Just like breathing

I left work at lunch today. I needed to get that motorcycle.

So I called Pete and let him know what I was doing. I did it so that he wouldn't worry, but I realize now that it probably had the opposite effect. When I got home he was home on his little break too. He chatted a few minutes while I got my boots, my jeans and my jacket on. I kissed him and he told me to be careful.

I got on and rolled it down the driveway into the little street. My shoulders softened and my back curved and I breathed. I started it up and listened to the humming vibration while I watched Pete come out of the garage. Again he told me to be careful.

I put it in gear and slowly drove out of the homes. Pete followed me. At the bottom of the hill I stopped to wait for him. Again he told me to be careful and I went on. We separated at CR 37. I went east and he headed west, back to work.

And I breathed. It was as if I had been suffocating all winter long and needed the rush of air past me on a motorcycle to really breathe again. I know it's counterproductive to my allergy shots with all the trees budding. But I so needed it. I needed to confidence it gives me. The strength in knowing that I can ride a motorcycle. The one-ness of being with me.

And just like breathing, all the motorcycle riding information I learned last year, flooded back into me so that riding was like breathing...natural.

I got noticed

and in a good way...

I have to say that the people at the YMCA that I go to are great. They're always cheery (even at 5am), smiling and welcoming. It makes that 5 am workout a bit easier knowing that the people greeting you are happy you're there. I realize that it's probably part of their job description to welcome you, but I'd like to think that at least half really mean it.

I've been going 6 days a week for the last 2 months. Some days are better than others. Some days it's a struggle to just get there, let alone work out. But I do it knowing that there is not only a far away goal of losing weight, but a daily goal of just saying - Hey I did this today!

This morning, the woman at the front counter said "You're so dedicated. You're here every day." It just brightened my day. Those words, the affirmation, the acknowledgement. It's not that people in my life don't already do this for me, but this was a stranger saying this. I think those words propelled me through a great workout and my smile will propell me through the rest of the week.

I'm very sad.

I've talked about this before. How my Mom isn't very supportive and makes demands and thinks that her way is the only way/right way. This weekend it became very clear to me just how narssisstic my Mom is.

My youngest cousin (who is 32 years old) is getting married this August. She is a wonderful person and I'm so very happy that she found her guy. He is a wonderful man who treats her very well. We have all been curious as to their wedding plans and they have been very hush hush about them. I came to believe that they would be doing something different than is normally done in our small family.

My Mom called my sister and I this weekend sounding so dreary and down that we both thought something was wrong. Only to have her tell us that my cousin is getting married in Costa Rica and that only her immeidate family and his immediate family are invited.

My Mom is horrified. She's says that she is disappointed in my cousin. That her fiance must have talked her into this. That they willc ome to regret this decision. Further that she cannot and will not support a marriage/wedding like this. And she will not attend their little at home recption when they get back because she cannot celebrate this.

I sat and listened to her in shock. I had already talked to my sister about it so I knew it was coming. But I was still shocked. I was amazed how my cousin's choice of wedding morphed into being all about my Mom. I wanted to tell her that it's not all about her, but I knew that it wouldn't change her feeling about it. Instead I countered everything she said with something positive. Clearly my Mom didn't like this as the conversation only lasted 8 minutes.

******
I made me grieve for the mother/daughter relationship that I know will never happen. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been different had my sister and I married very young and had children right away. She was must different then, before her cancer and chemo. And then I think that truely, she would have ended up this way no matter what.

It makes me very very sad to think that I won't ever be close to my Mom. Very sad.

Running

Last night I had a dream that I was a runner.

12 Pounds

I have now lost about 1/2 of what I had lost a couple of years ago. If only I had continued doing what I was doing then I would have lost 1 1/2 of the weight. (did that make sense to anyone else but me? lol) I had lost about 23 pounds 2 years ago. Only I started out weighing less than I did when I started this time.

I remember going for a run/walk on the treadmill one Saturday morning back then. It felt good. It felt like I needed to do it, like I craved it. After the run Pete and I went shopping. For the first time since college I fit into jeans at Old Navy and Gap. I fit into jeans at Gap. I was so happy, I could have walked on water.

I want that back. I plan on getting that back. I will get that back.