So where am I at?

After all that has gone on, where am I at?

Honestly...and I am going to be honest here...

I weighed myself today and I'm 226.  My lowest ever was 188 and I was hanging around 192-195 for the first 6 months of 2013.  I have 1 pair of work pants that I can get on, but they're so tight that I'm uncomfortable by the end of the day.  I have 2 pair of jeans that fit me.  I have 5 or 6 shirts that fit for wearing out.  But mostly I wear yoga pants and old YMCA t-shirts. 

I developed planter fascitis in my left foot.  So running...nope.  Walking...nope.  Some days, by the end of the day I can barely walk on it.  I'm trying to use the store bought inserts and being aware of my foot ware and doing the exercises I found on the net.  The gym has been non existent.

Eating.  Sigh.  I am full out sugar addicted again.  FULL OUT.  Pete has done so well with his weight loss and is hovering at 162-167 with a really fast metabolism.  He makes cookies about twice a week and keeps them on the counter.  I try not to indulge and honestly he would stop if I asked, but I don't want my stuff to impact him.  I try to have a green salad with lots of veggies and some protein in the form of hard boiled egg, cheese or tuna on it for lunch every day.  So that's on target.  But I'm not hungry for breakfast since I'm not at the gym and I struggle with what to eat.  Dinner I'm pretty good also.  It's the snacking.  Licorice, cookies, cake, PB cups...snacking.

I still have days where I question the choices I made.  There is a huge movement that says that doctors are 'pushing' mastectomies for people like me, when they're not really needed.  The instance of cancer deaths is down, but there is testing that shows that the type of pre-cancer that I had, doesn't often turn into full blown breast cancer.  The difference for me, is that I had the family history and the 60% chance of it actually going to cancer.  Sometimes it's hard to look past the what ifs and just be at peace with my decision.  The choices that I made had such an impact on so many aspects of my life and impacted Pete too.  And I need to stress that he is supportive of whatever choice I wanted to make, but that's not to say that there were some negatives that came with it.

I'm so freaking frustrated with myself!  My body image is bad again.  I don't want to shop for clothes, that's why I haven't bought very much bigger things.  Shopping isn't fun.  In fact, I've walked in several stores, only to walk back out again because I don't have the mental fortitude to dig in and start trying on clothes.  Not only have I gained weight, but my shape has changed again.  I realize how small my hips had gotten when I lost weight.  They're back to being big and it makes finding clothes really really hard (crying while writing this and thinking about it).

I've come to realize that what worked for me before in losing weight, isn't going to work now.  And I'm pissed off that I have to figure out a new plan.  Pissed.  But sitting here and bitching about the whole thing isn't going to change it, is it?  I need to figure out that plan.  Soon.

We Are Women Who Try

So um, over the long weekend, this happened:

One half marathon registration?  Check.
Scared shitless?  Check.
Did it to show Pete that I could really hit the submit button?  Check.
Signed up on the 29th so I could get a free shirt from this year? Check.
Forgot about it 1 hour after I signed up? Check.

Then, this happened:

I attended the expo for this year's race.  Then I sent the following text to Pete:  "Holy Shit, I signed up to run 13.1 miles in less than 3.5 hours."  He replied that I needed to breathe and believe.

And you know what?  He's right.  I can do this.  I can accomplish this goal if I put my mind to it.  I'm worried that I'll be bumped off the course by the hay wagon with the "not good enough" people.  Shhh...don't tell anyone...but even if that happens, it's ok.  You know why?

I TRIED.

Because not trying?  That gets me nowhere in life and it took me a long time to realize it.  It took me a lot of lost opportunities to realize that I could have gone a different direction, accomplished something or met someone.  Not trying isn't an option anymore.

Women Rock Minnesota is a pretty new race.  This was only the second year it was held here.  I think it attracted me partly because it's only females running.  Not that women are inferior to men, but it's less scary (to me) to be running against other women.  I think it's the same thing as a female only gym.  It's not a perfect body completion while you're working out.

This is the race I've been wanting to run.  This is the race I've been dreaming of.  This is the one that I want to finish.  I can do it, right?

PS.  I've never run in a race, just on my own.  I currently can't even sit up without help from my arms because the mastectomy reconstruction took blood supply from my bottom ab muscles.  But I can do this.  I can.

199.0; I Don't Believe In Myself

When I was big/fat/overweight, I used to look longingly at those who ran.  I'd wonder why they did it, because it's surely not fun.  But there was this mystique about running and what happens when you run.  I'd wonder if I could do it, this running.  And soon it became something I was wanting to do.

As I got thinner, I pushed myself on that treadmill.  2 miles, 3 miles and soon I was running 7 and not even thinking about it.  Then I ran the 5K outside with Pete timing me and realized that I can run.

