Tap..Tap, Tap...

*insert joke here*
Is this thing on?

If you would have asked me 7 months ago how my recovery from these mastectomies would have gone, I would have told you that my physical issues would take a long time to heal.  But I never considered longer term phychological issues.  Oh sure, I realized that there may be issues with losing my natural breasts and the scarring.  But the long term issues I never considered.

Today I am off the antidepressant.  It's too early to know what my new normal is again.  I will say that going off the meds and having PMS at the same time probably isn't recommended.  I'm tired all the time, expect at bedtime.  I'm way over emotional.  And I still have no motivation.

But I worry.  I worry that my previous normal will never be the same again.  I worry that taking the meds, even for a short time, screwed up my brain chemistry already.  I'm worried that I should have been on the meds long ago and life wouldn't have been so hard.  I'm worried.

I talk to Pete a lot more now about my feelings and emotions and we connect much better on a deeper level.  I will always have the surgery to thank for that.  He is supportive and a good listener.  Even if his goal is to "fix" it all, he realizes that it's not always my goal and that it's ok just to talk about it.  But I sense some frustration that he can't fix it for me.  I'm so very sorry for that.  My heart hurts that he has to ensure that feeling of helplessness because of me. 

I am done with physical therapy and therapy and, and it's just me.  And when I say that in my head and see that on this screen, I wonder again if the meds aren't what I really need.  I try to look at myself objectively as I can.  I see in my head all the conversations I've had with clients about taking their meds.  They all want to stop them because they're "fixed", but mental health is sometimes never "fixed" by a short course of medications.  I think about all the times that I directed them back to their doctors to get back on the meds that they self tapered off of.  I think about how I tell them that if they were diabetic they'd take the meds so they need to take the mental health meds.  And I wonder, is that what I should be telling myself?

What's My Plan?

Clearly 2013 wasn't anything that I thought it would be.  It's thrown me for a loop in most aspects of my life.  And while I'd love to tell you that I was "healed" on 1/10/14, 6 months after surgery, I'm not.  I'm done with therapy and feel like I have more control over my emotions.  But I'm still on the antidepressant and trying ti figure out how to get off.  I'm still in physical therapy to help build the muscles back up.  I'm not going to the gym on a regular basis.  And my motivation for anything seems to be gone.

So what's my plan?  I haven't quite figured out the whole thing.  In some ways, I'm more reluctant to plan in 2014 because of the loop that a went on in 2013.  It's as though I can't fathom planning past the next month or the next week.  Maybe the reluctance is from the abnormal biopsy and everything that happened afterwards or maybe it's from the antidepressant. 

I've been researching how to wean myself off the antidepressant because I feel like I need to try it on my own.  And while I could do it myself, others have told me that I should really see my doctor about it.  I've had long conversations with Pete about how the medication makes me feel.  No motivation, no energy, more insomnia, tired all the time, weight gain, nothing seems fun.  And while I like the fact that I'm not engaged in the running commentary in my head all the time and I'm less anxious and stressed, I think I need to be done with it.  The good doesn't seem to outweigh the bad.  We've talked about how I think I need to try it off the med and if something changes; if he sees negative changes in me, I'll go back on some type of medication.

I've thought long and hard about who I am.  The me before the medication with the dialogue in my head, driven by motivation and sometimes stress, anxious about things at times, goal oriented...  Maybe, just maybe, that's who I am and who I'm meant to be.  Even though those things were lessened with the medication, they are things that I am used to and have developed tools to deal with them.  This new me is someone that I don't know how to "fix".  I don't know how to get more motivation when I feel NONE.  I don't know how to feel highs and laughter and funny.  I don't know how to feel a bit stressed so that it drives to me be productive.  Maybe, those are all just me and I need them. 

So my plan is shortsighted for now.  Simply put, it's to get off the medication and see how I feel about it all.

A Different Take On Christmas

This Christmas was different than any year I ever remember.  The difference?  I was relaxed. 

For as long as I can remember, Christmas started the day after Thanksgiving with furious activity of rushing, going and worry.  The tree, the 48 hour+ baking spree, multiple days of shopping, a day of wrapping perfectly, searching for food, preparing new and cool foods and gifts, running from home to home and shopping some more...  I like to think that I'm a relaxed, type B personality.  But in the last couple of weeks I'm starting to think that maybe I'm more type a than I think. 

This year?  I didn't put the tree up.  I never spent a good 48 hours baking all kinds of Christmas cookies that partially got thrown away.  I shopped for gifts one day and was done.  I used gift bags instead of pretty coordinating wrap.  I never made a huge deal over a special breakfast on Christmas eve or day.  I didn't shop for days over 2 new outfits for the 2 days. 

Pete and I opened gifts on the 23rd, which is our tradition.  I commented that this year felt different and more relaxed than I've ever been.  He commented that he saw that and in turn it was more relaxed for him also.  We didn't argue about how he wasn't liking going to my extended family Christmas; I went and he stayed home.  We both won. 

This is a new experience for me. 

Feeeeeeeelings......

