After all that has gone on, where am I at?
Honestly...and I am going to be honest here...
I weighed myself today and I'm 226. My lowest ever was 188 and I was hanging around 192-195 for the first 6 months of 2013. I have 1 pair of work pants that I can get on, but they're so tight that I'm uncomfortable by the end of the day. I have 2 pair of jeans that fit me. I have 5 or 6 shirts that fit for wearing out. But mostly I wear yoga pants and old YMCA t-shirts.
I developed planter fascitis in my left foot. So running...nope. Walking...nope. Some days, by the end of the day I can barely walk on it. I'm trying to use the store bought inserts and being aware of my foot ware and doing the exercises I found on the net. The gym has been non existent.
Eating. Sigh. I am full out sugar addicted again. FULL OUT. Pete has done so well with his weight loss and is hovering at 162-167 with a really fast metabolism. He makes cookies about twice a week and keeps them on the counter. I try not to indulge and honestly he would stop if I asked, but I don't want my stuff to impact him. I try to have a green salad with lots of veggies and some protein in the form of hard boiled egg, cheese or tuna on it for lunch every day. So that's on target. But I'm not hungry for breakfast since I'm not at the gym and I struggle with what to eat. Dinner I'm pretty good also. It's the snacking. Licorice, cookies, cake, PB cups...snacking.
I still have days where I question the choices I made. There is a huge movement that says that doctors are 'pushing' mastectomies for people like me, when they're not really needed. The instance of cancer deaths is down, but there is testing that shows that the type of pre-cancer that I had, doesn't often turn into full blown breast cancer. The difference for me, is that I had the family history and the 60% chance of it actually going to cancer. Sometimes it's hard to look past the what ifs and just be at peace with my decision. The choices that I made had such an impact on so many aspects of my life and impacted Pete too. And I need to stress that he is supportive of whatever choice I wanted to make, but that's not to say that there were some negatives that came with it.
I'm so freaking frustrated with myself! My body image is bad again. I don't want to shop for clothes, that's why I haven't bought very much bigger things. Shopping isn't fun. In fact, I've walked in several stores, only to walk back out again because I don't have the mental fortitude to dig in and start trying on clothes. Not only have I gained weight, but my shape has changed again. I realize how small my hips had gotten when I lost weight. They're back to being big and it makes finding clothes really really hard (crying while writing this and thinking about it).
I've come to realize that what worked for me before in losing weight, isn't going to work now. And I'm pissed off that I have to figure out a new plan. Pissed. But sitting here and bitching about the whole thing isn't going to change it, is it? I need to figure out that plan. Soon.
Showing posts with label action plan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label action plan. Show all posts
Friday, May 09, 2014
Thursday, March 06, 2014
The Yoga Pants Did It
Where I work, we have to dress up. I'm not talking about suits or anything, but we can't wear jeans (other than Fridays), no sweatshirts, shorts, yoga pants... We are a unit that doesn't regularly meet with clients. For the most part. there is one person assigned to meet with clients in the office each day and that person should dress appropriately to do so. The rest of us either work from home or hibernate behind computers in our offices for work.
For years I've worked to get all of us to be able to wear jeans in the office. We wear badges to get between floors so we are identified as employees. But I'm met with a NO response each time. A little over a year ago, I realized that we are the only unit on our campus of 3 buildings that cannot regularly wear jeans. And yet some people seem to wear jeans regularly and not get called on it.
Over the years, while fighting for jeans, my co-workers would comment that I should be fighting for sweatpants, not jeans. I laughed and commented how my jeans were comfortable and I'd be ok with those and a nice top/sweater and jewelry to dress it up. I maintained that my jeans were as comfortable as my sweatpants.
Then I had surgery. Oh my how those yoga pants were AWESOME! And since I never really went back into the office and started working from home after surgery, I never went back to my work clothes. So imagine my surprise when I tried on my work clothes upon having to go into the office and they didn't fit. I was crushed about the weight gain and I've documented this.
So I've tried several things to get back to my healthy journey. But in that time, I keep wearing my yoga pants. And I'm starting to think that they are my downfall. I can't help but wonder if my weight gain wouldn't have gotten so out of control if I was wearing regular work pants or jeans on a regular basis and realize that they were getting tighter and tighter. Yoga pants just keep stretching and stretching.
So I've decided that my yoga pants are to blame for my weight gain...
This post is tongue in cheek...kind of.
For years I've worked to get all of us to be able to wear jeans in the office. We wear badges to get between floors so we are identified as employees. But I'm met with a NO response each time. A little over a year ago, I realized that we are the only unit on our campus of 3 buildings that cannot regularly wear jeans. And yet some people seem to wear jeans regularly and not get called on it.
