So I sit today at 227 and I've been there for the last 2 days now. I think I'm up a couple of pounds from my monthly cycle. And just so everyone knows: Massive amounts of Vitamin D will cause gastrointestinal issues. In the last week I was down to 223. I lost a good 7 pounds will all my issues. At one point I was thinking this was a good "diet", the next second I was cursing out the doctor who gave me the vitamin. In the end, sanity won out and it's NOT a good diet plan. After 8 days I think my body is adjusted...but I'm still afraid to eat much more that soup, crackers and jello. My doctor says it will get better.
Last night Pete had a meeting for the motorcycle club. He left before I got home. Knowing that we were out of soup, I headed to the grocery store for soup, crackers, jello and bananas. On the way there I decided to get cake. You know, because I hadn't eaten any in a while and because I had 'lost' so much weight in the last week. Also because Pete wouldn't be home to see me eat it. No one other than the dog would see me eat my dinner.
Then I realized that Pete keeps me honest. It's interesting that I do my worst eating and almost compulsive snacking at work, in my office, where no one can really see me. I don't know that I ever thought of it as binge eating when I was single. But I certainly had my share of grocery stops on the way home to get indulgent food to eat.
So what did I buy at the store? I bought 4 cans of soup with less than 70 calories in a serving and mainly veggie based. I bought saltines for some added bulk to help fill me up. I bought graham crackers for a sweet treat when I think I need one, sugar free jello, bananas and a bag of Hershey Valentine Hearts. Not too bad, but not perfect (which I don't expect of myself). I had my soup, but no crackers (either kind). No jello or bananas. But I did have 4 hearts. It's the first sweet thing I've had in a week.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
I don't want to eat (for the wrong reasons)
So Thursday was Pete's birthday. I worked from home for a couple of hours and then was done. Although Pete had to work, I sat in the bedroom office with him reading on my Nook while he worked. I'm telling you, this working from home thing is awesome. I can't wait until both of us can do it.
Thursday night Pete decided he wanted to go Dog Days At The Dome with Nico. It was so cool! Big dogs, tiny dogs, vendors, doggie owners and families. Nico had been going a big stircrazy not being able to play outside a lot lately. Of course he thinks that he is a 70 pound dog in a 15 pound body and tries to play with the big dogs. All the dogs his size he runs by without even stopping.
About 90 minutes into it, my tummy started rumbling. Uh oh I told Pete. Then I told him I was sorry, but I thought we needed to head home. By the time we got home I was in trouble. The next 12 hours were awful. Crackers and warm sparkling water were sparingly eaten.
I'm better now 36 hours later. I lost 3+ pounds and I'm down to 226. (yay) But now I'm afraid to eat because I don't want to gain any back. Ever have that experience? It's going to be a struggle to eat appropriately the next few days rather than avoid eating to lose more weight.
Thursday night Pete decided he wanted to go Dog Days At The Dome with Nico. It was so cool! Big dogs, tiny dogs, vendors, doggie owners and families. Nico had been going a big stircrazy not being able to play outside a lot lately. Of course he thinks that he is a 70 pound dog in a 15 pound body and tries to play with the big dogs. All the dogs his size he runs by without even stopping.
About 90 minutes into it, my tummy started rumbling. Uh oh I told Pete. Then I told him I was sorry, but I thought we needed to head home. By the time we got home I was in trouble. The next 12 hours were awful. Crackers and warm sparkling water were sparingly eaten.
I'm better now 36 hours later. I lost 3+ pounds and I'm down to 226. (yay) But now I'm afraid to eat because I don't want to gain any back. Ever have that experience? It's going to be a struggle to eat appropriately the next few days rather than avoid eating to lose more weight.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Mindful Eating
I've struggled for a long time with mindful eating. Well I've struggled for a long time, only I wasn't aware of what it really meant until the last year or so.
Yesterday I had my second call from the insurance company to check in about my progress for the bariatric surgery. While part of me thinks that the calls are a joke and a stalling technique to see if people will 'give up', the other half of me thinks that they provide some good information.
My trigger for bad eating seems to come at 2 times. The first is days off work when I'm at home and don't necessarily eat 3 well spaced meals, but rather 2 bigger meals. I'm trying to be more aware of that and change my ways. My other trigger is afternoon snacking at work or snacking at work in general. I've noticed that when I'm at my desk in my office I want to snack all day long. Yet when I'm forced to be in our front office for the 2 weeks every 90 days I never feel like I need to snack. I think the snacking is part habit and part environmental (see I really do need to convince my department to let me telework!).
The solution: For the next 2 weeks my goal is to write down what I eat at work, when exactly I eat it and how I feel before I eat it. Is there a pattern to how I feel before I eat? Am I eating from stress? Boredom? Actual hunger? I started this yesterday afternoon. When I wasn't hungry I decided that I'd get up from my desk, take a mental break, drink at least 4 ounces of water and wait for 15 minutes. If I was still craving the food I could give in. Most often the break and the water did the trick. But I did indulge once. The goal isn't to stop the eating all the time, but see the pattern of eating.
