*sigh* here's the deal...

Long time no...write.  Right?

Here's the deal.  I'm sort of disillusioned with my life at the moment.  And I struggle and fight to figure out how to get back to me.  I try new things, I try old things and nothing seems to work.  I know where I want to be and what I want my life to look like and it's just not happening right now.

I heard someone recently say that not every journey has a end.  It made me pause.  It make me think.  For all the talking that I've done about lifestyle changes to create a healthier me, I think I expected my journey to end.  Not that it wouldn't be a change, but that the struggle of how to lose weight would end. 

Between October 2010 and April of 2013 I lost weight.  And this is not to say that the journey during that time wasn't a struggle, because it was.  It definately was.  There were ups and downs and detours.  But for the most part, I had a plan, I had goals and I had a strategy. 

In April I had my abnormal biopsy and things shifted.  I wasn't as goal oriented in losing weight.  I was goal oriented in finding out a plan to deal with what could be breast cancer.  The shift was needed.  It's not a positive shift, but a needed shift.  I went into survival mode.  Survival mode meant that I ended up at the gym less, ate about the same, but indluged in a few comfort foods that I had given up.  Between April and July I gained 5 pounds.  But (you knew there was a but, right?) I was okay with this.  My close still fit, I had a great/growing muscle tone and I wasn't making large shifts in what I was doing to be healthy.

My plan was to have surgery and return to the previous plan of healthy living.  And the absolute truth is that the plan did not work.  There were detours, setbacks, mental health issues and other things that derailed my plan.  So I took even more time off to deal with the physical and psychological issues.  Again, my plan was to start back with the healthy living plan once I addressed those things. 

My final truth?  The plan that worked for me before isn't working.  The healthy eating habits and gym habits aren't working.  Either because I can't find my way back to them, or I need to figure out modifications to them that work for me HERE AND NOW.  I need to find a new plan.  Here's the thing that is so depressing about this.  I can go back to what was working for me.  But I can't go back to what was working for me in April 2013.  I need to go back further to about March/April 2012.  I need to go back when I was about 30 pounds heavier (yep - ouch).  I need to resume some restristive eating to allow my gastric band to work better.  I need to give myself the GRACE to make better CHOICES and go back to what was working for me 2 years ago in an attempt to start the weight loss process again.  For that's truly what this is.  A restart after a year off.

There.  I said it all. 

My 2014 Word?

For the last few years I've been choosing a word in December to live the following year by.  A word that represents some change I want to make or what I need to focus on or a reminder.  Interestingly I think that my choices are very representative of what actually happens within the year.  Maybe it's just self fulfilling, maybe it's luck, but whatever it is, it works.

Last year my word was grace:

I want to live gracefully. In beauty and kindness. With poise and centered in myself. I want to chose nice over mean. I want to give myself grace and forgiveness and be ok with who I am at any given moment. I want to be graceful in motion and thought. 

I have to admit, when I had the abnormal biopsy I abandoned my word and I felt that it abandoned me.  How could I live gracefully when this bad thing was happening to me?  How could I be ok, let alone poised with this decision?  How could I be ok with myself when I was about to remove body parts in a preemptive move?

In reality, I think that grace supported me.  Grace was there to let me recover both mentally and physically.  Grace was there for me to allow myself to ask for help when I needed it.  Grace was there to be ok with where I was at, at that given moment.  Without thinking about it, I was living a graceful life and it was giving back to me in return.  Without grace, I honestly don't know where I would be now or what my mental status would be.

So this is my little thank you to whomever started the trend of One Little Word.  My thank you to the prompt of seeking something to work on year by year.  My thank you for the support throughout this year. 

My 2014 word?  I don't know.  Something is pushing me to go back to the word choices.  To focus on the fact that I can't change all the choices I had to make this year.  To focus on the things that I can change and do something about them.  But I'm still giving it thought because I have about 3 weeks left to decide!

Counseling; Day One

So today is day 3 on an antidepressant and day 1 of counseling.

The antidepressant is going to take some getting used to and some time to build up in my body.  The first day I took it in the morning at the suggestion of the pharmacist.  It made me sleepy and it really made me nauseated for about 4 hours.  No good.  So I started taking it at night.  It's working better.  But last night I woke up in the middle of the night extremely thirsty.  I drank water but it made my stomach worse and I was awake for a bit.

All morning I kept telling myself I was dumb for scheduling counseling; I really didn't need counseling.  Then I wondered if the emotional crying and stuff was simply my normal menstrual cycle?  After all the signs that I used to have are gone/changed since surgery and I have a harder time knowing my body signals. 

Pete pointed out to me that I tend to want things to fit in categories, be specific.  Not everything can be categorized.  Maybe some of my anxiety and issues with this is that I can't categorize it all.  He's s smart man and I realized that maybe he's right.  I may not fit in a category, but it doesn't mean I'm not part of of the larger group.

Today's counseling session was spent learning my story, my family history and my life.  At the end she asked me to think of goals that I'd like to work towards so that I know when I'm making progress.  She also commented that I'm pretty hard on myself and I should think about interrupting the negative self talk and allowing myself grace.  When she said that I about fell to the floor.  It was like she knew that I was trying to live in grace for 2013.  It was some confirmation that maybe things do happen for a reason and choosing that word was no accident for 2013.

