Did I Really Say That?

Can I motivationally interview myself?

2012-01-30T10:40:00.000-06:00

I was instantly involved in this motivational interiewing training. I have to admit that I dreaded going. I dislike the touchy feely role playing trainings that seem to be the norm in my field lately. It's a struggle to shift my mind from keeping distance and being authoratative to being empathetic and caring. That sounds horrible, right? I mean I got into probation thinking that I could make a difference and help people and the community. But when I think about it, that wasn't what occurred. I was authoratative and demanding. The two ideas rarely met in the middle. I spent a lot of time struggling to see that I helped the people I worked with. And rarely would I feel good because progress toward becoming a more productive member of the community occurred.

So while I thought about the fact that I could really use this to feel more successful in my work life, I also wondered if I could use it in my personal life. The answer ended up being of course.

Did you know that every choice has some ambivalence? Every choice we make has reasons for and against making it. And while we want to change, just like my last blog post, do we really want to change? When we start thinking about change and talking with other people about it, we get feedback. And our natural inclination is that when someone tells us a reason for change, we think about the reasons against it. Almost like "I'll show you. I don't really need to change." We dig our heels in about not changing. The same is true of the reverse. If someone tells us why we shouldn't change, we instinctively think of all the reasons why we should change.

After the first day of this training I kept thinking, "Can I motivationally Interview myself?" Can I work though the steps and exercises that were a part of this to motivate myself to change when my motivation was lacking? I think so. I really think so.

My plan is to spend some time reworking the exercises she presented and posting them so everyone can learn from them. Not just me.

Am I Ready For Change?

2012-01-27T09:47:00.000-06:00

At the recent One Step, One Breath Event, one of speakers talked about changes. Are you ready for change? She kept asking? And my immediate response was "Yes, of course I am." Yet she asked us to think about it further. Am I REALLY ready for change or do I just like the idea of it?

For example, she said that she wanted to quit smoking. She would stop and everything would be good. But...she'd go out with friends on Friday and they were smoking so she would smoke with them. But she had quit. But she didn't really want the change, she just liked the idea of it. Once she was willing to stop smoking all the time, she was really ready for the change.

I thought about this while at the OBOS event, but then kind of put it out of my mind.

Then I attended a training for work. A training on Motivational Interviewing. Likely most people have't heard of motivational interviewing or MI. It's used in several areas of life as a tool to help ellicit changes from people who are resistive to change. It's based on strategies that allow the person to come to the conclusion that change is necessary and how they can accomplish it.

The model of change looks like this:

When the trainer put this model on the screen I was once again hit with the question "Am i ready for change?" It's interesting to me that when I'm struggling with something, I'm often times 'shown' the path in all areas of my life. This is another example of this. Never would I have thought that the change question would be repeated to me in my work life also.

So where am I in this model? I'd say preparation <---> action. I wander between these two on a regular basis. I also think that it's interesting to note that relapse is built into the model. Everyone relapses, falls back and needs to continue working on progress. This was another item that the speakers all talked about at the OSOB event. You relapse, your pick yourself up and start back on your path.

So where are you in this model?

Soup for Lunch

2012-01-24T08:00:00.001-06:00

After not feeling good for a week I realized that soup is a pretty good lunch for me. It fills me up and give me a chance to get in veggies and things that I may normally not eat. So Sunday I made soup, applesauce, sugar free jello with blueberries and small cookies.

The cookies are a German recipe with dates, raisins and other dried fruit.

The applesauce I do a lot. Pete says he will eat apples, but never does, or only eats one. So I core, peel and cube the apples in a tall sauce pan. I add 1/2 tablespoon of vanilla sugar per apple and 1/2 cup water per apple. I let it simmer on medium heat and when the apples are soft I mash them against the side until they're as chunky as I want. Usually this takes about 10-15 minutes.

The soup was this:
5 cups low sodium chicken stock
1 can fire roasted tomatoes
1 can white beans, drained and rinsed well
1 leek, chopped
3 carrots, chopped
1 zucchini, diced
1 bag of baby spinach
1 package of mushrooms, chopped
1 package of fresh spinach tortellini from the dairy section
3 cloves of garlic, minced

I put 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a stock pot and added the carrots and garlic to sweat a bit. Then I added the leeks, the zucchini and the mushrooms. After about 5 minutes I added the tomatoes and cooked it again for 5 minutes. Then I added the stock, the beans and the spinach. I let that cook until the spinach was wilted and added the tortelini. I cooked that for 12 minutes until the pasta was soft. Then I cooled it and divided it into 2 cup servings for lunch.

YUM! Definitely a soup I can eat all week and not tire of it.

#OSOB

2012-01-23T10:40:00.000-06:00

(Or is it #OSOB? I can never get it right...)

I went to the Prior Fat Girl's One Step, One Breath event Saturday. Wanna know what I learned?

This journey of healthiness doesn't have an end. It's a life path. There is no finish line, there is a new way of life forever.

In a silent room, the raised hands of EVERYONE who is struggling on their journey is LOUD! Loud enough to make me cry. Loud enough to encourage me to continue on my path. Loud enough to know that I am not alone even when it feels like it. Loud enough to let me know that people understand my struggle and know what I'm going through. I needed that loud.

227; My husband keeps me honest

2012-01-20T12:31:00.000-06:00

So I sit today at 227 and I've been there for the last 2 days now. I think I'm up a couple of pounds from my monthly cycle. And just so everyone knows: Massive amounts of Vitamin D will cause gastrointestinal issues. In the last week I was down to 223. I lost a good 7 pounds will all my issues. At one point I was thinking this was a good "diet", the next second I was cursing out the doctor who gave me the vitamin. In the end, sanity won out and it's NOT a good diet plan. After 8 days I think my body is adjusted...but I'm still afraid to eat much more that soup, crackers and jello. My doctor says it will get better.

Last night Pete had a meeting for the motorcycle club. He left before I got home. Knowing that we were out of soup, I headed to the grocery store for soup, crackers, jello and bananas. On the way there I decided to get cake. You know, because I hadn't eaten any in a while and because I had 'lost' so much weight in the last week. Also because Pete wouldn't be home to see me eat it. No one other than the dog would see me eat my dinner.

Then I realized that Pete keeps me honest. It's interesting that I do my worst eating and almost compulsive snacking at work, in my office, where no one can really see me. I don't know that I ever thought of it as binge eating when I was single. But I certainly had my share of grocery stops on the way home to get indulgent food to eat.

So what did I buy at the store? I bought 4 cans of soup with less than 70 calories in a serving and mainly veggie based. I bought saltines for some added bulk to help fill me up. I bought graham crackers for a sweet treat when I think I need one, sugar free jello, bananas and a bag of Hershey Valentine Hearts. Not too bad, but not perfect (which I don't expect of myself). I had my soup, but no crackers (either kind). No jello or bananas. But I did have 4 hearts. It's the first sweet thing I've had in a week.

I don't want to eat (for the wrong reasons)

2012-01-14T12:23:00.002-06:00

So Thursday was Pete's birthday. I worked from home for a couple of hours and then was done. Although Pete had to work, I sat in the bedroom office with him reading on my Nook while he worked. I'm telling you, this working from home thing is awesome. I can't wait until both of us can do it.

Thursday night Pete decided he wanted to go Dog Days At The Dome with Nico. It was so cool! Big dogs, tiny dogs, vendors, doggie owners and families. Nico had been going a big stircrazy not being able to play outside a lot lately. Of course he thinks that he is a 70 pound dog in a 15 pound body and tries to play with the big dogs. All the dogs his size he runs by without even stopping.

About 90 minutes into it, my tummy started rumbling. Uh oh I told Pete. Then I told him I was sorry, but I thought we needed to head home. By the time we got home I was in trouble. The next 12 hours were awful. Crackers and warm sparkling water were sparingly eaten.

I'm better now 36 hours later. I lost 3+ pounds and I'm down to 226. (yay) But now I'm afraid to eat because I don't want to gain any back. Ever have that experience? It's going to be a struggle to eat appropriately the next few days rather than avoid eating to lose more weight.

Mindful Eating

2012-01-11T10:47:00.000-06:00

I've struggled for a long time with mindful eating. Well I've struggled for a long time, only I wasn't aware of what it really meant until the last year or so.

Yesterday I had my second call from the insurance company to check in about my progress for the bariatric surgery. While part of me thinks that the calls are a joke and a stalling technique to see if people will 'give up', the other half of me thinks that they provide some good information.

My trigger for bad eating seems to come at 2 times. The first is days off work when I'm at home and don't necessarily eat 3 well spaced meals, but rather 2 bigger meals. I'm trying to be more aware of that and change my ways. My other trigger is afternoon snacking at work or snacking at work in general. I've noticed that when I'm at my desk in my office I want to snack all day long. Yet when I'm forced to be in our front office for the 2 weeks every 90 days I never feel like I need to snack. I think the snacking is part habit and part environmental (see I really do need to convince my department to let me telework!).

The solution: For the next 2 weeks my goal is to write down what I eat at work, when exactly I eat it and how I feel before I eat it. Is there a pattern to how I feel before I eat? Am I eating from stress? Boredom? Actual hunger? I started this yesterday afternoon. When I wasn't hungry I decided that I'd get up from my desk, take a mental break, drink at least 4 ounces of water and wait for 15 minutes. If I was still craving the food I could give in. Most often the break and the water did the trick. But I did indulge once. The goal isn't to stop the eating all the time, but see the pattern of eating.

KALE CHIPS
My goal in the last few years has been to try new things. I learned that I like turnips, parsnips, rutabaga and other veggies. I've been reading a lot about people making kale chips. Last weekend I tried it. I took a bunch of kale that was washed and dried. Cut it into pieces about 1.5x1.5 and placed it out on a cookie sheet. Then I spritzed sparingly with olive oil, a small amount of salt and lots of pepper. I baked them at 350 degrees for 15 minutes or until they were slightly dark and crisp.

YUM! It's like a spicy light chip. I put them in a large gladware container because they are to delicate for baggies. I've eaten about 2 loosely packed cups each day in the afternoons. For about 1 cup fresh kale there is 33 calories, 7 grams of carbs and 1 gram of fiber. It's got 200% DV for VitaminA, 134% DV for Vitamin C plus calcium and iron.

I can't wait to do more.

A Big Sigh

2012-01-10T09:45:00.000-06:00

My second mammogram & ultrasound revealed nothing. The radiologist suggested a follow up mammogram in 90 days and if negative to resume my every 6 month routine. My self fulfilling prophecy isn't full filled right now.

In other news...

I am normal. Really. I have the psych evaluation to prove it. Part of me wonders how that is. I mean, I self diagnosed me with anxiety a week or so ago and yet my MMPI and other testing doesn't suggest any anxiety. The psychologist says that I seem to have a healthy support system, a good reason for wanting the bariatric surgery and I'm a good candidate. One additional thing checked off my list.

I have my second of five calls with the insurance company today. They check in to see how you're doing, go over issues and concerns and strategies with you. Really they want to make sure that you're a good fit also before deciding to pay for the surgery.

Aside from the calls, the only other thing I have to do is lose 5-6 pounds. I've been weighing myself daily at Pete's suggestion so that I can see how my weight fluctuates from day or day and throughout the month. I've been at 230.6 to 229.6 with a couple of spikes to 231 during my cycle. I had a great streak going with the gym until I got this chest cold last Wednesday. Lately it hurts to breathe so the treadmill will have to wait. I have plans to attack it again this week.

Self Fulfilling Prophacy?

2012-01-03T15:34:00.000-06:00

In March 2009 I blogged about being WORRIED, MY GENETIC JOURNEY and that the test was NEGATIVE.

