There are some days that I could shovel in food by the backhoe and it still wouldn't be enough for me. The other night I came home and told Pete I wanted to eat a salt shaker and a 1 pound brick of chocolate. He laughed. What he didn't know is that I had stopped by Caribou Coffee and indulged in an iced coffee with sugar free hazelnut. Not bad, right? Well....I added a fudgy brownie too.
Dinner was a banana covered in crunchy peanut butter.
There are some days where my eating is still really off. It's not a magic switch that I can can pull. Certainly most days I crave water, yogurt, crunchy veggies and good lean meats like chicken and fish. But make no mistake, there are still days when my disordered eating and 'I Want' take over what I know is good for me.
And in these cases, I try to indulge in small ways. Let myself have some of what I want so that I'm not obsessing over it, but not full out overeat and eat crap. I think that it's important to balance what you're doing to get healthy. Eating good for you food and working out every day will get your healthy, but you have to also factor in your happiness. It's not that I want food making me happy, but I want a balanced life in which I can allow myself to indulge and know that it's ok to do so and know that I don't have to indulge to the point that I head down a bad path again.
The salt shaker & chocolate? Today I'm worlds away from craving them. It's a new day.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
196.6; Me
Yesterday I posted this picture on my Instagram:
I commented that I have collar bones again. Yay! They were there all this time, but had disappeared under pounds of excess fat. Those bones are poking through more often now.
I got my hair cut yesterday. The last time was in February and my stylist noticed how much I've changed. As we spoke I told her how hard it was for me to see it. Partly this is because I don't stare at myself all day. The only time I look at myself is in the morning when I'm getting ready and I glance at mirrors throughout the day. Sometimes it's so hard to see the totality of the changes when you're not staring at yourself all the time.
I do however, look down a lot. I notice my thinner legs when sitting at my desk or in the car. I notice my smaller hips that no longer cover the span of a chair bottom or touch the armrests at either side. I notice my smaller belly that no longer protrudes out so far and covers the rest of my lower abdomen. So I do see those changes in my body.
But as I sat there in the chair last night and started at myself in the mirror while she was *coughcoughgiveringmygreyscough* I swept over my face again and again. And for once I did notice how angular it had become. Maybe it was because I had to stare at myself. Maybe it was because she had all my hair wet and swept back. Maybe it was because I had been searching for it all along. But I did see it finally. Had you told me 6 months ago that I would describe my face as more angular than not, I would have laughed at you.
I say all of this, because my transformation is there. It is noticeable. It is making me want to continue on the path even with my toes that are hurting when I walk/run. You know how I can absolutely say this? I have recently discovered this photo of me. It's taken in 1999/2000. I'm probably at my largest ever. Because I never weighed myself I'm guessing I'm close to 300. I cringe writing this. Not because it's not true and not because I haven't said it to myself. I cringe putting it out there to the world and admitting just how large I really was. Anyway, me:
I got my hair cut yesterday. The last time was in February and my stylist noticed how much I've changed. As we spoke I told her how hard it was for me to see it. Partly this is because I don't stare at myself all day. The only time I look at myself is in the morning when I'm getting ready and I glance at mirrors throughout the day. Sometimes it's so hard to see the totality of the changes when you're not staring at yourself all the time.
I do however, look down a lot. I notice my thinner legs when sitting at my desk or in the car. I notice my smaller hips that no longer cover the span of a chair bottom or touch the armrests at either side. I notice my smaller belly that no longer protrudes out so far and covers the rest of my lower abdomen. So I do see those changes in my body.
But as I sat there in the chair last night and started at myself in the mirror while she was *coughcoughgiveringmygreyscough* I swept over my face again and again. And for once I did notice how angular it had become. Maybe it was because I had to stare at myself. Maybe it was because she had all my hair wet and swept back. Maybe it was because I had been searching for it all along. But I did see it finally. Had you told me 6 months ago that I would describe my face as more angular than not, I would have laughed at you.