So I'm going to keep a note on my phone and start recording some of the goals I want to achieve and where I want to see myself.  Some of the things I'd like to learn and how I can be a better version of me.

199.8; Pity! Party of One.

Yesterday I was supposed to go to a training for work.  I signed up for it, even though I'm on medical leave because I am about 1 hour short on my total for the year.  But he closer it got, the more I didn't want to go.  Initially I told myself that it was because I just didn't want to go.  So I started talking to Pete via text about it.  When I pulled away the layers, I realize that there were specific reasons for not wanting to go. 

I'm mentally tired of explaining what surgery I had and why.  I still have people in my life questioning my choices.  Maybe not directly to me, but to family members and to Pete.  And every time I hear about it, I'm a little more beat down.  I made this choice to have an elective mastectomy because I have close to 60% chance of breast cancer and doing it this way means no chemo, radiation or the side effects of those treatments.  Are there things about doing it this way that are hard?  Yep.  But they definitely don't compare to life long issues because of chemo.

I'm afraid of people staring at my foobs.  And it's already happened.  It happened before surgery; as though they wanted to memorize what I looked like to compare afterwards.  Last weekend I told someone about the surgery and watched their eyes.  The leave my face and for a second, they focus on my foobs.  I have a shirt that says "Of course they're fake, the real ones tried to kill me!"  Other than wearing it all the time, I don't know how to address this.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I needed to push myself out of this comfortable cocoon of a home and go out in public again.  And from that I realized that I need to push myself out of my comfort zone with my weight again.  And by the end of the day I had an action plan.

Action Plan

Goal:  I want a TV that costs about $150 for my office/our second bedroom.

Plan:  I'm hanging a list of things to do each day and each thing I do is a $1 toward to TV Fund.  It's up to mw to chose how many, if any, I do each day.  I take the lead and I need to live up to my expectations and no one else's.

Items: So far, my list includes this following items.  But, I reserve the right to add things along the way.

• Workout at the gym for at least 30 minutes
• Be outside in the sun for at least 1 hour.
• Spend 15 minutes meditating.
• Shower & be presentable for company.
• Drink at least 80 ounces of water a day
• Wash and moisturize my face twice a day.
• Eat at least 3 servings of vegetables a day.
• Spend 30 minutes reading.
• Get at least 8 hours of sleep a day.
• Eat 3 meals a day with 2 planned snacks.
• Spend 30 minutes cleaning a room in the house.
• Eat at least 3 servings of fruit a day.
• Spend at least 30 minutes walking Nico.
• No added sugar treats for the day (chocolate, cake, ice cream...)
• Make a new recipe or try a new vegetable/fruit/grain/food item.
• Do at least 1 out of the house errand.

I printed out a calendar for August and September and hung the list next to them.  This action plan starts now.  Every Monday I'll share my results and how it feels and if it's prompted any changes.

I feel stronger, somehow better, just knowing that I have a plan.  I feel like I moved back into living in grace; being kinder to myself and loving myself by flying back out of the nest.

193; T Minus 24 Hours

In 24 hours I'll be on the operating table.

My stomach is in knots.
My heart is racing.
My mind is spinning.

My plan is to be doing something, anything, ALL. DAY. LONG.

I'm totally admitting that I went grocery shopping yesterday and bought comfort foods; chocolate, crackers, Velveeta Shells & Cheese, Chocolate Chex Mix, Noosa Yogurt (high calorie), apple pie with whipped cream, Red Velvet Ice Cream..."

Some of it I've been indulging in now and others I'm leaving for after surgery.  I've been losing weight though because my stomach is in knots so much.  Not the way I want to lose it.

So I'm off to pick up prescriptions, get my glasses adjusted because I'll be wearing them a lot and getting a mani/pedi.  I can't have colored polish on my fingers so it's clear for them.  My toes, however, will be a bright F-U to cancer purple or something.

I haven't shared this journey with everyone in my life.  My Facebook page has been quiet about this and I've been selective in who I tell.  I'm trying to decide if I should just put a status on there so it's out and I can talk about it or if I want to keep it quiet.  You can't take back something like this and I've regretted saying something to a group already.  It's not a secret, but I don't want pity and I don't want this to dominate conversations forever, you know?  Decisions...

Remember when I chose a word to live by for 2013?  GRACE is my word.  I've been thinking a lot about this.  I think it was meant to be that I chose that.  I hope that I am living in grace with all of this.  I hope that I have grace offered to me from the world, from friends, family and God.

So I'll be back to update as soon as I can. 

The Awkwardness of Talking About Being a Previvor

Previvor:  A previvor is a survivor of a predisposition to cancer. 

I found out from reading FORCE website that I am a Previvor.  Well, I could be a previvor or a cancer patient because although the surgeon doesn't think the cells are cancerous yet, she's not sure.  And she can't be sure unless I have at least a lumpectomy.  So for now I'm identifying myself as a previvor.

