My Wishes

Lately I've been thinking about what I have a house. Honestly I don't know why I've been thinking that. The townhouse we're in is where we're going to be at for a while. It's valued at about 65% of what I paid for it 4 years ago so we're upside down for now.

Maybe it's spring with all the things blooming around me. Or maybe it's Reese Dixon and reading about the house she was leaving and the house she went to. Or maybe it's because I've been reading about the things that The Pioneer Woman has been buying and planting. Or maybe it's because I just long for a space that I can call my own to mold into what I want.

I know that I want to plant some Lily of the Valley by my fictious house. I love the smell of them this time of the year. Actually I love the smell anytime. My parents have some in front of their house and they've tried to get rid of them several times and they slowly find their way back to life. They also had ferns in the planting beds and although they wanted those at one time, they now don't and can't get rid of those either. I can't help loving the smell and the delicate nature of the lily of the valley.







I know that I want a flowering crab apple tree in my yard. Several of them in fact. I love the beautiful blooms this time of year. She shockingly pink blooms against the blue of the spring skies. My Grandma had one in the side yard for years. Beautiful pink blooms that when they fell, you'd swear it was snowing pink. I spent many Mother's Day gatherings at her house in the backyard looking at that tree.





I know that I want a hedge of lilacs in my backyard. Have you ever looked at the individual lilac blossom? It's 4 petals and they are so dainty and perfect and so...lilac colored. I have always loved the smell of the lilac and even tried to get my parents to give up some of their bushes for my old house. About 2 years ago Pete and I were walking at Centennial Lakes and I pulled off some individual blossoms and commented how pretty they were.



What else do I want? I know that I want a large kitchen and a bathroom big enough for Pete and I. I want a garage for all the toys and a sunporch or deck to sit out on in summer evenings. Pete? He considers a house a "good house" if you can walk naked in your backyard without neighbors seeing you and getting upset. That's his definition of a great house.

Obsession

I can see how people become obsessive. I've mentioned previously about how I 'worry' my rings. I pull them off and on my finger to see how easily they go off and on again to judge where I am in my weight loss. I slide my watch on and off to do the same thing. The feeling that I get when those things come off easily and slide easily back on is addictive. It's addictive that I do it probably 30 times a day.

In the last couple of weeks I haven't been working out regularly. Life, as they say, has gotten in the way.

I've become even more addicted to my rings and my watch. I listen to people talk and slide them. I watch TV and slide them. I read something on my computer and slide them. I wonder what others think?

The watch? It's gotten tighter. I can't slidfe it off as easily as I could a week ago. The rings? They still slide easily. In fact, if I'm cold and I put my hands in water, my rings are in danger of sliding off themselves.

But I can see how people become obsessive about it all.

the bump

Ok, I know that when you look at this picture, it doesn't seem like much. But it hurts. :(

The scar in the middle of the bump is about 1 inch top to bottom. The white line was red and raised a few milimeters to the touch. The bump is about 1 inch wide from edge to edge and top to bottom. It's raised about 1/4-1/2 inch from my chest.

I got a referral to the plastic surgeon on Thursday. I need this thing out.

On hold

I feel like I'm on hold lately. I had great momentum in February and March with working out and eating. In the last couple of weeks I feel like I'm on hold. It's making me nervous. I don't want to lose momentum with working out. I don't want to lose the push to get to the gym and do it.

My cyst is pulled so tight that I can't do much of anything. I finally found a plastic surgeon who can see me on Thursday. I'm hoping that I can get the thing taken out soon and get back at it.

HI/Low

Did you ever play that game as a kid? What was your one/two/three high points of the day and the same for the low points. I learned about it as an adult. I suppose that in a round about way we did this at the dinner table each night with my parents, it just wasn't structured the same.

At any rate, here I go:

Weekend Low Points: 1. Migraine. The imitrex only made me feel worse. So much worse that at this point, I'd rather suffer with the migraine. 2. My sebaceous cyst (warning, pictures on the link) is back. It's located on my breastbone. I had it taken out 2 years ago and the result was one raised, red, hard scar about 1 inch in length. I massaged the heck out of that scar, but the surgeon just did a really bad job on it and nothing I did made it go away. I wanted to have a plastic surgeon look at it and I guess now I'll get my chance. It's about the size of a marble currently. And not only is it pressing on my breastbone, but it's pressing out against the skin, pulling the scar flat and hurting the skin. It's making it impossible to lift weights will my arms and walking/running/elliptical is difficult because it hurts to breath fast.