Woah, woah Woah, feeeeeeeelings... (is it only me that has that song in my head?)

So feelings.  Powerful things.  Learning a lot about them.  Mostly - there is no such thing as a bad feeling.  What we can and should change is how we deal with them.  And what I'm learning is that we come from a generation of people who wasn't all that great at allowing feelings and modeling good behavior with regard to feelings. 

I read this quote from Bears receiver Brandon Marshall about Incognito bullying a team mate:

“Look at it from this standpoint,” Marshall said. “Take a little boy and a little girl. A little boy falls down and the first thing we say as parents is ‘Get up, shake it off. You’ll be OK. Don’t cry.’ A little girl falls down, what do we say? ‘It’s going to be OK.’ We validate their feelings. So right there from that moment, we’re teaching our men to mask their feelings, to not show their emotions.

Wow.  He's right.  And I think that we not only do that with little boys, but we also do it with little girls.  We do it because we don't want kids thinking that every small thing is a big issue and getting upset about it.  But we, because I've done it too, go about it the wrong way at times.

So as an adult, I've learned that my feelings are valid at the time that I'm experiencing them.  I'm ok to feel that way.  But I can be positive and proactive and learn how to take control of the feelings.  I'm the person who creates BIG balloons of details about something I perceive in my head, when I could stem that process by just asking questions about the issue. 

Pete sells Body By Vi and has a multitude of customers.  He often times offers locals not only the shakes, but personal help in starting a weight loss/fitness program.  At times it's very demanding.  In the last week, there were several days that he spent more time with a couple of customers than me.  After a few days I started building this story in my head about how he didn't want to spend time with me, how he was leaving me behind, how he would rather be out with others.  In the past, I would have let this go and build and build.  But this time, I chose to just tell Pete that I was feeling lonely and left out.  1 sentence.  No confrontation.  No big story.  You know what happened?  He validated my feelings, realized that he hadn't made time for me and we planned a night out.  Solved. 

It. Was. Awesome. 

It felt powerful and calming and loving. 

So, the next time you catch yourself telling someone (child or adult) to shake off their feelings, think about how you're doing it.  Can you validate the feeling and share ways to deal with it in a positive and loving manner?  Try it!

The Emotional Toll

I thought I had it all worked out. I spent hours with Pete talking 5 years ago when my Mom was tested for BRCA.  We talked about how having a mastectomy would change myself, and in turn change our lives.  I had it figured out after spending so much time talking.  It would change me, but I could get through it.  And I had it all figured out. 

When my mammo was abnormal and my path changed and I thought I had it all figured out.  I had spent all that time talking and thinking and figuring it all out.  But the reality is that I didn't.  I have this self doubt that is creeping in.  I have a lack of confidence that is disheartening.  I can't help but wonder if I did the right thing.

I spent so much time prior to surgery getting physically and mentally ready for surgery.  When I let myself think too much, I was an emotional mess and spent the day or days in bed crying.  I tried to focus on the positive and often put a smile on for those around me.  I planned and wrote lists and made calls, all things to keep me busy. 

I spent the days after surgery trying to physically recover.  This was a hard surgery.  Even now, 60 days later, I hurt and have muscle soreness and pain.  And I remember remarking to someone, about 30 days out, how surprised that I wasn't more of an emotional basket case.  I kept waiting for the emotions to bubble up and flow out.

The last couple of weeks, as I try to resume my life from before April, I noticed that I was more emotional about random small things.  While I can potentially attribute some of this to my cycle (I'm still learning my body's new/other cues), I can't blame it all on that.  I've had some long crying jags and intense discussions with Pete, along with car rides where I don't remember getting from point A to B.  The emotional part has kicked in.  Hard.

I think I'm in the middle of grieving my old life.  I've done this before.  My failed and destructive TMJ surgeries led me to grieve the life that I would have had without the daily pain.  I was well out of grief when I could look back and see that's what had happened.  I had no idea what was happening while in it and likely held most of it in, leaving no one to point out to me what was going on while I was in it.  This time I have an inkling of what's going on.  But as with any grieving process, it's different for each person and each time.  The difference is that I can't go this alone and I shouldn't go it alone.

It's a struggle.  I spent so much of my life relying on me.  Living in my head, figuring out things myself and living my own problems out.  But I can't expect to not let Pete in.  I can't expect him to support me, without knowing what I'm thinking and what I need from him.  I need to let him in.

I've come to realize today, that I think I'm second guessing myself.  Second guessing if I should have had the surgery.  I'm caught in this no mans land of being a previvor, not having cancer, but having a pretty big probability of having it at some point.  I'm struggling with body image, self confidence and figuring out how my life looks today and forward.  What if it was all for nothing?  What if I took the wrong path?

197.2; Why Did You Start Losing Weight?

I was trying to find a quote on Pinterest that I've decided was only a figment of the Dilauid/Morphine I was given in the hospital.  It's no where on Pinterest or the web.  But while searching, I found this:

"Reality check: you can never, ever, use weight loss to solve problems that are not related to your weight. At your goal weight or not, you still have to live with yourself and deal with your problems. You will still have the same husband, the same job, the same kids, and the same life. Losing weight is not a cure for life." ~ Dr Phil

Holy Buckets!  Yes.

