So where am I at?

After all that has gone on, where am I at?

Honestly...and I am going to be honest here...

I weighed myself today and I'm 226.  My lowest ever was 188 and I was hanging around 192-195 for the first 6 months of 2013.  I have 1 pair of work pants that I can get on, but they're so tight that I'm uncomfortable by the end of the day.  I have 2 pair of jeans that fit me.  I have 5 or 6 shirts that fit for wearing out.  But mostly I wear yoga pants and old YMCA t-shirts. 

I developed planter fascitis in my left foot.  So running...nope.  Walking...nope.  Some days, by the end of the day I can barely walk on it.  I'm trying to use the store bought inserts and being aware of my foot ware and doing the exercises I found on the net.  The gym has been non existent.

Eating.  Sigh.  I am full out sugar addicted again.  FULL OUT.  Pete has done so well with his weight loss and is hovering at 162-167 with a really fast metabolism.  He makes cookies about twice a week and keeps them on the counter.  I try not to indulge and honestly he would stop if I asked, but I don't want my stuff to impact him.  I try to have a green salad with lots of veggies and some protein in the form of hard boiled egg, cheese or tuna on it for lunch every day.  So that's on target.  But I'm not hungry for breakfast since I'm not at the gym and I struggle with what to eat.  Dinner I'm pretty good also.  It's the snacking.  Licorice, cookies, cake, PB cups...snacking.

I still have days where I question the choices I made.  There is a huge movement that says that doctors are 'pushing' mastectomies for people like me, when they're not really needed.  The instance of cancer deaths is down, but there is testing that shows that the type of pre-cancer that I had, doesn't often turn into full blown breast cancer.  The difference for me, is that I had the family history and the 60% chance of it actually going to cancer.  Sometimes it's hard to look past the what ifs and just be at peace with my decision.  The choices that I made had such an impact on so many aspects of my life and impacted Pete too.  And I need to stress that he is supportive of whatever choice I wanted to make, but that's not to say that there were some negatives that came with it.

I'm so freaking frustrated with myself!  My body image is bad again.  I don't want to shop for clothes, that's why I haven't bought very much bigger things.  Shopping isn't fun.  In fact, I've walked in several stores, only to walk back out again because I don't have the mental fortitude to dig in and start trying on clothes.  Not only have I gained weight, but my shape has changed again.  I realize how small my hips had gotten when I lost weight.  They're back to being big and it makes finding clothes really really hard (crying while writing this and thinking about it).

I've come to realize that what worked for me before in losing weight, isn't going to work now.  And I'm pissed off that I have to figure out a new plan.  Pissed.  But sitting here and bitching about the whole thing isn't going to change it, is it?  I need to figure out that plan.  Soon.