Weekend High Points: 1. I fit into my pants, tops, motorcycle jackets and chaps that I bought when Pete bought his bike 2 years ago. It's a relief to be able to wear those things. It's a boost to keep doing what I'm doing. And frankly, I just feel better about myself. 2. Pete decided on Friday that we should take all 4 nieces/nephews to the MOA and Nick Universe on Saturday. So we did. They were wonderful! And we all had fun. My niece Alison is such a little daredevil - just like her mom at that age. She went on all the big rollercoasters with Pete and LOVED them all!

Grant on the left, Matthew walking a little ahead of him, Pete and Allie. Alison must be running ahead of Pete.

Alison, Grant and Allie on the Thomas the Train ride. Grant is OBSESSED with Thomas and wanted to go up front and say hi to him. The ride girl had to shepard him back to the cars to get on.

I know it's not the best picture, but look at the smiles! You can tell they all had find on this ride, no matter their ages. Matthew, Allie, Alison & Grant.

And finally, because I actually like the picture that Alison took of me...Me.

the best of intentions

It's never ever been my intention to hurt someone. Although I suppose few people set out to hurt someone. Especially someone they love. Mine is an issue that keeps coming back up and although I try to change, for some reason it doesn't stick. Like they usually do, things get better for a while and then slip back into nothingness and the hurt returns. I'm sure the hurt compounds each time this happens. Today, the words just struck me - I'm knowingly hurting someone I love. Knowingly. How horrible is that? So along with my changes in health and gym and eating, I need to change this. I need to stop knowingly hurting. There is no excuse.

Do you honor your food?

I was watching Top Chef Masters the other day (because I'm a reality junkie). One of the chefs was this very down to eart woman who didn't have much formal training, but had years of on the job training. Chef Monica Pope's episode

She explained that she is competing to win money for her charity that promotes kids growing vegetables, learning where they come from, how to cook with them and honoring their food.

I didn't think much of it at the time. Although I really do like the programs that are teaching kids where food comes from and gardening and growing process. I like the White House Vegetable Garden that not only feeds the White House, but sends the grown food to charities in the area. I even like Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution. I think that my mother and grandmother's generation relied on vegetable gardens and knowing where the food came from. My generation got, well...lazy to be honest. We were more impressed with buying ready made food than working for the food. And that translated into the generation after me never knowing where their food came from. So I applaud those programs to start teaching the younger kids this information. And I love that gardening is "in" again.

But on the way home the other night I thought about it. I have a half pint of strawberries on my counter, going bad. Yet I haven't eaten or used them. Twice in the last 2 weeks I've bought a pineapple and it sat on my counter going dry and brown until I threw it away. Regularly I throw away veggies that I have every intention of eating when I purchase them, yet don't.

I don't always honor my food. I need to get better at this.

So this weekend I'm going grocery shopping. I'm going to hit Costco for buld fresh fruit & veggies. Trader Joes for the other good stuff (and my Fage yogurt that I have been out of) and Cub Foods for the remainder. I am going to shop with purpose and make sure that the food I'm purchasing CAN be consumed before it goes bad. I'm going to shop healthy for me and Pete. And I'm going to honor the food that someone has taken time to grow and produce by using it to nurish my body.

My Wedding shirt...

I know you all are going to think I'm nuts, and maybe I am. But I went home last night and tried on my wedding dress.

Now hear me out. Shortly before Pete and I got married my sister had a shower for us. After the shower I changed into a button down shirt so that she could take pictures of us to use on a carbox. (man I was a little do it yourselfer when it came to wedding things..) The shirt was tight when I put it on. It's a simple black buttondown shirt with grey dots on it. But it was tight around my hips - where everything is always tight.

Yesterday I was noticing that my work pants were loose and then it occurred to me that my wedding shirt (as I affectionately call it) was loose. On the way home I wondered if I could fit into my wedding dress. So naturally when I got home and got dinner started, I pulled it out of the downstairs clsoet and put it on.

