Mayhem

I'm currently sitting in my office at home with not one, but two sleepy puppies behind me.  Nico the wonder schnauzer that I'd talked about before...my baby, my first born, my spoiled little office mate doggie.  And Pepper:

She's cute, right?  We're puppy-sitting for some friends; the wife has been sick and needs some rest.  Oh my gosh I could eat up this little black face and puppy breath and big paws and long waggy tail.  But...she should really be called Mayhem.

She's peed everywhere.  Just when you think that her tiny little bladder should be empty, she pees on a shoe.  She's pooed in almost every room.  She's dragged toilet paper through the hall and down sthe stairs while eating it.  She's removed stuffing from 3 animals and tried to lunch on it.  She's kocked over a side talbe full of things and gotten her color wrapped up in it, dragging it to the other room while barking.  She's escaped the snow walls Pete put in place for Nico in the yard.  She's tried to bite my nose off and suckled Pete's nose in the middle of the night.  I'm sure there is more, but that is the last 48 hours.

But then, the little cutie does stuff like sppon my dog while sleeping and all that stuff I just listed is wiped away.  Until the next time she tries to eat my earlobe and earrings.

205.2; On Blogging

I realized not long ago that I've been blogging off and on for about 10 years.  Mostly I started for me, to record the things that were happening inn my life for myself.  It wasn't public and I was my only reader.  At some point I decided to take the plunge to make it public.  I remember thinking how scared I was to do that and open myself up to criticism.  At that point I was big into scrapbooking/paper crafting and I belonged (actually still belong) to a big name website.  Bloggers who opened up their blogs to the women on that site were ripped apart.  But I got over my fears and just did it.

My blog has been a record for everything from dating to meeting Pete to wedding planning, to family issues, to losing weight to my surgery.  It's a record of what I've gone through in the last 10 years and just as life changes, so does the focus of my blog.  I've designed it myself (I am a horrendous designer), I've used free templates and most recently I've used Hubby Jack.  He is a much better designer than I am, by far.  I'd totally recommend him if you're looking for some design. 

In the last couple of years I've thought more about how I could help people with my blog.  First with losing weight and having a gastric band and now with being a Previvor and my mastectomy.  I've also thought about how my connections with friends over the Internet are very important to me.  I've had great friends over the Internet for 7-8 years that have sustained me through hard times and rejoiced with me in good times.

So, with that, I joined a couple of swaps.  I love learning about how/why other people blog and learning more about blogging.  I joined Brew Mama's Fall Swap.  My partner is Getz Girl On Fire.  And holy buckets, her running photo is fierce!  She's obviously determined to re4ach her goals and that's very cool.  I'm finding out more about her and we have some pretty cool things in common:  she's crazy about her pups like I am with mine, she loves her Keruig like I love mine and we both like to cook and stalk Food Network Celebs!  I'm a bit jealous of her wonderful friends and their great trips.  Those friend connections are what makes life and making memories on those trips just solidifies the friendship even further.  So go check her blog out!

???: Monday, Another Day Recovering

Let's recap, shall we?

Thursday I got up and went to the gym.  Yay Me!  I walked for 30 minutes at a 3-3.5 with an incline of 1.  Then I walked 5 minutes at a 2.5 with an incline of 7.  Burned 250 calories and felt great.  I came home, ate lunch and went to the doctor.  I'm progressing exactly as I should.  I have a spot under my left foob that isn't healing, but it's ok.  I have the lump above my left foob that isn't getting better; in fact he still thinks it's a blood clot because if it was inflamed tissue and fat it would have gone away by now.  And my foobs are lopsided; lefty is hanging a little low.  But, all of this will be cleared up in 4 weeks when I go in for my fake nipples; which shall be known as fipples from here on out.  This surgery is about 2 hours in length and will be a same day surgery.  It should happen 3 days after I'm scheduled to return to work full time.

After he doctor, I hung out in the area and waited for the Farmers Market to open.  I got some German pretzels for Pete, some heirloom cherry tomatoes, basil bunch, heirloom colored beans, local sweet corn and local/single source honey.  That honey?  Oh My Gosh.  Buckwheat, full flavor, nutty, intense honey.  I've been putting it on everything and mixing it in everything I can think of.  I'll definitely be going back for more.