Over the years, while fighting for jeans, my co-workers would comment that I should be fighting for sweatpants, not jeans. I laughed and commented how my jeans were comfortable and I'd be ok with those and a nice top/sweater and jewelry to dress it up. I maintained that my jeans were as comfortable as my sweatpants.
Then I had surgery. Oh my how those yoga pants were AWESOME! And since I never really went back into the office and started working from home after surgery, I never went back to my work clothes. So imagine my surprise when I tried on my work clothes upon having to go into the office and they didn't fit. I was crushed about the weight gain and I've documented this.
So I've tried several things to get back to my healthy journey. But in that time, I keep wearing my yoga pants. And I'm starting to think that they are my downfall. I can't help but wonder if my weight gain wouldn't have gotten so out of control if I was wearing regular work pants or jeans on a regular basis and realize that they were getting tighter and tighter. Yoga pants just keep stretching and stretching.
So I've decided that my yoga pants are to blame for my weight gain...
This post is tongue in cheek...kind of.
Wednesday, March 05, 2014
Ash Wednesday/The 40 Days of Lent
It's no secret, I often use the pressure of Lent to give up food things or try to be healthier. I believe that this is ok and I give myself permission to do so, knowing that a healthier me is a better me and that the spirit of Lent is represented in my struggle.
This year, my goal is to be more mindful of why I'm eating. Working from home, I have a whole kitchen at my disposal all. the. time. It's not like I can only bring my breakfast & lunch and I'm out of food. Well, I suppose I could if I locked myself in my extra bedroom/office. But that would mean that Pete would have to lock me inside from the outside. And that would be weird because I'd have no potty. I digress...
I created a little note in my phone, titled...Lent. (original!) My plan is that aside from meals, if I'm going to eat a 'snack', I need to log the time and what I'm feeling and if I still choose to snack. I need to be more mindful about what I'm snacking on and my feelings at the time. Snacking has been an issue for me in the past and continues to be. This strategy really helped me in the days leading up to surgery and after surgery.
It's the little things. The little things that add up to big things. Big changes and goals and dreams.
This year, my goal is to be more mindful of why I'm eating. Working from home, I have a whole kitchen at my disposal all. the. time. It's not like I can only bring my breakfast & lunch and I'm out of food. Well, I suppose I could if I locked myself in my extra bedroom/office. But that would mean that Pete would have to lock me inside from the outside. And that would be weird because I'd have no potty. I digress...
I created a little note in my phone, titled...Lent. (original!) My plan is that aside from meals, if I'm going to eat a 'snack', I need to log the time and what I'm feeling and if I still choose to snack. I need to be more mindful about what I'm snacking on and my feelings at the time. Snacking has been an issue for me in the past and continues to be. This strategy really helped me in the days leading up to surgery and after surgery.
It's the little things. The little things that add up to big things. Big changes and goals and dreams.
Tuesday, March 04, 2014
The Plan and Goals
When I detailed my plan last week I forgot to talk about a big part of it. Blogging.
Blogging and reading blogs is such a powerful motivator for me. I think that I tend to hibernate when things are going right and that's when I most need to reach out. I need to document the struggles that I have and go back to read them so I can see I am powerful and strong. I need to read the bloggers who motivated me before and find new ones to share my current struggles.
So along with the plan from last week, I plan on blogging regularly again.
Goals are important. Really important. I reached out Fabulous Check Gets Fit after seeing her posts on her Instagram. She reminded me that setting small goals to get that sense of accomplishment is important. We all want to feel like we are making accomplishments and this is one way to do that.
My goal is to lose 20 pounds. I honestly don't think that it will take more than about 6 months to do that once I start execising regularly and slowly returning to my healthier eating. I hope that the gym will start helping me with body image too and regaining the muscle that I've lost.
Along with goal setting, I personally feel like it should be connected to a reward. Small, medium or large, just not food related. I used to put money on the fridge that I could spend on clothes or pick out a new pan to cook with or more motorcycle riding gear. My goal for getting to under 200 was my ring tattoo for Pete. And I look at that infinity symbol and heart and rememeber that I CAN DO THIS.
So my goal for losing 20 pounds is another tattoo. In fact two of them. My fake nipple tattoos to finsh of my reconectruction. I have the name of the tattoo artist who comes highly recommended and the money set aside to get them done. That's my goal.
Blogging and reading blogs is such a powerful motivator for me. I think that I tend to hibernate when things are going right and that's when I most need to reach out. I need to document the struggles that I have and go back to read them so I can see I am powerful and strong. I need to read the bloggers who motivated me before and find new ones to share my current struggles.