It zipped. And honestly I fit into it like I did on my wedding day (all of 19 months ago). I swished around in it and Pete asked what the noise was so I showed him. He laughed and then got serious and told me how beautiful I looked in it. (aww!) That is why I love that man.

The point is that I fit into it. I'm a couple of pounds heavier than I was on my wedding day. And the heavier doesn't feel good. But it feels good to be getting down to where I was before so I can go down even further.

{oh and I didn't get up for the gym this morning. I slept so hard that I slept through my alarm and Pete had already left. Tomorrow's another day.}

And I hacked and I hacked until I blew the house down...

ok, not really. But it feels like it. How about coughed and coughed and coughed until I put a new cough drop in?

I swear that laying on one side in bed causes this weird sensation of my whole head draining to one side. Add to that, when upright, my head has that pressure headache thing going on. And then throw in that I can't walk a flight of stairs at work or drink a cup of water from my water bottle without getting winded. My every intention is to go to the gym tomorrow.

Ask me my intention tomorrow when the alarm goes off at 5 am.

I figure that I can still get a really good stretch (my back is killing me from laying around), some weights lifted and maybe a 20 minute slow walk on the treadmill. I feel like I need to do something, anything to keep my momentum before I lose it.

I feel like a slug

I haven't worked out since the great kettlebell incident of last week. I haven't been logging my food all week.

I can say that as of Friday I weighed 248, 18 pounds lost. I lost even though I didn't do much. Pete says it's because my metabolism is changing. I still feel like a slug for not working out. Then I walk up the stairs and realize I can hardly breathe from this cold/sinus infection. Working out right now would be silly.

Almost normal..

I can't remember a time that I was that sore after something. I dumped my motorcycle and slid down a hill last summer in Missouri and I wasn't that sore. Those kettlebells really work a whole huge amount of muscles and they work them good... I can walk normally, but my legs and bum are still sore. Pete laughs at me every time I groan when I take a step or walk.

I have a confession...I haven't worked out since the Great Kettlebell Incident. This is the longest that I've not worked out since January. It's kind of driving me crazy. And it's making me nervous. I don't want to fall into the not working out trap again. And I'm even more concerned about weighing myself tomorrow. I hope I at least maintained.

My other issue is that I have a sinus infection. The tree pollen a week or so again was just too much for my sinus'. I started getting the sore throat on Tuesday and my yesterday morning my throat was on fire, my head was plugged up and I was feeling horrible. So I called into work and stayed in bed. I slept most of the day. I'm hoping that with the rains and by taking it easy & drinking lots of fluids I can get it to go away. If it's not gone by Monday I'll have to go in.

Oh and if you could say a little prayer that the rain that is coming down and was supposed to be gone by now ISN'T coming in all the windows I opened at home, that would be good. lol

I can't walk

I mean I can, but it's mighty painful. I think I need that recliner chair that lifts you out of your seat to a standing position. No, I know that I need it. I'll walk normally again someday, right?

(this post brought to you by kettelbells of America)

*sigh* kettlebells are out

It's been 7 hours since the kettlebell class and my knee and leg is killing me. :( My knee is cracking when I walk and I know that it's not a good thing because that's what it did at Christmas when I hurt it. My thigh is on fire on the outside, right above the knee and to the inside of the knee. All those areas that my physical therapist touched on this winter. It feels like it did when they were way to rough during one of the sessions and overworked the muscles causing them to flare up.

So I sadly texted Pete that the kettlebells are out. I really am sad. I want some variety in my workouts so that it's fresh and keeps me motivated and inspired.

Motorcycles and Kettelbells

First the motorcycle. Pete and I rode for about 5 hours yesterday, off and on. My mind tends to come up with the most awesome blog posts on that bike. It's me, my mind and the open road, so I become really philosophical. LOL I couldn't help but think of all the things in my life that I or someone around me told me that couldn't or shouldn't be done. Of all the opportunities that I wasted in the past because I was afraid or had been told that I couldn't/shouldn't do it. The fact that I bought a motorclycle and put 3400 miles on it in less than 90 days and rode all the way to the Ozarks last year is AMAZING. And while I still had people telling me that I couldn't or shouldn't do it, I did it. I made a stand. So the next time someone tells you that you couldn't or shouldn't do something or you're too afraid to do it, think again and take that chance.