I can't remember if I shared the conversation I once had with my Mom. She was talking about watching my Grandma and Great Grandma go to Mexico for treatment for breast cancer. She talked about how my Grandparents surprised them all by taking them out to eat, only to tell them that my Grandma had breast cancer. In the conversation she said that when my Grandma was diagnosed she was 48 and my Great Grandma about the same age. After that my Mom just knew that she would be diagnosed around the same age also.

My Mom turned 48 the day she had the biopsy confirming that she had breast cancer. I look back know and feel horrible about that day. My sister and I had planned a surprise dinner for my Mom that night and invited my Grandma over. When my Mom got home from work I could sense that there was something wrong, but dismissed it. I could never have known that she had just come from the biopsy. I'll forever feel sorry for that day and yet, she's never said anything to my sister or I about it.

Often I've thought about my Mom feeling like she would have breast cancer. How often did it enter her mind? She she read her nursing journals searching for the newest information on breast cancer to gain knowledge for her patients, herself or both? Did she wonder when her day would come? Did it consume her the closer she got to 48? Did she and my Dad talk about it or did she suffer in silence, not wanting to worry anyone?

Since then, I've talked to Pete about this at length. We've had many a quiet conversation laying in bed, strolling around our favorite wedding place, in the car...on the phone. I've expressed my fears several times and he understands them as best a man can.

In the last couple of months I've wanted to get a tattoo. I have the image in mind and a little saying, but can't figure out where to get it. I want someplace that won't sag, wrinkle or look horrible in 20 years. I want to be able to see it, but not have it visible to clients who have no boundaries most of the time.

New Years Eve Pete and I went to see one of his favorite bands play. Somehow the conversation turned to tattoos. Pete suggested my breast and I quickly replied, "I can't get it close to my breast." He asked why and I stated, "I just know I'll be diagnosed with breast cancer like my Mom and I don't want to lose a tattoo."

I got a call today that my mammogram from last week was abnormal. I am scheduled to go in later this week for another mammogram, an ultrasound and potentially other tests and then meet with a radiologist. As I sit here I can't help but wonder if it's a self fulfilling prophecy? And I can't help but be fearful and anxiety ridden. Honestly, I'm pretty scared.

My Beating Heart

2011-12-29T17:00:00.000-06:00

I read something yesterday that sent me into a spin and my heart a beating.

My entire life, I’ve always thought about the future. I planned conversations, replayed how I thought things were going to go over and over in my head. I thought about possible scenarios’, thinking about how I would respond when someone said something. And when they didn’t, I would play out new scenarios. Source: Prior Fat Girl

I'm a planner. I talk about it here on my blog. I talk about how my once roommate/friend told me that I always think of all the bad things and I explained that I was problem solving ahead. But the truth hit me like the proverbial train yesterday. I am not a planner. I have anxiety. Even writing this down, my heart is beating fast. As though writing it down makes it somehow scary; as though it wasn't scary before.

That paragraph up there...it is me. To a capital T. I plan everything in my head. Whether it's a possibility of the situation arising or not. And to see this somewhere other than my brain is shocking. Shocking because the truth of it is that I thought this is how everyone's brain worked. But it's not. So when I tried to explain social anxiety to my husband and ended up all frustrated because he didn't understand, I know understand why. Shocking because I'm not just a planner as I thought. It's not normal to plan out scenarios in your head for something that may or may not happen.

So when I read it, my breath left me and then I slowly inhaled and resumed breathing. Then I thought about it. Jen talked about how her Mom's death lead her anxiety to become worse and the other stressful life events caused it to become even worse. This morning as I was drying off after my shower and thinking about how a conversation with my husband would go about putting the scale in the corner and what I'd say if he said no and what else I could say...I stopped again, breathless. I know exactly where my anxiety comes from, the exact period in my life when it started. It was a situation that I had little control over that occurred over and over. My only coping mechanism was to do the scenarios in my head to come up with a plan of how to gain control. Only none of them ever worked as I was little prepared for them and they never had any outcome that I could ever imagine.

So you know what I did? I walked into the bedroom where Pete was sitting and explained it all to him. How the blog post triggered this in me. How I understood why he didn't understand. How I knew where it came from. All of it. And he listened. And he didn't think I was crazy or nuts or off the wall. He listened. He asked me what I wanted to do about it and I told him I didn't know. Then he said the thing I most needed to hear - "I'll support you in whatever you need to do."

Ever since this morning I've been thinking about it. I don't quite know what to do. I don't know that I have the tools to retrain my brain not to strategize every move, conversation, social setting, work day, home day, motorcycle ride....ahead of time. I don't know if there is a way for me to gain the tools on my own or if I need outside help. But I do know that I understand myself a little bit better tonight than I did 48 hours ago. I do know that losing weight isn't going to solve all my problems. This is very clear to me now.

2012 Word

2011-12-27T10:40:00.000-06:00

I talked a while ago about how people chose words to use as their theme for the year. Cheesy, yes. But sometimes I think that we need a little cheese to get us through.

2011 wasn't easy.

There were family stresses that seem to have settled back out. Although they're always there, lingering, ready to resurface. My Grandma seems to be better from her back injury and has regained enough strength to live daily again. She was fabulous on Christmas. I spent a realtivly relaxed Christmas with family and it was a good one. Whether it's the idea that she may not be around all that much longer and we need to enjoy it or that we were all simply getting along, it was a good one and I'll take it.

There was financial stress. Pete was on unemployment more than he worked. It's frustrating as hell to see how he struggled to find a job that was a good fit for him and the employer. He started working for a new company, permanent and full time the week of 12/12/11. The steady check that is much more than what he was getting on unemployment is certainly welcomed. We have a good plan to get caught up on our emergecy fund, our travel fund and savings again.

There was physical stress. I struggled all year with losing additional weight. I'd be active 6 days a week at the gym, watching portions and what I ate and still see no results. Many times I felt like giving up. And to some degree I did that after I hurt the balls of my feet in August. But I'm back at it. Working out 4-5 days a week and doing what I can to help myself out. I struggled through getting approved for a gastric banding surgery and I'm still in the process. But I see a window of light and I'm reaching for it with all I have.

There was emotional stress. All that suff that I just wrote...it causes emotional stress in various ways. A blue day here and there. Frustration, anger, irritation.... Pete and I are in for the long haul marriage wise. We both understand there are ups and downs along the way and quitting just isn't an option. It's not that we have problems, it's that we are finding our way. We're understanding that it takes work and just doesn't happen.

So for 2012, my word is CHOICES.

I see how choices that I made in 2011 determined my path all along. Even when I didn't make the better choice, I rode it out and figured out how to get back to center with new choices. Choices are made with lots of thought and with little thought. I'd like 2012 to be the year that I really consider my choices and be aware of why I made that choice. I'd like to think that I continue to learn from wrong choices and when the situation presents it's self again, I can chose to make the better choice the next time.

CHOICES.

Holiday Baking

2011-12-19T10:30:00.000-06:00

It's no secret, I love to bake. Actually I love to cook, bake, grill... I love food and all that goes into it. So Saturday morning I was up at 5am and made about 8 different kinds of cookies & candy for Christmas.

WOAH you're saying. Why do that when you're trying to lose weight?

What to know my secret? When I spend all day baking like that or even half a day or several hours - I can't eat what I bake. The overwhelming amount of sugar and sweetness really turns me off. Similarly when I spend a lot of time cooking a whole meal, I get the same way, although not as badly.

So Saturday I had about 3 cookies and that was it. Sunday on the other hand I could have eaten everything. But I had one of several kinds over the day and then packaged them up into trays for the various places we have Christmas.

Want to know my other secret? I give all the cookies away! I keep about 3 of each kind for Pete and I to share from Christmas t New Years and the rest go to other houses to be enjoyed.

So you can bake and cook while trying to lose weight. You just have to have strategies for making sure that you don't overindulge.

Christmas Memories

2011-12-16T10:25:00.000-06:00

A had a friend ask on Facebook how important traditions were. I immediately assumed this was a Holidays question and answered: Traditions are important and I miss the old ones. But I know that things change and we adapt and find new ones. The important thing is not to forget the old memories in the sights, the smells and the sounds of the holidays."

I love traditions. I think because I am so happy when I know what is happening. Also known as I'm not usually spontaneous. I've written before about how happy the holidays were for us as kids. We didn't have much throughout the year and my parents struggled, but the holidays were always magical. Presents, family, food, fun, laughter and joy. Such joy.

As family members started passing away and we kids started growing up, the traditions had to change. I resisted and threatened and sometimes cried about it. I liked things the way they were, the familiarity of it all. In the end, it didn't work, even I had to move on.

With Pete, I've developed new traditions. Things like St Nikolaus Day on 12/6/11; presents in your shoes! Opening gifts on the 23rd each year because that is when I opened my engagement ring and he proposed. Things like buying gifts for 4 kids, instead of just my niece & nephew.

Although I resisted, I see how changing my perspective, learning new things and welcoming change has made me a better person. Sappy Christmas blog entry, right? Well, yes and no. When you think about it, I resisted change for so long when it came to my health. I was ok because what I was doing was familiar and safe. Taking chances and making changes was new and not very fun. I hope that the coming year has me firmly set in place with an about face healthiness-wise also. New traditions, learning new things and welcoming the change in perspective for my body.

The Argument

2011-12-13T16:00:00.000-06:00

4:30: Pete's alarm goes off. I think I woke up. I mean, I might have woke up. Or maybe not.

4:40: My alarm goes off. I think I woke up. I mean, the only reason I know I woke up is because my phone was laying on my pillow the next time I work up and the cord was stretched across my neck.

4:45: I woke up, checked the time and rolled over. I am not going to the gym. I just got to sleep about 4.5 hours ago. This is nuts!

4:47: I woke up to a wet tongue in my ear and it wasn't Pete, it was the schnauzer. No way I'm going to the gym. Leave me alone dog and everyone go back to sleep.

4:48: I woke up and rolled back over. Should I go to the gym? Crazy talk.

4:49: Rolled back over and felt for Pete. Yep, he's still sleeping so I can sleep too. Ahhhhhhh.

4:50: Wait. I only went to the gym once last week. Had the same feeling on Tuesday morning that I do now and never went back. I'm a quitter. A one day a weeker. I can't do this.

4:51: Hey, what if you just do it? I mean what harm is there really in just getting up, getting dressed and going? What can I lose?

4:52: Fine. I'll go, but I don't like it.

4:53: Jump out of bed. Wet my random stick up hairs down, get dressed.

4:54: Run downstairs & let the dog out. Bring the dog back up to bed with Pete. Ahhh BED! No, gym.

4:54: Grab banana, water bottle, keys, gym card and phone.

5:11: Arrive at gym and proudly walk in. See you can do this!

5:12: Realize I forgot my water bottle in the car. I should get it. No, they have water up there, just go and get going!

5:13: Get on treadmill. Start moving.

5:22: Accidentally hit "cool down" on the new treadmill that I'm not used to and stop the thing. I should just give up. NO! Stick with it. Press start.

5:23: Pressed start. Feeling good.

5:30-5:45: Actually do intervals of jogging and walking. Feet hurt, but I'm not giving up now.

5:46: Walk out of the gym with 375 less calories, 30 minutes of accomplishment and a smile.

Do you believe in your body?

2011-12-12T08:45:00.000-06:00

Last week I went to see the dietitian at the surgery center. I spent an hour talking with her about eating. As it turns out, I know much of what I need to know. I know to keep portions small, eat balanced diet with all the food groups, low fat, protein first... In essence, I have a good base to start out with. Then we talked about what I need to do in the time that I have prior to the surgery. She explained and gave me a 1200 calorie a day meal plan. 1200 calories. When you think about it, 1200 calories is sufficient to live. And there are many days that I eat around 1200 calories. However, it's not always a balanced 1200 calorie day. And example of the plan is that for lunch I would get 1 ounce of lean protein, 1 cup of green beans, 1 ounce of cheese, 1/2 banana and water.