I'll admit that part of what I wanted to do by losing weight, was make my life better.  Be more powerful, more in control, happier.  And while that's occurred, life is not perfect.  That's ok.  I don't want to sail through life without challenges or issues, because it would be pretty boring and I really believe that those lows make the highs so much better.

The issues surrounding my weight gain are still there.  The difference is that I believe I know what they are and I can deal with them. The emotional eating, the comfort eating, the lonely eating...it's still there.  But I know a bit more on how to deal with it. 

So did you think life was going to change with the pounds shedding?  Did you learn something new about yourself?  Do you have more awareness of what may have caused your weight gain?

It's weigh in Wednesday.  I talk a lot about needing to find motivation in various places.  The internet is one of them.  So click the picture and find some motivation in other people who are in your shoes!

 

Body Image

Body image is a strange thing.  I mean, we're all so different.  No two people alike.  Well, I guess they are, if you're a twin or something.  But the rest of the world?  We are all different.

As little girls we grow up seeing out mothers and their shape and how they view their bodies.  Are they thin or thick, tall or short, round or flat?  Do they mention their frame and their shape?  Do they just naturally live in their frame?  Do they constantly diet?  Or eat whatever and seem to make no mention?  Our idea of body image is first instilled by those closest to us.

As a child I remember my Mom being...perfect.  Not too tall, not too short, not big or thin.  My Aunt was thin, but always dieting.  I don't remember the particular diet, but I remember a constant conversation on dieting.  The thing is, I remember wanting to be like my aunt.  Mostly, only because she wasn't my Mom, and the grass is always greener on the other side. 

I've said before, but I have a few particular memories about body image.  I believe I was 11, the summer after 5th grade.  I had been wearing a bra for about a year and started my period.  My sister, our neighborhood friends and I were playing outside.  We all had swimsuits on with some shorts and t shirts on over it.  A neighbor was airing out his camper trailer and said we could hang out in it.  We little girls giggled and talked and as we got hot, we took off our shirts and shorts.  Only I wasn't "little".  Even though I was 11 and about the same age as the other girls, I had developed hips and breasts and in my swimsuit I must have appeared more teen/woman, than child.  The neighbor came in to make sure we were ok and mentioned me and my suit in some manner, but no one else.  I was instantly embarrassed, aware of something being "wrong" and as he left, I put my shorts and shirt back on.  I instantly felt different from the other girls and my first instinct was to attempt to blend back in and become invisible.  This would shape my body image for years and years to come.

The one that I've talked about before was being with my aunt and a friend of hers in the yard.  We were sitting on a blanket and the friend was asking about me.  At the time I was about 12, tall for my age at 5'7" and thin.  Her friend said something to the effect that it was awesome that I was so tall because I could gain weight and it wouldn't show because of my height.  I was 12.  And I think that's one of the interactions that would also shape my image for years to come.

My body image is horrible, I'll be the first to admit it.  When I was gaining weight in college and afterwards, I remember thinking to myself "I'm not that bad."  What does that even mean?  That I'm fat, but it's ok?  That I'm not really fat, just big boned/large?  That I'm thin, but just different than other women?  That I'm just average, but bigger?  At this point, I don't even know.  It seems silly and dumb when I think about it, but at the time it made sense.

I bit of me, a tiny voice in my head, is struggling again.  And I have to say that even though this surgery and the flap procedure fit my life best, I almost changed my mind.  Why?  I was concerned about my body image.  Only not what you would think; not about my breasts.  I was/am concerned about my hips/butt.  I have this incredibly flat tummy right now from surgery.  I have these beautiful breasts that are in place and not saggy from weight loss.  But my hips and tummy?  They're still the same.  Large.

It's a shame really.  I go through this incredible weight loss than changes my life and my body.  I start coming to grips with my body image and how it's changed, but livable and beautiful in it's own right.  Then this new life changing thing happens.  And again I have to figure out not only what my body image is, but how to successfully live with it.  It's never ending, this body image thing.

Try this:  What's your body look like to you?

Tell me, how close were you to your actual body shape?  What's your body image?

191; Body Acceptance

I know I've been promising updates about my surgery and the last year and photos. While partly I've been waiting for a blog redesign,  I think subconsciously I have been avoiding it because of some skin issues. 

Yesterday afternoon I took a break from reviewing files and read the news.  I found this quote:

These were all women of various sizes and shapes and some, like me, bore the marks of a difficult life. My tattoos represent much of the pain and suffering I have endured. They are part of me, just like my scars, my fat, my eternal struggle with gravity. None of our bodies are 'perfect.'

The quote is from Margaret Cho and it spoke to me.  If you don't know who she is, she's a comic who's been heavy and lost weight.  She's spoken out about not getting jobs in entertainment because of her weight and the mind games it led her to play.  Margaret seems to have come to terms with her body, good, bad or otherwise.