I say all of this, because my transformation is there. It is noticeable. It is making me want to continue on the path even with my toes that are hurting when I walk/run. You know how I can absolutely say this? I have recently discovered this photo of me. It's taken in 1999/2000. I'm probably at my largest ever. Because I never weighed myself I'm guessing I'm close to 300. I cringe writing this. Not because it's not true and not because I haven't said it to myself. I cringe putting it out there to the world and admitting just how large I really was. Anyway, me:
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
197; Remembering
Today is the 11th anniversary of 9/11.
Today is about remembering those people who lost their lives. Those people who gave their lives to help. And those people who were left behind after it all stopped. I want us as a nation to never ever forget those people.
Each year I watch 9/11 Documentary. I watch it to remember the feeling of sorrow. I watch to remember the feeling of unity with my fellow Americans. I watch to make sure that I don't forget the impact this had on everyone.
If you were there or you watched on TV or you avoided the coverage...you were still impacted.
I pray for us all today. I pray that we can find the unity as a nation again instead of this divisive path we are on currently.
Much love, many prayers and lots of thoughts to everyone on this day.
Today is about remembering those people who lost their lives. Those people who gave their lives to help. And those people who were left behind after it all stopped. I want us as a nation to never ever forget those people.
Each year I watch 9/11 Documentary. I watch it to remember the feeling of sorrow. I watch to remember the feeling of unity with my fellow Americans. I watch to make sure that I don't forget the impact this had on everyone.
If you were there or you watched on TV or you avoided the coverage...you were still impacted.
I pray for us all today. I pray that we can find the unity as a nation again instead of this divisive path we are on currently.
Much love, many prayers and lots of thoughts to everyone on this day.
Monday, September 10, 2012
196.8; Random Thoughts About Clothes
1. I went shopping this weekend for clothes. I had to donate all of my fall/winter clothing as of last spring because it was way to big then. It would have had me swimming in them now. I'm a 14 or size large in most pants/jeans. I am a medium/large in tops. I'm being choosy when it comes to buying clothes. I don't have to buy just because it fits, I buy because I truly LOVE it. I buy with layering in mind, not to cover flaws, but to make sure that the item works in more than one way and I get use out of it.
2. I went shopping this weekend for clothes. I struggle with feeling so overwhelmed in clothing stores. These are the things that I never would have imagined would occur. When I was a teenager, my Mom complained that I would stand at a store's entrance, peer in and proclaim that there was nothing in there for me. I think that it was partly that I wasn't aware of my body and how to dress it and partly it was being a difficult teen. Now I stand at the entrance and almost want to give up because I have no idea where to start. I ended up telling the store employees that I lost weight and had no idea what size or style pant would fit me. The kid (when did they start letting children work? lol) at Gap, had no idea to help me, other than suggest skin tight, skinny jeans - which clearly are not my style, despite the fact that they are in style. The lady at Banana Republic was awesomely helpful. I ended up with no pants because I am in between sizes. But I had a better idea of what to look for in a few weeks.
3. I went shopping this weekend for clothes. Losing weight is expensive. Yes, the clothing that fits me is usually lower priced because it's not "extended sizes". However, as I said before, I had to ditch my whole wardrobe. Aside from a couple of sweatshirts that are broken in and comfy (but almost comically large), I have nothing in my closet that I did in March. Underwear, bras, workout clothes, casual every day clothes, work clothes, jeans, motorcycle riding clothes, winter clothes, falls/winter/spring jackets...all have been replaced or need to be bought yet. While losing the bulk of the weight I tried to be frugal and purchase from clearance racks and sales and honestly - Walmart. Now that I'm getting closer to my goal weight, I'm trying to think about whether or not I can swear it snug right now and potentially a little loose in the future. If the answer is yes, I'm willing to spend a bit more on the item.
