207; Admitting Defeat

If I'm nothing else here, I'm honest about what's going on in my life.  I want to know a year from now that I got through this and how I did it.  So I'm saring the darker side of me, recording it all here.  I'm hopeful that I can come back to this and see how far I've come.

My plastic surgeon thinks that my left nipple will heal ok.  He thinks that the healing that I see as problematic is normal and I just need to ride it out.  If something does happen, he can create a new one.  And with that I am at once relieved and angry.  I'm angry that I lost part of it and that it's just ok.  I'm relieved that I'm not losing more of it.  This is not how I imagined recovery.

He also shot up the scar on my chest with cortisone.  He says that he uses a tiny needle so it doesn't hurt.  But damn, did that little needle hurt and the solution hurt going in.  It feels like there is constant pressure on my sternum normally and with that it was very irritated. 

I still have to keep all my scars covered with tape, a silicone pad or this Scar Guard product that I brush on.  I make raised, red, unappealing scars.  Just another notch in the bedpost of things that didn't go as planned with surgery. 

Yesterday when I got home from the doctor's appointment I was mentally exhausted.  I had a headache, my chest hurt and all I wanted to do was sleep.  My insomnia has been rearing it's ugly head and I'm averaging about 3-4 hours a night.  Even though my "office" is in the bedroom across the hall from mine, it was to far away yesterday.  The thought of pushing the button to turn on the computer was more that I could physically do.  The idea that I'd have to use my brain for something other than sleep and taking migraine meds was impossible.  So I didn't.

When Pete got home, I had been laying in bed, sleeping off and on and taking migraine meds.  He asked me how I was doing and paused.  He finally asked if I thought that I was depressed.  He says that I'm holding back with him and not telling him what's going through my head.  It makes him feel like an outsider in my world.  This is not my intention and I got angry.  I believe that potentially, if I say all these things out loud they are true.  And having them be true is scary.  Very scary.

So I made an appointment with my doctor today about my insomnia, my migraines and to talk about the possibility that I am depressed.  I admit defeat in this emotional battle of being a Previvor and having surgery.  Defeat.

CPAP = FAIL!

Took my trusty CPAP home last night after getting distilled water for the humidifier portion.  I moved things around on my bedside table and set it up. I was a bit disappointed because I felt as though I was in a hospital with the tubing and machine and something over my face. 

Pete and I got caught up on Sons of Anarchy while cuddling in bed.  Then it was time.  I had to put the mask on and try to sleep.  The machine operates at a lower force of air for 20 minutes to give you a chance to fall asleep.  My thought was to read my Nook a little to relax and then go to sleep.  Only I can't put my glasses on over the mask.  I then thought about reading the Nook with large print without my glasses, but the mask separates your eyes so they can't focus right in front of your head.

So I just laid down and tried to sleep. 

It was the worst night of sleep in a long time.  Although my eyes were closed and I was "sleeping", I don't think I ever got into REM.  At some point I woke up and took the mask off.  When I think about it, my mouth was dry when I did that and I think I may have been mouth breathing.  It not only negates the CPAP, but it works against it.  After I took the mask off I remember nothing until Nico woke me up for breakfast at 6.  My 5am alarm must have went off, but I have no memory of shutting it off.

I got up and fed him his kibble and made myself some toast.  Pete came home from the gym and I told him I needed to lay down.  The next thing I knew it was 9am and I was late for work.  I have a killer headache, I'm tired as hell.  I feel crappy.  Worst of all I dread bedtime.  I know it's going to take some time to get used to, but this is hard.  Really hard.

235 - I'm No Superwoman

My month of tracking workouts and weight went ok.  238 on the first of March and 235 today.  But I can feel stronger, better muscles. 

What I realized is that I'm no Superwoman.

I can go and go and go but at some point I need to stop and listen to my body and my mind.  By yesterday both of them were screaming at me to listen.  I think they've been talking to me all week, but I wasn't listening.

I'm reminded of this non-Superwoman complex a couple of times a year.  You'd think that by now I'd be able to hear myself, but somewhere along the way I lose touch with the inner me.  It starts of small, I add one or two things to my schedule.  Then work or home life gets complicated.  Then I challenge myself to workout 6 days a week.  And I balance it all.  But there comes a day where the cherry on top of my life-sundae slides off the ice cream and the whole sundae topples over.