I never understood tattoos until I met Pete.  I mean I understand that you get them and live with them, but I didn't really get them.  Shortly after we met, we were walking in a park talking and I asked him about his tattoos and then I asked if he regretted any of them.  I'll never forget that he told me very quickly that he never regretted them.  Even the ones that had lost some of the meaning.  He explained that they told the story of his life, they made him remember just where he was and what he was doing and how he felt.  I got it.  I understand tattoos (for most people) are like the storyboard of their life.  I'm not saying that there are some dumb tats from people who didn't think them out that are bad, but for those who really think about tats, they're the story.

It also lead me back to NieNie's Tuesday Post about the beauty of a woman.  "A woman's skin tells her story. Where she's been.  How she's lived. What she's accomplished."  Nienie talks about her plane crash and shows the years of change that her new skin, mixed with her old skin does tell the story of her life.  Not the life that she imagined, but her life none the less.

Yesterday as I read Margaret's quote and thought back to NieNie's post, I was first upset that they made Margaret cover her body up.  Then I got to the end of Margaret's quote and thought, crap, that's me.  I thought back to NieNie's post and realized that the two go hand in hand.  I wondered why I couldn't see this before.  Then I thought that maybe I had, but can't really accept it. 

What am I rambling about?  The story of my life, my storyboard.  My body.  Maybe mine isn't covered in tats.  But I have scars and saggy skin and wrinkles.  Some of the scars - like the dog bites on my face and my TMJ surgeries - I've learned to accept and to live with.  I've learned they are part of me.  I don't even think twice about them any longer because it's been so long that they are me. 

The newer scars and saggy skin and lumps/bumps and wrinkles, they're harder to accept.  But they tell my story too, my more recent story.  Why am I ashamed of them?  Why do they lead me to be less than happy about where I am?  Why?  partly because I ABUSED my body for long long by being overweight and not doing anything about it.  So it's my "fault".  Partly because it's not the picture I had in my head about what would happen when I lost weight - I thought I'd be "perfect".  Partly because I haven't lost all the weight that I wanted to, yet.

But at the same time, how can I deny my journey thus far?  How can I deny the hard work and the dedication and the changes that I've made?  So I'm going to have a nice big 4/1/13 post ready that outlines my journey progress, complete with photos.  It's my journey dammit and I'm claiming it.

 

187.6; Dealing With Stress

10 years ago I lived by myself.  When I had a stressful day at work, a bad weekend for whatever reason or just sad/depressed, I dealt with it.  But it's likely that how I did that, isn't how normal people deal with it.

I'd stop at the grocery store on the way home.  There I'd get a pint of ice cream, a "picnic" cake that should serve 4, salsa, sour cream, shredded cheddar cheese, tortilla chips, a chocolate bar, several diet dr peppers and likely various other items.  I'd pretend that I was shopping for my family and I and sometimes get enough for 4 people, adding a deli salad or something else to go with all this.

I'd get back in my vehicle to drive home and plan how and where I was going to eat it.  When I got home I'd put the ice cream in the freezer, the cake in the fridge.  The 6 ounces of sour cream in a large ice cream bowl with about 1/2 cup of the shredded cheese and about 2 cups of salsa over that.  Then I'd take the bowl with chips , the deli salad, the soda and the chocolate bar up to my bedroom.  I'd make the room really dark, turn the TV on and get into bed with my "dinner".  I'd spend the next hour eating as much as I could, until I felt relaxed and soothed and "full".  Once I felt full I was less stressed, but regretful.  I'd lay and watch TV some more.

After about an hour or so I'd take the dishes and things to the kitchen and get my dessert.  Because nothing sooths the soul like cake and ice cream.  No bother dishing it up - take the carton and the cake in it's box back to my bedroom with another soda.  I'd eat about half the ice cream and about 1/3 of the cake.  Then I'd take the leftovers back to the kitchen, but only because I didn't want the ice cream to melt for the next time I ate some.

I'd go back to bed, in the dark, with the TV and lay.  Soothed because I was full in my tummy.  A bit later I'd drink the third soda and eat the chocolate bar before turning out the lights to sleep.

Truth is, I wasn't less stressed after eating all that.  Sure, it felt comforting to eat those foods, because I was focused on the food and the taste, rather than the stress or depression.  But once the food was gone and I was there by myself and regretted what I ate, I was still there.  The initial stress was gone, but a new feeling of depression would set in.  I'd lament my choices and plan never to do it again.  But I did.  Over and over and over again.  Food was my constant friend when no one else was.

So here I am, 98 pounds less and about 5 years from my heaviest and worst habits.  You know what I want to do when I'm stressed or depressed?  Head to the grocery store.  It takes EVERYTHING within me to not make that trip.  It's easy to tell myself that I deserve the treat, the comfort of a cookie when things go bad.  But the truth is, I end up at the end of the cookie, just the same. 