For the last two years I've told people I'm going to run the Women Who Rock 10K. 

Last year I printed out the training schedule and started doing it.  I got into week 2 and sort of stopped.  then my family decided to go on vacation the week prior to this.  I'd be returning the day of the race.  So I stopped training and made excuses.  I made excuses to everyone, including my gastric band doctor.

Earlier this year I talked to some women who had run it and some who had run other races.  They all told me that the way I was running already meant that I could run it.  They encouraged me to do it.  So again at the beginning of the year I started planning and looking at training schedules.  Then I had the abnormal biopsy, surgery and running is out of the question for the immediate future.

Whew.  Whew?  Really?

I watch Extreme Weight Loss, Biggest Loser and other weight loss shows and see how everyone runs not just 5K/10K or even half marathons, but full marathons.  And it's now occurred to me that I don't yet believe in myself.  I don't think that I can run that.  Even though I've run more than 10K on the treadmill many times. 

I don't believe in myself.  It's a slap inn the face.  It's a barrier to moving on in weight loss.  It's a hurdle that I need to overcome to keep going.  I think this surgery was somehow meant for me to start over with gaining strength and learning to do cardio again.  Learning to set goals, meet goals and push myself within reason.  I want to use this surgery to reenergize the working out and being healthy and losing more weight.

So I've upped my walking.  And starting today I'll be wearing the Polar HRM and walking outside for 30 minutes each day.  I'll increase the time by 15 minutes every other week. 

Boston

I had a whole other post planned for today, but somehow it seems meaningless.

Sometimes the world is a cruel place.  I'm fortunate enough to be insulated from most of the cruelty.  The stuff I deal with on a daily basis as a probation/parole agent, I've come to be somewhat immune to.  Not that I don't feel emotions when I read police reports/complaints and court reports, because I do.  But things like the Boston Marathon Bombings hit hard.

I'm not ashamed to say that I experienced depression and some issues after 9/11.  I wasn't in New York, Pennsylvania or Washington DC.  But I had a Grandmother out of the county who couldn't get back in and the innocence lost was devastating.  I had a hard time afterwards with sleeping and developed insomnia and some anxiety.  But I learned to address it and deal with it in my own way.

So when things like the Sandy Hook School Shooting and Boston Marathon Bombing occur, I'm shaken.  Again I'm not there, but it brings back some of the same feelings as 9/11 almost in a PTSD fashion.  Again I deal with it the best that I can, mostly by verbally processing with my husband and writing about it.  Getting the feelings out and having them validated.

In my mind I imagine the spectators and runners innocently participating and being injured or killed.  I imagine the fear and pain and horror that they may have felt.  I imagine the first responders who thought they'd be dealing with exhaustion, heart attacks and other running injuries suddenly having to deal with life or death shrapnel injuries.  It's not what anyone in Boston expected.

My mind imagines all the people who ran other races, trained for years and finally got into the Boston Marathon.  How they either finished and the finish is marred by the bombing or how they didn't finish because just prior to the line the bomb went off or how they were miles behind and didn't see the bombs but again never got to finish.  How these people were training and running to be healthy and in shape and euphoric in completing and none of that happened for them.

I'm sad today.  But I'm also proud of the US.  9/11 crippled us.  We were caught off guard and having never experienced anything, had no idea what the next steps were.  But as horrible as it was. and as horrible as the things that have occurred since, they have taught us lessons.  I heard one reporter say yesterday that it was important for this not to cripple us, that we needed t be resilient.  I think we've done that so far.  There will be long reaching effects of the bombs, but we are aware enough and resilient enough to keep going.

Signed,
Praying for Boston

190.2: Soooooo Close....

I'm back down to 190.2.  Sooooo close to that 189, yet soooooo far.  Keep at it, right?

The night before last I couldn't fall asleep.  One of those nights.  I think the last time I looked at my phone it was a little after 1am.  My alarm goes off at 4:30am.  Yeeeeaaaaah.  4 hours.  So when I got home yesterday I was drained.  I made dinner and then Pete and I headed to bed.  Seriously.  I laid in bed listening to American Idol and Pete actually fell asleep right away.  At 9pm I let the dog out and it was lights out for me. 

(sidebar)
I love the 9pm news.  I don't have to wait until 10pm to get my news fix before bed.  But if I keep going the way I am, the 6:30pm news will likely be my 'late news' and I'll be in bed, asleep, by 7pm.  (end sidebar)

So this morning I woke up at 4:30 am on the dot....with no alarm.

Then I played the game "Should I go to the gym or not?" Apparently after the inner mind duel, the gym side won.  I got up and headed out.  I did 4.75 miles in 60 minutes; some jogging, some walking up hill, some running and some intervals.  But crap, there are some treadmill dos and don'ts when you're at the gym. 