1 ounce of protein. It's not much. About the size of half of a small deck of cards.

I walked away from that appointment and gave the meal plan a try for 2 days. Eating that way only got me to about 600 calories the first day and 800 calories the second. That's not even enough to sustain me. I was hungry All.The.Time. And while I need to lose weight and limit my calories, I also don't want my body in starvation mode, clinging to every calorie I consume.

So I went back to eating the way that I was eating before. Clean eating with the fewest amount of processed foods I can. Lean protein at about 4-5 ounces for lunch & dinner. Lots of fresh veggies at lunch & dinner. Lower carbs, but whole grain or multigrain carbs. Lots of water (75-100 oz). When going out to eat, make healthier choices, halve your portions and limit sweets/alcohol.

I didn't work out this weekend, but I stayed busy the entire time. Wrapping presents, running to and from stores, walking with Pete. We went out to eat twice. The first time I shared an entree with Pete - sirloin with mixed veggies of zucchini, squash, carrot, onion and peppers and mashed potatoes. Prior to the meal I ordered a salad with no dressing. The salad filled me up and I ate less of the meal and when I did I concentrated on the veggies and the meat. The second time we went out to an Italian place for my Mom's birthday. Again I had a salad of beats and arugula and that helped to fill me up first. Then I ordered a half portion of pasta and ate about 3/4 of it. I still felt indulgent both times, but made better choices.

This morning I got up at 4:30 am to get ready to hit the gym when it opened at 5 am. I weighed 231. This is the lowest I've been since high school/college. And I don't feel like I've done anything different in the last 2 weeks to lose weight. But I feel like I am starting to believe in my body. As though it knows what I have to do and is helping me along the way. I went, overjoyed, to the gym and pumped out 30 minutes on that treadmill. No stopping when my left foot started hurt, but pushing through the pain and reaching the mental goal I set. And again my body got me through it.

I believe in my body.

I did it

2011-12-05T10:47:00.000-06:00

I had an exhausting weekend. Let's just say that my status update on Facebook read:

"So cookies made, dog washed, dog treats baked, cookies frosted, make your own pizza eaten, homemade ice cream eaten, Rango watched...and everyone's in bed. I believe Nico was out first and Grant not long behind him. Girls are quietly giggling in bed. I need to recharge too!"

Only there was no recharging for Pete or I. Grant (my 6 year old nephew) had a cough that kept him and I up and him and Pete up at times. My thoughtful wonderful husband Googled homemade cough remedies and started giving him honey when he'd start coughing, rub his back and play Enya for him to fall asleep to. Very sweet.

Sunday morning was breakfast for all the kids and games, crafts and then off to their homes. Pete and I then ran to the Mall of America to get a couple of last gifts and then to my aunts house so Pete could help with the computer issue she was having. Dinner when we got home at 6:30 and I was asleep by 8pm. TIRED.

This morning my alarm went off at 5am and Pete sweetly rubbed my cheek while the dog sat on my chest and listed my nose. I heard a voice say, "Are you coming t the gym?" Surprisingly, my voice answered, "Yes." I got up and dressed. Then searched the house for my gym card and headphones and headed out.

I spent 10 minutes on this new machine that is like a bicycle and elliptical in one and 10 minutes on the treadmill. 354 calories in 25 minutes.

I did it. I went back to the gym. The world did not stop. No one gave me the stink eye when I walked him for not going the last 3 months. No one asked where I'd been. I was welcomed as though I had been going daily and left to do my own thing as usual. Can't wait to go again.
**********
I think I screwed up with my weight. When I went to Dr. July's office in early October I was 237 there and 235 at home. When I went to see her last week the scale in the office said 240. I never weighed myself at home that day. This morning when I got on the scale it said 233. It's the lowest my body has been on that scale. So now I have no idea how much weight to lose to qualify for the surgery. I should have weighed myself that day.

Steps to a Goal

2011-12-02T08:00:00.001-06:00

1. (n.) goal: the result or achievement toward which effort is directed; aim; end.

These are my mini-goals or my steps to the bigger goal of losing 12 pounds by 1/1/12. I'm going into this with the understanding that I don't have to be perfect, but I have to try. I know that I'm better off when I set goals and tell people (lots of people) about them to keep me on track. I know that putting the goal information up where I can see it will help immensely. And I know that when I put my mind to something I can do it.

1. Workout Calendar: I used a planning calendar in March to get my activity in and it kept me pretty accountable. I loved seeing the results on the paper from what I had panned to do and what I actually did. I hung another one up yesterday. My goal is 4 times a week. Anything above that is like extra credit. And who doesn't like extra credit?

2. Tracking Food: This seems to be something that I have a hard time doing regularly. I feel like I'm much to "into" my phone when I had to enter all the things that I eat. And let's face it, if I don't enter them when I'm eating them, I forget. But for the next 30 days I plan on making more days of tracking than not. My goal is 1200-1500 calories a day, less than 100 grams of carbs, less than 50 grams of fat and at least 60 grams of protein.

3. Water: I'm back to drinking 75-100 ounces of water a day. It's making for frequent bathroom breaks, but that's ok.

4. Sleep: I think that I'm a better person overall when I'm not tired. I have less headaches, less stress and better days in general. So my goal is at least 6 hours of sleep at night. This is going to be a struggle when you add in the combination of the CPAP. But I'm working on it.

228

2011-12-01T08:39:00.000-06:00

My immediate goal: 228 pounds by 1/1/12.

I met with the bariatric center yesterday. Dr. July at Unity is very nice and a no nonsense kind of person. She tells you like it is and I like that. We talked for quite some time about my progress, my apnea and weight. I realized that at my largest I likely weight somewhere between 275-285. I never want to see that again. When she asked me what my goal was in all of this I didn't hesitate. I want to be a healthy me with less joint pain, less swelling in my ankles, more energy, better about to control what I eat to keep me a healthy adult for as long as I can.

For me, this isn't about how I look right now. I understand that it's part of it and a huge part for women. But for right now I want to be healthy. I want to have energy to do things again. I want to feel good in my body.

So she qualified me for surgery. I've completed most of the process already. The last 3 things are: see the nutritionist, have a psych eval completed and lose 12 pounds.

I'm not taking this lightly. It's a huge decision and yesterday while waiting for her in the office I asked myself if this is really what I wanted to do. My answer was yes. I want to like food, but not have it control me. I feel a bit energized again. I feel a bit like I have a purpose, a goal to work for.

228.

CPAP = FAIL!

2011-11-29T14:02:00.000-06:00

Took my trusty CPAP home last night after getting distilled water for the humidifier portion. I moved things around on my bedside table and set it up. I was a bit disappointed because I felt as though I was in a hospital with the tubing and machine and something over my face.

Pete and I got caught up on Sons of Anarchy while cuddling in bed. Then it was time. I had to put the mask on and try to sleep. The machine operates at a lower force of air for 20 minutes to give you a chance to fall asleep. My thought was to read my Nook a little to relax and then go to sleep. Only I can't put my glasses on over the mask. I then thought about reading the Nook with large print without my glasses, but the mask separates your eyes so they can't focus right in front of your head.

So I just laid down and tried to sleep.

It was the worst night of sleep in a long time. Although my eyes were closed and I was "sleeping", I don't think I ever got into REM. At some point I woke up and took the mask off. When I think about it, my mouth was dry when I did that and I think I may have been mouth breathing. It not only negates the CPAP, but it works against it. After I took the mask off I remember nothing until Nico woke me up for breakfast at 6. My 5am alarm must have went off, but I have no memory of shutting it off.

I got up and fed him his kibble and made myself some toast. Pete came home from the gym and I told him I needed to lay down. The next thing I knew it was 9am and I was late for work. I have a killer headache, I'm tired as hell. I feel crappy. Worst of all I dread bedtime. I know it's going to take some time to get used to, but this is hard. Really hard.

CPAP

2011-11-28T15:42:00.000-06:00

Had my appointment with the lung specialist today. Turns out that I stop breathing at least 5 times and hour and at most 33 times an hour while sleeping. They consider it mild to moderate sleep apnea.

So as of about 10am I am the proud renter of this: S9 CPAP Machine. Apparently you rent the machine for 10 months of paying 20% of the rental and your insurance paying the remainder. After 10 months if you still need it, it's yours. Which is all good, but I about had a heart attack when I started looking up actual costs of them and bemoaning my decision to choose the high deductible health care plan at work. It appears as though I'll be "renting" this thing on my own and hitting my deductible pretty soon in the year.

Before I went in I told Pete that if they said I needed a machine I'd try it out a few nights, but didn't know if I'd continue it. Only when I met with him and found out how many times I stop breathing I was shocked. I also found out that there is a memory card in the machine that tracks how often I use it and for how long. I have to go in to see the doctor 30 and 60 days out to make sure that the settings are right. I'm hoping that within 6 months I will have lost more weight and my use of the machine can go down. But I'm also willing to use the machine nightly if that is what it takes to get good sleep.

After I left the appointment I called the bariatric surgery center to make an appointment with the doctor there. I want to sit down again and see if the surgery is still an option for me. I think I need to not be in limbo about this anymore. I need to either have a yes or a no so that I can psychologically move on from it and figure out a new plan. Limbo sucks and I don't want to do it any longer.

No Words

2011-11-18T12:13:00.000-06:00

I think my bloging voice is lost. At times there are things that I think about writing. Then I realize that it's more about life thatn weight loss. And I dimiss it. I'm still struggling with going to the gym. I feel a huge breakdown the minute I step into the building and I don't want that. I'm afraid that my feet will hurt on the treadmill like they do when I try to walk outside. I'm afraid that I've lost everything that I worked for. I'm just pure afraid. I have my lung specialist appointment on 11/28/11. I keep thinking....hold on until then....you can do it. Right?

Cold? Flu? = MIA

2011-11-07T11:40:00.000-06:00

So I spent last week in bed. Pretty much all the time in bed. I had a cold/flu/sinus issue thing that knocked me down for the count. And just when I was feeling a bit better I had to go in for my flu shot and a whooping cough/tetanus/diptheria booster. That knocked me down for the count again on Friday afternoon and night. I think I'm just starting to feel ok today...other than the very sore tetanus arm.

Pete and I are having holiday card pictures taken by Jessica Fleming Photography next Monday. So yesterday I went searching for something to wear. I always intend for our photos to turn out like the photos on here, but usually end up with something not so good looking. Just once I'd like to have a flattering photo of both of us where my hair isn't standing on end or I have a half open mouth or something. I love how everyone coordinates, but isn't matchy matchy.

Pete is so not a button down kind of guy and I want us both to be comfortable. So I bought him this shirt in black (his favorite color): Black Henley to wear with some dark jeans.

Then I went to searching.... It was hard because I'm between the plus sized clothes and the misses sized clothes in most stores. I found these:
Green V-Neck to wear with a cami and some sparkly silver & green jewelry and jeans
Cowl Neck Sweater to wear with dark jeans, a diamond circle necklace that lays on my collarbones and dangly earrings
Blouson Shirt very similar to this with dark jeans and I have no idea what to wear for jewelry...

But after thinking about it, I have a grey & black dog and therefore we'd all be grey and black...weird?

I also have one of these shirts that is primarily white with some black, some navy blue spots and some green spots in it that I've worn with dark jeans, a black elbow length cardigan and some silver jewelry.

Decisions, decisions. The only thing I do know is that I'm praying that the middle aged pimples that I've been getting lately ease up for the pictures...

Yay! I'm sick! (tongue in cheek)

2011-11-01T08:00:00.000-05:00

From the call I received I believe that I have sleep apnea. Why do I only believe this? Because the scheduler would tell me nothing. Just like the nurse at the sleep study. She simply told me, as an answer to every question, that I'd be meeting with the lung specialist and the Cpap fitter specialist in November.