Instead, I write.  I think and talk aloud.  I read.  I take a bath.  I walk the dog.  I even go to the gym sometimes and run my ass off.  Are there times that I indulge in the treat?  Yep.  I'm human and it's ok to make mistakes.  But when I do that I'm aware that I'm doing it, I'm not eating 4000 calories and cups of food and I don't continue to do it all night.  Is it hard to change?  Yep.  But unless I want the scale to go in the other direction, I need to start realizing that emotions can't be eaten away and my situation does not get better with food.  It's ok to be scared, stressed, angry, disappointed, upset...EVERYONE feels those emotions and lives through to the other side to be ok at the end.

I need to repeat that:  EVERYONE FEELS EMOTIONS AND LIVED THROUGH TO BE OK AT THE END.  Feel them, don't feed them.

191.8; Negative Self Talk

The other night I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep.  I have insomnia and take anti anxiety meds to help me get to sleep and stay asleep.  It's not a perfect cure, but I also don't want to spend my nights eating at the White Castle drive in naked while taking Ambien.  Because I am POSITIVE that this would happen only to me.  And my little mini schnauzer would be in the passenger seat wearing these, even though he hates them:

So when I take the meds I lay down and try to relax and hope that I fall asleep.  But often it doesn't happen.  And what I've discovered is that in that time between it not happening right away and my actually falling asleep, I engage in lots and lots of negative self talk.

I beat myself up for forgetting to send back my shirt.  I silently berate myself for not paying the gas bill yesterday and having to send it today.  I yell at myself for not going to the gym.  I curse myself for not getting the bathroom cleaned like I had planned.  I plan my tomorrow so that I get all those things done, plus the new things and then again berate myself over and over the next night for failing to get it all done again.

In these moments of self doubt I wonder if I'm where I'm supposed to be in life?  Did I make all the right choices (other than Pete and the pup above - those choices are SOLID)?  Did I do all that I can do to be a good me?  What other things can I do?  How can I change my life to be better? 

It's these questions and concerns and worries and issues that keep me from falling asleep.  I used to try to occupy my mind with a story or something to make sure that I wasn't berating myself.  Now I turn to my cell phone and try to play a quiet game while I wait for the medicine to do it's thing.

I wasn't always like this.  It started in my 30s.  There was a period where I was averaging 2 hours of sleep a night because I was so involved in my head.  And it used to be that I made lists in my head of things to do or things that I had done that day.  Now it's turned to beating myself up about what happened recently or didn't happen.  I don't know when it shirted, but it did.

My goal for March is to stop myself from the negative self talk at night.  Instead to start listing the things that I did do that day.  The things that I have in my life that are working.  And to gently remind myself of 1 thing only to do better the following day.  One.  Not forty.

190.6; Will I Ever Be Enough?

I watched the Biggest Loser last night.  It was mostly about facing your fears.

It really got me thinking.  I'm struggling with the last 15 pounds I need to lose. I'm starting to realize that I'm likely self sabotaging right now.  I KNOW what to do to lose weight. I know how to eat right.  Yet I seem to do these things half heartedly and with 70% lately.  And while I've had periods like this throughout my loss, this seems somehow different. 

I'm scared.  

I can't hide behind my weight anymore as any excuse for ANYTHING.  I'm front and center and people see me.  I still don't know what to do when I see men checking me out or being extra nice to me in public. It makes me uncomfortable and makes me sad that I didn't get the same attention 90 pounds ago.  I can't claim that I can't do something because I'm to tired or fat.  People aren't going to excuse me when I do something wrong because of my weight.

I'm scared.

What happens if what I am now isn't enough?  What happens if I try something new now and fail?  How do I be front and center of anything so people see the real me that was hiding there all along?  How do I deal with attention from people who ignored me before because I was fat?

I'm scared.

What if I lose the remaining 15 pounds and I'm not that magically happy thin person?  What if I lose 15 pounds and everything isn't rainbows and butterflies?  What if I lose that last 15 pounds and Pete looks at me and doesn't 'like' the new me?  Hell, what if I don't like the new me?

I'm scared.

And I don't know the answer to any of this right now.  It follows me around like the plague, keeping me from concentrating on my book and from falling asleep at night.  It occupies my mind during work and at stoplights.  It's nagging right behind the smile on my face.  I try to imagine what life is like and reality is that life is like it is right now.  But for someone who lost a lot of weight, it's somehow different, just a little.  I want the pieces to fall into place.  I want to let the past go and embrace where I am now and anticipate the future. 

But I'm scared.

191; ReThinking Goals/Progress

So I'm a little more than 30 days out from my 1 year mark since surgery.

My goal was always and still is to get to 175 pounds.  Even though the BMI calculators say that I should be between 115-154 pounds.

At 190 my BMI is still 30 and I am considered obese. I have to be honest.  When I think about how far I have come and still see that by most people's standards I am obese, it is like a slap in the face. Because lets be honest, the whole BMI chart is not the end all be all of how to determine if you are healthy.  It's misleading.  But it's what the majority of the public thinks about when they think about how to determine size.  In reality it was meant to be a screening tool that leads to other discussions and tests about one's health.  But it's become the chart that everyone uses to determine if someone is healthy. 

