197.4: 5 Positives for Mind/Body

My first Weigh In Wednesday after my mastectomy surgery.  I started out the day of surgery at 194.  My lowest was in February at 187.  Today, all drains out, I weigh 197.4.  Not bad considering my gastric band was loosened and I can eat way more than I should be.  Not bad considering I've been eating casseroles and things that I wouldn't normally make.  Not bad considering that I am still pretty swollen in my abdomen from where they took the flaps.

Today is weigh in number 1 to recovery and resuming weight loss mode!

It occurred to me that there are things that I can do to make myself feel better.  To make my body feel better and my psyche feel better.

1.  I am being kind to my fingernails.  I'm taking care of them and the cuticles that I usually neglect into dryness and poor condition.

2.  I am taking care of my face.  I've purchased new skincare because I need to switch it out every so often.  Philosophy is my line of choice.  I'm committed to washing, night and day, and using moisturizer to improve my skin.

3.  I'm taking care of my tootsies.  My feet.  I usually neglect them and they're dry and not the best looking.  Well, no more, I'm committed to doing the foot care that makes my feet soft and silky and keep my toenails polished with F U Cancer colors.

4.  I'm committed to getting back to walking daily.  Even if it is the couple of blocks at a time.

5.  I'm committed to eating mindfully again.  Why am I eating?  Hungry?  Bored?  Hurting?  Emotional?  If it's something other than hungry, announce it!  Be honest about it and move on, with the intent to do better next time.

Body Image

Body image is a strange thing.  I mean, we're all so different.  No two people alike.  Well, I guess they are, if you're a twin or something.  But the rest of the world?  We are all different.

As little girls we grow up seeing out mothers and their shape and how they view their bodies.  Are they thin or thick, tall or short, round or flat?  Do they mention their frame and their shape?  Do they just naturally live in their frame?  Do they constantly diet?  Or eat whatever and seem to make no mention?  Our idea of body image is first instilled by those closest to us.

As a child I remember my Mom being...perfect.  Not too tall, not too short, not big or thin.  My Aunt was thin, but always dieting.  I don't remember the particular diet, but I remember a constant conversation on dieting.  The thing is, I remember wanting to be like my aunt.  Mostly, only because she wasn't my Mom, and the grass is always greener on the other side. 

I've said before, but I have a few particular memories about body image.  I believe I was 11, the summer after 5th grade.  I had been wearing a bra for about a year and started my period.  My sister, our neighborhood friends and I were playing outside.  We all had swimsuits on with some shorts and t shirts on over it.  A neighbor was airing out his camper trailer and said we could hang out in it.  We little girls giggled and talked and as we got hot, we took off our shirts and shorts.  Only I wasn't "little".  Even though I was 11 and about the same age as the other girls, I had developed hips and breasts and in my swimsuit I must have appeared more teen/woman, than child.  The neighbor came in to make sure we were ok and mentioned me and my suit in some manner, but no one else.  I was instantly embarrassed, aware of something being "wrong" and as he left, I put my shorts and shirt back on.  I instantly felt different from the other girls and my first instinct was to attempt to blend back in and become invisible.  This would shape my body image for years and years to come.

The one that I've talked about before was being with my aunt and a friend of hers in the yard.  We were sitting on a blanket and the friend was asking about me.  At the time I was about 12, tall for my age at 5'7" and thin.  Her friend said something to the effect that it was awesome that I was so tall because I could gain weight and it wouldn't show because of my height.  I was 12.  And I think that's one of the interactions that would also shape my image for years to come.

My body image is horrible, I'll be the first to admit it.  When I was gaining weight in college and afterwards, I remember thinking to myself "I'm not that bad."  What does that even mean?  That I'm fat, but it's ok?  That I'm not really fat, just big boned/large?  That I'm thin, but just different than other women?  That I'm just average, but bigger?  At this point, I don't even know.  It seems silly and dumb when I think about it, but at the time it made sense.

I bit of me, a tiny voice in my head, is struggling again.  And I have to say that even though this surgery and the flap procedure fit my life best, I almost changed my mind.  Why?  I was concerned about my body image.  Only not what you would think; not about my breasts.  I was/am concerned about my hips/butt.  I have this incredibly flat tummy right now from surgery.  I have these beautiful breasts that are in place and not saggy from weight loss.  But my hips and tummy?  They're still the same.  Large.

It's a shame really.  I go through this incredible weight loss than changes my life and my body.  I start coming to grips with my body image and how it's changed, but livable and beautiful in it's own right.  Then this new life changing thing happens.  And again I have to figure out not only what my body image is, but how to successfully live with it.  It's never ending, this body image thing.

Try this:  What's your body look like to you?

Tell me, how close were you to your actual body shape?  What's your body image?

The Rollercoaster Goes Up and Down

So Thursday Pete and I ventured out to the doctor.  Good spirits, hopeful for the drains to come out.