1. If there are 15 open treadmills, don't pick one right next to someone else.  Leave a 1 treadmill buffer between you.
2. If you're running and the person next to you is running AND you both have ear buds in, don't try to talk to them about what's on their TV.  Just do your own thing, and I'll do mine.
3. For Pete's sake...if you ate a dozen hard boiled eggs for dinner and have egg farts, buffer yourself by at least 4 treadmills.  AGAIN, don't go right next to the one that is already taken.

I'm sure there are more rules, but this is what I have from this morning.  I can't ever look at an egg in the same way after breathing that in while I'm huffing and puffing from running intervals.  Ever. 

191.0; Exercise Baby!

I'm linking up:

If you haven't been over to Erin or Alex's blogs check them out.  And do something else.  Check out the linked up bloggers.  There are usually some really good ones.  I've spent more than my share of time reading these last few weeks.

My weight remains unchanged.  Boo Hoo.  I've done some longer (for me) runs in the last few days - 4.5 and 5 miles.  My legs felt tired afterwards, but good tired.  You know that kind of tired that makes you remember how hard you worked out each time you step?  Yep, that's the tired I'm talking about.

I need some new running gear.  Anyone else wear a HRM strap and have issues with your bra getting between the sensors and your skin?  Or is it just me?  I've tried more structured bras and cheep stretchy bras and they both seem to do it after a while.  I need to find a solution for that.  I also need more running tops.  I like to run in yoga tops.  Don't ask me why.  Ok, fine, ask.  It's because the structure of the fabric holds me and my excess tummy skin in and more of the air form the fans get to my skin.  But damn if it's not hard to find fitted yoga tops that aren't $70.  I think I'm checking out the outlet store this weekend.

It's also time for new shoes.  I have about 6 months on these and my toes are starting to numb up again after runs.  I'd love one of these:

But will likely end up with this again due to my wonky feet and stride:

Sigh.  I believe my feet are aching to have some girly, bright, fun colors to make them go faster.  However, they're also calling for much support and help with planting my foot...(sigh).

208.8; Still Alive and Kicking

I have to be honest here.  The last week and a half has worn me out.  We had a house guest and the kids and thing to do/places to go.  By Sunday night I couldn't stay awake past 8pm.  And when I tried to work out on Monday morning, it just wasn't working.  Running/walking was frustrating and my knee hurt.  I ended up going out of the Body Pump class in the middle because someone was faint.  I was plain old worn out and my body was trying to tell me that, but I was fighting to keep doing what I do.

Bottom line is that it didn't work.

I think there is a fine line between pushing yourself and listening to when you need a break.  I'm frustrated that I haven't lost inches or pounds in the last couple of weeks.  But Pushing my body past tiredness is one thing and pushing past exhaustion is another.  I suppose that I'll end up going over that line again several times before I realize what's happening with my body.

This morning's workout was a struggle.  I ran, but slow.  I walked, but my feet hurt.  I did it though.  For an hour.  And this afternoon I feel better for it.

211.8; Shoe FAIL

Friday I headed over to Run and Fun in St. Paul.  I've hit up most of the running stores in the metro area.  The Running Room and even Marathon Sports don't seem to carry wide enough shoes for me.  They've both been very helpful in the past, especially Marathon Sports.  They've listened, watched and suggested styles.  Neither of them ever pressured me to buy shoes, knowing that they didn't have what I really needed.  That says a lot.

Run and Fun seems to carry more styles in wide and extra wide that suit my feet.  Add in the fact that I'm a pronator and you have the makings of $130 every 6 months.  So when I went in this time I explained that I have issues with the balls of my feet and that I pronate.  The salesman suggested a shoe with less stability.  I was surprised, but heard him out and in the end came home with these: 

Yay, $50 less than my other style!

Saturday morning I got up and headed to the gym, planning on a 6 mile run.  I was stretched out, feeling loose and good and started running.  About 2 miles in my knee started feeling sore.  I tried walking for a few minutes, but it didn'[t get better, only worse.  So I stopped the treadmill and headed to the elliptical/stairstepper machine.  Only after a few minutes my knee got worse still.  So I headed home.  The shoes weren't for me. 

Only it gets worse.  Sunday I struggled to get in 4 miles in an hour in my old shoes.  My knee hurt.  In the joint.  After researching, it appears that I have runners knee.  A common thing for runners.  While I smile a giddy smile to be considered a runner, I hate to admit it with this one.  The solution to this one?  Sitting out of running to let the knee cap heal and settle back in.  Dammit!

So the new shoes were a big fail!  But I'm not giving up the running.  I will rest it and get back to it next week. 

I go to the doctor for my first band fill today you guys.  I'll definitely have a report tomorrow about what happens.