However, even the CDC agrees that it's not totally reliable.  There are too many other factors to consider that can't be determined from a few numbers and a quick calculation.  And I am at a disadvantage.  I'm a woman who tends to hold more fat than a man and I'm "older" and older people tend to hold more fat than younger people. 

Other factors can help at quick glance.  If your waist size is smaller, you're likely more healthy because belly fat is hard on your body, same with neck size.  Additionally, how active are you?  The more active you are, even if larger, the better off you are.  And finally what does your frame look like?  I'm not some small boned little girl.  Never have been.  115 would make me simply anorexic and frail.  154?  I might be able to get there, but I'd still have excess skin and a lot of it that would have to factor in.

Still, seeing that freaking fracking, dumb word OBESE jump out at me, sucks.  For at 190 I am the most thin that I have been since college, 20+ years ago.

Being 175 would place me in the overweight category.  And again that SUCKS.  Who doesn't want to be normal?  Not thin or skinny, but just normal for cripes sake?  It's pisses me off.  Over the weekend I realized that I was ok with my body in a tank top tucked in to my jeans.  Let's repeat this - stretchy shirt tucked into my jeans.  This is important because it's likely how I'll be spending my summer on the motorcycle.  Critically, I know that I can lose mass around my thighs and I'm not sure how much is still fat and how much is excess skin, but they're bigger.  And I can stand to lose mass around my upper arms.  Same thing - some fat and some excess skin.  I have a slight pooch above my port that again I can't tell if it's excess fat or skin.  Those are my critical areas.  But for the most part I'm happy with me.  I just want to be that normal 42 (almost 43) year old woman who enjoys a healthy life.

So I'm still searching out that 175.  Getting there from where I'm at isn't going to be easy, I can tell that now.  It's going to be a struggle, shaking things up, working hard and figuring out how to get it done.  But I'm willing to do it.  Beyond 175?  I don't know.  Ask me at 175 how it looks on my frame.  Ask my what my critical areas are again.  Ask me what my goal is after that.  Ask me how much I'm willing to put into it versus how much I'm wanting to just enjoy where I am.  Ask me all this then.  By that time I may have a whole different perspective or I may still be thinking that 175 is pretty damn good. 

190.6; Lying

When I was a teen I compared my body to those around me, friends, family members and others.  I didn't like what I saw in myself and was really very critical, as most teens are.  I was on the tall side, on the large boned side and often one of the bigger girls.  I'd guess I was likely lower weight than I am now, but similar body shape.

In early college I lost a bunch of weight my second year.  I could share clothes with my sister, who was still in high school.  However, I was still bigger than most of my friends.  I'd guess I was about 150-ish and 5'7", but in a large.  The farther along I got in college, the heavier I got.

That's when I really started lying to myself.  I've talked about this before, this body image issue.  I gained weight so slowly that I didn't notice it.  And because no one said anything to me about it, I convinced lied to myself that it wasn't so bad.  In fact I spent the rest of the my 20s and the early part of my 30s, about 10 years, lying to myself.

Oh yes, there were times that I magically lost weight and looked better.  I say magically because I was doing nothing to lose weight, it was life situations or medical issues.  And when I'd lose weight people would comment on how good I looked.  But it never clicked with me.  Because I'd gain the weight back and continue to lie to myself that I didn't look that bad.

Then when I wanted to lose weight, I'd change how I ate in front of people, but still chow down when I was alone at home.  I'd lie to myself that I was changing and lament about my body not following suit.  I'd track all my foods to get a good calorie count, but not add in the chocolate/candy/crap and I'd cheat the portions down form what I really ate.  I'd lie to myself. 

I'd jump on that treadmill when I got home and sweat like a pig for 20 minutes while Pete was still on his way home.  Then I'd jack thing up to 12 and step on the sides while it shirred by, racking up the miles on the counter.  He'd get home and I'd show him how well I did.  While I lied to myself about how good I did on working out.  I'd lift weights at the gym and grunt and sweat, but lie about how heavy the weights were or how many reps I actually did.

My point to all this?  The lying?  It got me NO WHERE.  None.  I knew I was lying.  Pete knew I was lying.  My family knew I was lying.  My co-workers and friends knew I was lying.  But I lied to myself about the fact that I was lying.  And it got me no where, other than to suddenly wake up after 10 years of being fat and unhappy and depressed. 

So when I hear Pete talk about clients that are having issues or when I hear friends or bloggers talk about not losing or seeing results, I can't help but wonder if they're lying to themselves too.  I want to yell to them that lying doesn't work, it does no good to them.  But I don't.  When I reach a plateau and I find myself complaining about a lack of progress I have to stop myself.  I have to tell myself to quit lying. 

Have you started telling the truth?

192; Blogs

I've said that a big part of my motivation to lose weight came from blogs.  I've mentioned them before...Prior Fat Girl, Mama Laughlin, Twelve In Twelve...along with others. 

More recently I've been getting motivation from the Internet, but in different ways.  Online boutiques, life blogs, organization blogs and still some weight loss/working out blogs.

