of the world that we somehow lose as we age.  It's not that they can do it all on their own.  They have this ultimate belief in themselves and their ability to tackle any new task because they're learning at such a fast rate.

What they don't know and we adults do know, is that we're not invincible.  We don't know everything there is to know.  And we can't do it all, all the time, by ourselves.  While I know that this is true, I still have a hard time with it.  I was single for so much of my life that I did everything myself or it really didn't get done.  My parents both worked and I hated asking my Dad for help because he was tired at the end of the day.  I hated asking my Mom because her Lymphodema prevented her from helping and she would feel bad.  I didn't like asking my sister because she has her own family.

My Motto:  I Can Do It All By Myself.

What I've come to realize is that I can't.  Or shouldn't have to.  Over the years with Pete by my side, I've learned that it's ok to ask him for help.  That I can share with him what's going on in my head.  And truly that part of a marriage is the give and take of sharing.  He feels proud and helpful when I ask him for help.  He loves doing things for me to show me that he can and that he loves me.  He likes hearing what's going on in my head, because he wants to understand and help shoulder my worries.

But this surgery?  This is going to be unlike anything.  Not only will I need help with the stuff I'd normally ask for help with, but I think I'm going to need help with almost everything.  And I already feel guilty.  It's a lot to ask someone to work 30 hours a week and take care of you the rest of those hours in a week.  It's a lot to ask my Mom or my sister to come to my house and stay with me while Pete is gone.  It's a lot to ask my Dad to help walk up/dopwn stairs when I can't do it myself. 

So I've been trying to think of little things that I can do in advance to show them how much I care.  I don't have much time and my money is sucked up by all the things getting ready for this.  So, I think I'm going to get some cards, write in them and then get some little $5 gift cards for gas, coffee, Nook books or whatever I can find.  Because I know, I can't do it all myself.

193; What Really Happens on Girls Night

So my weight?  It's staying where it is.  I've been eating better the last week and just being active when I can.  I need to let something go to success in other things.

Girls Night.  In the car, I asked Alison how she heard about girls night.  She said that she learned it from her Mom.  So I asked what happens on Girls Night?  She said that usually you go play Bunco at someones house, have a beer and gossip while eating.  Pretty funny.  She's a nonstop talker so when she's in the car with me, she talks about anything and everything.  This time she confessed that Grandpa let her ride in the front seat from her house to their house and that Grandma was mad about it.  Then Grandpa scolded her for telling Grandma because it was a secret.  He should know by now that Alison's slips are like a colander - eventually most things slip out.

So we had dinner at PF Changs and Alison got her birthday dessert:

Then we went shopping.  To good stuff, right?  Charming Charlie too most of Alison's money on a bag to bring back and forth to her summer activities, along with nail polish and some cute other things.  She was eyeing a little purse for her phone that I may go back and get her for her present.  

Then we went into the Dollar Store or was it the Dollar Tree?  Anyway, I hadn't been in one of those in years.  Did you know that you can get a marijuana test for $1?  Alison was in her glory there, buying some word finds and some sunflower seeds. 

Then we window shopped at  DSW where Alison tried on 4 inch heels and some fuzzy slippers. 

She deemed it a successful Girls Night and wants to do it again soon.  I deemed it a success too.  Spending time with her and my Mom and Sister was fun and I'm glad that Alison encourages it.

???: Girls Night and Light Eating

Reminder, only a short time left for the Giveaway!

So tonight is girls night with my Mom, Sister and niece.  Alison will be 11 on Wednesday and this is what she wants for her birthday.  But she has no clue what women do on Girl's Night Out.  Should be interesting.

So I got back into food prep for lunches.  I'm in the office the next 3 weeks with no real ability to leave for lunches.  I stocked up on fresh fruit/veg from Costco and my local grocery.

Monday:  Have you every tried Evol Foods?  I bought some on sale and they're pretty good!  Today I had a chicken burrito, an ounce of feta cheese and 1/2 cup grapes

Tuesday: Lunch meeting in the community somewhere

Wednesday, Thursday and Friday:  Flax pita toasted with a slice of turkey, an ounce of feta.  Sliced cucumbers and tomatoes.