Friday.  Friday sucked.  I used the heart rate monitor and a sports bra when I was at the gym.  The ribs under my foobs felt like they were being poked all.the.time.  I forget that they took parts of ky ribs out when they did surgery for blood supply.  And that's the day I noticed lots of little ends of stitches poking out everywhere.  I have about 5 of them between my foobs.  They get caught on things and poke my skin.  I was sore and ended up doing much of nothing.

Saturday a friend picked me up to take me to where Pete was camping with our motorcycle club.  We left about 11 am and didn't get home until 8pm.  I was exhausted, tired, sore and worn out.  I loved being in public and with friends and getting out of the house.  But it just knocked me out.  I'm still tired today and I did nothing Sunday other than relax and rest.

Sunday I watched all 3 Toy Story movies.  I'm 43 and I still love those movies!

Today?  Monday?  I'm a slug again.  I have no energy and I'm just tired.  I think being outside all day on Saturday got my allergies in high gear and my throat is sore.  I'm still trying to recover physically.  Mentally I want ot be back out in the community, doing things again.  I want to head back to the gym and be active and start losing weight again. 

I have high hopes for Tuesday....

The Kindness of Friends

(I'm blaming the muscle relaxer, this posted already and I can't figure out if it's me or the site...Oh well.)

I joked before surgery that my recovery would be filled with Pete's dinners of eggs or eggs and grits.  He can cook, and cook very well.  The thing is that he doesn't know what to put together, without some help from me, about what is in the house or what fits together.

Friday my coworker friend brought over several meals for Pete and I.  I was humbled beyond words.  Humbled.  This is an awesome show of support and love from people I interact with daily.  They mean much more to me than simply co worker.

 

This is a rhubarb cake.  Pete drooled when he saw it.  I'd show you the wonderful Asian letter wraps that came with this, but we inhaled them before I thought about it.

 

This is a wild rice soup and a Mexican casserole.  I love that the soup is frozen, because there is no way to eat all this food before it spoils.  The Mexican casserole I actually split and froze a portion also.  Yummy!

 

Taco Pasta.  This is my kryptonite.  This is the salad that I long for from the deli.  And I had to restrain myself to not dig in as soon as I saw it.

 

 

 

 

Chicken Tortilla Soup.  Lovely, spicy and full of veggies.  There was 1/2 gallon of it and thankfully I could freeze some of this too.

My co workers are more than that, they're friends.  Friends who listened to me through this.  Supported me when I was down and needed to vent at work.  Who cover my job function while I'm out.  Who email me little tidbits to keep me informed.  They are good friends.  And I appreciate them like none other.

 

Monday; Better Late Than Never

My life in photos:

My meds and vitamins/supplements.  Some of them are regular meds for TMJ issues and pain management.  Some of the are vitamins/supplements that I usually take.  I have pain meds from surgery, a couple of meds to help relax muscles and some to help me sleep.

Gifts and cards from friends.  I have some wonderful friends who have brightened my days.  There's a crocheted infinity scarf from a friend and a shirt and some cards from family members.

My world.  I covered the pleather recliner so it was more comfortable.  I use the fan at night to help buffer sounds and let me sleep.  I have my netbook, my Nook, my phone, magazines and some crochet I started.  I've managed to read a whole book, but up until a couple of days ago, I didn't have enough concentration to stay focused long enough to read.  The crochet helps work my chest muscles little by little.  The rest is just to keep me occupied.  TV is starting to feel like it's draining my brain cells and I need something to exercise my brain.

There it is, my life, currently.

Friday Five; Random Edition

1.  This was a hard week, but I got through it.  With love, support, a bit of chocolate cake, motorcycle rides and my husband.

2.  I got up this morning at 7am.  I have a 20 minute drive and have to be to work at 8am.  Surprisingly I was on time.  But I almost went to work with black & white top, red scarf and blue capris.  Good think I looked at myself in the car before I drove off so I could change.

3.  We are leaving for a weekend with the motorcycle club at noon.  I'm so excited to sleep outside, do some riding and catch up with friends. 

4.  My band area seems to have settled down.  But I seem to have a bit of acid reflux when I eat and sugar on an empty tummy is no bueno.

5.  Love on someone this weekend.  Hug them, give them a peck, give a smile or something to show love.  It's my assignment for you...