I've mentioned before Kiki La'Rue and how awesome I think her online shop is.  Great trendy clothing for low prices and awesome customer service.  Some of the other blogs I've been reading are:

SkinnyMeg
Simply Scratch
She's A Big Star
Skinny Jean Pilgrimage

Check them out.  Read some and see if you connect with anyone.  I believe that new routines, changes and overall healthiness in all aspects of life come from connections.  Yes, I understand that these are Internet connections and I will likely never meet these people or talk to them on the phone.  But don't discount the connection of reading a post and thinking "Hey, that sounds like me." or "Hey, I can do that. or "Hey, I needed that."

And another one to check out:  Life is Amazing  She's got an awesome giveaway right now!

187.0: After You've Met Your Goal

Then what?

I mean this seriously.  I've noticed that I'm a bit compulsive when I set goals that others can see/know about.  Like my goal to be 220 or less when I had my surgery in March.  I knew that they would weigh me the day of surgery and therefore I really really tried to get there, to the point of working out a couple of hours a day.

I joined the Holiday Challenge at the Y.  Weighed in 11/26/12 and had to weigh in by today to see if I got the shirt.  I haven't been working out, but I managed to lose 5 pounds in 6 weeks (most of it in the last week).  I got the shirt.

But today?  Today I feel like I've indulged and there is no goal or no one watching.

For breakfast I 6 ounces of Greek yogurt, 1/2 cup berries with it.
For lunch I had 1 cup tomato soup with 1/2 english muffin with a piece of low fat cheese on it.
Then I had 3 mini peanutbutter cups.
This afternoon I had about 10 small pieces of licorice.
Then I had a Special K pastry Crisp.
Then I had about 3/4 cup cucumbers/red pepper strips with about 3 ounces of hummus.

My mind thinks it's been eating all day long.  But when I log it in like that it's not bad.  Sure I could have chosen better with the peanut butter cups and the licorice.  But I followed up with fresh veg knowing that the sugar wasn't cutting it.  And it's not that terribly indulgent.  But I feel like it is.

I think I feel like that because I was very determined and limited my intake the last week to meals and very few snacks.  That is to say, my mind plays a trick in that it thinks I was better with eating last week when really it just may be that I was so limiting last week and I can't sustain that, so I start eating more to compensate.

It's a mind game.  Really it is.  I think some of it is about control and some is about meeting goals.  But it's definitely something I need to work on to be truly healthy.  It's ok to have snacks and indulge as long as it's not way out of balance from what I should be eating.  It's ok to try to stick to limited eating, but it needs to be be done in a healthy way.  Those are the things I need to keep working on.

192.2; Emerson Had It Right

Finish each day and be done with it.  You have done what you could.  Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can.  Tomorrow is a new day.  You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
 

The quote is from Emerson.  Reading through the stuff on my phone last night it really struck me.  It only added to my post form yesterday.  He had it right.

We get so caught up in the yesterdays and tomorrows that we forget what we have today.  We get caught in the mistakes of our past and the what if's of tomorrow that we forget each day is a new chance to do what we want. 

I'm not going to say it's not a challenge, because it is.  But I firmly believe that we'd be happier if we focused on the here and now versus the before and after.

193.0; I'm Not Where I Want To Be

I'm at 193.  I think that I'm up a pound from my pre Thanksgiving weigh in. 

I'm not where I wanted to be.  But I'm reading a lot of blogs today and this week that are saying the same thing.  And every blogger (including me) posts about a renewed energy to change life.  I think it comes with the new year.  There is a lot of importance placed on January First.  A lot of it comes from the 1's in the date.  1's signals newness and re newness.  A chance to do over what you didn't like and to start fresh on something new.

I'm trying to think a little different.  But then I've always tried to think differently about this.  I believe that life is a journey.  That you're on a path and you control a portion of the direction and a higher power controls the rest.  I believe that you have minute,tiny choices to make every day.  If you add those choices up at the end of the day you get something bigger.  If you add your week up, you get something larger.  If you add your months up to get something even larger.  And if you add your years up you get gigantic outcomes. 

(deep thinking for what seems like a Monday, huh?)

What I mean to say, is that those huge, gigantic goals that you're going to sit down and write or have already written are huge, gigantic goals.  But you get there one little selection at a time.  So instead of putting those huge yearly goals down, think about the smaller ones instead.  If you accomplish the smaller ones, the huge ones are inevitable.  So set the smaller, achievable goals and the rest will come to you.

My goals for January:
1.  Get back to the gym at least 5 days a week.  4 Cardio and 1 weight lifting.  Anything more than 5 is a bonus!
2.  Get back to eating cleaner and with more thought/planning.  I love the fresh veg and white meat and fish, so why did I deviate to the red meat and high cal carbs?
3.  Relax by reading.  Read something every day, even if only a chapter in a book or 10 pages in a magazine.  Reading calms me down, relaxes my quiet mind and feeds my soul.
4.  Say yes more often than no.  Turn those "I could haves" into "I did".
5.  Remember to be present, in the moment and live in Grace.

192.0; The End and The Beginning

Have you heard about One Little Word?

