Deep breath in....
It's been over a week now since I last spoke with my parents. Usually my Mom calls about once a week if I haven't called her for something. Just to say hi, to ask how I've been and see what is new in my life. Not this week. I'm admitting that it's always in the back of my brain. That I think about it often and that it does have an impact on me.
Deep breath out.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Favorites...
That picture there - to the right of the entries...it's my favorite place.
In the middle of the city, surrounded by highways, freeways, offices, shops and homes is this lake. It's oblong and wanders through a couple of buildings, under a couple of bridges and over to the marshy end. It's not very deep, maybe 4 feet. it's home to fish, birds, ducks, geese, frogs, rabbits and other small animals.
Towards one end, in the wide part of the lake is a fountain. It's on a moving platform that bobs and swirls and slides from side to side. It makes the fountain jump and twist and rock back and forth in the wind. At the other end of the lake you can rent paddle boats or pay the gondolier to push you through the water in a long black gondela for 30 minutes or an hour. In the winter the lake is drained to about 1 foot and frozen. Your shoes slip and slide along the ice and skaters glide past you gracefully. The kids giggling and they fly by.
All the way around the lake is a walking path. Some of it close to the lake on dirt, gravel and low. Some of it higher and on the pavement. One of the bridges is steep steps up and over the water. it lights up in the night to twinkle it's presence. The other bridge floats on the water and heaves back and forth when you walk over it.
On the path are the swings, benches and tables with chairs. The benches are hard and sit under trees that have shade during the summer and gently falling leaves in the fall. The swings are large wooden things that creak and squeek when you push them.
This is my favorite place. I've spent countless hours walking around this lake with the man I love. Spent many an afternoon or evening sitting on one particular swing at the end of the lake. Giggling, talking, laughing, crying, discussing, arguing. It's the place we go for relaxation, conversation and just to 'be'. It's generally quiet and a wonderful place to people watch. I've seen it in the first rush of spring when everything is just beginning to bloom. I've seen the hot summers where people on the paddle boats dare to go right up to the fountain. I've seen the icy winter frozen lake. And I've sat and watched the leaves change colors and fall to the ground slowly.
It's my favotire place.
In the middle of the city, surrounded by highways, freeways, offices, shops and homes is this lake. It's oblong and wanders through a couple of buildings, under a couple of bridges and over to the marshy end. It's not very deep, maybe 4 feet. it's home to fish, birds, ducks, geese, frogs, rabbits and other small animals.
Towards one end, in the wide part of the lake is a fountain. It's on a moving platform that bobs and swirls and slides from side to side. It makes the fountain jump and twist and rock back and forth in the wind. At the other end of the lake you can rent paddle boats or pay the gondolier to push you through the water in a long black gondela for 30 minutes or an hour. In the winter the lake is drained to about 1 foot and frozen. Your shoes slip and slide along the ice and skaters glide past you gracefully. The kids giggling and they fly by.
All the way around the lake is a walking path. Some of it close to the lake on dirt, gravel and low. Some of it higher and on the pavement. One of the bridges is steep steps up and over the water. it lights up in the night to twinkle it's presence. The other bridge floats on the water and heaves back and forth when you walk over it.
On the path are the swings, benches and tables with chairs. The benches are hard and sit under trees that have shade during the summer and gently falling leaves in the fall. The swings are large wooden things that creak and squeek when you push them.
This is my favorite place. I've spent countless hours walking around this lake with the man I love. Spent many an afternoon or evening sitting on one particular swing at the end of the lake. Giggling, talking, laughing, crying, discussing, arguing. It's the place we go for relaxation, conversation and just to 'be'. It's generally quiet and a wonderful place to people watch. I've seen it in the first rush of spring when everything is just beginning to bloom. I've seen the hot summers where people on the paddle boats dare to go right up to the fountain. I've seen the icy winter frozen lake. And I've sat and watched the leaves change colors and fall to the ground slowly.
It's my favotire place.
Monday, January 14, 2008
To Pete, Love Michelle
Dear Pete,
Yesterday you did something amazing for me. I know you don't think that it is amazing, but it is. You went with me to the wedding fair. You didn't just blindly follow me, you looked at booths also. You didn't sit silent in the fashion shows, you gave your opinions and told me why you liked some of the dresses. You talked to the exhibitors and asked questions. You tried the cakes and the cheesecakes and we talked about what we each liked.
You could have just walked along like some of the other men there, not really wanting to be there. You didn't. And I love you for that. I love you more than I could ever describe.
Yesterday you did something amazing for me. I know you don't think that it is amazing, but it is. You went with me to the wedding fair. You didn't just blindly follow me, you looked at booths also. You didn't sit silent in the fashion shows, you gave your opinions and told me why you liked some of the dresses. You talked to the exhibitors and asked questions. You tried the cakes and the cheesecakes and we talked about what we each liked.
You could have just walked along like some of the other men there, not really wanting to be there. You didn't. And I love you for that. I love you more than I could ever describe.
Friday, January 11, 2008
I'm sad.
I don't quite know how else to say it, but I'm sad.
I spent the last 10 years thinking that my chances for a long and loving relationship with a man had passed. That I could be happy as a single person or a person dating, but not finding that one person for me.