So along with the plan from last week, I plan on blogging regularly again.
Goals are important. Really important. I reached out Fabulous Check Gets Fit after seeing her posts on her Instagram. She reminded me that setting small goals to get that sense of accomplishment is important. We all want to feel like we are making accomplishments and this is one way to do that.
My goal is to lose 20 pounds. I honestly don't think that it will take more than about 6 months to do that once I start execising regularly and slowly returning to my healthier eating. I hope that the gym will start helping me with body image too and regaining the muscle that I've lost.
Along with goal setting, I personally feel like it should be connected to a reward. Small, medium or large, just not food related. I used to put money on the fridge that I could spend on clothes or pick out a new pan to cook with or more motorcycle riding gear. My goal for getting to under 200 was my ring tattoo for Pete. And I look at that infinity symbol and heart and rememeber that I CAN DO THIS.
So my goal for losing 20 pounds is another tattoo. In fact two of them. My fake nipple tattoos to finsh of my reconectruction. I have the name of the tattoo artist who comes highly recommended and the money set aside to get them done. That's my goal.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
The Plan (version 2, or 200)
So I've posted a few times previously about a plan or action plan. I have a new version. A restart.
What I know:
My vitamins are on and off. I need to place them on my work desk so that they stare me in the face every morning and I take them more frequently.
Water. *sigh* Some days I can't get enough and some days I struggle. So I returned to some water additives to help. Pete is into juicing and sometimes I add some of the cucmber or fruit juices that he makes. Others, it's a natural ingredient crystal light with cane sugar/stevia or True Lime's BlackCherry Limeade.
Meals/Snacks are a struggle I'm fully willing to admit. Pete is down to about 160-165 and has stayed there for about 7-8 months. He works out enough and his metabolism is so high that he has been buying cookie dough, Oreos, ice cream, reeces PB cups and other crap. He eats and eats and doesn't gain. I will have a PB cup and a couple of cookies and it's all over for me. I need to stop. He is more than willing to not have the stuff in the house so that it's not tempting me, but I feel back and keep buying it for him. But it comes back to my CHOICES. I need to 'reset' my band and let the pouch above it shrink back down. So starting Sunday I'm going to drink Pete's Body by VI shakes for breakfast & lunch and then eat a clean meal of chicken/veg or salmon/veg for dinner for a week.
The gym. It's periods like now where it isn't my second home and I don't feel compfortable because I've gained weight that I struggle even going. My favorite instructor keeps telling me it's ok and I'll find my way back. It's people like her that make me love my local Y. Because I'm awkward running and scared of injuring myself in Body Pump, I've decided to branch out. I'v scheduled myself classes 3 days a week; Mondays is Water Execrise in the pool, Wednesdays is Standing Flow Stretching and Movement and Fridays I'll try Body Pump with a bar only, no weight.
That's the new plan.
What I know:
- I currently weigh 224 pounds
- I'm not currently going to the gym
- Running is still awkward given my new body shape and anything less than running on that treadmill is frustrating.
- I'm afraid to go back to Body Pump because of the loss of muscle and change in my body.
- I'm eating more disordered meals and snacks.
- I'm having issues with insomnia again which cause an inability to get up early for the gym.
- I work from home most the time and wear stretchy clothes because none of my other clothes fit.
- No electronics after 9:30pm
- Take vitamins and minerals daily.
- 100 ounces of water daily.
- No carbonated drinks.
- 3 clean meals and 2 planned snacks
- Gym, 3 days a week.
My vitamins are on and off. I need to place them on my work desk so that they stare me in the face every morning and I take them more frequently.
Water. *sigh* Some days I can't get enough and some days I struggle. So I returned to some water additives to help. Pete is into juicing and sometimes I add some of the cucmber or fruit juices that he makes. Others, it's a natural ingredient crystal light with cane sugar/stevia or True Lime's BlackCherry Limeade.
Meals/Snacks are a struggle I'm fully willing to admit. Pete is down to about 160-165 and has stayed there for about 7-8 months. He works out enough and his metabolism is so high that he has been buying cookie dough, Oreos, ice cream, reeces PB cups and other crap. He eats and eats and doesn't gain. I will have a PB cup and a couple of cookies and it's all over for me. I need to stop. He is more than willing to not have the stuff in the house so that it's not tempting me, but I feel back and keep buying it for him. But it comes back to my CHOICES. I need to 'reset' my band and let the pouch above it shrink back down. So starting Sunday I'm going to drink Pete's Body by VI shakes for breakfast & lunch and then eat a clean meal of chicken/veg or salmon/veg for dinner for a week.