Kettlebells. I made it. Firstly, I accomplished 1/3 classes for my April goal. I actually attended my first fitness class! Cool. I was afraid (silly I know) that I'd be a dork who coulnd't do it, but I did it.

As for the class it's self, I liked it. It is both cardio and weights. It had me sweating within 15 minutes and teh last 10 minutes I was wondering how far he was going to push me! I modified what I could do for some of the moves. I liked it so much that I think I'm going to join the 6 week class. And Pete's going to come with me. Something that we can do together. I think I would have done better, but my siatic nerve is RAGING right now. (see the above motorcycle seat for the cause of that). Hopefully I can get it calmed down and keep going with the class.

16 pounds and two derringers

As of today I've lost 16 pounds. And I've lost 6 inches in my hips (my most dreaded area!) and 4 inches in my thights (my other dreaded area!). I'm just very happy that I keep loosing. It's my goal. Even though I have not been as vigilent about my nutrition or as intense in my workouts this week.

The best part? I have derringers. You know those tiny 2 shot guns? Lame? It's my attempt at humor to say that someday I'll have guns for arm muscles. I was reaching over to the nightstand last night and niticed that my upper/inside arm muscle flexed and popped out. It shocked me. So I did it again. And again. And when Pete came in the room I did it for him. A couple of times.

I have arm muscles! If it wasn't for the waddle under the arms I'd totally be showing these off to the whole world and wearing tank tops to work. Ok, I'm kidding about the tank tops.

I also got my New Balance 760's from Zappos yesterday and tried them out at the gym this morning. I totally recommend Zappos to anyone ordering shoes. They arrived in 3 days and were about the same price as if I could find them around here. I hope Pete's shoes work for him. I'm seriously considering ordering a second pair and using one in the gym and one when I walk outside all summer. We'll see.

Happy weekend!

Yesterday was good

You know how you have days that are just plain good? Well yesterday was one of them. I peeked at the scale at the doctor's office and it told me that my scale at home was on track! I was so excited I think I smiled the whole visit. My doctor was so impressed about the weight loss and encouraged me to keep at it. I'll take all the encouragement I can get. I feed off of it right now.

Then Pete and I went t American Burger Bar for dinner. I had the turkey burger with swiss cheese on a cibatta bun and sweet potato fries. I ate the whole burger, but only half the bun. I do that often. I'll cut the buger/sandwich in half and eat one whole half. The second half I'll eat what's inside and leave the rest of the bun. I'd rather have the insides most the time anyway. The sweet potato fries were fried, not baked. So I only had a handful.

Then Bon Jovi. *sigh*

They had very cool screens. It looked like one big screen at times and then they would break it up into sticks, squares or individual cubes. Even Pete was impressed by the show.

Here they are singing kind of unplugged. Jon gave keyboardist David Bryan crap for playing the accordian. It was pretty funny. But they sounded great and it was cool to see them like that.

See? Even Bon Jovi is a MN Vikings fan. Someone in the crowd actually had the shirt made and he took it from the person and wore in during the last songs in the concert.

On a kind of related note. Sometimes I feel like a fraud for not putting a picture of the whole me on here to document where I was, am and will be. So I had Pete take a picture of me. Here goes...

You probably can't tell, but my pants are so loose that I need to keep pulling them up. The waistband falls from my waist to just above my hips all the time. But the next sized down pants that I have are bit tight. So tight that I don't feel comfortable in them. I think they're probably ok, but I'm so used to loose pants that they feel extra tight. That and they are a different style than the pants I've been wearing.

Soon though. Soon.

All signed up

I did it. I signed up for a free kettlebell class at the Y next week. Have you seen these kettlebells ? I saw them a couple of years ago at Target and made fun of them with Pete in the exercise aisle. I can't wait to see how they use them. Truth be told, I'm a little anxious that I'll look like the big dork in the corner who can't follow a class. But I'm trying, right? And if it works out to be a good exercise, I'll probably get a set of kettlebells to take on the weekend camping trips so that I can work out.