4. I went shopping this weekend for shoes. I bet you thought I was going to say clothes again? In the past I went through shoes like water. I walked funny on my feet and would wear out soles pretty darn quickly. So I would buy cheep shoes every season and then toss them. But a couple of things have happened. One is that I'm not wearing out soles as quickly so my gait must have changed or is changing. Two is that my feet are shrinking. They're not as wide or tall (the part between my sole and the top of my foot). I need smaller sizes in some shoes. Three is that my freakishly large calves now fit into tall boots. (I can't wait to find some boots and shirts to wear this fall/winter. A phrase I thought you'd never hear me say...EVER.) I'm thinking more in line of buying shoes that will last and be an investment for several seasons/years.
Now my question to you...I donated my old wardrobe and didn't think about donating the costume jewelry that went with the outfits. Should I donate the things that I don't wear or keep them and hope that I can work them in? (I'm kind of in a purging/donating mood - can you tell?)
2. I went shopping this weekend for clothes. I struggle with feeling so overwhelmed in clothing stores. These are the things that I never would have imagined would occur. When I was a teenager, my Mom complained that I would stand at a store's entrance, peer in and proclaim that there was nothing in there for me. I think that it was partly that I wasn't aware of my body and how to dress it and partly it was being a difficult teen. Now I stand at the entrance and almost want to give up because I have no idea where to start. I ended up telling the store employees that I lost weight and had no idea what size or style pant would fit me. The kid (when did they start letting children work? lol) at Gap, had no idea to help me, other than suggest skin tight, skinny jeans - which clearly are not my style, despite the fact that they are in style. The lady at Banana Republic was awesomely helpful. I ended up with no pants because I am in between sizes. But I had a better idea of what to look for in a few weeks.
3. I went shopping this weekend for clothes. Losing weight is expensive. Yes, the clothing that fits me is usually lower priced because it's not "extended sizes". However, as I said before, I had to ditch my whole wardrobe. Aside from a couple of sweatshirts that are broken in and comfy (but almost comically large), I have nothing in my closet that I did in March. Underwear, bras, workout clothes, casual every day clothes, work clothes, jeans, motorcycle riding clothes, winter clothes, falls/winter/spring jackets...all have been replaced or need to be bought yet. While losing the bulk of the weight I tried to be frugal and purchase from clearance racks and sales and honestly - Walmart. Now that I'm getting closer to my goal weight, I'm trying to think about whether or not I can swear it snug right now and potentially a little loose in the future. If the answer is yes, I'm willing to spend a bit more on the item.
4. I went shopping this weekend for shoes. I bet you thought I was going to say clothes again? In the past I went through shoes like water. I walked funny on my feet and would wear out soles pretty darn quickly. So I would buy cheep shoes every season and then toss them. But a couple of things have happened. One is that I'm not wearing out soles as quickly so my gait must have changed or is changing. Two is that my feet are shrinking. They're not as wide or tall (the part between my sole and the top of my foot). I need smaller sizes in some shoes. Three is that my freakishly large calves now fit into tall boots. (I can't wait to find some boots and shirts to wear this fall/winter. A phrase I thought you'd never hear me say...EVER.) I'm thinking more in line of buying shoes that will last and be an investment for several seasons/years.
Now my question to you...I donated my old wardrobe and didn't think about donating the costume jewelry that went with the outfits. Should I donate the things that I don't wear or keep them and hope that I can work them in? (I'm kind of in a purging/donating mood - can you tell?)
Friday, September 07, 2012
197.6; Diet Food
Are you a label reader?
Are you a calorie counter?
Are you both?
I was, errr...am, uh...kind of. I read labels. A lot. I want to know what is in the food I buy. I try really hard to avoid prepackaged foods when I can. let's face it, if I want that creamy macaroni and cheese, I'm better off making my own and knowing what I put it it. Yes, it's still likely going to be not very good for me with the carbs, the high fat content of cheese and high calories. But here's the thing that I keep thinking about. If I really want mac & cheese and I spend the time to make it myself, I get the enjoyment from cooking, I know what I put in it, I can tweak it to my liking, I can substitute skim milk for full fat milk to make it lower in calories and I must really really want it to make it on a weeknight after working all day. I'm also much more likely to be satisfied by a smaller portion of it, if it's really good homemade stuff.