The gym. It's periods like now where it isn't my second home and I don't feel compfortable because I've gained weight that I struggle even going. My favorite instructor keeps telling me it's ok and I'll find my way back. It's people like her that make me love my local Y. Because I'm awkward running and scared of injuring myself in Body Pump, I've decided to branch out. I'v scheduled myself classes 3 days a week; Mondays is Water Execrise in the pool, Wednesdays is Standing Flow Stretching and Movement and Fridays I'll try Body Pump with a bar only, no weight.
That's the new plan.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
*sigh* here's the deal...
Long time no...write. Right?
Here's the deal. I'm sort of disillusioned with my life at the moment. And I struggle and fight to figure out how to get back to me. I try new things, I try old things and nothing seems to work. I know where I want to be and what I want my life to look like and it's just not happening right now.
I heard someone recently say that not every journey has a end. It made me pause. It make me think. For all the talking that I've done about lifestyle changes to create a healthier me, I think I expected my journey to end. Not that it wouldn't be a change, but that the struggle of how to lose weight would end.
Between October 2010 and April of 2013 I lost weight. And this is not to say that the journey during that time wasn't a struggle, because it was. It definately was. There were ups and downs and detours. But for the most part, I had a plan, I had goals and I had a strategy.
In April I had my abnormal biopsy and things shifted. I wasn't as goal oriented in losing weight. I was goal oriented in finding out a plan to deal with what could be breast cancer. The shift was needed. It's not a positive shift, but a needed shift. I went into survival mode. Survival mode meant that I ended up at the gym less, ate about the same, but indluged in a few comfort foods that I had given up. Between April and July I gained 5 pounds. But (you knew there was a but, right?) I was okay with this. My close still fit, I had a great/growing muscle tone and I wasn't making large shifts in what I was doing to be healthy.
My plan was to have surgery and return to the previous plan of healthy living. And the absolute truth is that the plan did not work. There were detours, setbacks, mental health issues and other things that derailed my plan. So I took even more time off to deal with the physical and psychological issues. Again, my plan was to start back with the healthy living plan once I addressed those things.
My final truth? The plan that worked for me before isn't working. The healthy eating habits and gym habits aren't working. Either because I can't find my way back to them, or I need to figure out modifications to them that work for me HERE AND NOW. I need to find a new plan. Here's the thing that is so depressing about this. I can go back to what was working for me. But I can't go back to what was working for me in April 2013. I need to go back further to about March/April 2012. I need to go back when I was about 30 pounds heavier (yep - ouch). I need to resume some restristive eating to allow my gastric band to work better. I need to give myself the GRACE to make better CHOICES and go back to what was working for me 2 years ago in an attempt to start the weight loss process again. For that's truly what this is. A restart after a year off.
There. I said it all.
Here's the deal. I'm sort of disillusioned with my life at the moment. And I struggle and fight to figure out how to get back to me. I try new things, I try old things and nothing seems to work. I know where I want to be and what I want my life to look like and it's just not happening right now.
I heard someone recently say that not every journey has a end. It made me pause. It make me think. For all the talking that I've done about lifestyle changes to create a healthier me, I think I expected my journey to end. Not that it wouldn't be a change, but that the struggle of how to lose weight would end.
Between October 2010 and April of 2013 I lost weight. And this is not to say that the journey during that time wasn't a struggle, because it was. It definately was. There were ups and downs and detours. But for the most part, I had a plan, I had goals and I had a strategy.
In April I had my abnormal biopsy and things shifted. I wasn't as goal oriented in losing weight. I was goal oriented in finding out a plan to deal with what could be breast cancer. The shift was needed. It's not a positive shift, but a needed shift. I went into survival mode. Survival mode meant that I ended up at the gym less, ate about the same, but indluged in a few comfort foods that I had given up. Between April and July I gained 5 pounds. But (you knew there was a but, right?) I was okay with this. My close still fit, I had a great/growing muscle tone and I wasn't making large shifts in what I was doing to be healthy.
My plan was to have surgery and return to the previous plan of healthy living. And the absolute truth is that the plan did not work. There were detours, setbacks, mental health issues and other things that derailed my plan. So I took even more time off to deal with the physical and psychological issues. Again, my plan was to start back with the healthy living plan once I addressed those things.
My final truth? The plan that worked for me before isn't working. The healthy eating habits and gym habits aren't working. Either because I can't find my way back to them, or I need to figure out modifications to them that work for me HERE AND NOW. I need to find a new plan. Here's the thing that is so depressing about this. I can go back to what was working for me. But I can't go back to what was working for me in April 2013. I need to go back further to about March/April 2012. I need to go back when I was about 30 pounds heavier (yep - ouch). I need to resume some restristive eating to allow my gastric band to work better. I need to give myself the GRACE to make better CHOICES and go back to what was working for me 2 years ago in an attempt to start the weight loss process again. For that's truly what this is. A restart after a year off.