I also bagged up portions of fresh berries, grapes and melon to keep for snacks and plan on having yogurt with flax, chia and raw coconut for breakfast.

??; Friday Fives

Reminder:  get your entries done for my giveaway:  Giveaway Post

1.  I'm working from home today.  Yay!  All I needed to do to be able to get to telework is possibly have cancer (joke).

2.  Pete's best friend is here from Texas.  I love seeing him and I love that he's there for Pete to listen and support him.

3.  Pete make me breakfast at my desk this morning.  Awesome deal, don't you think?

4.  Monday I'm having a Girls Night Out with my niece.  She turns 11 next week and she wanted a girls day with me, my sister and my mom.  She doesn't know what happens on a girls day/night, but she wants one.  Cute, huh?

Last day of elementary school.

5.  I have about 3 weeks to surgery and my list of "To Dos" is getting longer and longer.  But I'll get it all done.

Sometimes The Universe Talks To Me

On Friday I was reading the Internet and came across an article about Kara DioGuardi.  She was the judge on American Idol a few years ago.  She was on two seasons and then abruptly quit.  People Magazine has an article about her and she's been on the Today Show talking about her journey with BRCA and her choices.

And it's times like this when I think that the universe, God, the sun/moon are talking to me.  Not directly, not in voices that I can hear.  Never that.  But in a way that silently says I need to do something.  In a gentle but impactful way that points to what needs to be done.  In an "all signs point to" kind of way.  Or maybe I see in the world what I want to see in order to feel like I've made/am making the best/right decision?

This comment from DioGuardi: 

I have absolutely no regrets because now I feel empowered in my body. I feel like I took back some of the fear, took back control of my life and hopefully enabled my child not to have to go through watching his mother in a chair hooked up to chemotherapy. I think that when it comes to your health, you have to look at it like, “Not only does this affect me, it affects everyone around me — my kid, my husband, my friends.” And if there’s a way to possibility reduce it, it’s kind of a no-brainer.
 

jumped out at me.  It's how I currently feel.  As though this is my choice and therefore under my power to steer myself and my body to my future.  And while there is a finality to not having natural breasts, it doesn't change the me on the inside.

Sometime last week after I talked to the surgeon, my Mom and I had a a conversation.  I think I understand her better and appreciate her more because of it.  She said some things that struck a cord in my brain.  One of them was that she was told by a doctor friend of hers to have a mastectomy when she was about my age to avoid cancer.  At the time she thought that it was too radical and didn't do it.  But she regrets that now.  She said that she wasn't worried about my sister and I while were in our 20s and 30s.  But as we each reached 40, she came to dread that one or both of us would be diagnosed with cancer. 

My Mom encouraged me to write down questions for the genetic counselor.  She encouraged me to write down questions to take when talking with a plastic surgeon.  So far I have an internal list; one not yet written down.  But one of the questions that looms over me, that makes me think long and hard.  Am I going far enough to prevent the cancers associated with BRCA and the 15 gene panel?  Do I need to go farther?  I feel like the universe, God and the sun/moon are telling me to make sure I do what I need to do.

189; Don't Give Up

I found this on Pinterest.  I know that it's a shift in thinking, but really think about this.  It's simple, yes.  But it's powerful.  It's not to say that you aren't going to have off days, weeks and even months.  But stop telling yourself that you're giving up/you've given up.  Start realizing that those off days are simply part of your journey and are recoverable.  You aren't giving up, you're continuing on your journey.

As summer was fading in 2007 Pete and I joined a gym.  Can I tell you how excited I was to join?  Silly, really.  I had never been part of a gym and it seemed so glamorous and yet intimidating.  The one that we joined was was a 24 hour, come when you want, but not always someone there gym.  It was in a local strip mall and had about 5 treadmills, a few elliptical and some weights.  No classes or showers or frills. 

Pete and I started going as soon as we got home.  We'd work out for an hour or so, him on the treadmill and me on the elliptical.  Then we'd go next door and do it up Jered-style and have Subway for dinner.  Lots of veggies, no sauce and only half the bread.  We continued this way well into the holiday season.  I remember being so pleased with myself that I actually went to the gym Thanksgiving morning and worked out before heading to the family celebration. 