192; It's a Good Day

Remember tomorrow I'm going to announce my first giveaway!  Yikes!

So yesterday I spend the afternoon with a friend I've had for a long time.  And while we talked about our college days, we also talked about her daughter's first year of college.  Then I felt old.  But we laughed and smiled and had a good time.  She says that as soon as we started making plans to get together she knew that something was up.  Either I was moving or pregnant or divorcing or something.  Funny how friends sense that.

I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening, relaxing and reading with the dog.  Pete had plans.  It was a great day that I started out at the gym.  It feels good when I get there, it's just that getting there is harder than it has been.  Truth:  while Pete was gone I had a light dinner.  But then directly afterwards I had 2 small scoops of ice cream with a spoon of fudge sauce and PB chips.  I felt guilty immediately afterwards.

This morning I got to work and finished up a few things.  Then my boss told me that my laptop was in already.  Which means that as of tomorrow I am teleworking.  I am excited.  I want to go home and rearrange the extra bedroom for my office and get set up.  You can bet that tomorrow morning as soon as the IT guy leaves my office I'll be headed home to set up and start working.  Too bad that I Thursday is my day to answer incoming calls and next Monday starts my 3 weeks of officer of the day duties.  But it will be nice to have it set up prior to returning after surgery.  Then I can be sure to have it there when I feel like working for the first few weeks.

Remember to come back tomorrow for Weigh In Wednesday and my Giveaway!

; Friday Five, The Random Edition (link up!)

I found another blogger who does Friday Fives!  So I'm linking up with The Good Life Blog for this post.

1.  I am freaking excited because I'm going to host my first giveaway next week.  I'm a giveaway virgin and I can't wait to explain it all to you on June 12th.

2.  A CT Scan with Contrast is yucky.  Trust me.  It's not the scan it's self, it's the contrast solution that gives you this lovely metallic taste for hours.  Maybe it's a new way to stop me form eating?

3.  I'm in love...with this product:

Naked Skin by Urban Decay

I have oily skin and have been using the primer from Smashbox for years and it's worked great.  But with the new BB creams that have been coming out I realized that I wanted something with tint.  So a trip to Sephora and a wonderful girl helping me out and I have a new favorite primer.

4.  Rings. 

Watch: Target, Leather bracelet: Kohls, Gold bracelet: long ago gift from parents, Wedding rings: Kay Jewelers both from the case and custom, Heart rings:  Kohls

Can you see all those rings on my wedding ring finger?  They are an attempt to make it so that my wedding rings don't fall off on me.  I'm not quite there for getting them resized because I'll only have 1 chance.  So I've been wearing other rings to hold them on, but those rings are too big too.  I feel naked without my rings (anyone else feel that way?  Or is it just me?)  I need to find a single band that is my size that I can wear.  Trouble is that I'm a 5.25 or 5.5 and those aren't found in department stores and I don't want to spend a bunch of money at a jeweler.

5.  I'm meeting one of my college friends on Monday for lunch.  She is a teacher/administrator who lives about 3 1/2 hours from me.  We don't see each other often, but when we get together a few times a year, it's like we were last together yesterday.  Do you have friends like that?  This is us last June for her daughter's high school graduation. (I'm so freaking old that I have friends who's children have completed school!  Is 43 old?)

Stacy and I, summer 2012.  College room mates and forever friends.

Remember, I'd been riding a motorcycle for 3 hours at this point.  I'm so excited to see her!

193.4; Disconnected Brain

One of my co-workers had the Roux-N-Y surgery 4 weeks ago.  This is what people traditionally know as gastric bypass surgery.  They take your stomach out, create a pouch the size of your thumb and attach it to your small intestines.  He chose this for various reasons that I won't get into, because it's his story and he's not here to tell it. 

He returned to work yesterday about 36 pounds lost in 4 weeks.  He looks great and aside from trying to relearn how to eat, he feels great.  His learning to eat is vastly different from mine.  Yet we still share some common issues.  For instance there are times that I have to make myself drink water later in the day.  I feel so full from eating for so long, that I don't have the urge to drink.  He has the same issue.

(hold on while I take a huge gulp of my water)

We were talking yesterday about how the brain is so disconnected from the body.  He had a period of time where he was so tired of the soup that made up his whole diet that he didn't 'eat' for 2 days.  Our other co-worker was shocked that he didn't eat and asked him if he was hungry?