There. I said it all.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Counseling; Day One
So today is day 3 on an antidepressant and day 1 of counseling.
The antidepressant is going to take some getting used to and some time to build up in my body. The first day I took it in the morning at the suggestion of the pharmacist. It made me sleepy and it really made me nauseated for about 4 hours. No good. So I started taking it at night. It's working better. But last night I woke up in the middle of the night extremely thirsty. I drank water but it made my stomach worse and I was awake for a bit.
All morning I kept telling myself I was dumb for scheduling counseling; I really didn't need counseling. Then I wondered if the emotional crying and stuff was simply my normal menstrual cycle? After all the signs that I used to have are gone/changed since surgery and I have a harder time knowing my body signals.
Pete pointed out to me that I tend to want things to fit in categories, be specific. Not everything can be categorized. Maybe some of my anxiety and issues with this is that I can't categorize it all. He's s smart man and I realized that maybe he's right. I may not fit in a category, but it doesn't mean I'm not part of of the larger group.
Today's counseling session was spent learning my story, my family history and my life. At the end she asked me to think of goals that I'd like to work towards so that I know when I'm making progress. She also commented that I'm pretty hard on myself and I should think about interrupting the negative self talk and allowing myself grace. When she said that I about fell to the floor. It was like she knew that I was trying to live in grace for 2013. It was some confirmation that maybe things do happen for a reason and choosing that word was no accident for 2013.
So I'm going to keep a note on my phone and start recording some of the goals I want to achieve and where I want to see myself. Some of the things I'd like to learn and how I can be a better version of me.
The antidepressant is going to take some getting used to and some time to build up in my body. The first day I took it in the morning at the suggestion of the pharmacist. It made me sleepy and it really made me nauseated for about 4 hours. No good. So I started taking it at night. It's working better. But last night I woke up in the middle of the night extremely thirsty. I drank water but it made my stomach worse and I was awake for a bit.
All morning I kept telling myself I was dumb for scheduling counseling; I really didn't need counseling. Then I wondered if the emotional crying and stuff was simply my normal menstrual cycle? After all the signs that I used to have are gone/changed since surgery and I have a harder time knowing my body signals.
Pete pointed out to me that I tend to want things to fit in categories, be specific. Not everything can be categorized. Maybe some of my anxiety and issues with this is that I can't categorize it all. He's s smart man and I realized that maybe he's right. I may not fit in a category, but it doesn't mean I'm not part of of the larger group.
Today's counseling session was spent learning my story, my family history and my life. At the end she asked me to think of goals that I'd like to work towards so that I know when I'm making progress. She also commented that I'm pretty hard on myself and I should think about interrupting the negative self talk and allowing myself grace. When she said that I about fell to the floor. It was like she knew that I was trying to live in grace for 2013. It was some confirmation that maybe things do happen for a reason and choosing that word was no accident for 2013.
So I'm going to keep a note on my phone and start recording some of the goals I want to achieve and where I want to see myself. Some of the things I'd like to learn and how I can be a better version of me.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
207; A List of Plans
Even water proof mascara isn't really water proof. It's likely water resistant or something. I always wonder what kind of make up reality stars have on that they never get red and raccoon looking when they cry. Because me? I do crying, ugly. I'm red, blotchy, runny nose and tears flowing. So my lesson to you all is not to wear mascara when going for help with depression.
I love my doctor. Can I just say that? She listens, really listens to me. She helps me problem solve. She also lets me lead in what my medical care should look like. She lets me feel in control, even when I'm not.
When she entered the office I half heartedly smiled and she could tell that something was wrong. She asked me to explain in my own words what was happening and it's then that I realized I should have written it down. Not only do I ugly cry, but when something like this is bothering me, I cry when I try to speak. And you can't ugly cry and verbalize at the same time. At least I can't. So she waited while I tried to gather myself up to talk. Then she listened.
At the crux of this is that I feel very much alone. I have the support of my Mom (breast cancer/mastectomy survivor). I have the support of Pete, who does tons of things for me and listens to everything I can manage to tell him. I have the support of friends online and in person. But I feel so alone. An island unto myself.
I feel almost as though I did all of this for no reason, this self mutilation of sorts, because there was no cancer. Which leads me to wonder if I was so ready for this to happen in the first place? Did I rush (is 3 months of waiting, rushing?) into this decision when I could have waited or should have waited? I feel as though my 'choice' to do this is 'rewarded' by the complications and issues that I've had since the initial surgery.
