Surprise!

A year ago May, Pete and I bought the Harley. When he was looking at bikes, we talked a lot about what we wanted to do with the bike. Where we wanted to go, things to see and whether or not to join a club. Initially I was resistant to joining a motorcycle club. All those images of bad biker dudes played out in my head and that's just not me and frankly not Pete any more. He knew of a few clubs in our area that would be ok and we talked about them.

Pete put a deposit on the bike and we ended up at the dealer for one of their fundraising events. While there, Pete notices a guy walking around with a Dry Riders patch. He stopped him and started talking to him. Within a few minutes though he was whisked away to talk about his bike and I listened and chatted with this Dry Rider guy and his wife. Honestly I don't remember what we talked about. Other than the fact that they said they did a lot of camping. I kept thinking that it couldn't be much fun if he was riding his bike to camp outs and she had to drive a car with all the stuff (naive, huh?)

Anyway we exchanged numbers and went our separate ways. I couldn't tell if Pete was more excited about the bike or the club. Pete got the bike and I encouraged him to call the guy about joining. We were invited to the range ride at the end of May. And I can tell you that it was the most fun I had in a long time. The people were interesting, fun and so welcoming! It was amazing.

So Pete and I asked to prospect for the club. And we jumped in whole heartedly. We attended everything, every event even though the summer was filled with other obligations and planning our wedding. We met lots of new people, saw more of the state than I had ever seen and made new friends.

When I think about it, I tell Pete and we are lucky. Lucky that fate or God or something placed us in the dealer that day to meet these people. They have supported us in hard sad times, celebrated with us in joyful times and welcomed us into their lives. We are lucky. Very lucky.

Last night Pete and I were at the monthly meeting for the club. The full members were out of the room for quite a long time discussing the membership of someone who had completed the year of prospecting. When they came back they shocked Pete and I by having voted us in a little early. We are Dry Riders!!! I'm sure my face was all colors of red and my smile was all teeth. But mostly, my heart was full from the people in our lives.

Pretty Is What Changes

I keep thinking it over and over in my head. What does it mean? Is it that the only thing that changes in you if you have profolactic surgeries is your beauty? Is it that if you have the surgeries and go through all this, you're still the same person, but your idea of beauty changes?

I got the book yesterday. Pretty Is What Changes by Jessica Queller . I drove home and spent about 3 hours reading. And it was familiar, the reading. I can lose myself in a book quickly and race through it. About page 24 Pete asked me if I learned what I needed to learn. And it was then that I realized that I was looking for guidance in some sense from the book. Learn what to do from her choices and decisions in the book. At page 70 I realized that she had much the same relationship with her mom that I had with mine. Just a tumultuous relationship that ebbed and flowed and made life difficult.

Then I realized that I was racing through the book. It's what I usually do. Read quickly, not to get the book done, but to emerse myself in it. I tried to slow down and take in more.

Then I read a line that really hit me. She was upset that the clinic she was at kept refering to her as a patient because it was a cancer clinic. Then they explained that once you test positive for the mutation, you are considered a cancer patient. What a powerful label. Not powerful in a good way, but powerful.

I'm half way into the book. I had to stop last night so that I wasn't drownding in the subject. It really brings me down. I did learn that there is a message board called FORCE = Facing Our Risk of Cancer Empowered. Part of me wants to check it out and the other says that it will be more information than I can handle.

It looms over me

Sometimes it consumes me. Consumes my thoughts.

When everything else is silent and my brain is still.
When I look at the calendar.
When I hear an emotional song.
When I see the words 'breast cancer'.
When I think about my Mom.
When I'm in the shower.

It's all I can do to think of how my life would change. Of what would change in my relationship with Pete. Of what I'd have to go through. Wondering if I'm negative will my insurance still pay for increased preventative testing.

I know that the counselor said that my life would change even if the tests were negative. But I can't see it. I know that it's a strong factor in my health already. I know that there may be a day that I hear those words and I've prepared myself for the diagnosis. I've prepared myself to be vigilant in the fight to catch it. I can't see how my life would change if I was negative.

And I think of my mom. If she is positive will her life be any different? She's had a double mastectomy already. Her doctor has already suggested a hystorectomy. How would her life change?

I think of my sister and I cry. I cry because she has two beautiful children who need her. Her life would be truned upside down if she was positive. Would I feel guilty if she was positive and I was negative? I know that I would. I already have guilt issues. My heart races wondering if I could put her before me? Would I, could I take the bullet for her? I can only think of the eyes of her children and know that my guilt would eat me up.

I'm fearful today. I'm plagued by questions that run through my head like a deer. Darting here and there, quickly.

Sun

I need to look for something good. Something that is going to tell me that the world will be ok. Or rather my little part of the world will be ok. I chose the sun. It's finally out today. It's still cold, but sunny.

The spring sun is so warm. I don't know if it's the angle of the sun or the closeness of the sun, but it's warm. And I think that my favorite thing is to lay in the car where the sun shines through and heats up and doze. Of course it's the middle of the morning and I'm actually at my desk. So laying in the car right now isn't going to happen. But I can dream.

There, but for the grace of God, go I...

In other words, that could be me.

Sometimes it's so easy to pass judgement on others. I think that we, as outsiders feel like we have the whole picture. Sometimes we do and sometimes we don't. Sometimes when we're not in the middle of something, dealing with it all the time, we think that we have all the answers. Sometimes we do and sometimes we don't.

I'm struck lately with how much I learn as an adult. I'm not talking about learing math or english or science. I'm talking life lessons that I wonder if I've passed over previously. It took me a long time to learn that I can't please everyone and I have to please myself. It took me a while to learn that I may be scared to do something, but I'll regret the not doing it more than I would have been scared doing it. I've learned that I can't always control my destiny, but I can make the best of my present situation and learn for the future. All lessons that would have made my life easier a lot sooner had I learned them previously.

I've learned another one. I can't judge someone's desision, when I've made a similar decision myself. It was kind of like a smack in the face, this lesson. But a clear lesson. Crystal clear. And while it's nice to know that I'm not the only one who made a decision like this, a hard decision. It makes me sad that others go through the same hurt that I did. It also makes me question why I made the decision and other little decisions around it.

I know I'm being a bit criptic here. And well, it's intended to be so. I don't regret my decision, but I need to look forward from it. I need to not sit in wonder of whether or not it was right or what others would have done. I need to be more in the present, not the past or the future.