So I called Pete and said both of the following:

1. Yay I have sleep apnea!
2. I have sleep apena and occassionally have an obstruction when I sleep.

Number 1 is good because it means that once they confirm this I will qualify for the surgery. Number 2 is sad and happy in that I now know why I feel so horrible when I try to sleep and why I keep Pete up at night.

So I see the specialists later this month and I havbe a call into the bariatric surgery center to see if they received my results so that I can schedule an appointment to actually talk to the doctor this time.

Strangely I'm not as overjoyed as I thought I'd be. Just accepting. I haven't quite processed why. I can only say that I still feel like there will be something to hold me back.

The Story of the Walmart Pants

2011-10-31T09:16:00.000-05:00

In 2007 Pete and I were going to the gym everyday. I'd spent 40 minutes on the elliptical machine and I was watching what I was eating as far as portions, but not content.

After a couple of months I bought some smaller clothes. It was awesome! Then Pete and I had the idea to but clothes 1 size smaller than we were so that we could work into them. So I bought I pair of Walmart jeans. $9. Perfect. If I never fit into them it's $9 bucks. If I fit into them, it's $9.

You know where this is going, right? Those pants stayed in my closet on the shelf for the last 4 years. Occasionally I'd pull them out and try them on. At times they'd fit over my thighs, at times they'd only come up to my knees.

Yesterday Pete was cleaning out his part of the closet. As a joke, I tried the pants on.

They fit. They fit. I was shocked. They are a size smaller than I've ever worn in a long long time. They're not exactly in style and they're not exactly flattering, but they fit! YAY!

Celebrating Halloween

2011-10-30T08:52:00.000-05:00

Weird huh? I mean who celebrates Halloween? Indulge me....

As a kid and even now as an adult, Halloween has always been special to me. As a kid I'd come home from school and hurry up with any homework. I'd don my homemade costume of a pioneer girl, Raggedy Ann, a M&M or whatever my Mom sewed for me. We'd get into the car and drive a few miles to my Grandparent's house in town. Not that we lived out of town, but they lived in a proper city with blocks close together and lots of neighbors.

We'd arrive and as soon as we got out of the car my Grandma would fly out of the front door and tell us to pose for a picture. When that was done we'd run inside to the smell of tacos. When I was an adult I learned just how much taco meat my Grandma made; 10-15 pounds! As a kid all I knew was that the smell of taco meat was enticing. We didn't get tacos at home much because my Dad didn't like them. It was also special because we got to make them ourselves with things like black olives, lots of cheese and crushed up Doritos for the shells. We'd each make our dinner and head to the table to eat.

Inevitably, while eating, the doorbell would start to ring, signalling the start of Trick of Treating. We'd glance at all the costumes and eat quicker, knowing it was our turn next. After saying hello to some of the neighbors that had dropped by to both see us and been seen with their grandkids, we'd head off to collect our share of candy. Up one side of the street, down the other, over to the next block and do it again. The pattern stayed the same every year. And every year you could count the houses that would have "good" candy and "bad candy.

We'd return home with heavy plastic pumpkins or bulging plastic treat bags that snapped at the top. The adults would ask if we had fun and which were the best costumes. We'd yell as we ran through the house to the TV room in the back. There we'd dump out the candy and finger it all. Then we'd start picking out the best ones and the ones that we'd trade away for what we wanted. Sated with candy, we'd sit back and watch the Peanuts Halloween or Charlie Brown Halloween cartoon. Soon it would be time to go home and sleep.

As an adult I still love this day. But for different reasons. I love going to my Grandma's house early to help her set up the taco bar. We sit and talk about life while chopping tomatoes and onions. Once done we sit at the kitchen table, looking out the front window and waiting. We wait for kids to come in cute costumes. We wait for neighbors to come and catch up. We wait for family to arrive with kids all excited. About 15 years ago my Grandma was known for taking pictures of kids in cute costumes. More recently she stopped because she was concerned that parents would be fearful of where to pictures went.

All night long we adults would sit, stand and hand out. Kids would ring the doorbell and we'd take turns answering the door with the massive amount of candy that my Grandma buys. Giving out one item and watching as Grandma opened the door and couldn't help but give out 2 or 3 when it was her turn.

My Grandma is 86, about to be 87 in January. She's had some health scares in the last 18 months. She had a stroke last year. This year she's spent time in and out of the hospital and in a rehabilitative nursing home. She's not able to host Halloween this year, even though it breaks her heart to break the tradition. For me, it's a happy and sad time. Happy because I still enjoy the Halloween spirit and I have a new puppy to dress up in costume (insert evil giggle). Sad because this is the first year that I can remember not being at my Grandma's house the whole night. My sister has decided to continue the tradition at her house, but it's not the same. I'm planning on visiting my Grandma with the puppy in costume. But it's just not the same.

So as many say in various times, hug your Family members and enjoy them in the here and now for you never know when it changes. Happy Halloween to you and yours!

Mid Week With Pete Update

2011-10-26T08:00:00.032-05:00

I thought it pretty fitting, since this is a Wednesday, to update you on Pete.

50 weeks since he started trying to lose weight.
34 weeks since he had the gastric band placed.

Highest weight: 327 pounds.
Lowest weight: 205 pounds.
Current weight: 209 pounds.

Most working out: January--March of 2011; 1-3 hours a day, 7 days a week doing cardio at the gym.
Least working out: Currently; 2-4 sessions a week, mostly weight training.

Most food: honestly I don't know. There were times that he could eat most of a rack of ribs in one sitting with a side of fries.
Least food: definatly after surgery when he was eating 1/2 of broth, 3 times a day.
Current food: a piece of toast in the am for breakfast with a protein drink, 1/2 cup of baked beans and 1/2 hot dog for lunch, 1 mini cupcake sized homemade chicken potpie or 1-3 inch by 3 inch slice of meatloaf and 3-4 cheeseball sized potatoes.

Pete and I talk a lot about his journey. He goes through everything that a woman goes through, even though for some reason I thought a man doing this would be different. He's struggled with working out, with clothes fitting, with over eating, with eating the wrong things...everything you can think of.

So where is he today? He's currently about 209 pounds. Originally he was told that he should be getting down to 165 but anyone who sees him now (including himself) can't imagine him much below 200 pounds. He's lost a huge amount of fat and had very defined arm, shoulder and back muscles. His chest and leg muscles are are defined, just not as much as the rest. His tummy area has what he calls extra fat, but I've been telling him that it's excess skin. It took the doctor telling him this for him to believe it. (And for the record he had no interest it getting it removed after seeing/reading what the procedure is like.)

He's struggled with continuing to lose weight. The goal in the back of his head was always that he would be below 200, even if only for a day and even if only at 199. I think he's realized that between 207-212 is were his body just naturally wants to be. He's a size medium/large for shirts (he's be a solid medium if it wasn't for the belly skin) and a size 34 pants.

He's struggled with how to continue to workout. He has no issue with the motivation to lose, but has never figured out what it takes to maintain. This is a lesson that he will continue to learn the rest of his life. He's was down to lifting weights twice a week and didn't like that he was gaining a little back. After meeting trying to convince him to set a schedule or 30 minutes of running and 30 minutes of weights several times a week, that's what he's trying currently.

His band is filled to 10.25 cc. The most it can be filled to is 11. He's comfortable where it is now.

When I ask him if he'd do it again, knowing everything that he does, he says he would.

Sleep Study - Check!

2011-10-25T11:40:00.000-05:00

Had I know what was going to occur with the sleep study I would have been a lot more freaked out than I already was. Do you want to see most of what I had to sleep with?

Go ahead - Giggle! I slept an hour in the shower getting all the electrode goop out of my hair...

Seriously? I had electrodes everywhere. No wonder Pete smiled at me before I left and said, "Let's video call each other before bed." He wanted to get a good giggle. And he got one. I have to admit that the ridiculous of it all made me giggle too.

Anyway, I slept horribly and at one point the nurse came in and said that we'd have to start thinking about staying for the day time study. Thankfully I figured out how to get some kind of compfortable and sleep for a few hours. I left after asking about the study and being told that I'd have to wait for my doctor.

But here I am, post-sleep study. What's changed? Nothing. Nothing. I got past it and all the importance that I placed on it and nothing has changed. I still need to jump back onto my path to healthiness. All that lead up to nothing.

I am doing pretty good with the things that I can do. Portion sizes are still good and I've been drinking lots of water. My weight hasn't changed at all either.

My next goal is to step back into the gym. Just go for something and try to get back into it.

What Can I Do?

2011-10-19T08:27:00.000-05:00

I keep thinking that I need to get back into the healthy journey, but can't quite figure out how. It's amazing how something can throw you so far off track and you can struggle with how to get to where you were before. It's also dawning on me that I don't need to get back to where I was before, I just need to get back on the journey somewhere.

So while doing some heavy thinking in the shower this morning I decided that I can work my way back to my journey.

I noted in a post earlier this week that my skin is horrible because I haven't been drinking water like I need to. So my goals for the next week:

Drink at least 75 ounces of water a day.
Eat breakfast lunch and dinner. No skipping meals.
Be aware of portion sizes and eating until satisfied, not stuffed.

3 simple things. But I think that they're 3 simple things that can make a big difference and get me back to thinking about healthy. Back to a rhythm of being healthier. Back to realizing that doing these things makes me feel better. Back to my journey.

Orange Theory

2011-10-18T08:00:00.010-05:00

No, it's not about eating oranges or even orange colored food.

It's Orange Theory Fitness.

Orangetheory Fitness has been featured in The New York Times as an effective new plateau-busting workout in which participants can burn up to 900 calories in a 60-minute session. Backed by the science of post-exercise oxygen consumption (EPOC), our heart-rate monitored training is designed to keep heart rates in a target zone that stimulates metabolism and increases energy.

The result is the Orange Effect – more energy, visible toning and extra calorie burn for up to 36 hours after your workout!

Have you heard of it? Pete and I went to the Twin Cities Marathon event fair and found this workout group there. It sounds kind of nuts. It also sounds kind of fun.

I'm thinking that Pete and I should try this out. A new way to exercise may be the motivation that I need.

Sporatically Posting

2011-10-17T13:25:00.000-05:00

Is sporatically a word? Hope so.

It's been almost 90 days since I've tried the gym.
I've been eating okay. More whole foods and less boxed/packaged food.
I've been struggling with getting my water intake and my skin is going nuts because of it.
I've been more active around home because of the puppy and cooking more.
Life is still stressful.
Work is nuts right now.

I think I'm on a healthy living hiatus. I'm in limbo still until the sleep study is done and I can figure out my next step. I'm kidding myself when I say that I'm not gaining weight. Because in my mind I know that I'm losing some of the muscle I gained and likely gaining fat.

I have to admit I never thought it would be like this. I thought that I'd make changes, do them for a period of time and they'd stick. They'd become habit. And while some things have, not all of them stayed obviously. Do I miss the gym? Yes and no. Do I miss counting calories and fat grams and all that? No. Do I miss the feeling that I have when I leave the gym after a good workout? Yes. But it's not been enough to motivate me to workout.

I realize that I'm placing a lot of pressure on this sleep study. A lot. And it's either going to go really really wrong or really really right.

Over the Over Emotional...

2011-10-11T09:57:00.001-05:00

I think I've made it through to the other side. I think that the combination of the life stressors and the PMS, (which is like when stars collide) meant that life was just way too overwhelming.