Now let me explain that this is an honest question.  It seems logical, right?  But in reality hunger is mostly gone for me and all gone for him.  His body does not signal him to eat, he has to remind himself to eat at times.  I can do the same.  There are weekends when I'll be busy with errands and groceries and other things and realize at dinner time that I haven't eaten anything. 

However, both his brain and my brain continually tell us to indulge.  It tells you to eat.  So snack.  To get that pizza.  To gorge on the chocolate.  But your body does not want it.  It's painfully obvious to me now, how disconnected by body is from my brain.  It wasn't just that my body wasn't signalling correctly, it's that my brain had no intention of reading my body's signals.

My brain & body have been so disconnected for so long, that there was no hope of them coming together without outside help.  This is powerful stuff.  This realization.  Even now I struggle with that brain disconnect telling me to eat.  I don't need it and don't want it but my brain, it's a superpower of the body and it makes it plainly clear that it has a goal. 

So while the band is a tool, it's my brain that I need to retrain. I need to learn to ignore my brain for now and listen to my body.  It's my body that I need to be accountable to, not the brain. 

Is your body connected to your brain well when it comes to food?

208.0; Weekend Picture Recap

My Neapolitan cake.  Verdict?  The guests loved it.  The vanilla cake was pretty tasteless and very dense.  It was much better paired with frosting though.  The chocolate layer needed more structure, it fell in the middle, but tasted awesome.  The strawberry layer was prefect and I'd make it again in a heartbeat.

My Dad and Pete shooting at the outdoor range.  The motorcycle club plans events and this was one on them.  We all had a great time.  I fired a black powder gun and a rifle for the first time.  Both were pretty cool!

My Dad shooting my uncle's rifle.  My uncle died suddenly when I as 20.  He was only 14 years older than me and I miss him.  I'm glad that I got to shoot his rifle.

Nico is an "aggressive chewer". He does it appropriately, but we go through bones like crazy.  So Pete thought this bone would last a while because he couldn't move it and would chew only when in the living room.  WRONG.  The 20 lb dog got the 4.5 lb bone up the stairs last night into our bedroom!

Celebrating Halloween

Weird huh?  I mean who celebrates Halloween?  Indulge me....

As a kid and even now as an adult, Halloween has always been special to me.  As a kid I'd come home from school and hurry up with any homework.  I'd don my homemade costume of a pioneer girl, Raggedy Ann, a M&M or whatever my Mom sewed for me.  We'd get into the car and drive a few miles to my Grandparent's house in town.  Not that we lived out of town, but they lived in a proper city with blocks close together and lots of neighbors. 

We'd arrive and as soon as we got out of the car my Grandma would fly out of the front door and tell us to pose for a picture.  When that was done we'd run inside to the smell of tacos.  When I was an adult I learned just how much taco meat my Grandma made; 10-15 pounds!  As a kid all I knew was that the smell of taco meat was enticing.  We didn't get tacos at home much because my Dad didn't like them.  It was also special because we got to make them ourselves with things like black olives, lots of cheese and crushed up Doritos for the shells.  We'd each make our dinner and head to the table to eat. 

Inevitably, while eating, the doorbell would start to ring, signalling the start of Trick of Treating.  We'd glance at all the costumes and eat quicker, knowing it was our turn next.  After saying hello to some of the neighbors that had dropped by to both see us and been seen with their grandkids, we'd head off to collect our share of candy.  Up one side of the street, down the other, over to the next block and do it again.  The pattern stayed the same every year.  And every year you could count the houses that would have "good" candy and "bad candy.

We'd return home with heavy plastic pumpkins or bulging plastic treat bags that snapped at the top.  The adults would ask if we had fun and which were the best costumes.  We'd yell as we ran through the house to the TV room in the back.  There we'd dump out the candy and finger it all.  Then we'd start picking out the best ones and the ones that we'd trade away for what we wanted.  Sated with candy, we'd sit back and watch the Peanuts Halloween or Charlie Brown Halloween cartoon.  Soon it would be time to go home and sleep.