I spent the last 10 years worried. Worried that with the health of my parents I wouldn't have them at my wedding. That my mom wouldn't be there to be excited for me, happy for me. That she wouldn't be there to help me plan this special day and share it with me. That my dad wouldn't be there to talk me down the isle and see me happy. That he wouldn't be there to give me to the man I loved.
And yet here I am. I'm happy, engaged and trying to get excited about planning a wedding. My parents are still with us and I was so very excited the night I got this beautiful ring from him. Yet in my head somewhere it occurred to me to wait to tell my parents until I could see them in person. To see their reaction. And my head was right. They were congratulatory, but not excited. And for 2 weeks I couldn't put my finger on it, although I knew there was something.
Earlier this week I went to my parents to ask my mom to go to a wedding event. Instead she questioned me about him. About his past. She reasearched him on the internet. I was shocked. I was floored. I was hurt. Not hurt that they found something and asked about it, they are parents and should be concerned. Incredibly hurt that they searched. That they looked almost hoping to find something to disuade me.
Gosh, never in my wildest dreams did it ever occurr to me that they wouldn't be happy just to see me happy. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine planning a wedding wouldn't be fun.
So here I am at a crossroads.
One half of me wants to run away and get married somewhere and live a wonderful life, the two of us. One half of me says that I can't let them dictate my happiness and I should have the wedding I want and just send them an invite to it all. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want them to approach me and offer up their happiness. And I'd be lying if I said that at times opetion A is more to my liking and others, option B is what I need.
I spent the last 10 years thinking that my chances for a long and loving relationship with a man had passed. That I could be happy as a single person or a person dating, but not finding that one person for me.
I spent the last 10 years worried. Worried that with the health of my parents I wouldn't have them at my wedding. That my mom wouldn't be there to be excited for me, happy for me. That she wouldn't be there to help me plan this special day and share it with me. That my dad wouldn't be there to talk me down the isle and see me happy. That he wouldn't be there to give me to the man I loved.
And yet here I am. I'm happy, engaged and trying to get excited about planning a wedding. My parents are still with us and I was so very excited the night I got this beautiful ring from him. Yet in my head somewhere it occurred to me to wait to tell my parents until I could see them in person. To see their reaction. And my head was right. They were congratulatory, but not excited. And for 2 weeks I couldn't put my finger on it, although I knew there was something.
Earlier this week I went to my parents to ask my mom to go to a wedding event. Instead she questioned me about him. About his past. She reasearched him on the internet. I was shocked. I was floored. I was hurt. Not hurt that they found something and asked about it, they are parents and should be concerned. Incredibly hurt that they searched. That they looked almost hoping to find something to disuade me.
Gosh, never in my wildest dreams did it ever occurr to me that they wouldn't be happy just to see me happy. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine planning a wedding wouldn't be fun.
So here I am at a crossroads.
One half of me wants to run away and get married somewhere and live a wonderful life, the two of us. One half of me says that I can't let them dictate my happiness and I should have the wedding I want and just send them an invite to it all. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want them to approach me and offer up their happiness. And I'd be lying if I said that at times opetion A is more to my liking and others, option B is what I need.
Monday, December 31, 2007
2007 is ending...
For the longest time I would stand outside at night and stare up into the sky. I'd mutter under my breath "Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight. Wish I may, wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight." Then I'd wish for that special man who would understand me, love me, allow me to be who am I and make me happy. For years the wish never came true. And I thought my prince charming would never come along. I thought that he was lost somewhere and we would never meet. With each year, I'd get more and more close up. More and more withdrawn. Almost building a shell to make sure that no one saw just how lonely and ALONE I was. How sad and tired and uninspired with life I was.
But in 2007 my wish came true.
I'w with a man who has made me more me than anyone else has ever come close to. A man who looks at me and I see in his eyes who I really am. I see a man who cares for me whether or not I'm just out out the shower and all put together or just off the treadmill looking spent. A man who willing does things for me because he loves me. A man who lets me say and do things that I've always wanted to, been been too afraid to try. A man who fills in the blank spaces in my life with happiness and joy.
I watched him sleep one day. His face scruffy with whiskers, slack from relaxation of sleep. I watched him breath in and out at rest. I watched him and realized that I am so thankful for him. For how and when he came into my life. For what he gives me and what he lets me give him. I need him and he needs me.
So on 12/23/07 he presented me with a beautiful ring. A ring that means that we will share everything forever. That I don't have to live without him again. And I am happy.
But in 2007 my wish came true.
I'w with a man who has made me more me than anyone else has ever come close to. A man who looks at me and I see in his eyes who I really am. I see a man who cares for me whether or not I'm just out out the shower and all put together or just off the treadmill looking spent. A man who willing does things for me because he loves me. A man who lets me say and do things that I've always wanted to, been been too afraid to try. A man who fills in the blank spaces in my life with happiness and joy.
I watched him sleep one day. His face scruffy with whiskers, slack from relaxation of sleep. I watched him breath in and out at rest. I watched him and realized that I am so thankful for him. For how and when he came into my life. For what he gives me and what he lets me give him. I need him and he needs me.
So on 12/23/07 he presented me with a beautiful ring. A ring that means that we will share everything forever. That I don't have to live without him again. And I am happy.
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