By this time, Pete had lost about 70 pounds.  He was looking awesome.  Just awesome.  I had lost about 30 pounds and I was feeling great.  We were really active going places on the weekend and hiking around and seeing places around the state.  The feeling was powerful. 

But somehow I lost that powerful feeling in February, 2008.  It was a hard time for me.  Pete and I were engaged and my parents weren't as excited as I thought they'd be.  I was depressed about life in general and quickly turned to what I know best:  sitting in bed, watching TV and indulging in crap food.  I lost the feeling and couldn't seem to figure out how to get back there.

Pete was encouraging, asking me if I wanted to go with him to the gym.  But I just couldn't seem to put it together to get there.  It was all I could do to make it to work and home again.  Then the unthinkable.  Pete's Dad started getting really ill from his COPD.  The doctors started telling the family that it was nearing the end.  And suddenly, Pete was in just as deep a depression as I and the gym was the last thing that either of us wanted.  The membership slipped away and we did nothing.  Nothing except exist.

(Thanks for coming back to hear my story!)

190.4; Friday Fives

1.  Thank goodness for Fridays.  Honestly.  I don't know how I'd get through the week without them.  Well actually it's Saturday that I look forward to.  Friday is the just the lead in.  And even though Sunday is the weekend, it signals going back to work, so that doesn't count.  Yep.  Saturdays are it.

2.  My 10 year old niece sent me this text: 

Is she really just 10?  Because who references going on a cruise and needing to play with a dog prior to that?  Earlier she told me she was "confussed" which is really confused.  But Pete said this only confirmed that she was my relative, given all my misspelled words in my texts to him. 

3.  I'm a winner in my work's Passport to Health program for 2012.  I completed 11 of 13 items and was in a random drawing.  My prize?  2 tickets to a movie.  Hello Popcorn with butter and salt!  (listen, I know it's not the right thing, but it tastes so freaking good!  and I only get a kid's sized.)

4.  As you can see from up there, I'm borrowing my 10 yr old niece and 7 yr old nephew this weekend.  We're either going toThe Rollerdome to go rollerblading or to Mall of America Ice Castle.  By Sunday I should be well worn out and have little to no patience left.  Just in time to take the kiddos back.  HA!

5.  Sunday starts the Mpls St. Paul Restaurant Week.  YUM!  Pete and I split the $30 meal because neither of us can eat a whole one any more.  So how can you beat a $30 +great tip meal from restaurants that usually mean $100-$200?  We have reservations at Murrays, Copper River Fish & Chop House and The Capital Grille.  When we go to Murrays we're taking my 88 year old grandma with us.  Pete calls it a date.  And I love him for that. 

187.4: I Need to Practice Eating Out

This past weekend was Pete's Birthday.  And honestly I thought it was his 45th, when really it was his 46th.  Crap he's old...I mean, I love my husband.

We had a low key Saturday which was his birthday.  He wasn't feeling the best and my ear was still plugged and I walked sideways from lack of balance.

Sunday I went to the gym (shhh, I have a streak going, but let's ignore it, so I don't stop...).  I came home, had breakfast, jumped in the shower and we were off.  We picked up my 10 year old niece, who is a hoot.  She talks...C.O.N.S.T.A.N.T.L.Y. about stuff and makes Pete and I laugh out loud.  We went to the Mall of America, which appears to be the only mall that Pete can shop at (he doesn't like the other ones...or shopping in general).  We did our errands, shopped, window shopped mostly and had some gelato. 

For dinner, we met my family at Texas Roadhouse.  MMMMM, honey buns.  This time I was determined to eat clean-er, eat less and be aware of how I was eating and my body.  So we sat at the table and waited for the rest of the family to arrive.  Everyone was eating the rolls and I took mine.  I took small bites and talked while I ate so I wasn't eating fast.  But by the time that the majority of the roll was eaten, I realized that it wasn't going to go down.

Shit.  Not again.  Not again at a restaurant with my Mom watching me with her eagle eye.  So I sat.  Then I tried sipping some of my niece's diet coke to help dissolve it.  But it must be the combination of the carbonation and the sugar, because it didn't help that much.