I have my sleep study scheduled for 10/23/11. I have to be there at 8pm to get started. If they don't get the data that they need overnight, they require that you stay the following day and take 5-2 hour naps for them. I keep thinking...so they want me to sleep for 8 hours then get up and sleep for another 10 hours? I' so nervous that I won't sleep so the doctor gave me Ambien to try for that night. And that makes me even more nervous because of the crazy things that I read about people doing on that med. At least there will be someone to watch me...

I'm both fearful that I have sleep apnea (because it's a serious diagnosis) and that I don't have it. It's like I'm balancing on a line and I could fall either way. Another reason why I feel like I'm in limbo right now.

As for the healthiness journey...I think it's on pause. That's not to say that I don't think about it. I limit my portions and I try to eat healthy with veggies, fruit and whole grains. But I'm not going all out and I haven't returned to the gym. I do hover take Nico for walks almost every night so I'm getting 1-2 miles of walking in most days. My goal is to get the sleep study done and return to the gym to start up something by 11/1/11.

I'm getting better about meal planning/grocery buying. I've been using this free printable planner from Vertex to help me. I sit down each Saturday or Sunday and plan out a weeks worth of meals from what I have on hand. Then I use the grocery list to add what I need. It's cut down on waste and I feel much more organized. I keep a few of these in the household bills binder that I made after seeing it on Echos of Laughter organizing blog. When I'm done making my list and shopping, then I pull it out and hang it on the front of the fridge so Pete knows what's on the list and can help.

Lungs, Moonlight & Motorcycles and a Goal

2011-10-06T09:36:00.000-05:00

I think some weight (pun intended) has been lifted from me and for various reasons.

1. The Lung Specialist: Yesterday I had my appointment with the lung specialist. The nurse rooming me had no bedside manner, but that's beside the point, right? Anyway, he was a nice man (why do I feel the need to place everyone into he nice/not so nice category?). He listened to me talk and breathe and asked all sorts of questions about my sleep, my days, no breathing, symptoms... Then he said that he thinks I have sleep apnea. People with this stop breathing anywhere from 5-100 times an HOUR at night. So he scheduled me for a sleep study and I'm waiting for the place to call me back for a time.

I'm a bit relieved because somehow I had decided that if I didn't need a breathing machine at night, I didn't have apnea. This is false. So my hopes of qualifying for surgery are a little increased, but I'm not all in yet.

2. Moonlight and Motorcycle: Yesterday I sent Pete a text asking him to take me for a ride after dinner so I could hug him close and feel the wind on my face. My mind seems to settle on the motorcycle. It races through all kinds of subjects almost like a word association game with myself. I spent the first 20 minutes with my arms around his chest, my chest leaning into his back and my head on his shoulder. I could smell the cologne he was wearing, the hot fall day, the dust from farmers in the fields, the engines of vehicles passing me by... Little by little my mind calmed down. I won't lie, I shed a few tears behind my sunglasses, but I was more peaceful than I had been in over a week.

Later on in the ride, the coolness from the low areas and the bodies of water that we passed seemed to wake me up and shake me up. By then it was dark and the moon was up and shining on me. And I stared at it intently and wondered where it would take me if I could ride it. I wondered how many other people were looking up at the moon along with me. I wondered if the pull of the moon was pulling me out from my feeling of overwhelm; if it would heal me slowly as I stared at it from the back of the motorcycle.

When we got home I was strangely peaceful as though the wind had blown away some of my worry. I slept better last night than I have in a while.

3. Goal: My goal is strange. My goal is weird. My goal is almost an experiment to see what happens. My goal for this weekend is to cry it out. Shed the tears as though they are baggage to me and need to be released.

Figuring it all out

2011-10-05T12:05:00.000-05:00

Monday I had a really hard day at work. I shared on Friday how disappointed I was in a work related issue. I did my best not to think about it all weekend and was pretty successful. Only by Monday it was so huge in my head that I had a hard time staying at work and couldn't concentrate at all. I'm realizing that I should have through more about it over the weekend and talked it out with Pete or someone so that it wasn't so HUGE on Monday.

So I left work early on Monday and decided to hit up HomeGoods. I had decided that I deserved to make over my office. Now it started out innocently as I really had been thinking all summer about how I could make organizational and decorative changes to my office to kind of lift me up while I'm there. I have a need to change and it's been stifled while here as I really can't change the layout of my office and I dislike stagnant spaces. However, my plan was to hit up Salvation Army and the Goodwill for pieces that I could make over and bring in. Bright pops of color that would make me happy to see them and new organization for keeping things in place.

Only what I did was buy this:

Metal basket, Wood organizer, Wood magazine holders, statue, silver cup and frame, plus more...

I spent $150 without even blinking. And I put it on the 'emergecny credit card' because I didn't want to take it out of my short supply in my every day bank account. Oh I walked out of there excited to try it all out in my office, but went home instead. I spent the evening planning out in my head how it would all work out in my office. I bought wall stickers/rub ons to add some modern decoration. I bought spray pant and a drop cloth to change the color of the metal basket above and to paint my filing cabinet, among other things.

Yesterday I was still out of sorts, not quite in the moment and feeling down. So I brought all the pieces in my office, one by one. In the afternoon I shut the door and rearranged my desk/computer desk area. I spent an hour cleaning and decluttering and then placed the new/exciting pieces where I wanted them. I rearranged and rearranged until I decided on a layout.

Then I sat down and looked around. And you know what?

I wasn't any happier. I wasn't any less out of sorts. I wasn't any more in the moment. I wasn't any less sad and disappointed. I wasn't any less overwhelmed by my life right now. And what I realized was that I not only use food to help me out of an emotional bind, but I use shopping and new things to do the same. But neither one works.

So I went home, all emotional last night and struggling. I expected to find Pete there so we could have dinner and I could just relax. But it didn't go as planned and we ended up miscommunicating and I ended up in tears. And as much as I want to make myself better, Pete wants it more. He hates to see me cry. I had to remind him that telling me not to cry doesn't help. He held me as I tried to settle down and stop crying. But I can't help thinking, even today, that maybe what I really need is that good cry. I need to get the emotion out of me and into the world and experience it. Then and only then I can see if I'm ready to move on and get into a better place.

I'm still floating

2011-10-04T15:43:00.001-05:00

My head is all kinds of messed up. I'm admitting defeat for now. I need to figure out how to get my head situated again so that my body can follow suit. I am hoping that tomorrow's appointment with the lung specialist will help me set something in motion.

In the mean time I'm still here. Floating along, doing the best that I can for now. I get lots of puppy snuggles, lots of Pete snuggles and I'm indulging in what keeps me calm and peaceful.

Not Good Enough

2011-09-30T17:02:00.000-05:00

Honesty, right? I mean this is why I have the blog. To write what's happening in my life. To be able to look back a week from now, a month from now or a year from now. To see what I was going through and how I got through it. And if I'm not honest with myself then I'm not honest to anyone.

I had an opportunity at work that I wasn't chosen for. In and of it's self, not a big deal. It's happened before, in fact about this time last year. And I accept that there are things I want to do that I cannot do based on the department that I work for. I got notice of it today while in the car on the way back from the Twin Cities Marathon Expo that Pete and I went to.

I wanted to cry. And yet the whole way home I kept wondering why I was feeling so emotional about this? It's a work thing. There have been plenty of disappointments before and they'll be more in the future. After we got home I dropped Pete off so that I could go shopping and finish my errands.

While in Target, I again wanted to cry. And what I realized is that I'm not feeling like "enough" lately. Not good enough to lose weight on my own. Not fat/good enough for lap band surgery. Not good enough to be chosen for the work project.

Not Good Enough.

And my prayer went something like this:

Dear God, I can take a lot. I can handle much. I can work though problems and issues with the best of them. But please, send me something. Anything to show me the way to happiness and that feeling good enough feeling again. Amen.

Now I'm praying for that sign.

My Feet

2011-09-29T07:53:00.002-05:00

My feet still hurt. It worries me.

It used to be that if my feet were hurting and I just backed off a little on the cardio it would get better and I'd go back to exercising. Well, I went to the podiatrist and I have new shoes that are correct for my feet. Yet Monday night we walked around Centennial Lakes (1.5 miles) and my feet hurt at the end.

I don't wear heels (for the most part) and I choose shoes that have a lot of padding in the front part of the footbed. But even my everyday shoes are making my feet hurt. Last night we went for a late summer/early fall motorcycle ride and walking in my boots hurt.

It worries me. I think my next step is seeing if my feet hurt when I'm back on the treadmill. And yet that would require me returning to the gym. And if I'm really honest with myself, returning to the gym scares me. I get an anxious fluttery heart, my tummy spins and I start to sweat. I feel like a failure and returning there feels like defeat, even if it's not logical.

On a good note: Pete and I have been married 3 years as of Monday. I told him that it feels like forever. Not bad forever. Forever like we were meant to be and this is always the way that it's been.

Starting Over?

2011-09-26T09:09:00.000-05:00

After thinking about my weight situation and the inability to get insurance to pay for a gastric banding (so far), I think I've figured it out.

Debbie at Ex-Yo-Yo Dieter talked about rewards and about just doing it. Just losing the weight and getting to where you want to be. It sounds so simple, doesn't it? And there are people who can do that. They can just set the goal, figure out what they need to do to achieve the goal and get it done. Pete for instance is one of those people. For him it's all about the competition to push himself farther and faster. So it's only natural that he has the ability to just lose. Although he has other issues with maintaining. Me? I can't find the motivation within to make myself just lose.

I think that I have motivation at times. Actually I know that I have motivation at times to make myself lose. The issue is that the motivation fades and I'm left trying to figure out my next motivator and how to get back to losing. I think that's where the start/stop comes in. I'm constantly starting or stopping with periods of nothingness in between. I need to find motivation within myself to keep going at a constant pace.

I also need to find other rewards. In the past I've rewarded myself with a new piece of clothing, more training sessions, a headscarf from Harley for riding... But like Debbie said, external rewards kind of set you up. If you get them, you're proud of yourself and you see that thing you bought/got. If you don't get the item, it haunts you...forever. I need to rethink my reward system.

Start/Stop...I think that I've figured out that the gastric banding was some sort of reward as silly as it sounds. Try being healthy and losing weight for 2 years and if you can't do it then, "reward" yourself with the gastric banding. While it's not really a true reward, it kind of is. It's akin to the extra training sessions at the gym in that it's a tool to get more healthy. And I think because I can't get this reward (as of right now), it's haunting me. I also think that I'm confused about what to do because it means that I need to figure out a whole new plan and start over.

Limbo

2011-09-23T09:55:00.001-05:00

I feel in limbo lately. Pete was at the gym yesterday and our trainer asked him if I was ever coming back. Pete told him that I'd be back, eventually. I love that he has such faith in me and my journey. I love that he has this faith even when I don't. I guess it's truly a sign of a loving husband.

My limbo comes from not really knowing what to do next. I have to wait for the lung specialist appointment on 10/5/11 to see if I can have a sleep study done for apnea. Until that time I don't know what to do? Do I workout again and possibly let my BMI drop more and have more issues with insurance? Do I just maintain like I have been? Do I try to gain the 10 pounds that will allow me to qualify?

On a good note, Pete and I celebrate our 3rd wedding anniversary Monday. We've got plans all weekend to hang out with each other. Saturday morning we're going to the Oktoberfest at the Mill City Museum. Sunday we're going out to dinner to celebrate that and the fact that Pete got a job! Yay! It's another contract to hire, but I'm so very prayerful that it will be a forever thing this time. Monday after work we're headed down to Centennial Lakes to walk around and sit in the amphitheater where we said our vows.

Still Here, Struggling

2011-09-19T13:46:00.000-05:00

Saturday night Pete and I went out on a date. It's been a long time since we've been out on a date. We tried to go Friday, but Nico had some weird things going on and we ended up postponing it.