KALE CHIPS
My goal in the last few years has been to try new things. I learned that I like turnips, parsnips, rutabaga and other veggies. I've been reading a lot about people making kale chips. Last weekend I tried it. I took a bunch of kale that was washed and dried. Cut it into pieces about 1.5x1.5 and placed it out on a cookie sheet. Then I spritzed sparingly with olive oil, a small amount of salt and lots of pepper. I baked them at 350 degrees for 15 minutes or until they were slightly dark and crisp.
YUM! It's like a spicy light chip. I put them in a large gladware container because they are to delicate for baggies. I've eaten about 2 loosely packed cups each day in the afternoons. For about 1 cup fresh kale there is 33 calories, 7 grams of carbs and 1 gram of fiber. It's got 200% DV for VitaminA, 134% DV for Vitamin C plus calcium and iron.
I can't wait to do more.
Yesterday I had my second call from the insurance company to check in about my progress for the bariatric surgery. While part of me thinks that the calls are a joke and a stalling technique to see if people will 'give up', the other half of me thinks that they provide some good information.
My trigger for bad eating seems to come at 2 times. The first is days off work when I'm at home and don't necessarily eat 3 well spaced meals, but rather 2 bigger meals. I'm trying to be more aware of that and change my ways. My other trigger is afternoon snacking at work or snacking at work in general. I've noticed that when I'm at my desk in my office I want to snack all day long. Yet when I'm forced to be in our front office for the 2 weeks every 90 days I never feel like I need to snack. I think the snacking is part habit and part environmental (see I really do need to convince my department to let me telework!).
The solution: For the next 2 weeks my goal is to write down what I eat at work, when exactly I eat it and how I feel before I eat it. Is there a pattern to how I feel before I eat? Am I eating from stress? Boredom? Actual hunger? I started this yesterday afternoon. When I wasn't hungry I decided that I'd get up from my desk, take a mental break, drink at least 4 ounces of water and wait for 15 minutes. If I was still craving the food I could give in. Most often the break and the water did the trick. But I did indulge once. The goal isn't to stop the eating all the time, but see the pattern of eating.
KALE CHIPS
My goal in the last few years has been to try new things. I learned that I like turnips, parsnips, rutabaga and other veggies. I've been reading a lot about people making kale chips. Last weekend I tried it. I took a bunch of kale that was washed and dried. Cut it into pieces about 1.5x1.5 and placed it out on a cookie sheet. Then I spritzed sparingly with olive oil, a small amount of salt and lots of pepper. I baked them at 350 degrees for 15 minutes or until they were slightly dark and crisp.
YUM! It's like a spicy light chip. I put them in a large gladware container because they are to delicate for baggies. I've eaten about 2 loosely packed cups each day in the afternoons. For about 1 cup fresh kale there is 33 calories, 7 grams of carbs and 1 gram of fiber. It's got 200% DV for VitaminA, 134% DV for Vitamin C plus calcium and iron.
I can't wait to do more.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
A Big Sigh
My second mammogram & ultrasound revealed nothing. The radiologist suggested a follow up mammogram in 90 days and if negative to resume my every 6 month routine. My self fulfilling prophecy isn't full filled right now.
In other news...
I am normal. Really. I have the psych evaluation to prove it. Part of me wonders how that is. I mean, I self diagnosed me with anxiety a week or so ago and yet my MMPI and other testing doesn't suggest any anxiety. The psychologist says that I seem to have a healthy support system, a good reason for wanting the bariatric surgery and I'm a good candidate. One additional thing checked off my list.
I have my second of five calls with the insurance company today. They check in to see how you're doing, go over issues and concerns and strategies with you. Really they want to make sure that you're a good fit also before deciding to pay for the surgery.
Aside from the calls, the only other thing I have to do is lose 5-6 pounds. I've been weighing myself daily at Pete's suggestion so that I can see how my weight fluctuates from day or day and throughout the month. I've been at 230.6 to 229.6 with a couple of spikes to 231 during my cycle. I had a great streak going with the gym until I got this chest cold last Wednesday. Lately it hurts to breathe so the treadmill will have to wait. I have plans to attack it again this week.
In other news...
I am normal. Really. I have the psych evaluation to prove it. Part of me wonders how that is. I mean, I self diagnosed me with anxiety a week or so ago and yet my MMPI and other testing doesn't suggest any anxiety. The psychologist says that I seem to have a healthy support system, a good reason for wanting the bariatric surgery and I'm a good candidate. One additional thing checked off my list.
I have my second of five calls with the insurance company today. They check in to see how you're doing, go over issues and concerns and strategies with you. Really they want to make sure that you're a good fit also before deciding to pay for the surgery.