So I read labels a lot. And I used to be a calorie counter. For quite a while. I had an app on my iPhone and a journal and I'd log my food via SparkPeople sometimes. There was something very controlled and comforting about logging food and know where I stood with calories, fat, carbs and protein each meal. And I spent a lot of time at the grocery store reading labels and putting together meals based on the information from the package. It was as though my tracker was my Bible and the food boxes were my preacher speaking to me about the Bible. I relied on them both and gained lots of insight into my eating, my portions and what I was getting from my daily food intake.
So when I saw this story: Rosen's Study on "diet" Frozen Treats I was flabbergasted. It NEVER occurred to me that the label on the side or back of that package would be incorrect. Let alone, totally misleading. It makes me wonder if this is why calorie counters sometimes have such trouble losing weight without the help of a Weight Watchers group to help interpret foods. Then I realized that the two biggest offenders in the study were from Weight Watchers themselves. Very interesting, don't you think?
What does this all mean? Well, for me, it means that I have to remember I am my biggest advocate in ALL THINGS. And in the case of food, I can advocate for myself by continuing to try and limit my packaged food intake. When I buy pasta, fresh cheese, milk, butter and whole what flour to make mac and cheese, I know what I'm putting in it. (Yes I realize that some of those items are "packaged" but I do the best I can with what I have at the time.) When I buy the blue box mac and cheese, I'm tied to what they tell me they've put in it and what that means to the calorie count and all the other information on the side.
What does it mean for you?
Are you a calorie counter?
Are you both?
I was, errr...am, uh...kind of. I read labels. A lot. I want to know what is in the food I buy. I try really hard to avoid prepackaged foods when I can. let's face it, if I want that creamy macaroni and cheese, I'm better off making my own and knowing what I put it it. Yes, it's still likely going to be not very good for me with the carbs, the high fat content of cheese and high calories. But here's the thing that I keep thinking about. If I really want mac & cheese and I spend the time to make it myself, I get the enjoyment from cooking, I know what I put in it, I can tweak it to my liking, I can substitute skim milk for full fat milk to make it lower in calories and I must really really want it to make it on a weeknight after working all day. I'm also much more likely to be satisfied by a smaller portion of it, if it's really good homemade stuff.
So I read labels a lot. And I used to be a calorie counter. For quite a while. I had an app on my iPhone and a journal and I'd log my food via SparkPeople sometimes. There was something very controlled and comforting about logging food and know where I stood with calories, fat, carbs and protein each meal. And I spent a lot of time at the grocery store reading labels and putting together meals based on the information from the package. It was as though my tracker was my Bible and the food boxes were my preacher speaking to me about the Bible. I relied on them both and gained lots of insight into my eating, my portions and what I was getting from my daily food intake.
So when I saw this story: Rosen's Study on "diet" Frozen Treats I was flabbergasted. It NEVER occurred to me that the label on the side or back of that package would be incorrect. Let alone, totally misleading. It makes me wonder if this is why calorie counters sometimes have such trouble losing weight without the help of a Weight Watchers group to help interpret foods. Then I realized that the two biggest offenders in the study were from Weight Watchers themselves. Very interesting, don't you think?
What does this all mean? Well, for me, it means that I have to remember I am my biggest advocate in ALL THINGS. And in the case of food, I can advocate for myself by continuing to try and limit my packaged food intake. When I buy pasta, fresh cheese, milk, butter and whole what flour to make mac and cheese, I know what I'm putting in it. (Yes I realize that some of those items are "packaged" but I do the best I can with what I have at the time.) When I buy the blue box mac and cheese, I'm tied to what they tell me they've put in it and what that means to the calorie count and all the other information on the side.
What does it mean for you?
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