As we were getting ready Pete said "I'm fat." And I cried. I finally had to tell him that it was getting really hard for me to hear him say that when he's lost over 100 pounds and I am stuck. Even more so when I've hit a roadblock and may not be able to have the band surgery. He seemed shocked. I felt bad. It was an uncomfortable situation.

I want to support him, I have supported him. We talk daily about his workouts and what he ate and what supplements he took and how they're not working or are working for him. Honestly, it's sometimes exhausting. I give him what I think is good feedback each time. I tell him what I think would work for him. I suggest things or shoot things down as I see them. However, it seems like we have the same conversation over and over. I've listened to the same complaints and frustrations and issues for the last 4-5 months. And I listened, up until now. Now I can't seem to think about weight loss or healthy or exercising without getting misty eyed. Without getting frustrated. Without getting upset.

We finished getting ready and headed to Famous Daves Blues Club to listen to some music, relax and talk. After we parked, we walked through the mall to get to the club. Next door was a GNC. Pete went in and started suggesting supplements for me to help lose weight. Inside I was screaming NO NO NO. I don't want to rely on supplements and gimmicks and shakes and all that. I want to rely on me with help. I said it to him again, just as I have in the past, that I don't want to do that. He started looking at things for himself.

Our date night turned into shopping for his supplements. I checked out. Physically I left the store and wandered over to a bench to wait. Mentally I tried to retreat into a game application on my phone. After about 20 minutes he came out of the store and we went into the club. After a few minutes he noticed that I was still checked out and asked what was wrong. I started crying again.

It's so hard to feel like you're on a path and have decisions to make along the way, only to have a huge roadblock set in your way. I told someone earlier this week that I feel like I am just floating along and there is no shore in sight for me to stand on solid ground again. Add this with some medical issues in my family and I am a mess. I'm over emotional and tired and just feel like I'm coasting through each day.

I'm still here, just struggling.

Forward, right?

2011-09-14T16:10:00.000-05:00

I keep thinking of the 2 BMI points that separate me from the insurance paid band. It's really hard not to think of them at this point. But thinking about them is going to get me no where.

I emailed my doctor Monday afternoon when I stopped crying and she emailed me back yesterday. She can't send me for a sleep study, I have to go through the lung specialist in the clinic. So I waited until today for them to call me to make an appointment. The first appointment available? 10/5. It seems like forever even though it's only 3 weeks. So many hoops. Sometimes I feel like my life is one big set of hoops. And just when I think that it will get easier on the other side of the big hoop, there is another hoop to jump through.

In the mean time? In the mean time I guess I go back to exercising and eating good for me food. I have to say, I'm still dreaming of the ice cream and cake in bed idea. I know it doesn't solve anything and it creates new problems, but it's one of those feel-good-at-the-time things. I've realized that my other 'binge' area is shopping. My hand went to the phone several times yesterday while watching shopping newtworks. And I keep thinking that I need a new outfit for my all day training on Friday. Something professional, but casual. In actuality, I need nothing. I know this when I stop to think about it. Shopping isn't going to do me any better than eating cake. In fact it will make it worse, as Pete is still laid off.

My solice is playing with that cute little Nico puppy while sitting next to my husband.

Does defeat equal binge?

2011-09-13T09:00:00.000-05:00

I've binged. I didn't know exactly what to call it before. I just thought of it as indulging in what I wanted to eat at the moment. I'd stop at the grocery store and usually pick up salty chips, salsa/guac, sour cream and salsa which was my appetizer. Then some salads from the deli - high fat, high calorie. Then a pint of ice cream and a small cake from the bakery.

I'd think nothing about eating loads of the food. Nothing.

Now I know that it's a binge. I know that these occurred after disappointments, after hard times, when I felt down, to celebrate, basically any excuse. What to know what stopped me? Pete. When Pete moved it it meant that if I wanted to continue this I'd have to share it. not share the food, well that too, but share the fact that I did this. It embarrassed me. So I stopped. Aside from a couple of times,. I've never even looked back on this.

But last night? Last night I would have given anything for a large chocolate cake, a pint of ice cream, salty chips and those high calorie salads. All washed down with a quart of rootbeer. And better yet, all eaten from the comfort of my bed, in the dark, while watching trashy TV from my Tivo. The urge to binge like this was so strong that I mentioned it to Pete. Not that I wanted to binge, not in those terms. When he asked me what I wanted for dinner through my tear stained eyes and cheeks, I said ice cream, chocolate cupcakes and junk food in bed. And bless his heart, he would have indulged me. Only he can't eat all that stuff and we don't have it in the house purposely.

So instead I played with the puppy, blogged, played games on my phone, watched some TV from the living room and just obsessed about it silently. It's a victory that I didn't indulge, but it saddens me that I thought about resorting to this again.

Admitting Defeat

2011-09-12T17:59:00.001-05:00

I went in for my consult today with the surgery center. Oddly enough, my goal these last couple of weeks was not to lose weight. And guess what happened? I lost almost 10 pounds to be back to 233.

Pete and I went to the center together because he had an appointment almost the same time. He went in and talked to his doctor and came out. She asked me if I wanted to skip the process and just consult with her right after the nurse today. I told her that I'd follow the procedures and she said she was looking forward to seeing me soon.

I went back when my name was called. I had already spent time filling out my health history and documenting all the attempts to lose weight and writing a letter about why I wanted to do this. First they take you picture, then they weigh and measure you. I tried hard not to look at the numbers because my fear was that I wouldn't qualify. We went into the exam room and started talking about my medical history, my current medical state and all that I've been doing.

Her first concern was that my TMJ would pose an issue with me being able to chew sufficiently. Post surgery you have to chew everything to applesauce consistency. It's not that I can't chew, it's that my jaw sometimes tires more easily. So she suggested that I spend some time practicing this in the next few weeks, saying that I'd actually have to have a consult with the doctor to approve me based on that.

Then she said it. I don't qualify for insurance purposes. I kept my face clear of emotion, while inside my heart started beating faster. She does think that I have sleep apnea and if I do, then she said that insurance would pay for the surgery. So she sent me off with a few things to do: 1. Ask my doctor to order a sleep study to see if I have sleep apnea. 2. Ask my doctor for a different medication for my TMJ as I won't be able to take NSAIDs post op (should I qualify) 3. Practice chewing each thing at least 20 times. Once I've accomplished those things she said I should make a consult appointment with the doctor to get approval for the surgery.

I walked out of the office with a smile on my face and Pete started asking me questions. I was talking slow and low on the way back to the car because I'm a pretty private person. Once in the car I lost it. I feel so defeated. I feel like I tried the healthy way to lose this weight for the last two years and had some limited success. However, that success meant that I don't qualify for my insurance provider to help me achieve it all. This was my fear that I talked about a few weeks ago. And it came true. And I feel defeated. Utterly defeated.

9/11 - 10 Years later

2011-09-11T07:00:00.000-05:00

I have about 12 hours of programming set to record on my Tivo today. I plan on watching it all as soon as I can.

I looked at pictures on MSN Friday at work. When I started at the first picture I thought that it was sad. By the 5th picture, I was 'there' again. Back on 9/11/01, sitting in my Grandma's livingroom watching the whole thing unfold on the TV. I can smell the smells, see the items around me and the sun shining in the windows, hear the phone ringing and talking with my Mom, feel the terror and uncertainty. I am there again in an instant and it brings tears to my eyes and the same feeling of terror all over again.

Every year since then I watch the documentary from Jules and Gedeon Naudet. I have had it saved on my Tivo since 2006. Only this year it's not on my new Tivo. I'm conflicted. I want so much to watch it again. I can't tell why I continue to watch it every year. It's almost as though I force myself back to feeling the things I felt on that day and the days afterwards. Almost like I have to keep re-feeling it to remind myself how bad it really was. I think it's like losing all the veterans from Pearl Harbor. I wasn't alive and the importance is not lost on me, but I can't FEEL it. The veterans could feel it.

Today I am sad. Sad that my innocence (and I did have innocence at 31 years old) was shattered in 2001. Sad that the devastation that occurred on that day is still unfolding with first responders getting sick, no complete memorial yet, and arguments over who belongs at the memorial this year. I'm sad that the American unity and bond that we felt in the days after 9/11/2001 seem to be gone. I'm sad that the years since then have had wars in many countries with many service members killed. I'm sad that our country has turned into a political firestorm that cannot seem to accomplish anything.

Yes, at 31 I was innocent. I think most people my age were. We had never 'seen' war or attacks on US ground. The innocence that I speak of was shattered with a realization that US is no longer a superpower that it untouchable. I lived for 31 years thinking that I was so very safe while in the States. That my government would protect me. Now that I think about it, I think it was a combination of innocence and having my head in the sand. At any rate, it was gone at 8:30am on 9/11/01.

I've talked about this before in prior blog posts. While I didn't know anyone personally who died in the attacks I feel as though I was there. It changed me for weeks afterwards. I was glued to the TV 24 hours a day. I was living alone at the time and would sit in front of the TV watching all the news and reports and thought I didn't want to see anymore at the time, I couldn't not watch. It was as though my brain thought that I needed to watch in case something else happened. In case there were more so that I was on top of it and not surprised. I had trouble sleeping and working. Eventually it passed, but it returns to me about this time every year.

So to all, I wish you a safe 9/11/2011. I ask that you pause and remember the many who perished 10 years ago. The innocent people in the towers, Pentagon and planes. The first responders who gave their lives to rescue others. The people who worked for months afterwards to find remains so the families could morn loved ones. I ask that to remember that America is still struggling and that we all need to participate to help recover. I ask that you hug your loved ones and do something that makes you happy. To celebrate life and all that it entails - good and bad.

God Bless.

6 pounds

2011-09-09T09:32:00.001-05:00

Somewhere in my random eating and inability to work out I lost 6 pounds this week. I do feel like we spent less time sitting around in the last week. I had a full week last week with something every night. Then we ran all weekend off doing something each day. This week I don't sit down when I get home. I play with the puppy or we go for walks. We're also eating out less. Actually eating out none. We stay home with the puppy.

It's Friday! Yay!

Tonight we're going to a movie. It's both a relaxing time for Pete and I and a chance for Nico to get used to being in his crate while we're away. Tomorrow I have a date with a 5 year old's soccer game. Actually Nico and I are going to the game. Sunday is relaxing day again. Relaxing. I need it.

Tired.

2011-09-08T10:21:00.001-05:00

I've had really good intentions of going to the gym this week. Intentions. Only my sleep pattern is shot. The puppy is up every couple of hours and whether or not he squawks about needing to go out or just wines for attention, Pete takes him outside. By 5am when my alarm goes off to get up, I'm so tired that I never remember shutting it off.

I'm hoping it's better next week.

It will be better next week, right?

All Over & Nowhere

2011-09-07T12:42:00.002-05:00

I feel like I am all over the place in my eating and nowhere in my workouts.

My workouts pretty much stopped the end of July when I was having such an issue with my feet. I can't tell you how incredibly frustrating this is. I'm ok for 20 minutes of walking/jogging. But then the balls of my feet go numb and shoot pain into my toes, preventing me from continuing. It was so bad that at the State Fair I was actually happy to go back to the car because my feet were hurting so much. I had to tell myself, "just a little farther" repeatedly in my head.

I actually went to see a podiatrist about this. She said that there didn't seem to be anything wrong persae and gave me suggestions. Supportive shoes that have good, thick soles so that the soles are doing the work instead of the ball of my foot. Small, thin gel inserts for the ball of my foot. And keep trying. She also told me that eventually I'll want to have surgery to correct my bunions. I've resisted this for years because I hear that it's one of the most painful surgeries. Someday I guess my feet will be so painful that I'll want it.