I've tried to seek out support form several places, but there is no one like me. No one that is a Previvor, but not BRCA positive. No one that has chosen to do this in a situation that mirrors mine. No one that is in their 40's and has some of the same experiences I did/do. No one who can tell me that yes, it will be ok. Yes, this is how I got through it. Yes, call/text/email me when you have issues and I will listen.
Logically I know that what I write here is off and that I know better. But I can't seem to connect the logicalness of it and my feelings about it. They're off course and I need to get them back on track.
So we have a plan. A good one.
1. I called for physical therapy again and I'm scheduled to start on 11/6/13. Exercising is a great mood booster and I can't wait to be able to learn how to exercise without hurting myself.
2. I was prescribed a low dose antidepressant for 6 months. Something to help me get over the hump and have enough energy to do what I need to do on a daily basis.
3. Seek counseling. If I can't find a support group, I need to find a counselor for a few sessions to figure out how to sort through the feelings I'm having.
I'm adding a few to the plan:
4. I'm going to connect more with Pete about how I'm feeling on a daily basis. Let him know my fears because he is strong enough to listen, even if he can't do anything about them.
5. Keep blogging. Keep getting it out of my head and onto the 'page'.
6. Keep being creative on a daily basis. Something that makes me happy - crochet, reading, photography, cooking...anything.
7. Let go right now of my weight issues. I'm not returning to the emotional/chocolate/soda/carb addict eating, but I'm going to say that it's ok if I'm not losing weight.
So, that's my list. I'm very much a list maker who has to have a plan. And this, this is my plan.
I love my doctor. Can I just say that? She listens, really listens to me. She helps me problem solve. She also lets me lead in what my medical care should look like. She lets me feel in control, even when I'm not.
When she entered the office I half heartedly smiled and she could tell that something was wrong. She asked me to explain in my own words what was happening and it's then that I realized I should have written it down. Not only do I ugly cry, but when something like this is bothering me, I cry when I try to speak. And you can't ugly cry and verbalize at the same time. At least I can't. So she waited while I tried to gather myself up to talk. Then she listened.
At the crux of this is that I feel very much alone. I have the support of my Mom (breast cancer/mastectomy survivor). I have the support of Pete, who does tons of things for me and listens to everything I can manage to tell him. I have the support of friends online and in person. But I feel so alone. An island unto myself.
I feel almost as though I did all of this for no reason, this self mutilation of sorts, because there was no cancer. Which leads me to wonder if I was so ready for this to happen in the first place? Did I rush (is 3 months of waiting, rushing?) into this decision when I could have waited or should have waited? I feel as though my 'choice' to do this is 'rewarded' by the complications and issues that I've had since the initial surgery.
I've tried to seek out support form several places, but there is no one like me. No one that is a Previvor, but not BRCA positive. No one that has chosen to do this in a situation that mirrors mine. No one that is in their 40's and has some of the same experiences I did/do. No one who can tell me that yes, it will be ok. Yes, this is how I got through it. Yes, call/text/email me when you have issues and I will listen.
Logically I know that what I write here is off and that I know better. But I can't seem to connect the logicalness of it and my feelings about it. They're off course and I need to get them back on track.
So we have a plan. A good one.
1. I called for physical therapy again and I'm scheduled to start on 11/6/13. Exercising is a great mood booster and I can't wait to be able to learn how to exercise without hurting myself.
2. I was prescribed a low dose antidepressant for 6 months. Something to help me get over the hump and have enough energy to do what I need to do on a daily basis.
3. Seek counseling. If I can't find a support group, I need to find a counselor for a few sessions to figure out how to sort through the feelings I'm having.
I'm adding a few to the plan:
4. I'm going to connect more with Pete about how I'm feeling on a daily basis. Let him know my fears because he is strong enough to listen, even if he can't do anything about them.
5. Keep blogging. Keep getting it out of my head and onto the 'page'.
6. Keep being creative on a daily basis. Something that makes me happy - crochet, reading, photography, cooking...anything.
7. Let go right now of my weight issues. I'm not returning to the emotional/chocolate/soda/carb addict eating, but I'm going to say that it's ok if I'm not losing weight.
So, that's my list. I'm very much a list maker who has to have a plan. And this, this is my plan.
Tuesday, October 01, 2013
208.6; Moving In the Right Direction?
The number is back. That number before all of my blog entries. Maybe part of my issue is that I put weight on without really noticing. You see, I couldn't wear anything other than stretchy pants after surgery because of surgical scars, so no jeans or khaki pants. And I stopped weighing myself with any frequency. Initially it was depressing because I was so swollen from surgery so I stopped. But I never picked it up again. Thus the big crying fit when nothing I wear to work fits.