So I picked at my food and tried to move it around so that no one would notice that I wasn't eating.  As everyone else was finishing and I was realizing that we'd need a to go box...it suddenly slipped down.  Instant relief.  It wasn't super painful like the last couple of times, it was just uncomfortable.  So I ate a bit of my plain sweet potato and a few mushrooms.  I boxed up my 3 ounces of meat and the rest of the potato and mushrooms for my lunch the next day.

What I realized is that I need to practice eating out.  This is a process and I need to be allowing myself time to learn it.  I need to be aware of what I'm eating and how I'm eating it.  Talking while eating is good because it slows you down.  BUT talking while eating can be bed because you don't realize what your eating and how.  I also need to make good choices.  Chewy bread that can mush up and get stuck, isn't a good choice. 

I'll get this.  I know I will.

193.0; Traditions

I'm the family baker.  It's a tradition (expected) that I bring desserts to every gathering.  Mostly because I love baking and cooking, but also because no one else in my family likes to bake.

As a kid, I remember sitting at my parent's kitchen table and frosting cookies at Christmas time.  It was a rule that if you wanted to eat them, you had to help make them.  As I got older, my Mom, sister and I would get together one Saturday and make cookies all day.  We'd split them up and enjoy them all season.  Somehow we stopped doing that and it was just me making cookies.

The first year I did this, I make up dough on Friday and spent literally all day Saturday and Sunday baking and decorating.  Then I gave them away to my family.  In the last few years I've spent a dedicated day baking and some evenings here and there with other recipes.

This year?  I haven't done it yet. 

Part of my reasoning is that I didn't want them sitting, all baked and ready to go calling out to me and Pete to eat them.  Part of it is that I haven't had time.  The other day I was having a conversation with my coworker, the one who had the full bypass surgery.  He challenged me to just change my traditions.  To not make all those cookies that I normally make.

So I've been thinking about this.  Do I really need to make the cookies?  No.  But I feel guilty that my eating habits are no impacting others.  Strange this guilt.  I call it Catholic Guilt, but really it's Michelle Guilt. 

So for this year, I am going to go through with the cookies and desserts and all the stuff that I've made throughout the years.  But next year, I'm going to challenge myself and my family to think differently about desserts.  Maybe all those cookies aren't it.  Maybe it's just me making a cake or cupcakes or a yule log?  Changing traditions.

190.8; The Pain of Food Sticking

When I decided that I wanted a gastric band there were plenty of people who told me not to do it.  I heard their concerns and thought about them all.  But after discussing it with my doctor and thinking about everything, I felt it was the best decision for me.  For me.  That's the important part.  It may not be for everyone and in fact, it really isn't for everyone.

And it's no magic bullet or I'd be about 150 pounds by now.  Instead I work hard 4-6 times a week, at 5am at the YMCA and watch what I eat.  I get comments all the time from the same people, who watch me eat.  Comments about aren't I eating too much?  Aren't I eating the wrong things?  I'm polite and I smile.  Inside I'm pissed off.  I'm not commenting on how they eat.  But somehow because I've lost weight (whether they know about the band or not) my eating is open for vocal criticizing. 

Yesterday my family went out to celebrate my Mom's birthday.  She wanted TGIFridays so that's where we went.  We didn't meet until 6pm and by the time we ordered and food for 8 came out it was close to 7pm.  Pete and I shared a 10 ounce steak (that was more like 7-8 ounces without the fat), 6 tiny grilled shrimp, mashed potatoes and a tomato salad.  When the food came I gave Pete all the potatoes and took the tomato salad.

I started with the steak and I was hungry.  It tasted good, but wasn't the most tender.  I had about 2 ounces of the steak and started on the shrimp.  At that point, I felt something stick.  It turns out that I should have listened to my body.  But I didn't.  I dismissed it and at the 3 shrimp, chewing very carefully.  By the end of the 3rd shrimp I knew that I was in trouble.

So I excused myself to go to the bathroom.  Sometimes walking helps and I didn't really want to go through a sticking incident in front of my family.  I spent painful 10 minutes in that bathroom.  The steak was really really stuck.  It hurt like hell.  About halfway through it I wanted to go home, but was afraid to leave the bathroom.  Finally I texted Pete to grab my things so we could go.  By the time the check came and he paid, it had gone down.  We went home and my band area is still sore today.