So I do have new shoes. I have these Brooks. Yes. Men's shoes. My feet are a double wide (kind of like the trailer homes! lol) and it's hard to find those locally in shoe stores. Mens shoes seem to fit my feet better. Oh, I could have ordered the turquoise or purple ones, but I'm not staring at my feet as I jog and I certainly don't qualify for most fashionable at the gym. That said, I'm almost scared to try the new shoes. Weird? Probably. But, much like I'm afraid that I won't qualify for the surgery, I'm afraid that these shoes won't fit. It would be very depression on both things if it didn't work out.

As for my eating...I'm doing healthy portions. But the kinds of foods aren't necessarily the healthiest. Mini cheesecakes for my Dad's birthday, pretzel dog at the Fair, Sweet Martha's Cookies. And yet, I have been eating apples every day as snacks and pears. I just feel all over the place with how I'm eating and what I'm eating. To make matters worse, all I can think about this time of year is cooking. Baking sweets and breads and treats. Cooking big comforting dinners, chili, stews, roasts... Not necessarily what the person who is trying to lose weight should be doing.

Nico

2011-09-06T10:03:00.000-05:00

These last few weeks I feel like I've been trying to fit all the summer that I can into life. As though I know that the changing leaves, cooler weather and snow is right around the corner. So much so that I looked into my kitchen last Friday and tried to remember the last time I spent any time in it cooking. I couldn't remember. I think it was the week I took vacation and spent lots of time cleaning every nook and cranny and cooking.

But it wasn't meant to be that I spent any time in it on Friday. We were up early and headed out for some shopping. Then to the State Fair. We started out at about noon, walking around and eating. I had to try the sweet corn ice cream. Pete and I shared a pretzel dog and a cone of Sweet Martha's cookies. Then I lost my energy. I've been fighting allergies and a cold and likely a sinus infection. So we spent 2 hours in the car so I could sleep. Bless Pete, the man of my dreams for realizing when I need a break and being ok with it. Then we watched Garrison Keillor and The Prairie Home Companion Show which was pretty funny.

Saturday morning we were up and headed to the last campout for the day. It was a 3.5 hour drive down there and I relaxed in the car on Pete's lap for most of the ride while our friends drove. We didn't stay long because it was cold, wet and not very many people there. But when we came home, we came home with this:

Meet Nico. He's a Mini-Schnauzer 8 week old puppy. He's about 5 pound right now and will only be about 15-17 pounds and 12 inches tall when he's grown. He's the black & silver color that's not very often seen like the salt & pepper version. And I am in L.O.V.E. We searched for a name everywhere. Finally decided on Nico, which means victory in German.

Sunday we headed back to the pet store so Nico could pick out some toys and we could get some good food for him and sign up for puppy classes. Then we left him in his crate for about 3 hours while we went out to eat with my family for my Dad's birthday. Nico did very well and had fun with the kids when they came back to our house to meet him.

Yesterday was relaxing. I took a 2 hour nap with Nico. I make chili and cornbread and banana bread. It was the most wonderful day in a long time.

What's your drink of choice?

2011-09-01T08:00:00.001-05:00

ATLANTA - Health officials say half of Americans drink a soda or sugary beverage each day — and some are downing an awful lot.

A new study found that one in 20 drinks the equivalent of more than four cans of soda each day. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention research also showed teenage boys drink the most soda, sports drinks and other sugary liquids.

Sweetened drinks have been linked to the U.S. explosion in obesity, and health officials have been urging people to cut back. Many schools have stopped selling soda or artificial juices.

The CDC report released Wednesday is said to be the first to offer national statistics for adults and kids. Past studies have focused on certain groups, particularly school kids.

Half of Americans are drinking their sugar daily. It's no wonder we're obese. It's no wonder us kids of the 70's grew up with weight issues.

I remember as a kid drinking soda from bottles like these. They came in 6 packs from the Red Owl store that my mom shopped at and my aunt worked at. I remember going up and down those aisles and coming home with lots of food. What specific food, I can't remember. I remember the soda though. And when it wasn't soda, it was Koolaid made with the maximum amount of sugar. And when it wasn't Koolaid, it was Schwann's Vita-Sun.

Water? Water was for washing dishes & clothes, for sprinkling lawns and taking showers. We never drank water. Wait, I take that back. When we played softball, we'd bring water jugs. I remember begging for the powered Gatorade to make it taste and never getting it. Water is something that I discovered in my 30's as a drink that I should be drinking. Even then my relationship with water was limited. I did it when I was really thirsty in the summer or I was sick and not feeling good.

I gave up sodas 3 years ago and I don't regret it. But I will tell you that I rarely drink plain water unless it's from a bottle. I use Crystal Lite or frozen fruit/fruit juice in my water. While I like not drinking sodas and sports drinks, most times I crave flavor. It's as though my mind expects that the drink should have taste. I think my mind is programming to expect a flavor and it's a really hard habit to break. There are times when I'm better at it than others.

So how many spoonfuls of sugar did you drink today?

Bariatric Surgery Information Session

2011-08-31T11:39:00.000-05:00

I walked in the hospital last night with anxiety. Not wanting to be there, but wanting to be there. I found the room and checked in to get my paperwork. I walked in the room and it hit me that this was me I was here for. Me. Not Pete.

I looked around as if to size myself up against the others in the room. I'm not going to lie. I felt small. I was one of the thinnest, if not the thinnest person there. I had a moment of wonder; wondering if I really needed this. Then I started filling out paperwork. They asked many health questions. However, when I got the point about my weight and the diets and weight management programs that I've tried, I was reminded that this was something that I needed to do. It was clear.

My heaviest? I found a picture of myself in 2000 at Christmas time. My face is very full and from looking at my face now, both Pete and I think that I was around 275. I was a solid size 24 pants and I remember buying them, thinking that I really needed new pants and wondering if the store I shopped at regularly had changed the fit of the pants because I needed such a large size. I thought that my short hair fit my face well, but it only served to further fill out a full face. I thought I looked good.

Looking back, I remember that I never stepped on a scale. Seriously. I don't remember being on a scale (other than the doctor's office) until I lived with Pete. Oh I'm sure that I randomly weighed myself on my Grandma's scale when I lived with her or was at her house. But the point is that I don't remember doing it. I knew I was big, but didn't think that I was THAT big. And I wasn't interested in numbers. I was defeated at that time, thinking there was no way I could lose weight and I was just meant to be that large.

I now know that I had a strange body image in thinking that I was smaller than I really was. I know now that there are things that I can do to lose weight. I know that exercise is important. I have lots more tools at hand to help me. But I really do need this additional tool to get me past my roadblock of the last couple years.

So my next step is meeting with the nurse. I go in on 9/12/11 with my health history and some notes from my general doctor and see if I qualify for this. If I do, I would start the same process that Pete went through earlier this year.

Do I need to Justify?

2011-08-29T10:10:00.000-05:00

When I posted about making an appointment for the gastric band a few things happened.

I felt raw and very exposed. Not only to Pete (the only one in my life who knows), but to the world through my blog. More exposed and raw than I think I've ever felt.
I lost readers.
I gained more readers.
I felt like I needed to justify my decision to...everyone.

Why? Why do I need to justify my decision to anyone other than myself?

I think that part of it is my mindset from growing up. I feel (this my only be my impression and I'm recognizing that) that I asked my parents for things many times. To go places, see movies, be with friends, get new clothes...all the usual things that kids/teens ask for. And many times I was shot down. Likely there were good reasons for it, but to me it just felt like they were saying no all the time. So I stopped asking for things. I had been shot down enough times to know that the answer would be no. Almost as though it had crushed a part of my spirit.

When I really did want something and thought it was worth asking for, I would develop a plan. The plan was thinking about every reason in the world that it would benefit me or my parents or my family. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. But what happens in my head with likely every decision is that I think about the decision, think about all the obstacles first. All of them. Then plan around them. In essence, I am not a spur of the moment thinker. I am a planner.

So before I even decided to tell Pete I came up with a plan in my head. Before I talked to my doctor, I came up with a plan in my head. Before I wrote the blog post, I came up with a plan. What I realize now is that my plans are more justifying what I want to do, even when I don't need to do so. It was a major realization for me. Major. It made me think about how I mentally process things. I need to note that I don't need to justify myself anymore, I'm an adult.

I'm going to be practicing this tomorrow night. My appointment with the bariatric surgery center starts out with an informational group tomorrow night. I went to it with Pete, but still have to do it again for me. I learned that a co-worker will be there with her husband. I haven't said anything to her about going through the process myself. But tomorrow I'm going to practice telling her without it seeming like I'm justifying my decision to her.

My Worst Fear

2011-08-25T09:06:00.000-05:00

Sunday I talked about my worst fear. And like I said, it's not even really my worst fear. My worst fear, the one that instantly brings tears to my eyes, is that something happens to Pete. I am so tied to him in every way that the thought of not having him instantly brings me to tears. I don't think about that very often.

My worst fear right now?

I won't qualify for gastric band. Either the program or my insurance won't qualify me. I'm anxious and nervous and left kind of in limbo for right now. I almost feel like this is my last chance to get some of this weight off and get truly healthy.

So when I whispered this to Pete and took a deep breath in...and he replied that we'd deal with it then, it was the best answer ever. The most calming supportive answer. The answer that I needed to hear.

Out of Hiding aka Where I'm At Today

2011-08-24T08:38:00.000-05:00

I've been on this healthiness journey since November 2007. Some months were on target and I was losing and feeling good. Other months were filled with illness/injury and there was either no losing or gaining. Admittedly, there were also months that I gave up and never worried about being healthy. There were months that I was so consumed with life and all that goes on, that healthiness never entered my mind.

I've lost a solid 30 pounds. Oh, I've lost more. At one point I was up to losing a total of 40 pounds. But in the last year I've yo-yo'd that final 10 pounds more than the elevator in the Sears Tower. I've counted calories, made meal plans, only shopped for fresh food, eaten more fish, cut up low-fat/low sugar items, eaten every 4 hours, only eaten 3 meals, 1200 calories, high fiber, had a trainer, been a gym rat, taken classes, tried new things, C25K, read books, read blogs, blogged myself, read recipe books, taken challenges...

Where I'm at: I weigh 237. I definitely have more muscle than I did 2 years ago. I have more endurance with cardio. But I can't get past this plateau. Because of my weight, I'm at high risk for heart disease, diabetes and breast cancer; I have arthritis in my knees and issues with my feet; I snore and keep my husband and I from sleeping through the night. I don't want to be here anymore.

Can you guess where this is going?

I made an appointment with the bariatric surgery center for 8/30/11.

I know it's not popular. I know that people are going to tell me not to give up and that I can do it on my own. But the truth is that I'm not giving up and I will do this on my own. The truth is that I'm going to do with with another tool to help me. Just like a calorie counter, the gym and my trainer were tools, so is the gastric banding.

Please don't judge me. This is a decision not quickly made. I've thought about this for about 4 years since one of my friends did it. I've tried several things on my own and with the help of doctors, nutritionists and trainers. I need more help. I've discussed my weight at length every 6 months when I see my doctor. I've discussed this decision with her and she agrees with me. I hate surgery and fear it because of issues in the past with surgery. But I'm willing to go through it for ME. When it comes to medical issues, my motto is always to do the least invasive things first. And I have. The gyms, the calories, the training, the meals, reading blogs, books, trying new plans. It's not working. I need to step up to something more invasive, but that I can live with.

So there. I've said it.

Did you ever tell someone your worst fear?

2011-08-21T16:47:00.000-05:00

I did.

There was nothing either spectacular or earth shattering this weekend. It was a normal weekend where Pete and I went to a motorcycle club campout. Well, we did stay in a hotel because we knew we wouldn't get to Hayward, WI until 9pm Friday night. Setting up the camper in the dark isn't fun and we usually fight. And I guess you could say that it was unusually cold for August. Well, there was also the fact that my music didn't work.