Weighing myself every day is a key to relearning my body - when it goes up and down and why. I don't want to be trapped by the scale; live and die by the scale. That said, I think it a a tool that I need right now to head back in the right direction.
So do I really think that I lost 5 pounds since Saturday? Maybe. I was drinking lots of carbonated soda, eating lots of sugar and not drinking as much water as I should. I was also not moving a whole lot. So the real answer is maybe. The thing is, I forgot how motivating even a little bit of loss is. Even the 2 pounds over night to Sunday left me feeling motivated to keep going. The continual losing is continual motivation. And seeing that I can stay around 1500 calories and feel satisfied is also motivating.
I'm in a job rotation where I need to be in the office all day, most days, for 3 weeks. I'm using it as a jump start. I move lots more when I'm doing that part of the job - up and down from my desk all day, talking, and walking through the building. I drink lots of water at work (like 75 ounces a day) because it's dry both summer and winter. And because I'm so busy there is no random snacking, continual snacking or anything like it. This 3 weeks should jump start any eating right and water goals that I have.
As for exercise. Well, Pete and I walked the Mall of America for a couple of hours on Sunday and then walked Ikea for an hour. By the car ride home I was falling asleep. My stamina to just do daily life is greatly diminished. I'm really trying to build that up so that I can get up before work and walk at the gym and get back to Body Pump and running. This 3 weeks will force me to just get up every day and do daily life. I think I need that to get over this hump of inability to just do life and get back to where I'm working out daily again.
Do I feel better than Saturday night? Absolutely. Do my work pants fit me with the loss. Nope. Do I still hate the crap out of my "new" work pants? YES. But I'm going in the right direction.
Weighing myself every day is a key to relearning my body - when it goes up and down and why. I don't want to be trapped by the scale; live and die by the scale. That said, I think it a a tool that I need right now to head back in the right direction.
So do I really think that I lost 5 pounds since Saturday? Maybe. I was drinking lots of carbonated soda, eating lots of sugar and not drinking as much water as I should. I was also not moving a whole lot. So the real answer is maybe. The thing is, I forgot how motivating even a little bit of loss is. Even the 2 pounds over night to Sunday left me feeling motivated to keep going. The continual losing is continual motivation. And seeing that I can stay around 1500 calories and feel satisfied is also motivating.
I'm in a job rotation where I need to be in the office all day, most days, for 3 weeks. I'm using it as a jump start. I move lots more when I'm doing that part of the job - up and down from my desk all day, talking, and walking through the building. I drink lots of water at work (like 75 ounces a day) because it's dry both summer and winter. And because I'm so busy there is no random snacking, continual snacking or anything like it. This 3 weeks should jump start any eating right and water goals that I have.
As for exercise. Well, Pete and I walked the Mall of America for a couple of hours on Sunday and then walked Ikea for an hour. By the car ride home I was falling asleep. My stamina to just do daily life is greatly diminished. I'm really trying to build that up so that I can get up before work and walk at the gym and get back to Body Pump and running. This 3 weeks will force me to just get up every day and do daily life. I think I need that to get over this hump of inability to just do life and get back to where I'm working out daily again.
Do I feel better than Saturday night? Absolutely. Do my work pants fit me with the loss. Nope. Do I still hate the crap out of my "new" work pants? YES. But I'm going in the right direction.
Monday, August 26, 2013
204; Action Plan Monday
Wednesday: 7 points
Thursday: 7 points
Friday: 0 - I didn't track so no points
Saturday: 8 points
Sunday: 5 points
Goal: $150
Total Points/Dollars: $27
I think what I quickly discovered is that I need a purpose in life. And while recovering, I had no purpose. I wasn't working with timelines and to do lists and decisions to be made on a daily basis. I wasn't cooking/baking for Pete and I which gives me a sense of being a wife and gives me a sense of making people in my life happy. I wasn't cleaning the house or playing with the dog which makes me feel adult and a homeowner. My purpose was to recover and get better, but it was all about me, no deadlines and not helping anyone else.
This action plan, gives me back a sense of purpose before I go back to work. It prompts me to do things around the house like shopping, cooking, cleaning, getting out and going to the gym. It forces me out of my little cocoon and back into what makes me feel good.