As an adult I still love this day.  But for different reasons.  I love going to my Grandma's house early to help her set up the taco bar.  We sit and talk about life while chopping tomatoes and onions.  Once done we sit at the kitchen table, looking out the front window and waiting.  We wait for kids to come in cute costumes.  We wait for neighbors to come and catch up.  We wait for family to arrive with kids all excited.  About 15 years ago my Grandma was known for taking pictures of kids in cute costumes.  More recently she stopped because she was concerned that parents would be fearful of where to pictures went.

All night long we adults would sit, stand and hand out.  Kids would ring the doorbell and we'd take turns answering the door with the massive amount of candy that my Grandma buys.  Giving out one item and watching as Grandma opened the door and couldn't help but give out 2 or 3 when it was her turn.

My Grandma is 86, about to be 87 in January.  She's had some health scares in the last 18 months.  She had a stroke last year.  This year she's spent time in and out of the hospital and in a rehabilitative nursing home.  She's not able to host Halloween this year, even though it breaks her heart to break the tradition.  For me, it's a happy and sad time.  Happy because I still enjoy the Halloween spirit and I have a new puppy to dress up in costume (insert evil giggle).  Sad because this is the first year that I can remember not being at my Grandma's house the whole night.  My sister has decided to continue the tradition at her house, but it's not the same.  I'm planning on visiting my Grandma with the puppy in costume.  But it's just not the same.

So as many say in various times, hug your Family members and enjoy them in the here and now for you never know when it changes.  Happy Halloween to you and yours!

237 and Camping Success

This is my summer weekend home:

I'm always working on organizing to get away from the mess! 

Looking out the door from the bed.

It's a Time Out Camper.  It's about 5'x4' when it's folded up and Pete pulls it behind his motorcycle.  When it's folded out it's about 5'x14'.  It's pretty cool to think that we can put all the things that we need for a 2-3 week trip in that camper and on the motorcycles and just go.

We belong to a motorcycle club that id very different than the 'gangs' you see on TV.  Firstly, they allow women to become members.  I'm no one's property and I won't be part of an organization that doesn't allow women.  Secondly, they don't allow any drugs or alcohol.  Motorcyclng is dangerous as it is and I wasn't interested in being around a bunch of people who were drinking and getting on motorcycles next to me.  And the best part is that in this club Pete and I have found many great friends.

The club has many different chapters all over MN and WI.  During the summer each chapter plans and hosts a camping weekend.  It's awesome.  We see all kinds of places in MN, ride all over the state and have fun with these people.  So when I say that the camper is my weekend summer home I really mean it.  I think there are 2, maybe 3, weekends this summer that we aren't spending in the camper.  And I love it.  It relaxes me and chills me out and refreshes me and a whole host of other things.  I love sleeping next to Pete in the outdoors and hearing on the summer sounds of frogs and crickets and animals and seeing the stars and occasionally the lighting show from a passing storm.  I love it when it's warm and the windows stay open and when it's cold and we snuggle under the covers.

This weekend we did things a bit differently.  Usually the host chapter provides all the food, other than one big meal.  Only this means junk.  Candy, popcorn, Ho-Ho's, cookies, fried donuts, sodas, hot dogs, chili...  And in the past Pete and I joined right in.  We'd get up and go out for breakfast at 7 and spend all day eating junk.  Not this year.  I packed a cooler of bags of fresh fruit (THANK YOU COSTCO MEMBERSHIP!) like strawberries, kiwis, blueberries, grapes and watermelon.  I also had bags of shelled pistachios and mini peanut butter pretzels in 1 serving bags.  I had sugar free jello and puddings for Pete and greek yogurt for me.  We stuck to water and put the sugar free flavorings from Target in them.  And when we did go out to eat, Pete and I split meals to save calories and because really we don't need full meals. 

The result?  I lost weight over the weekend.  A pound, but still.  I'm so happy that this worked out. 

My Lack of Emotion

I spent an emotional weekend in Chicago.  The days leading up to it were busy and I was always running.  I don't think I had time to really think about what was going on.  In fact I think I spent the time leading up to is purposely busy and filled so that I wouldn't have to think about it.

Friday morning I was up and out the door by 4:30am.  Halfway down 494 to the airport I started crying.  The enormity of what was going to happen caught up with me.  Only I stuffed it down.  I made myself think happy thoughts and continued my drive.

