The girl, the dog and questions

I am usually lost in thought or talking to Pete while on the way home from work each day. Yesterday was no different. I spent the time thinking and listening to low music. I was just about home when I saw a little girl running down the road after a dog. I kept going, thinking that there was nothing I could do. A second later I was turning my truck around. I had a mental image of the girl seeing the dog hit by a car and it wasn't a good thing.

By the time I turned around to go back, the girl was laying on the ground crying and the dog was several hundred feet ahead of her. I pulled the truck up in front of the dog to cut it off and slow it down. When I got out I whistled the best I could, called and bent down low. The dog came over to me and got close, but not close enough for me to grab it. I stayed low hoping it would stick around me and rather than do that it took off again in the same direction.

I got up and walked aorund the truck to where the girl was running and I could tell she was scared. She was crying and upset. I asked her if she lived near there and she said that she lived in the same complex that I did. I asked if there was someone home who could help her and she was noncommital. As we were talking I watched the traffic and made sure that the dog crossed the busy street safely.

I turned back to the girl and asked if she wanted me to drive her to her house to get a parent to help her. She said no and I relized that I was asking a child to get in my vehicle, something that I wanted her to do, but that she shouldn't do. I asked her if she wanted to use my cell phone to call for help and she said no. She said that she was afraid per parents would be mad at her. I told her that they would be worried about her and that she was far from home.

She was insistant that she catch the dog by herself. I watched her cross the street so that she did so safely and told her that if she didn't catch the dog in the next 15 minutes she should probably go home and ask for help. I reminded her that it would getting dark soon and that she didn't want to be out on the busy road in the dark chasing a dog. She promised she would and ran to the house where the dog had taken off to.

I watched her for a short time and then got in my truck and drove home. I wonder if she caught the dog? I wonder if her parents were worried about her. Then I think that I should have figured out a way to get her to contact her parents to make sure that she was ok. Was she just a stubborn child who was determined to do this on her own or was I lacking in my ability to persuade her to do what I thought was best?

Admitting it....

Deep breath in....

It's been over a week now since I last spoke with my parents. Usually my Mom calls about once a week if I haven't called her for something. Just to say hi, to ask how I've been and see what is new in my life. Not this week. I'm admitting that it's always in the back of my brain. That I think about it often and that it does have an impact on me.

Deep breath out.

Favorites...

That picture there - to the right of the entries...it's my favorite place.

In the middle of the city, surrounded by highways, freeways, offices, shops and homes is this lake. It's oblong and wanders through a couple of buildings, under a couple of bridges and over to the marshy end. It's not very deep, maybe 4 feet. it's home to fish, birds, ducks, geese, frogs, rabbits and other small animals.

Towards one end, in the wide part of the lake is a fountain. It's on a moving platform that bobs and swirls and slides from side to side. It makes the fountain jump and twist and rock back and forth in the wind. At the other end of the lake you can rent paddle boats or pay the gondolier to push you through the water in a long black gondela for 30 minutes or an hour. In the winter the lake is drained to about 1 foot and frozen. Your shoes slip and slide along the ice and skaters glide past you gracefully. The kids giggling and they fly by.

All the way around the lake is a walking path. Some of it close to the lake on dirt, gravel and low. Some of it higher and on the pavement. One of the bridges is steep steps up and over the water. it lights up in the night to twinkle it's presence. The other bridge floats on the water and heaves back and forth when you walk over it.

On the path are the swings, benches and tables with chairs. The benches are hard and sit under trees that have shade during the summer and gently falling leaves in the fall. The swings are large wooden things that creak and squeek when you push them.

This is my favorite place. I've spent countless hours walking around this lake with the man I love. Spent many an afternoon or evening sitting on one particular swing at the end of the lake. Giggling, talking, laughing, crying, discussing, arguing. It's the place we go for relaxation, conversation and just to 'be'. It's generally quiet and a wonderful place to people watch. I've seen it in the first rush of spring when everything is just beginning to bloom. I've seen the hot summers where people on the paddle boats dare to go right up to the fountain. I've seen the icy winter frozen lake. And I've sat and watched the leaves change colors and fall to the ground slowly.

It's my favotire place.

To Pete, Love Michelle

Dear Pete,

Yesterday you did something amazing for me. I know you don't think that it is amazing, but it is. You went with me to the wedding fair. You didn't just blindly follow me, you looked at booths also. You didn't sit silent in the fashion shows, you gave your opinions and told me why you liked some of the dresses. You talked to the exhibitors and asked questions. You tried the cakes and the cheesecakes and we talked about what we each liked.

You could have just walked along like some of the other men there, not really wanting to be there. You didn't. And I love you for that. I love you more than I could ever describe.

I'm sad.

I don't quite know how else to say it, but I'm sad.

I spent the last 10 years thinking that my chances for a long and loving relationship with a man had passed. That I could be happy as a single person or a person dating, but not finding that one person for me.

I spent the last 10 years worried. Worried that with the health of my parents I wouldn't have them at my wedding. That my mom wouldn't be there to be excited for me, happy for me. That she wouldn't be there to help me plan this special day and share it with me. That my dad wouldn't be there to talk me down the isle and see me happy. That he wouldn't be there to give me to the man I loved.

And yet here I am. I'm happy, engaged and trying to get excited about planning a wedding. My parents are still with us and I was so very excited the night I got this beautiful ring from him. Yet in my head somewhere it occurred to me to wait to tell my parents until I could see them in person. To see their reaction. And my head was right. They were congratulatory, but not excited. And for 2 weeks I couldn't put my finger on it, although I knew there was something.

Earlier this week I went to my parents to ask my mom to go to a wedding event. Instead she questioned me about him. About his past. She reasearched him on the internet. I was shocked. I was floored. I was hurt. Not hurt that they found something and asked about it, they are parents and should be concerned. Incredibly hurt that they searched. That they looked almost hoping to find something to disuade me.

Gosh, never in my wildest dreams did it ever occurr to me that they wouldn't be happy just to see me happy. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine planning a wedding wouldn't be fun.


So here I am at a crossroads.

One half of me wants to run away and get married somewhere and live a wonderful life, the two of us. One half of me says that I can't let them dictate my happiness and I should have the wedding I want and just send them an invite to it all. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want them to approach me and offer up their happiness. And I'd be lying if I said that at times opetion A is more to my liking and others, option B is what I need.