Thursday: 7 points
Friday: 0 - I didn't track so no points
Saturday: 8 points
Sunday: 5 points
Goal: $150
Total Points/Dollars: $27
I think what I quickly discovered is that I need a purpose in life. And while recovering, I had no purpose. I wasn't working with timelines and to do lists and decisions to be made on a daily basis. I wasn't cooking/baking for Pete and I which gives me a sense of being a wife and gives me a sense of making people in my life happy. I wasn't cleaning the house or playing with the dog which makes me feel adult and a homeowner. My purpose was to recover and get better, but it was all about me, no deadlines and not helping anyone else.
This action plan, gives me back a sense of purpose before I go back to work. It prompts me to do things around the house like shopping, cooking, cleaning, getting out and going to the gym. It forces me out of my little cocoon and back into what makes me feel good.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
199.8; Pity! Party of One.
Yesterday I was supposed to go to a training for work. I signed up for it, even though I'm on medical leave because I am about 1 hour short on my total for the year. But he closer it got, the more I didn't want to go. Initially I told myself that it was because I just didn't want to go. So I started talking to Pete via text about it. When I pulled away the layers, I realize that there were specific reasons for not wanting to go.
I'm mentally tired of explaining what surgery I had and why. I still have people in my life questioning my choices. Maybe not directly to me, but to family members and to Pete. And every time I hear about it, I'm a little more beat down. I made this choice to have an elective mastectomy because I have close to 60% chance of breast cancer and doing it this way means no chemo, radiation or the side effects of those treatments. Are there things about doing it this way that are hard? Yep. But they definitely don't compare to life long issues because of chemo.
I'm afraid of people staring at my foobs. And it's already happened. It happened before surgery; as though they wanted to memorize what I looked like to compare afterwards. Last weekend I told someone about the surgery and watched their eyes. The leave my face and for a second, they focus on my foobs. I have a shirt that says "Of course they're fake, the real ones tried to kill me!" Other than wearing it all the time, I don't know how to address this.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I needed to push myself out of this comfortable cocoon of a home and go out in public again. And from that I realized that I need to push myself out of my comfort zone with my weight again. And by the end of the day I had an action plan.
Action Plan
Goal: I want a TV that costs about $150 for my office/our second bedroom.
Plan: I'm hanging a list of things to do each day and each thing I do is a $1 toward to TV Fund. It's up to mw to chose how many, if any, I do each day. I take the lead and I need to live up to my expectations and no one else's.
Items: So far, my list includes this following items. But, I reserve the right to add things along the way.
I feel stronger, somehow better, just knowing that I have a plan. I feel like I moved back into living in grace; being kinder to myself and loving myself by flying back out of the nest.
I'm mentally tired of explaining what surgery I had and why. I still have people in my life questioning my choices. Maybe not directly to me, but to family members and to Pete. And every time I hear about it, I'm a little more beat down. I made this choice to have an elective mastectomy because I have close to 60% chance of breast cancer and doing it this way means no chemo, radiation or the side effects of those treatments. Are there things about doing it this way that are hard? Yep. But they definitely don't compare to life long issues because of chemo.
I'm afraid of people staring at my foobs. And it's already happened. It happened before surgery; as though they wanted to memorize what I looked like to compare afterwards. Last weekend I told someone about the surgery and watched their eyes. The leave my face and for a second, they focus on my foobs. I have a shirt that says "Of course they're fake, the real ones tried to kill me!" Other than wearing it all the time, I don't know how to address this.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I needed to push myself out of this comfortable cocoon of a home and go out in public again. And from that I realized that I need to push myself out of my comfort zone with my weight again. And by the end of the day I had an action plan.
Action Plan
Goal: I want a TV that costs about $150 for my office/our second bedroom.
Plan: I'm hanging a list of things to do each day and each thing I do is a $1 toward to TV Fund. It's up to mw to chose how many, if any, I do each day. I take the lead and I need to live up to my expectations and no one else's.
Items: So far, my list includes this following items. But, I reserve the right to add things along the way.
- Workout at the gym for at least 30 minutes
- Be outside in the sun for at least 1 hour.
- Spend 15 minutes meditating.
- Shower & be presentable for company.
- Drink at least 80 ounces of water a day
- Wash and moisturize my face twice a day.
- Eat at least 3 servings of vegetables a day.
- Spend 30 minutes reading.
- Get at least 8 hours of sleep a day.
- Eat 3 meals a day with 2 planned snacks.
- Spend 30 minutes cleaning a room in the house.
- Eat at least 3 servings of fruit a day.
- Spend at least 30 minutes walking Nico.
- No added sugar treats for the day (chocolate, cake, ice cream...)
- Make a new recipe or try a new vegetable/fruit/grain/food item.
- Do at least 1 out of the house errand.
I feel stronger, somehow better, just knowing that I have a plan. I feel like I moved back into living in grace; being kinder to myself and loving myself by flying back out of the nest.
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