So why did I post about these 2 things in one post?  Because I opened myself up to more criticism.  My family now knows that I get food stuck sometimes and it doesn't go down.  They know that it's painful and causes me to leave a celebration early.  I'm pissed at myself.  I'm mad that I don't listen to my body when this happens.  I'm mad that I had to explain to my Mom later that the band may not be too tight, that it's likely my fault for not listening.  I'm mad because I don't think she understands it, she just wants me to loosen the band.  I'm mad that I did this to myself.  But It reinforces to me that I need to listen to my body.  Not dismiss the signs and go forward.  And if I can't listen to my body then I really do need to have the band loosened.  Dammit.

197.2: Friday Fives

1.  I've had it up to -HERE- with work lately.  Without saying too much, there is a decision that has been dragging on for 2 months.  And while anxiety over newness is good and natural, 2 months of anxiety is horrible. 

2.  I plan on cleaning my house this weekend.  I need some aggression out and some clean-ness to take over my life right now (see #1).

3.  I rented RedBox for the first time in oh about a year.  Pete and I used to lay in bed and watch Blue-Rays on our big TV with great sound a lot.  But we have not done this in a long time.  Popcorn and everything.

4.  My sister turns 40 on Sunday. 

Happy Birthday Kim!  (I feel even older now that she is in her 40's also!)

5.  I'm looking for a source for 5x7 or about that size, spiral bound notebooks with colored pages.  Any sources for me?  I've looked everywhere locally, Target/Walmart stores, BN/Book stores, Office Depot/Max stores....  I use spiral bound notebooks for work to keep me organized and I'd love a colored one to brighten my day.

p.s.  Still trying to remind myself to live in Grace.

197.2: Grace

GRACE: (from the Free Dictionary)
grace (grs)

n.

1. Seemingly effortless beauty or charm of movement, form, or proportion.

2. A characteristic or quality pleasing for its charm or refinement.

3. A sense of fitness or propriety.

4.

          a. A disposition to be generous or helpful; goodwill.

          b. Mercy; clemency.

5. A favor rendered by one who need not do so; indulgence.

6. A temporary immunity or exemption; a reprieve.

7. Graces Greek & Roman Mythology Three sister goddesses, known in Greek mythology as Aglaia, Euphrosyne, and Thalia, who dispense charm and beauty.

8.

          a. Divine love and protection bestowed freely on people.

          b. The state of being protected or sanctified by the favor of God.

          c. An excellence or power granted by God.

9. A short prayer of blessing or thanksgiving said before or after a meal.

10. Grace Used with His, Her, or Your as a title and form of address for a duke, duchess, or archbishop.

11. Music An appoggiatura, trill, or other musical ornament in the music of 16th and 17th century England.

_______________________________________________________

 

I am trying to live in Grace.  For a long time I didn't understand when people said that they were trying to live gracefully.  But I get it.  I'm trying to live in Grace for myself.  Generous not only to others, but to myself.  Living effortless in that I don't sweat the small stuff.  Indulging others because it makes me happy to see them happy.  Giving others immunity from judgement and myself also.  Loving others along with myself (no matter how hard I struggle to do so sometimes).  Protecting others from harm, if I'm able and making sure that I'm protecting myself at the same time. 

 

For such a small word, there is a lot going on.  And I'm trying to live every day in Grace and remember those attributes.  Sometimes I struggle.  Sometimes I fail.  But I start the next day attempting the same idea.  Grace.

 

_____________________________________________________

 

If you have a short minute, please say a prayer for my Grandma Phyllis.  She's in her upper 80's (A lady doesn't tell her age! *wink*).  Today she is having shoulder surgery to make her more comfortable and give her some range of motion back. 

 

Grandma Phyllis with her newest Great Grandson Mateo.

She's a feisty lady who I admire for many reasons.  She's determined that none of her Grandkids come see her at the hospital because it's a drive into the city.  She's demanding of my Mom and Aunt for after surgery and her stay at a nursing home for rehab.  But she's got character and I love her more than I really admit.  So if you could say a prayer that surgery is successful and that she is well watched over in the next few weeks, I'd appreciate it.

