207; Admitting Defeat

If I'm nothing else here, I'm honest about what's going on in my life.  I want to know a year from now that I got through this and how I did it.  So I'm saring the darker side of me, recording it all here.  I'm hopeful that I can come back to this and see how far I've come.

My plastic surgeon thinks that my left nipple will heal ok.  He thinks that the healing that I see as problematic is normal and I just need to ride it out.  If something does happen, he can create a new one.  And with that I am at once relieved and angry.  I'm angry that I lost part of it and that it's just ok.  I'm relieved that I'm not losing more of it.  This is not how I imagined recovery.

He also shot up the scar on my chest with cortisone.  He says that he uses a tiny needle so it doesn't hurt.  But damn, did that little needle hurt and the solution hurt going in.  It feels like there is constant pressure on my sternum normally and with that it was very irritated. 

I still have to keep all my scars covered with tape, a silicone pad or this Scar Guard product that I brush on.  I make raised, red, unappealing scars.  Just another notch in the bedpost of things that didn't go as planned with surgery. 

Yesterday when I got home from the doctor's appointment I was mentally exhausted.  I had a headache, my chest hurt and all I wanted to do was sleep.  My insomnia has been rearing it's ugly head and I'm averaging about 3-4 hours a night.  Even though my "office" is in the bedroom across the hall from mine, it was to far away yesterday.  The thought of pushing the button to turn on the computer was more that I could physically do.  The idea that I'd have to use my brain for something other than sleep and taking migraine meds was impossible.  So I didn't.

When Pete got home, I had been laying in bed, sleeping off and on and taking migraine meds.  He asked me how I was doing and paused.  He finally asked if I thought that I was depressed.  He says that I'm holding back with him and not telling him what's going through my head.  It makes him feel like an outsider in my world.  This is not my intention and I got angry.  I believe that potentially, if I say all these things out loud they are true.  And having them be true is scary.  Very scary.

So I made an appointment with my doctor today about my insomnia, my migraines and to talk about the possibility that I am depressed.  I admit defeat in this emotional battle of being a Previvor and having surgery.  Defeat.

Fish Check

Or as Pete says, "How are the kids?" LOL

One fish has been staring me down for about an hour. I'm weirded out forst of all that I noticed it. Secondly wondering if they see things in single vision like we do or double given that they have eyes on either side of the body. Thirdly, is it like dogs who stare at you to beg when they're hungry?

Anyway, this is the first weekend they'll be alone. I hope they're ok. The building hsa teh air mizers turned off about 3pm each week day and they stay off all weekend. Wouldn't be bad, but I'm on the top floor and it's sweltering in my office on the weekends. When we were here setting it up it was about 86 degrees on the thermometer. Good thing they're tropical fish, right? I experimented and filled the tank up to the bottom of the cover with water this afternoon. I want to see howmuch is gone by Monday morning.

So have a good weekend!

ps....it's still staring.

It's a whole new office...kind of

My office at work is on the top floor of the building. It's a weird "T" shape in that I have dormer windows in the middle of the office (outside wall of course) and right across from that is the door. On the sides I have little cubbie holes that hold a small table. One side has a bookshelf in it, the other a table with my little fridge/coffee maker/microwave.

I have my desk in the large area by the windows. Only the sun is horrid. I mean I love sunlight, don't get me wrong. It's the glare from the light on my computer screen or the glare from the snow bouncing in on my computer screen. It got so bad that I cleared out the bookcase cubbie hole and moved my desk & computer table in there. Ever glare screen, window share and other office supply didn't make a dent in the glare. And I was tired of coming home with a headache from squinting. Now that I think about it, I could have worn my sunglasses! LOL

This past weekend Pete and I came up to the office and made some changes. He put on antiglare window tinting. It's a static cling sheet that is really made for cars, but works well here. Then we moved my desk & computer back by the windows.

Then we did the fun stuff - set up the fishtank he gave me for Valentines Day. Today I have 6 tetras in it. 5 of them are orange and black. There is one lonely silver one that the guy at the store got in there. After his third try at getting the ones I wanted I told him to forget trying a 4th time and just leave it in there. But it's not schooling with the orange ones so I hope it's ok.

With these changes I feel like I have a whole new office!