When I got to Chicago, things were so spur of the moment that I was caught up in a whirlwind of following along and going with the group of 10 other women.  We did some touristy things like Navy Pier, walking in downtown Chicago and eating at Harry Carey's.  And still I did not let those emotions overtake me.

Friday night there were stories about Traci, the friend we lost.  There were stories about us and our seven years at Internet friends.  There were stories of how we saved each other, supported each other, loved each other and told each other the hard truths.  And I laughed and smiled and listened, but did not really feel.

Saturday night we had our memorial to Traci.  We each placed something in the time capsule.  We each sprinkled in some of her remains and planted a tree in her name.  And there were tears.  Lots of tears.  I shed a few, but not proportionally enough in relation to the situation.

I am struck by how powerful a group of women are.  Some of whom have never met in person.  Others who see each other regularly.  I'm awed by how much a part of my life they are and yet this is the first time that I've hugged them.  I'm amazed at how 11 women can come together and exist and be with each other when the relationship started online, continued on line and has existed for seven years.

And yet, I am saddened.  I feel as though I was so caught up in the whirlwind of it that I was never fully present in the moment.  I am saddened that for some reason I felt like I couldn't sit in my emotions.  I am upset that I didn't fully participate to the best of my ability.  And I am dumbfounded that I cannot figure out why I was like this.  Why did I not remember to fully live within the moment?  It's what is so very important to me in everything, why did I not do it?

And the bigger question - Why am I not living my life in the moment and giving myself the okay to feel the emotions in the situation and however they manifest on the outside and BE OKAY WITH IT?  I feel as though I need to figure this out to move forward with everything in life.  My relationships, my weight loss, my love, my family, my work...

This is my new challenge to myself.

Diary of A Planner

I'm a planner.  I like lists and organization and checking off lists.

So usually when I'm taking a trip or going out of town I have a list of things to do, things to get and things to pack.  I enjoy checking off each thing, one by one as I complete it or pack it.  I enjoy making sure that I have everything I need and relaxing the night before I leave.  I leave for Chicago tomorrow and would love to relax tonight.

Not gonna happen.  *sigh*

I spent last weekend baking for Easter and recovering from Easter and my weekly errands.  I spent Monday night baking for a work thing that we had Wednesday.  Tuesday night I worked late and then came home to finish the baking.  Yesterday I was up early to put it all together, worked, went home and had dinner with Pete.  Then I started randomly throwing things in a suitcase.  Add in the tidbit that I have been so busy at work the last week that I don't seem to have 5 minutes to myself.

What usually happens when I don't plan is that I have a lot of random crap and I way over pack.  So instead of watching American Idol with Pete, I listened to it last night and went from bedroom to bedroom trying to plan on the fly and packing.  I think I have 5 tops and one pair of pants for my 2 night trip.  See, what I mean?  Not a good thing.

So I'm getting off work a couple of hours early tonight.  My goal is to shop for the few things that I still need, eat dinner with Pete, finish packing and give myself a mani/pedi.

We'll see how it goes.

I talk it, but can I live it?

I worked so hard to figure out how to live my life. It's not an easy thing for everyone to do and it takes work and practice and really living to figure out how to be happy sometimes. For me, it was in my 30's that I realized that I cannot make everyone happy. I have to make me happy and hope that others are happy for me.

This past weekend I was forced to consider if I could accept that from others. It seems simple, doesn't it? You make yourself happy and everyone else does the same and everyone is happy. Right? Nope. I've come to realize that sometimes the thing that makes me happy, makes others very unhappy, sad, disappointed or hurt. So how do a rectify the situation? I end up going back to the fact that I have to make myself happy and worry less about others.

It's hard though, being on the other end of it. It's hard not judging because it's not what you would do. It's hard thinking that your feelings aren't most important to others. I need to accept it though. I need to live it, if I can preach about it.

So I've figured out again that I need to make myself happy. I need to do whatever it is that makes me safe and happy and worrry less about others.

*sigh*

I have to say that Traci's funeral was wonderful. I am incredibly pissed off at myself for not coming to Chicago to see her when I could hug her, see her smile and hold her hand. But I shall get over it. It's just that from now on, when the opportunity presents it's self, I'll be sure to take it.