196.4; It's Winter & I'm Cold

Really the title says it all.  I've developed Pete's syndrome of being cold ALL.THE.TIME.  Friday I didn't want to get out of bed, but I did.  I spent the day off running errand after errand.  When I got home I jumped back in bed and turned that heated blanket on high.  I had a hard time again getting out of bed to get ready for date night.  Then I again followed Pete and took a HOT shower for about 15 minutes, with the door closed, to get warm.  Today, I have a sweater on and my office heater.  Plus hot coffee and anything else I can think of.

Want to know the worst part of all this?  I'm cold all day and evening.  Multiple heated blankets and everything to get warn.  When I lay down to try and actually sleep, I am HOT AS HELL.  Damn perimenopause.  I sleep most of the night with very little covers while Pete is holed up under 12 layers like an Eskimo.  I knew that I'd get cold when I lost weight.  But I thought that my hot flashes would counteract this and I'd be ok in the middle.  No such luck.

I c-hosted a baby shower this weekend.  Got some wonderful baby snuggles in and I am satisfied until I can snuggle again at Thanksgiving.  I saw family that I really haven't seen since May.  I do have to mention that I was rocking my new-to-me Silver jeans ($25 at Clothes Mentor than-you-very-much), a new black belt, a White long sleeve shirt (medium - YES!) and I black vest (medium again - YES!) with a cute scarf and tall black heels.  I felt AWESOME and for the first time I think EVER in fashion and at a size that I feel ok about.  I got comments about how great I looked from lots of family.  It felt good.

But.  And you knew there was a but in there somewhere, right?  At one point my aunt took me aside and told me how good I look.  When I told her that I was down 90+ pounds from my heaviest she congratulated me.  Then I told her that I'm about 20 pounds from my goal.  She told me not to lose anymore weight.  I inwardly sighed and immediately heard my voice in my head telling Pete something similar.  I now understand his frustration with everyone telling him not to lose anymore weight, somewhat. 

My goal has always get to 175 and see where I look.  Maybe I'll get there and think that I look great and try to maintain.  Maybe I'll think that it's too much and gain some back.  And maybe, just maybe, I'll decide that I want to lose more.  Who knows.  But I haven't wavered from that goal this whole time.  And yet, to others I look "ok" right now.  I understand now that my goal is what it is.  And no matter what people say at this point, I'm going to keep working towards the goal.  When I get to that goal I'm going to 1.  Assess my body shape.  2. Talk with my primary care doctor and my bariatric doctor about how I look and my BMI, fat percentage and muscle percentage.  3.  I'm going to listen to those around me and see what they have to say about how I look.  Then I 'll decide where to go from there.

194.2; My First "Real" 5K...Kind Of

14 years ago my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.  (Have you had a mammogram this year?  If not SCHEDULE ONE NOW!)  Our family became involved in raising money for both Susan Komen and American Cancer Society.  We did the Race For the Cure a few times and the Relay For Life.  Both involve activity, mainly walking.  I believe that the first year we did this, between the walk from the car and the 1 Mile walk I was worn out.  The mile walk took us over 35 minutes.  The Relay For Life involves someone from your team walking all night long on a track.  We'd switch off and walk a mile at a time.  I was so sore from walking about 5-8 miles in a night. 

I never ever imagined that I could call myself a runner, let alone someone who regularly exercised.  I had given up.  I had decided that I would always be overweight and there was nothing I could do about it.  I had totally given up.  This awakening of getting healthy and losing weight really is a life saving event.  I can't imagine how my future has been altered by the good changes that I've made, but I hope they're good ones.

My sister Kim, my 10 year old niece Alison and I.

2 weekends ago I 'ran" a 5K with my sister and my niece.  I say ran in quotes because really my sister and I walked fast.  My back was sore and she wasn't in condition to run. My niece finished in 40 minutes with running and walking parts of it.  Afterwards we took this photo and I didn't think much of it.