Basically you chose a word to define you or your life for a year.  Weird, huh?  I thought so.  Who wants to think of something to define them for 365 days?  On the other hand, it's kind of like resolutions without big long wordy sentences or plans.

I decided that I needed to make 2012 a year of CHOICES.  Interestingly I found a bracelet that says "Dreams become reality one choice at a time."  It was like it was meant to be!  I put that bracelet on sometime in February and haven't taken it off.

My year of choices taught me a lot.  I have many small choices that add up to big things that are hard to see.  If I make a bad choice, there is no need to beat myself up, just make the better choice next time.  I do have may choices even when I think I have none.  I can only make MY choices, not someone else's choice.

Powerful stuff when I start looking back and reflecting.  And I realize how far that one little word has gotten me in 2012.

So my word for 2013?  GRACE. 

I want to live gracefully.  In beauty and kindness.  With poise and centered in myself.  I want to chose nice over mean.  I want to give myself grace and forgiveness and be ok with who I am at any given moment.  I want to be graceful in motion and thought. 

Grace.

What do you think?

191.6;Where I'm At

I think (let's hope I don't have to retract this statement) that I'm where I should be with my band.  I think.  I did not get a fill in December so the last fill was from November. I'm also not scheduled to see her again until February.

All along I've been living with this band.  I've waited for the day when I realize that it's really working.  All along I thought that there would be some awakening from the heavens to show me that it's working.  I've wondered and waited for signs like Pete has, thinking that our experiences would be the same.

They're not.

Pete gets a warning hiccup when he's getting full.  I don't.
Pete has to cut everything really tiny.  I don't, but I chew more.
Pete can wait 5 minutes and eat more.  I can't.
Pete can use a piece of bread to get things unstuck.  It just adds to the mass of stuck for me.
Pete is hungry again at meal times.  I've got very little hunger, if any at all.

After the November fill I realized that the band is doing it's job and doing it well.  It's making me not have much hunger, if any at all.  It's making me chew more so that food doesn't get stuck.  It's making me fill up faster and be fuller for longer periods of time.  However,  can still eat more than 1.5 cups depending on the food I'm eating.  But in order to not have bad experiences I have to eat slowly and be mindful of the food I am eating and how I am eating it.

Where I'm still having the issue is the connection between my mind and my body.  My mind craves chocolate and carbs ALL.THE.TIME.  While I may only have 3-4 ounces of fish, 1/2 up of peas and 10 tiny tatortots (my actual dinner last night), by 8:30 I was craving chocolate and Trader Joe's Ginger Cookies.  Did I indulge?  Yes.  I had 5 ginger cookies (they're only an inch across).  I find that if I let myself indulge a bit, it helps from not obsessing and I eat less than if I let it build up to massive cravings.

Am I down a bunch of weight in the last few months?  No.  But I'm not gaining and I'm continuing to lose 1-5 pounds each month.  I'm not concerned about massive amounts of loss any longer.  I'm concerned about living a healthy lifestyle that includes foods good for me and good food.  I'm concerned about living an active lifestyle vs a sedentary lifestyle and one filled with activities and physical activity that I enjoy.  I'm concerned with maintaining the loss that I have and not returning to the bad habits that got me into this position in the first place.  When I take all that into account, I think that I'm doing a pretty good job.

191; The Geography of My Body

A Picture Post.

Just kidding. 

Every girl/woman should know their body.  Partly morbid curiosity and partly self preservation.  When I was younger I didn't want to know my body and by the time it became obvious that I needed to know my body, I was morbidly obese and couldn't see my body.  Neither of which is a good thing.

It occurred to me while I was shaving my legs that the geography of my body has greatly changed.  It took me almost 20 years to become morbidly obese, a day at a time.  It's only been about 2 years of losing close to 100 pounds.  I need to relearn the geography of my body.

The curves and rolls that were once there are gone.  In their place are much more angular and firm slopes.  I have to take care shaving my knees because they're no longer round, but rather boney and rigid.  I have to take care around my ankles because I can easily slice the back of them because it's linear, rather than curved.

I have muscles in my arms and shoulders and back, but still have hanging skin from my triceps.  My butt is much smaller and no longer shelf like, but I have a clear muffin top if I'm not careful about how I swear my pants.  I have smaller waist, hips and legs, but the skin from my thighs prevents me from getting smaller pants.

I still look at a certain top in my closet that is a Gap size large and think that I can't wear it.  Not because it won't fit, but because I'm sure that it's not long enough to cover up my butt.  I pull pants from the rack and can't believe that they will button around my waist. 

My geography is changing and I need to relearn it.  In some ways it's what I expected.  In others, it's nothing that I expected.  I expected less weight and slimmer body, but I did not count on my thighs retaining more skin.  I did not count on the wonderful muscles in my arms, but I also didn't thing I'd have that much skin waving long after I stopped.  And in some ways, I feel as though I learn my geography and in the next instant something changes it and I have to relearn what I have just learned.

So whether you're big or small or in between, I challenge you to think about your body.  Learn it.  Love it as it is and consider how you can change what you have the ability to change.