*sigh*

I have to say that Traci's funeral was wonderful. I am incredibly pissed off at myself for not coming to Chicago to see her when I could hug her, see her smile and hold her hand. But I shall get over it. It's just that from now on, when the opportunity presents it's self, I'll be sure to take it.

Nicole from our message board wrote a lovely letter and Beth read it. It shared the relationship that we had with her. Then people started coming up to talk about Traci. They were stories of fun and laughter, just like Traci. There were others who were there who had never met her, except on message boards and gamming sites. There was her boss who talked about her avility to make the most mundane tasks fun and interesting. And afterwards, people were cming up to Beth comlpimenting her and the group of women.

And it made me think.

We hold a special relationship. We've known each other for 6 years or so. That's a lot of time. And even though it's mostly through technology, it's still a valid relationship. The internet, for all it's problems, has also created wonderful things. And this was a true testiment to that.

So now everyone goes back to their lives, a little sad, a little changed. We settle in and are more aware of the fragile life. We understand that the friendships are forever and that we need to feed them by any means to keep them alive. And we remember.

I keep thinking things like "What World Shimmy Do?" or WWSD? *giggle* She'd like that. I also keep thinking of the play Our Town and how the woman looks back to when she was 12, after she has passed away. I sense a Shimmy on my shoulder at times. Pushing, giggling, instigating and supporting me.

Crying and laughing

I've been doing a lot of both the last few days. Mostly I feel like I am searching for something and I can't quite find it. I guess it would help if I knew what I was searching for.

At any rate I am off tomorrow to go to Chicago for Traci's funeral. I could kick myself silly for not making time to get there before this. But I'm going now. Never take it for granted, ok?

And if you could, keep Alison in your prayers. She has to have surgery tomorrow on her teeth. She's 7 and has permanent teeth that are stuck because the baby teeth won't fall out. Poor kid is going to be in some pain.

Don't Postpone Joy

Thursday night I was laying in bed watching TV with Pete. My phone rang and a woman said "Hi this is Becky." My mind searched for a Becky and I told her that I didn't know anyone by that name and she must have the wrong number. Then she called me my message board name.
So while my mind was still trying to recover from that she said "Traci is dead, she was hit by a train." My heart dropped. I was in disbelief and I froze. She started explaining and then had to go after asking me to post the news on the message board we're a part of. I hung up and stared at my phone. I tried to explain to Pete what happened and stared. I went on the message board and sat there, refreshing the page. I was sure that it was a hoax, so I waited about 15 minutes before I finally decided it wasn't a hoax and I needed to post the news.

That was 4 days ago. I still can't look at or hear a train without getting sick to my stomach. I know that I need to ride one soon though so that I can get over that feeling. I can't bear to see her smiling profile picture on Facebook without crying. I think it's because I can hear her smile. So I keep looking at it. I pull out the black boots that I have from the closet and stare at them because she loved boots and they remind me of her. I drank a nice dark beer Friday night in her honor, she would have been proud.

Oh yeah, I've never shook her hand, gave her a hug or looked at her eye to eye. All of our interactions have been through mail, email, texting, calls or the private message board we belong to. I can honestly say that if it wasn't for her and the other friends I have on there, I would not have gotten through some of the toughest times at work and in my personal life in the last 6 years.



I don't know what else to say about her. If you want to read about her go here or My Eclectic Mess or Camp Chaos or her finace's blog at Rockbottom To Redemption . You'll see that she was much loved and will be greatly missed. I keep thinking that I suddenly get this great inspiration to write something that will be all healing to everyone. To her fiance, to her 18 year old son, to her soon to be bonus kiddos, to her friends. But nothing seems comforting. Nothing seems to fill in that place that was her.

My one saving grace in this is that is was happy. She had her ups and downs in the years that I've known her. Some really really ups and some really bad downs. Last Thursday she was happy. I can only hope that she is at peace and that someday the rest of us will find peace too.