Nicole from our message board wrote a lovely letter and Beth read it. It shared the relationship that we had with her. Then people started coming up to talk about Traci. They were stories of fun and laughter, just like Traci. There were others who were there who had never met her, except on message boards and gamming sites. There was her boss who talked about her avility to make the most mundane tasks fun and interesting. And afterwards, people were cming up to Beth comlpimenting her and the group of women.

And it made me think.

We hold a special relationship. We've known each other for 6 years or so. That's a lot of time. And even though it's mostly through technology, it's still a valid relationship. The internet, for all it's problems, has also created wonderful things. And this was a true testiment to that.

So now everyone goes back to their lives, a little sad, a little changed. We settle in and are more aware of the fragile life. We understand that the friendships are forever and that we need to feed them by any means to keep them alive. And we remember.

I keep thinking things like "What World Shimmy Do?" or WWSD? *giggle* She'd like that. I also keep thinking of the play Our Town and how the woman looks back to when she was 12, after she has passed away. I sense a Shimmy on my shoulder at times. Pushing, giggling, instigating and supporting me.

Crying and laughing

I've been doing a lot of both the last few days. Mostly I feel like I am searching for something and I can't quite find it. I guess it would help if I knew what I was searching for.

At any rate I am off tomorrow to go to Chicago for Traci's funeral. I could kick myself silly for not making time to get there before this. But I'm going now. Never take it for granted, ok?

And if you could, keep Alison in your prayers. She has to have surgery tomorrow on her teeth. She's 7 and has permanent teeth that are stuck because the baby teeth won't fall out. Poor kid is going to be in some pain.

Don't Postpone Joy

Thursday night I was laying in bed watching TV with Pete. My phone rang and a woman said "Hi this is Becky." My mind searched for a Becky and I told her that I didn't know anyone by that name and she must have the wrong number. Then she called me my message board name.
So while my mind was still trying to recover from that she said "Traci is dead, she was hit by a train." My heart dropped. I was in disbelief and I froze. She started explaining and then had to go after asking me to post the news on the message board we're a part of. I hung up and stared at my phone. I tried to explain to Pete what happened and stared. I went on the message board and sat there, refreshing the page. I was sure that it was a hoax, so I waited about 15 minutes before I finally decided it wasn't a hoax and I needed to post the news.

That was 4 days ago. I still can't look at or hear a train without getting sick to my stomach. I know that I need to ride one soon though so that I can get over that feeling. I can't bear to see her smiling profile picture on Facebook without crying. I think it's because I can hear her smile. So I keep looking at it. I pull out the black boots that I have from the closet and stare at them because she loved boots and they remind me of her. I drank a nice dark beer Friday night in her honor, she would have been proud.

Oh yeah, I've never shook her hand, gave her a hug or looked at her eye to eye. All of our interactions have been through mail, email, texting, calls or the private message board we belong to. I can honestly say that if it wasn't for her and the other friends I have on there, I would not have gotten through some of the toughest times at work and in my personal life in the last 6 years.



I don't know what else to say about her. If you want to read about her go here or My Eclectic Mess or Camp Chaos or her finace's blog at Rockbottom To Redemption . You'll see that she was much loved and will be greatly missed. I keep thinking that I suddenly get this great inspiration to write something that will be all healing to everyone. To her fiance, to her 18 year old son, to her soon to be bonus kiddos, to her friends. But nothing seems comforting. Nothing seems to fill in that place that was her.

My one saving grace in this is that is was happy. She had her ups and downs in the years that I've known her. Some really really ups and some really bad downs. Last Thursday she was happy. I can only hope that she is at peace and that someday the rest of us will find peace too.

Karma bites and I shouldn't feel guilty about it

First let me say that I think I have opened this blogger page to add an entry about 4 times in the last week. I just drew a blank everytime I opened it. I'd close it out, and then while waiting to fall asleep I'd think of something cool to write about. Only it was gone by morning. Oh well, easy come, easy go...
***************************************

I had a best friend in high school. She was the opposite of me (I wonder if opposite friends attract like oppostie couples?) I was shy and sweet and a little innocent. She was outgoing, loud, bright and fun to be around. But our friendship worked. We hung out doing everything together - sports, classes, summers... Then we decided to go to the same college and live together. She was what I thought would be my forever friend. The friend that you'd have at 60 who knew everything about you.