Unfortunately the output was still too much.  I knew it.  Really KNEW it.  But it still brought me to tears when the doctor left the room.  He must have known too because he agreed to take one of the two out.  Still, I was so disappointed.  I wanted to shower.  I wanted to progress at my pace, not my body's pace.

As I lay on the table and he was looking me over he noticed the hard lump just above my left breast.  He asked about it.  I told him that it's always been there, I told the other doctor about it last week and he said it was normal.  I said that it's uncomfortable to the point of painful at times. 

He prodded and pushed and felt.  And as he did, he looked concerned, his brows flexing.  He said that he was concerned at this point, that it had not gone down as the right one had.  He asked the nurse to see about getting an ultrasound to check for blood clots.  My face must have turned ashen and Pete's face dropped as I stared at him. 

Thankfully Pete piped up and asked if it was the kind to be concerned about traveling.  Thankfully, no.  He explained that sometimes there is a large pool of blood that can settle in the tissue and that's the kind of blood clot he was talking about. If not that, it may be a portion of the fat that is dying off and would be consumed by the body in time.

He took the one drain out and we waited to see about the ultrasound.  While we did, he decided to see what he could get out of the lump with a needle.  He numbed me up and I closed my eyes.  I felt like the roller coaster was heading below ground and there was nothing I could do to stop it.  He poked and poked several times.  Nothing came out and we were sent home to return the next day for the test.

I spent a pretty restless night, worrying about the possibility of having to go back into surgery to get a pool of blood out.  Ultimately, the area is inflamed tissue and fat.  My body has to reabsorb the fat and the tissue just needs to settle on it's own.

I am reminded that life is a series of ups and downs.  I need to ride it out.  I need to believe in myself and the love of those around me.

The Kindness of Friends

(I'm blaming the muscle relaxer, this posted already and I can't figure out if it's me or the site...Oh well.)

I joked before surgery that my recovery would be filled with Pete's dinners of eggs or eggs and grits.  He can cook, and cook very well.  The thing is that he doesn't know what to put together, without some help from me, about what is in the house or what fits together.

Friday my coworker friend brought over several meals for Pete and I.  I was humbled beyond words.  Humbled.  This is an awesome show of support and love from people I interact with daily.  They mean much more to me than simply co worker.

 

This is a rhubarb cake.  Pete drooled when he saw it.  I'd show you the wonderful Asian letter wraps that came with this, but we inhaled them before I thought about it.

 

This is a wild rice soup and a Mexican casserole.  I love that the soup is frozen, because there is no way to eat all this food before it spoils.  The Mexican casserole I actually split and froze a portion also.  Yummy!

 

Taco Pasta.  This is my kryptonite.  This is the salad that I long for from the deli.  And I had to restrain myself to not dig in as soon as I saw it.

 

 

 

 

Chicken Tortilla Soup.  Lovely, spicy and full of veggies.  There was 1/2 gallon of it and thankfully I could freeze some of this too.

My co workers are more than that, they're friends.  Friends who listened to me through this.  Supported me when I was down and needed to vent at work.  Who cover my job function while I'm out.  Who email me little tidbits to keep me informed.  They are good friends.  And I appreciate them like none other.

 

2 Weeks and High Hopes

Two weeks post surgery and I'm off to my second doctor appointment today.  He is going to check out my surgery sites and the drains.

The drains are there to allow the excess fluid to escape the body.  When your body is injured, it sends fluid to the area.  The lymph system isn't one of the body's systems that one usually hears about.  It's like a virus protection that runs in the background of your computer.  The nodes in the various places of your body have a fluid that filters out the impurities of the body.  When the body is hurt/injured, it sends more fluid to that area to filter out the bad and promote healing.  If you cut yourself, you can sometimes wee the clear fluid along the cut, before it mingles with your blood.

At any rate, when you have surgery, the body believes that it's "injured" and the lymph system kicks into overdrive.  The drains are there to collect the fluid so that there's not too much swelling and discomfort.  As the body heals, the amount of fluid slows down.  However, the drains can end up being a double edged sword.  At some point, the fact that the foreign item is in/out of the body, you run the risk of infection being introduced to the body.  Two weeks is the usually the max that doctors like to leave it in. 

Like the science lesson?

A couple of days ago, my fluid started to increase, instead of decrease.  In fact it's up to 40 ccs on each side.  I know that in order for the drains to be taken out, they should be under 10 cc's in 24 hours.  The drains are painful where they enter my body.  They're at a spot in my upper pubic area that make wearing panties and pants difficult.  The tubes catch when I sit down or on clothing and pull. 

To be honest, I want them out.  But I'm afraid that the doctor is going to tell me that with the output they have to stay in.  I'm anxious again, not to the point that I was pre-surgery, but anxious.  I'm trying to mark time to a new milestone in recovery and this is the one that I'm hanging my hat on for now.  Once out, I'll be a whole lot more comfortable.  Once out I can shower (try living on sink washing up for 2+ weeks and see how it goes) I'll feel so much better.

I'm admitting that I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but they're pretty high even so.  We shall see.