This week I struggled with a migraine all week.  It wasn't always full blown, but it was always there, threatening to strangle the right side of my head in pain.  I wasn't sleeping well because of the migraine and stress I suppose.  And at this point it becomes a cyclical thing.  The migraine was likely a stress thing.  I can't sleep well because of it.  I can't work out because the migraine becomes worse.  The stress is still there because I can't exercise it away.  Therefore the migraine stays.

By yesterday afternoon I had pretty much had it.  I told Pete I had to go to the gym.  He told me that I needed to listen to my body.  And as lame as I felt, I realized that he was right.  I was ignoring what my mind and body were telling me.  And the more I ignored, the more it screamed. 

So I listened.  I relaxed without feeling guilty about it.  I slept in (if 6:30 can be called sleeping in) and skipped the gym.  It's not the end of the world.  It's not a bad thing.  It's something that I need to accept in my journey.  And the bottom line is that this doesn't stop my journey.  I have the opportunity all day, every day, to make choices that lead me to where I want to be.  A pit stop along the way is not a derailment of the path, it's mearly a stop to regroup.

I did nothing

Honestly the thought of running, jogging or lifting weights this weekend made me want to puke.  The pressure in my head from the sinus infection was horrible.  I felt like my brain had shrunk 2 sizes and was bouncing around in there every move that I made.

Pete was laid off.  Again.  Poor guy.  At least he still has unemployment that he can access.  And he is already sending in applications for jobs.  Our goal was to get to the gym this weekend and add him backt o my Y account so that he could go work out during the day when it was less busy.  That is what kept him fm liking the Y before - he would go during the busy times and there would be no where to workout.  Only my bouncing head kept us from getting there.

Today is a new day though.  And this week is a new week.  Keep trying, right?

HI/Low

Did you ever play that game as a kid? What was your one/two/three high points of the day and the same for the low points. I learned about it as an adult. I suppose that in a round about way we did this at the dinner table each night with my parents, it just wasn't structured the same.

At any rate, here I go:

Weekend Low Points: 1. Migraine. The imitrex only made me feel worse. So much worse that at this point, I'd rather suffer with the migraine. 2. My sebaceous cyst (warning, pictures on the link) is back. It's located on my breastbone. I had it taken out 2 years ago and the result was one raised, red, hard scar about 1 inch in length. I massaged the heck out of that scar, but the surgeon just did a really bad job on it and nothing I did made it go away. I wanted to have a plastic surgeon look at it and I guess now I'll get my chance. It's about the size of a marble currently. And not only is it pressing on my breastbone, but it's pressing out against the skin, pulling the scar flat and hurting the skin. It's making it impossible to lift weights will my arms and walking/running/elliptical is difficult because it hurts to breath fast.

Weekend High Points: 1. I fit into my pants, tops, motorcycle jackets and chaps that I bought when Pete bought his bike 2 years ago. It's a relief to be able to wear those things. It's a boost to keep doing what I'm doing. And frankly, I just feel better about myself. 2. Pete decided on Friday that we should take all 4 nieces/nephews to the MOA and Nick Universe on Saturday. So we did. They were wonderful! And we all had fun. My niece Alison is such a little daredevil - just like her mom at that age. She went on all the big rollercoasters with Pete and LOVED them all!

Grant on the left, Matthew walking a little ahead of him, Pete and Allie. Alison must be running ahead of Pete.

Alison, Grant and Allie on the Thomas the Train ride. Grant is OBSESSED with Thomas and wanted to go up front and say hi to him. The ride girl had to shepard him back to the cars to get on.

I know it's not the best picture, but look at the smiles! You can tell they all had find on this ride, no matter their ages. Matthew, Allie, Alison & Grant.

And finally, because I actually like the picture that Alison took of me...Me.

And I hacked and I hacked until I blew the house down...

ok, not really. But it feels like it. How about coughed and coughed and coughed until I put a new cough drop in?