I have to get weighed today. Yearly physical and all. I'm hoping for a good number on the doctor's scale. It's usually different than my scale at home. Maybe it's better? lol

Tonight I get to see my guy. No, not Pete. this guy. Although Pete is reluctantly coming with me. He's doing it because he loves me, not because he loves Bon Jovi. Actually he can't stand one of the new songs that I'm sure they will play. But I love him for loving me enough to go to this concert. I was referred to American Burger Bar for dinner before the show. It looks delicious. Right now I plan on having that turkey burger with a side salador sweet potato fries. But the number on that scale at the doctor's office may change that. If it's really good I'll get a real burger. If it's bad, I'll be getting a salad with all the bad stuff left off.

Much Better, kind of

I have a much better attitude today. I'm still kind of sad about the fact that I can't seem to motivate myself. I rely on others around me, whether it's real motivation or perceived, to get me working out. By perceived, I mean that even though the people at the gym have nothing to do with me while I'm there, they still motivate me. I still think that they're going to think I'm some wimp if I give up after a couple of minutes. Weirdly it motivates me to keep going. I need to work on motivating myself.

I wonder what motivates others to do things on their own?

I had a great workout this morning. I thought I'd only be able to do about 15 minutes on the ellipticl, but I did 25. I lifted weights for about 25 minutes also. Focusing on my arms and shoulders.

So today, I am good again. Other than the face that my face is so swollen from all the tree pollen that I looked lopsided after sleeping on my right side all night. I can't wait for spring to be over so that summer is here and the trees are mostly leafed out.

It's about the weight but not about the weight

Saturday was our Easter celebration. I think I made good food choices. I had 2 helpings of salad with veggies and very little dressing. I had ham, very little potatoes, asparagus and a bite of bread. I was disappointed in my desserts and the calories I had saved so I could eat them. I was disappointed. Strange feeling for me.

Yesterday the gym was closed and I was almost out of sorts. I didn't know what to do with myself. Not only did working out burn calories, but it takes up a good chunk of my day. And I didn't know what to do with myself. It makes me think that this journey is about the weight, but it's about everything other than the weight too.

I tried to walk on the treadmill at home. Tried. But I was the only one keeping me accountable and I'm not a good motivator right now. That makes me sad.

I did keep myself busy all morning and early afternoon. Working on cleaning, running around the house. Then Pete and I went to dinner with his family. And I TALKED myself into believing that I DESERVED a high carb, high fat meal. I again ate 2 servings of salad and only ate half my meal. But I ate it.

I didn't deserve that meal. Because here I am 24 hours later at home feeling yucky all day. I deserve good food that feeds my body and makes me feel good. I deserve food that not only tastes good, but leaves me feeling good.

I need to make this about the other stuff rather than the weight.

14 pounds

I stepped onto the scale and found that I lost a total of 14 pounds. Yay me. I don't notice it so much in my torso, but my jeans are loose. If this keeps up, I'll need to go jeans shopping in April. Or I'll need to start going through my closet and find the lower sizes.

The other night Pete and I were laying in bed and my tummy was just a gumbling away. He told me to feed it. But I like that feeling. I can honestly say that in the last 30 years I really never felt hungry. I mean I new that I needed to eat and I ate. Bellieve me, I ate plenty. But I never got that hungry feeling. It made me think I was weird and I didn't like it. So when my tummy rumbles in the morning, or late at night I'm glad. I want that hunger feeling.

I'm not starving myself - I promise. I'm eating between 1300-1700 calories a day, low carb and low fat. I'm working out 40 minutes cardio and 15-20 minutes of weights, 6 days a week. I think I'm doing great.

I have a secret.

Ready?

I'm afraid to try a class at the Y. I'm afraid that I can't do the moves because I've never done them before. I'm afraid that I won't be able to keep up. I'm afraid everyone will look at me with pity in their eyes about all that.

I hate that I have this fear. Hate it. I've been working out for 2 months as of today. I can do 3.5 miles on the treadmill in about 50 minutes. I can do 35 minutes on the elliptical at a 6 cross and 4 resistance. I can lift weights with my arms and legs. I can work on my core.

But it's all a singular thing. Not that it's a bad thing to work out like that, by yourself. But just once, I'd like to try one of those hot sweaty, get you moving classes.

I think I need to challenge myself and by the end of April try 3 classes. What do you think?