I thought I had it all figured out

I love to read. I remember being in 4th grade and getting a gift certificate (this was way before gift cards!) for a local book store. I went in and bought as many books as I could. When other kids were talking while waiting for the bus, I was often times reading. I remember staying up late on weekends reading the teen novels and 'disappearing' into them for hours on end. Then I discovered the library. Amazing wonderful place. I could go and check out books without having to pay for them.

In college my reading took a hiatus. I was reading way too many college textbooks and having way too much party fun to read. After college I picked it right back up again. In fact I used to order books online and have them delivered to vacation spots where I'd be going so that I didn't have to pack them. I'd leave for vacation and take a book a day to read and sometimes that wasn't enough.

Since Pete my reading has again slowed down to almost nothing. It's not that I don't still enjoy it, it's that I don't find the same need to lose myself in a book. It's also that we are so much on the go that I don't have time to read.

Over the weekend we were camping with the biker group and one of them had a book. It made me wonder if I could read while passenger on the back of the bike? Sure enough there was someone in the group who did that. She suggested that I find small books and use clips for the pages. So I bought a Readers Digest at one of the first gas stops.

Couple of things I learned:
1. It's really windy. So windy sometimes that even holding the pages with clips probably isn't going to work.
2. You bounce. And your arm bouncing isn't necessarily in tune with your head bouncing so it tires out your eyes a lot.
3. You miss the scenery. I mean part of riding a bike is seeing things from a vantage point that you wouldn't see while in a vehicle.

So books on the bike are back on the shelf. For now, I'll enjoy hugging Pete and watching the world go by.

Long time....no post

Well not really long. But longer than usual.

What's new you ask? Well wedding stuff is still dominating me. And in turn dominates my life. Which in turn dominates my relationship with Pete. I seem to struggle at times to make sure that the relationship part of this whole wedding hoolpa is taken care of. Afterall, it's the reason for the wedding hoopla.

And now something that isn't wedding related.

Wait, I don't know if there is anything that isn't wedding related at this point.

You catch the drift, right?

At any rate, I want to make sure that Pete knows how much I love him. How much I want to be with him forever and hoe important he is to me. So I keep telling him that. All of it.

Overwhelmed

I'm feeling overwhelmed right now. I'm a trainer for new software at work that is rolling out in the next 30 days. I'm trying to get ahead of my work so that I can take time off for the wedding. We have several campout weekends prior to the wedding with the Dry Riders. I'm trying to get the house in great shape and purge things as we registered for gifts that need to be put in the house. I'm wanting to have time with Pete that is our time still. And all the little things with the wedding.

I'm overwhelemed.

The zoo, the kids and invitations

...don't mix.

We kept Alison and Grant overnight Saturday so Kim and Dave could go away for their anniversary. I call them my borrowed kids. Grant is talking like mad since he got his ear tubes. He says goodbye to everything. Seriously. The ketchup at the restaurant, the water in the otter tank at the zoo...everything. Alison isn't the best listener, but she is learning. I love those kids.

Only, I'm not used to having them. Alison has question after question and Grant seems to think I'm a human jungle gym. And he calls my name constantly. It was an experience.

While having them I tried to get the invitations done for the wedding. The two don't mix, but I was determined. And I did it. Only I needed a nap afterwards. LOL

Flashbacks

Do you ever have flashbacks to things that happened in your past? Flashbacks that provide the same smells, sights & sounds along with all the emotions? I had one this morning on the way to work.

When I was in my third year of college I came home from class one day to find my Dad in my apartment. I smiled at him and asked him what he was doing there. I kept thinking that he was there to surprise me with lunch or something. He was incredibly sweet my first year of college and sent me cards almost every week along with flowers occasionally. I kept asking him what he was doing and he finally told me to sit down. It's the sentence that no one wants to hear. Ever.

I sat down in the livingroom on the brown, cream and peach flowered couch. The carpet was that brown shaggy stuff that hides everything and I can clearly see to this day my Dad standing by the counter in front of the door. I can see the expression on his face as he looked at me. I can smell the carpet freshner that we used all the time - cinnamon/apple. I can see the bare cream walls and feel the sun on my back.

And I can clearly hear him tell me that my uncle Scott had died. I can feel the shock. I can taste the tears on my lips. I can feel my heart race and feel the overwhelming sadness. I remember my mind racing asking how outwardly and why inside.

I don't know what prompted this flashback today. Maybe it was something I saw while waiting at the stoplight. Maybe it's the werid dreams I was having last night. Maybe it's the upcoming wedding. I don't know. I do know that I often times wonder if he was happy. If he would have come to the bar with me on my 21st and had a beer. If he would have liked Pete. If he would have found love. I hope that his spirit flows around me. I hope that he is there with Pete and I when we marry. I know that I miss him.