I swear that laying on one side in bed causes this weird sensation of my whole head draining to one side. Add to that, when upright, my head has that pressure headache thing going on. And then throw in that I can't walk a flight of stairs at work or drink a cup of water from my water bottle without getting winded. My every intention is to go to the gym tomorrow.

Ask me my intention tomorrow when the alarm goes off at 5 am.

I figure that I can still get a really good stretch (my back is killing me from laying around), some weights lifted and maybe a 20 minute slow walk on the treadmill. I feel like I need to do something, anything to keep my momentum before I lose it.

Crying

Why is it so hard for women to realize that they cannot do it all, all the time?

I cried last night. I finally told Pete that I felt overwhelmed with all the things that we had going on. That I am racing to get done whatever it is I am doing so that I can get to the next thing, only to race to get that done and move on too. Work things, family things, fun things, me things. All of them involve me hurrying to get them done. It overwhelms me and I can only do it for so long before I break. Last night was it. I just cried. Maybe I needed the cry too, but I needed to let Pete know how I was feeling. I need to be better at letting him know that sooner.

So the new plan is to take it easy this weekend. Tonight we are doing NOTHING. Tomorrow Pete is going with the club on a day ride and I am doing NOTHING. Sunday I need to run some errands for the trip, but more NOTHING after that. I need to re-charge mentally, physically and emotionally.

What a weekend.

I know that it's Thursday and we're headed into a new weekend, but last weekend was killer.

I spent the weekend in tooth pain. That nagging throbbing hurt all the time. And to make matters worse, I tried to hold my mouth a certain way and it made my TMJ flare badly. Monday I had myself worked into a huge anxiety attack for myroot canal. I would have so liked Pete there, but he needed to be with his Dad and it's not like he can go back into the room with me. So off I went, in full anxiety. The proceedure was done in a little over an hour. Only it was a whole hour that I was holding my mouth open. I'm still having headaches today from it and I guess it will be like that for a while. Next I need to get in for a crown. I dread another appointment.

Pete's Dad had a staph infection. He was placed in a room by himself and they treated him for it. He's now in a different room with roommates so I guess the infection is clear. He still has pneumonia. Until that is clear and he is on less than 10 for oxygen, he can't go home. The doctors told Pete's sister that their Dad won't survive another incident like this. His body is failing. If he ends up in the hospital again, most likely they will have to intubate and he would likely never come off that. Pete doesn't really know what to do or think. Last night he couldn't sleep and spent a lot of time thinking.

Then Sunday night I steam burned all the fingers on my left hand. Let me tell you, I would much rather have a normal blister burn from touching something than this steam burn. I did it at 6pm and it hurt worse than when I did it when I fell asleep about midnight. I was putting ice on it, which is a no-no apparently. The only way I could stand the pain is by putting a litocaine creme from the store on them thickly and then putting a slow fan on them to cool the area down. Today the pinky finger is good. The index finger is a little sore and a tiny bit red. The middle & ring fingers are bright red fromt he tip to the 2nd knucle. They are numb on the surface and starting to bubble a bit.

But that is the recap of the bad weekend. I'm looking forward to a slower, more normal weekend.

Good thoughts please

So yesterday wasn't a very good day.

I've had a tooth that the dentist has been watching for quite some time. It's had a crack in it that wasn't getting bigger and seemed stable. In my mouth, that's a good thing and we leave well enough alone when we can. In the last 6 months or so I'd chew on it wrong and it would hurt for a few hours, but nothing that lasted. At some point I stopped chewing on that side. Over the weekend, I accidentially chewed on it and something happened. The pain came and never really went away. I lived with it until Wednesday morning when I called the dentist. Unfortunately they were closed for the day for trainings. Yesterday I had an early appointment, but it kept getting moved back for other emergencies.

When I got to the office, all apprehensive, I met with a different dentist than mine. He said that the tooth is cracked enought to let in bateria that has now reached my root. Meaning I need a root canal. He suggested that if it happened in the future (the cracking) to have my dentist put a crown on it. Anyway, I am freaking out about the root canal. I'm not sure they can get in there to do it. Honestly. I don't think they will. And if they actually do, then my mouth is going to be very very painful for a long time. I am dreading this.