Only it wasn't meant to be. What I can see now that I'm removed from it all, is that she wasn't a nice person. She'd do things to get ahead that were cruel and mean.

One summer I told her about the job application I put in and the intereview I had at a shop near my home. She asked more about it, in what I thought was happiness for me. Well I never got called about the job after the interviewer said that I was perfect for it. And a short time later, my friend was always busy. Turns out she applied for the job after I did, sweet talked her way in and worked there for the summer. I ended up getting a job that was a little farther away from home, but paid a little more. When the job she had quit, saying, 'didn't work out' I suggested her for an opening where I worked. She started working, but then quit because 'it wasn't working out'.

In college she would meet new people easily and I'd end up hanging around them too. I found out that she was talking behind my back to a lot of them. We'd go to different dorms and she'd party (I didn't drink then) it up. When it was time to go home I'd help her get safely home across campus. Only she was verbally and physically abusive. She'd yell at me for telling her what to do. She'd hit, punch and kick me. One time she tried slamming my arm in a heavy door. I had bruises for weeks. She'd apologize the next morning.

She'd have her boyfriend in our room constantly. His roommate didn't like her so they were always over at our room. They'd being doing the deed all. the. time. Finally one night I asked her not to keep doing that and she said it was her room too. She and said boyfriend ruined many a quilt of mine in their nightly sessions by using it to clean up with. Yuk. But she'd deny it to my face and say that it must have been something I'd spilled on it.

She read my journal. Then deicded to use the things in their against me. She told everyone about it in the dining hall one day when I wasn't there. She was mostly mad that I knew that her boyfriend slept with another friend of ours before they became exclusive. She confronted that friend in a big group one day - turning her anger on her, instead of the boyfriend.

She never came back to school second year. We had planned to live together, only she never showed up and never told me why. Then she called asking me to keep an eye on her boyfriend.

I had it by then. I was done. College went on and I made many friends and had a great time and graduated. Then moved home again to job seek. I'd run into her or her family now and then, but they'd snub me. At one point I felt like I never ever got to say to her all the things that she did hurt me. I never got to tell her how badly she treated me. And I never got to tell her that I must have done some things wrong too and was sad that the friendship ended like it did. I sent her that in a letter. And never heard from her.

Karma's a bitch

This friend is in the news. Like on the TV at 10pm in the news. She's a high school teacher for a living. And she reportedly harassed a student about his supposed sexual orientation. The sad part is that I can see her saying the things that were reported. I can see the sneer on her face. The smile on her lips and the tilt of her head. Maybe because I've been the person on the other end of that, way back then. Maybe it's because I can still feel the sharp sting of the inmpact of her words. Maybe it's because I'm a wee bit happy that she is finally getting something for what she did to me.

And there is the guilt. In no way should I be happy about someone else's misfortune. But a small part of me does.

Picture Post

The beautiful place we stayed at while at the Lake of the Ozarks. We had the whole top floor. It was spacious inside and bigger than our townhouse at home! Although much more dangerous to get to.

This is the wonderful view from the deck at the condo. The best part? No mosquiots. I'd love to sit out at night and watch the sun set to this. It was equally beautiful in the morning. Most mornings when we were there it was foggy and we watched the sun burn off the fog.



This is me. Somewhere in Missouri. Obviously pre-accident. I was having such a good time. It's incredibly powerful to know that you've driving a motorcycle across a whole state in one day. It was beautiful out and I was loving the time we were spending riding with the new places to see.


Pete and his 'happy place'. I think this was a huge stress reliever for Pete. He was so wound up from the accident and feeling guilty and trying to make sure that I was ok. He needed an outlet to have fun in. This did it. He took one round in that car and the smile never left his face from then on. He was like a little kid. It was so cool to see him like that and I'm glad that he got to enjoy some of his vacation.

Pete's bike - after his bike troubles. The shifter broke - the spline stripped away. So he has one vicegrips on the stripped control and one attached to that vicegrip. The only bad thing about it was that he had to shift his whole body over to the right and then his hip back to the left to shift. It was tiring for me so I'm going to have to go with it was tiring for him also.

So that's some of the fun we had in the Ozarks. I'd go back. But I'd go in a car and in the fall sometime to see the leaves change.