Mother's Day starts off the year as our first motorcycle club event.  An Ice Cream Social in a park.  We ride there, catch up with the members that we haven't seen all winter, eat some melty ice cream and spend time outside.  I look forward to it each year.

This year was different.  I chose to ride with Pete instead of on my own bike.  Our chapter purposely arrived early and had our chapter meeting.  From the first minute I told Pete that I didn't want to be there.  I was having an emotional day already, the lack of good sleep was getting to me and I felt like a fraud to be sitting there enjoying this when I have this big secret.

I've said it before, it's an awkward situation to have someone ask how you're doing and somehow transition that to I might have cancer and I'm having major surgery.  When someone asks you how you're doing, they expect you to say "good", "great!", "hanging in there" or something similar.  No one expects you to say that you might have cancer.  So how in the world do you transition to that?  There really is no good way.

Part of me wants people to know, but I also don't want it to be a major discussion each time I say something or dominate the conversation or event.  It's also a strange and hard to follow conversation when you say that you might have cancer, you have several risk factors and therefore you're having radical surgery.  The equation often times doesn't add up for people.  Who would consider having radical surgery to prevent cancer?  I've explained it several times to close friends and family members and I can see in their eyes that they don't understand it, even though they say that they do. 

So I went into this day cold (it was only in the 50's and windy), not wanting to be there and very emotional.  Pete (if I was thankful for him before, I am even more so now) pulled a couple of friends aside and told them what was happening.  I was so thankful for that.  I didn't have to blurt it out and they could express care and concern and ask me about it.  We ended up having dinner together and talked about it more.  One thing that is clear is that the people in my life might not totally understand, but they do care and love me.

1:30am Epiphany

Thursday night was another one of my "every other night no sleep" nights.  I fell asleep at about midnight only to wake up at 1:30 and be awake.  I laid in bed and Pete rolled over and asked me if I was ok.  Yep, just awake again.  Poor guy.  I told him to go back to sleep and laid there thinking that maybe I'd fall back asleep.

Then my mind started spinning it's web of "I should have done x,y,z." "I need to do x, y, z." "What if I...?"  "What about...?" "What will happen when...?"  At that point I knew that I wasn't getting back to sleep so I picked up my phone and started surfing, reading and playing card games. 

Then I had an epiphany.  If I used blogs to motivate me. support me and find answers for losing weight, why wasn't I using them to get answers for mastectomies, reconstruction, choices and genetic testing?  By this time I knew that I wasn't going to be able so sleep the rest of the night, but that was ok. 

I quickly found one blog that lead to more blogs that lead to other blogs.  And I can't believe that it took me so long to use this resource.  Dumb. 

One book that everyone kept recommending was: The Breast Reconstruction Guidebook by Kathy Steligo.  So I downloaded it to my Nook and started reading.  I'm about halfway done currently.  It's a straight forward book that deals with how a mastectomy works and the various issues surrounding reconstruction.  Everything from mastectomy scars, to types of reconstruction, to weekly planning before, to afterwards and even a chapter about how to address insurance issues.  I've been highlighting sections that I want to remember and taking notes in my notebook (the best of both worlds - new electronic technology AND old fashioned pen & paper!)

I slept better the rest of the weekend.  It still takes me until at midnight to fall asleep and I wake up several times, but I'm not wide awake all night.  I think the feeling of having more knowledge is empowering and allowing me to relax a bit more.

193.0; I'm Not Where I Want To Be

I'm at 193.  I think that I'm up a pound from my pre Thanksgiving weigh in. 

I'm not where I wanted to be.  But I'm reading a lot of blogs today and this week that are saying the same thing.  And every blogger (including me) posts about a renewed energy to change life.  I think it comes with the new year.  There is a lot of importance placed on January First.  A lot of it comes from the 1's in the date.  1's signals newness and re newness.  A chance to do over what you didn't like and to start fresh on something new.

I'm trying to think a little different.  But then I've always tried to think differently about this.  I believe that life is a journey.  That you're on a path and you control a portion of the direction and a higher power controls the rest.  I believe that you have minute,tiny choices to make every day.  If you add those choices up at the end of the day you get something bigger.  If you add your week up, you get something larger.  If you add your months up to get something even larger.  And if you add your years up you get gigantic outcomes. 

(deep thinking for what seems like a Monday, huh?)

What I mean to say, is that those huge, gigantic goals that you're going to sit down and write or have already written are huge, gigantic goals.  But you get there one little selection at a time.  So instead of putting those huge yearly goals down, think about the smaller ones instead.  If you accomplish the smaller ones, the huge ones are inevitable.  So set the smaller, achievable goals and the rest will come to you.

My goals for January:
1.  Get back to the gym at least 5 days a week.  4 Cardio and 1 weight lifting.  Anything more than 5 is a bonus!
2.  Get back to eating cleaner and with more thought/planning.  I love the fresh veg and white meat and fish, so why did I deviate to the red meat and high cal carbs?
3.  Relax by reading.  Read something every day, even if only a chapter in a book or 10 pages in a magazine.  Reading calms me down, relaxes my quiet mind and feeds my soul.
4.  Say yes more often than no.  Turn those "I could haves" into "I did".
5.  Remember to be present, in the moment and live in Grace.