Aside from the calls, the only other thing I have to do is lose 5-6 pounds. I've been weighing myself daily at Pete's suggestion so that I can see how my weight fluctuates from day or day and throughout the month. I've been at 230.6 to 229.6 with a couple of spikes to 231 during my cycle. I had a great streak going with the gym until I got this chest cold last Wednesday. Lately it hurts to breathe so the treadmill will have to wait. I have plans to attack it again this week.
Tuesday, January 03, 2012
Self Fulfilling Prophacy?
In March 2009 I blogged about being WORRIED, MY GENETIC JOURNEY and that the test was NEGATIVE.
I can't remember if I shared the conversation I once had with my Mom. She was talking about watching my Grandma and Great Grandma go to Mexico for treatment for breast cancer. She talked about how my Grandparents surprised them all by taking them out to eat, only to tell them that my Grandma had breast cancer. In the conversation she said that when my Grandma was diagnosed she was 48 and my Great Grandma about the same age. After that my Mom just knew that she would be diagnosed around the same age also.
My Mom turned 48 the day she had the biopsy confirming that she had breast cancer. I look back know and feel horrible about that day. My sister and I had planned a surprise dinner for my Mom that night and invited my Grandma over. When my Mom got home from work I could sense that there was something wrong, but dismissed it. I could never have known that she had just come from the biopsy. I'll forever feel sorry for that day and yet, she's never said anything to my sister or I about it.
Often I've thought about my Mom feeling like she would have breast cancer. How often did it enter her mind? She she read her nursing journals searching for the newest information on breast cancer to gain knowledge for her patients, herself or both? Did she wonder when her day would come? Did it consume her the closer she got to 48? Did she and my Dad talk about it or did she suffer in silence, not wanting to worry anyone?
Since then, I've talked to Pete about this at length. We've had many a quiet conversation laying in bed, strolling around our favorite wedding place, in the car...on the phone. I've expressed my fears several times and he understands them as best a man can.
In the last couple of months I've wanted to get a tattoo. I have the image in mind and a little saying, but can't figure out where to get it. I want someplace that won't sag, wrinkle or look horrible in 20 years. I want to be able to see it, but not have it visible to clients who have no boundaries most of the time.
New Years Eve Pete and I went to see one of his favorite bands play. Somehow the conversation turned to tattoos. Pete suggested my breast and I quickly replied, "I can't get it close to my breast." He asked why and I stated, "I just know I'll be diagnosed with breast cancer like my Mom and I don't want to lose a tattoo."
I got a call today that my mammogram from last week was abnormal. I am scheduled to go in later this week for another mammogram, an ultrasound and potentially other tests and then meet with a radiologist. As I sit here I can't help but wonder if it's a self fulfilling prophecy? And I can't help but be fearful and anxiety ridden. Honestly, I'm pretty scared.
I can't remember if I shared the conversation I once had with my Mom. She was talking about watching my Grandma and Great Grandma go to Mexico for treatment for breast cancer. She talked about how my Grandparents surprised them all by taking them out to eat, only to tell them that my Grandma had breast cancer. In the conversation she said that when my Grandma was diagnosed she was 48 and my Great Grandma about the same age. After that my Mom just knew that she would be diagnosed around the same age also.
My Mom turned 48 the day she had the biopsy confirming that she had breast cancer. I look back know and feel horrible about that day. My sister and I had planned a surprise dinner for my Mom that night and invited my Grandma over. When my Mom got home from work I could sense that there was something wrong, but dismissed it. I could never have known that she had just come from the biopsy. I'll forever feel sorry for that day and yet, she's never said anything to my sister or I about it.
Often I've thought about my Mom feeling like she would have breast cancer. How often did it enter her mind? She she read her nursing journals searching for the newest information on breast cancer to gain knowledge for her patients, herself or both? Did she wonder when her day would come? Did it consume her the closer she got to 48? Did she and my Dad talk about it or did she suffer in silence, not wanting to worry anyone?
Since then, I've talked to Pete about this at length. We've had many a quiet conversation laying in bed, strolling around our favorite wedding place, in the car...on the phone. I've expressed my fears several times and he understands them as best a man can.
In the last couple of months I've wanted to get a tattoo. I have the image in mind and a little saying, but can't figure out where to get it. I want someplace that won't sag, wrinkle or look horrible in 20 years. I want to be able to see it, but not have it visible to clients who have no boundaries most of the time.
New Years Eve Pete and I went to see one of his favorite bands play. Somehow the conversation turned to tattoos. Pete suggested my breast and I quickly replied, "I can't get it close to my breast." He asked why and I stated, "I just know I'll be diagnosed with breast cancer like my Mom and I don't want to lose a tattoo."
I got a call today that my mammogram from last week was abnormal. I am scheduled to go in later this week for another mammogram, an ultrasound and potentially other tests and then meet with a radiologist. As I sit here I can't help but wonder if it's a self fulfilling prophecy? And I can't help but be fearful and anxiety ridden. Honestly, I'm pretty scared.
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