When I looked at the photo last week I realized how much I had changed.  People often confuse my sister and I for each other.  We are 2.5 years apart, but look very similar, especially when I have my hair curly.  But I can see from this photo how much I've really changed.  My neck is smaller.  That's the first thing I noticed.  The second thing that I noticed is that I ALWAYS stand sideways in photos!  It's habit from being overweight and trying to make myself appear smaller.  I want to start standing full on that camera and owning my new body.

The third thing?  Never would I have imagined myself getting up on a Saturday to run/walk with my family.  Never would I have imagined that it would be fun to walk and catch up with my sister.  Never would I have imagined I'd be hearing my niece ask me to find a race in the spring that she could do with Pete and I and run the whole thing.  These are things that I never would have thought would enter my life even 4 years ago.

It's photos like this that make me realize how far I've come.

197.8; I'm still alive

I'm here.  Alive and well.  I took a 2 week hiatus for a much needed vacation.  I need to remind myself that checking out of life to relax and recharge is very important.  I feel must better prepared to deal with whatever is going on in life when I do this regularly.

Firstly.  The tooth is must better.  Holy crap you guys, I never knew how bad that freaking tooth really was until it didn't hurt anymore.  Now I just have to get a crown or a fill and all is good.

Secondly and more importantly.  I AM IN ONEDERLAND!!!!!!  I believe the non eating thing from the tooth got me over the hump from the 200's to the 100'.  However, as Pete pointed out, that is not a good diet plan.  I made ONEDERLAND on 8/23/12 and sung my happiness all over my Facebook account.  And interestingly enough, even after a week of vacation and eating lots of good food and only running tiwce & walking the rest of the days...I stayed in the 100's.  I was a shocked as anyone to come back to my real life last weekend and see that the scale was still under 200. 

My reward for staying under 200 for a week is coming up.  I'm going to get a small red heart tattoo'd on the inside of my ring finger, just where my ring naturally sits.  Then I want to get some swirls tattoo'd in what they call a "white".  Something that appears on my skin like this one.  I want it there so I know it. but only revealed to people should I want to reveal it. 

If you'd like to see my vacation or anything that tickles my photo fancy, check out my Instagram @ Instagram - Shevy.  I took lots of photos and that's really how I documented my vacation.  I'm obsessed with following people on Instagram.  Really.  I spend hours looking at the wonderful things that people can do with their phones on that app.

Today I go in for a possible fill of my band.  I'm not sure what will happen, given my weight loss.  I've found that I can't eat a hamburger with a bun.  Something about the textures of the meat and the bun being too different makes them get stuck at the band.  And banana bread gets stuck for me too.  I think because it's so moist. 

202.0; Going on Vacation

In a few weeks my whole family is going on vacation together.  We're renting cabins in a resort.  I'm pretty excited about it.  This is the first vacation I've had in about 2 years.  The rest of my time off work has been a day here or there.  I can't wait to take my Nook to the beach and relax.  In fact, I've been saving books and magazines on it.

Naturally we started talking about what to eat while we're there.  We're going to share dinners, be on our own for lunches and somehow breakfast is shared again.

Even before we started talking about food I had decided to get a bunch of fruit and veggies and make a couple of trays that we could snack from during the week.  I wanted to have fresh food available so I'm not miss crabby pants from eating crap.  Pete and I agreed that this was a great plan.

When my family started talking about breakfasts, it's a lot of egg bake, french toast bake, danish ring kind of things.  And honestly my first thought was "All I want is my oatmeal or yogurt and some fruit."  But I didn't say anything because I can get that kind of stuff on my own.  And who would have thought a few years ago that I would turn down sugary French toast for oatmeal and fruit?

Lunches are easy.  I'm going to use the fruit and veggies to make sure I'm getting some good stuff in.  Then maybe add some tuna salad and some lunch meat for simple sandwiches.  I will admit that I'm making banana bread, some smores bars and likely some other kind of bar cookie to bring up for everyone.

Dinners are things like ham and potatoes, steak and potatoes, chicken/ribs and potatoes, burgers and chips.  Meat and carbs.  When I look at it, I want to add green salads, veggies and fruit to round out the meals.  I think I can make those pretty healthy.

I think this is just another example of how I used to eat and how I eat now.  I love the change and hope that it doesn't cause conflict.