No sooner did I get home from the dentist when Pete said that his Dad was back in the hospital. Turns out he has pneumonia. He may have had it for quite some time, just undiagnosed. I am so sad for Pete. He seemed unsure of what to do last night, which is so unlike him. The doctor also said that his lungs are at the point of barely sustaining him. If his o2 levels don't stay up, he won't be able to go back home as he'll need constant high levels of o2. Keep them both in your prayers.

The Wedding

I feel like that word should have the music behind it that plays when a character in a movie is killed and everyone is trying to figure out who the killer is. Wedding...dum DA dum!

I've come to the conclusion that my parents are not going to be happy participants of this process. And while it hurts, I'm not going to lie, I need to move on. I probably think about this wedding at least once a day. When the thought enters my mind, I rush it away with other thoughts so that it's a fleeting second and not hours of my day.

Last night I finally said to Pete, "So what do you want to do about getting married?" And he responded with what he always does - it's up to me. I think if he had his way we'd go off somewhere to marry alone. And while the thought is entertaining, it's not what I've dreamed of. And if I'm only doing this once, I'd like to come close to the dream.

So I think the plan is that we're having a 6:45pmish ceremony at the ampitheater at Centennial Lakes and then a reception in the Centrum Building . I've checked out some catering sites and think that we can do an appetizer buffet for a small amount, get a cake and have the beverage service that it there for a reasonable amount.

I want it to be simple and classic.

I've been thinking about color schemes and my creative mind is in a bundle here. Both Pete and I love the color blue. But I don't know that it is what I want in a wedding. My sister had blue and we were just at a wedding this time last year with blues. I'm thinking raspberry pink, fushia, orange and reds. Kind of like a sunset scheme since we're marring at dusk. I've got some sites and items saved that I want to show Pete and see what he says.

Then I guess I need to formally ask my sister to be my matron of honor and see if she'll go shopping with me for a dress. Instead of me picking out a dress for her, I'm going to let her pic out the dress she wants that somewhat coordinates with my dress in a color from the scheme.

And now my creative brain wonders just how to get the supplies needed to make invites! This makes me smile. Something creative to do. I thinkI'm craving that again. Craving the creative things to take my mind off everything else.

It's a whole new office...kind of

My office at work is on the top floor of the building. It's a weird "T" shape in that I have dormer windows in the middle of the office (outside wall of course) and right across from that is the door. On the sides I have little cubbie holes that hold a small table. One side has a bookshelf in it, the other a table with my little fridge/coffee maker/microwave.

I have my desk in the large area by the windows. Only the sun is horrid. I mean I love sunlight, don't get me wrong. It's the glare from the light on my computer screen or the glare from the snow bouncing in on my computer screen. It got so bad that I cleared out the bookcase cubbie hole and moved my desk & computer table in there. Ever glare screen, window share and other office supply didn't make a dent in the glare. And I was tired of coming home with a headache from squinting. Now that I think about it, I could have worn my sunglasses! LOL

This past weekend Pete and I came up to the office and made some changes. He put on antiglare window tinting. It's a static cling sheet that is really made for cars, but works well here. Then we moved my desk & computer back by the windows.

Then we did the fun stuff - set up the fishtank he gave me for Valentines Day. Today I have 6 tetras in it. 5 of them are orange and black. There is one lonely silver one that the guy at the store got in there. After his third try at getting the ones I wanted I told him to forget trying a 4th time and just leave it in there. But it's not schooling with the orange ones so I hope it's ok.

With these changes I feel like I have a whole new office!

Headache Hangover

Ever had one? I had a killed headache yesterday. Actually it started Tuesday night and came on like a Mack Truck headed down I94. Made me sick to my stomache and I spent time on my knees trying to hang my head down to releave some of the pressure. Ah the joys of TMJ and sinus problems.

Today I have what almost feels like a hangover. I'm a little disoriented, sleepy, kind of out of it and really want to sleep. If only I had more FTO banked up I'd do that. It's also making me perpetually behind at work, which sucks.

I think we're going to go down to New Ulm this weekend. Stock up on German food from the import store and stay in the local hotel. It will be nice to have some time with just Pete and I on a weekend. I'm looking forward to the pool, the spa and time away from our normal life.