I had a good 7+ hours of riding on my bike by myself to do nothing but think and enjoy the ride.

When we got home I was wiped out. Between the cooler temps, the running around, and the wind, I was tired. Pete and I took the bag off the bike and settled in for a nap. When he woke me up an hour later I felt more refreshed, but still tired.

We lay, cuddled together in bed. His back to my front, my legs and arms wrapped around his. Then I told him my worst fear. And when I did, tears started coming out, as though the words were the keys to release the floodgates. As though my body had a instant response to my brain and my heart. They fell silently down my sunburnt/windburnt cheeks and slid over the side of my face into my left ear.

It's silly really. Because even though I say this is my worst fear, it's really not. My worst fear is something happening to Pete or my nieces/nephews or my parents; something happening to my job or Pete not getting a job. Those things are my worst fears, but they're everyone's worst fears. They're normal worst fears. They're things things that everyone can relate to. My worst fear is something that feels specific to me. Something that if I utter out loud, then it becomes real. If I say it, I then admit that it means something to me and I can no longer care that it doesn't. It feels akin to me telling everyone I was happy when I was single, just so they didn't know how lonely I was. It both breaks my heart and makes me smile.

But I said it. And Pete responded the best way that he could. Lovingly supportive. Confident. Calm and reassuring. And encouraging.

It's better to ask than assume

2011-08-19T12:34:00.000-05:00

Over time, I have learned that it's better to ask about things that to guess or expect them.

Case in point. This is my bathroom. These are my hand towels hanging from the little cabinet.

The towel on the left I use to dry my hands after I use the bathroom. The towel on the right used to be a decorative towel and a wash cloth and look pretty. Then I noticed that those decorative towels were wet, messy and generally not pretty. So I started hanging a regular towel. I'd use the other towel for my hands or mouth after tooth brushing.

Then, one day, I was in the bathroom while Pete was drying off after a shower. I watched in amazement as he used that right towel TO DRY HIS BODY OFF after the shower. So in other words, I was drying my hands and face on his behind.... I asked him how long he had been doing that and he said for some time. Let's just say that I don't use the right towel any more. For ANYTHING.

Then last night I came home to this:

For those that don't know, this is a dental tool used in cleaning teeth. I have TMJ and cannot open very far. Flossing is a a killer exercise that leaves my jaw tired and cranky. I was given this my by dentist to use in getting stuck food out. It's home is in with my toothbrush.

After the towel realization I decided that I needed to get to the bottom of this one right away. So I asked Pete why it was out. First he launched into how he was cleaning something and needed to get into a small space. I was horrified. Then I looked at his face and saw him smiling. He actually used it on his teeth.

*sigh* I'm not thrilled about it, but I can live with it.

It's better to ask, than assume.

I'm hiding

2011-08-18T16:16:00.000-05:00

I'm hiding lately. Have you noticed?

I'm hiding from working out, from counting calories, from losing weight. And rather than rant on and on about it, or bemoan my inability to follow through or any of it...I'm hiding. I'm still posting, but not about me.

I'm good at hiding. I've done it for years. I can blend into the background with the best of them. I was (am?) that person that would be at a party and the next day talk to someone who had no idea I was there. I am the person that keeps all the feelings inside until they explode out of me in ways that are not healthy and sometimes hurtful to others. I am the person who can pretend that it's all good on the outside as the inside is screaming.

To be honest, I didn't realize I was hiding until I looked back a the titles of the posts here. For the last 24 hours I've thought and thought and thought some more about why I'm hiding. I think I know. I think I'm to the point of talking it through. I just need to talk to Pete about it first.

So until I can talk and then talk to you, I'm still hiding. I'm here. Just hiding.

Taco Pie? Mexican Cornbread Casserole?

2011-08-17T12:41:00.000-05:00

Last week when I was grocery shopping I found lots of great fresh produce. And as I do a lot, I ended up shopping while creating a recipe in my head. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't... This time it did. Only I can't figure out what to call it. Taco Pie sounds, well, not great. Mexican Cornbread Casserole? Really it's the best I can come up with.

Take these items: can of diced chilis, can of reduced sodium black beans, small can of reduced sodium tomato sauce and your favorite salsa.

Add the corn from one large ear and 1/2 cup each of red, yellow and green pepper along with cornbread and some other things. Here's the whole recipe:

Mexican Cornbread Casserole

1/2 pound lean ground turkey, chicken or beef.
1 tablespoon taco seasoning. I make my own with the recipe here.
1 1/2 cup diced bell peppers - any color
1/2 cup fresh or frozen corn
1 cup of your favorite salsa
1 can diced chilis. I would have used jalapeno if I had a fresh one.
1 small can reduced sodium tomato sauce
1 can reduced sodium black beans

For the Cornbread portion:

2/3 cup wheat flour
1/3 cup cornmeal
2 tblsp sugar
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 cup milk
2 tblsp oil
1 egg, beaten
1/3 cup shredded cheese

Heat oven to 400 degrees.

Brown crumbled meat in pan and add taco seasoning.

In a large bowl mix the meat, the veggies, the beans, salsa and the tomato sauce well. I added some other spices like cumin, chili powder and hot sauce to our liking.

Spray a 9x9 inch baking dish with non stick spray and wipe most of it out. Pour in the mixture and set aside.

Mix together the cornbread. Drop by spoonfuls over the top of the dish. Spread out as much as possible.

Bake for 35-40 minutes or until the cornbread is done.

Addiction Follow Up

2011-08-16T07:00:00.001-05:00

Addiction Follow Up

Addiction is a chronic brain disorder and not simply a behavior problem involving alcohol, drugs, gambling or sex, experts contend in a new definition of addiction, one that is not solely related to problematic substance abuse.

The American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM) just released this new definition of addiction after a four-year process involving more than 80 experts.

.."At its core, addiction isn't just a social problem or a moral problem or a criminal problem. It's a brain problem whose behaviors manifest in all these other areas," said Dr. Michael Miller, past president of ASAM who oversaw the development of the new definition. "Many behaviors driven by addiction are real problems and sometimes criminal acts. But the disease is about brains, not drugs. It's about underlying neurology, not outward actions."

The new definition also describes addiction as a primary disease, meaning that it's not the result of other causes, such as emotional or psychiatric problems. And like cardiovascular disease and diabetes, addiction is recognized as a chronic disease; so it must be treated, managed and monitored over a person's lifetime, the researchers say.

Two decades of advancements in neuroscience convinced ASAM officials that addiction should be redefined by what's going on in the brain. For instance, research has shown that addiction affects the brain's reward circuitry, such that memories of previous experiences with food, sex, alcohol and other drugs trigger cravings and more addictive behaviors. Brain circuitry that governs impulse control and judgment is also altered in the brains of addicts, resulting in the nonsensical pursuit of "rewards," such as alcohol and other drugs.

A long-standing debate has roiled over whether addicts have a choice over their behaviors, said Dr. Raju Hajela, former president of the Canadian Society of Addiction Medicine and chair of the ASAM committee on addiction's new definition.

"The disease creates distortions in thinking, feelings and perceptions, which drive people to behave in ways that are not understandable to others around them," Hajela said in a statement. "Simply put, addiction is not a choice. Addictive behaviors are a manifestation of the disease, not a cause."

.Even so, Hajela pointed out, choice does play a role in getting help.

"Because there is no pill which alone can cure addiction, choosing recovery over unhealthy behaviors is necessary," Hajela said.

This "choosing recovery" is akin to people with heart disease who may not choose the underlying genetic causes of their heart problems but do need to choose to eat healthier or begin exercising, in addition to medical or surgical interventions, the researchers said.

"So, we have to stop moralizing, blaming, controlling or smirking at the person with the disease of addiction, and start creating opportunities for individuals and families to get help and providing assistance in choosing proper treatment," Miller said.

Interesting, no?

Food Addiction

2011-08-15T13:14:00.000-05:00

There are times when I wonder if the food I crave is really the food I'm addicted to. Ever wonder the same thing?

First Minnesota Food Addiction Treatment Center Opens

The "COR" program uses the Twelve-Step principles of Alcoholics Anonymous to help people beat their addiction to processed sugars and food additives.

According to the Centers for Disease Control, nearly one-fourth of Minnesota's adult population is obese. Burt Nordstrand and Michelle Goldenberger founded and run the new "COR" program as a non-profit agency with volunteers.

It opened this week and offers week-long treatment programs based on the Twelve-Steps of A.A.

COR is a 5 day retreat to help understand addiction and how to overcome it. It's based on the other models of addiction and how to overcome it. There's mediation, group work, individual work, study groups, support groups, homework... $650.

So what do you think? Part of me thinks that it would be information beneficial to anyone on a healthiness journey. Part of me thinks that all the information is there for me on the Internet and in blogs and in books for much less money. Part of me thinks that I'm not an addict, but isn't that what every addict thinks?

I wanna do a 5K and get sparked

2011-08-11T09:30:00.000-05:00

Ever since I met Ann last fall at the Prior Fat Girl event, I've been thinking about a 5K. Strike that, I've been fascinated about a 5K.

My family used to do the Susan Komen Mother's Day walks and would do the 1K family walk. I was always fascinated with the people in the other races. Awed really. How could they do that? Why would they want to run like that? I could never do that.

When I started at the gym almost 2 years ago, I was again awed by the people who would hop on that treadmill and go. Go at at 5, 6 or 7 for 45 minutes. In fact there was one woman who would be there when the doors opened at 5am and rung at an 8 for an hour with several layers of clothes on, hats and weights in her hands.

Still I'm fascinated by the 5K. I want to feel what it's like. The distance, the weather, the ground beneath me, the surroundings, the other runners... My guess is that the fascination will last the first 1K and then it will change to, "Why the hell did I decide to do this?" I'm hoping that it will spark something in me to 'train' for it. I'm hoping that it will spark something in me to continue training for other ones. I'm hoping that it will spark something that makes me want to better a time.

I want to do a 5K and get sparked.

Triggers

2011-08-10T10:36:00.000-05:00

Do you know what your triggers are for eating? I'm not talking about the growl in your tummy. I'm talking about external or even internal things that send signals to your brain to get you to eat.

I'm an on again off again coffee drinker. For a long time a few years ago, I'd stop a the local Starbucks, Caribou or Dun Bros for that large cup of coffee each morning. My usual was a caramel macchiato or s a variation thereof at the other stores. The largest size of course, with soy. 280 calories, 6 grams of fat, 48!grams of carbs. Then I'd figure that if I was getting coffee, I needed breakfast, right? Banana loaf was my regular or something similar at the other places. 490 calories! 19 grams of fat, 75!grams of carbs. So there was my breakfast - 770 calories, 25 grams of fat, 123 grams of carbs. One meal.

One meal was half of what I should be eating every day. When I started working out and logging all my food I realized that the morning coffee was sabotaging me. So I went back to drinking tea. The process of steeping my loose leaf tea was calming and I enjoyed the tea with a teaspoon of honey or agave every morning. I was sure to choose ones with caffeine and ones without and that's what I drank all day.

Then I got away from tea and it was water all the time. But summer starts up, motorcycle trips start and coffee is present at ALL of them. So then I decided that I'd skip the fru-fru coffee places and drink gas station coffee. Not bad, right? Just the coffee and a shot of cream from the stand. Oh, wait...they have donuts. I need breakfast. 330 calories, 17 grams of fat, 40 grams of carbs in one small plain donut. They're small, I'll take 2.

See a pattern here? I do and I did.

If I stop in the morning at a store for any reason, I end up buying fru-fru calorie high coffee and a totally bad for me breakfast of pastries. It's my trigger, these morning stops. I know NOT to do them.

See what I had to do this morning? It was either this, or park my vehicle and walk the 10 miles from the station to work and then back again this afternoon. I ended up with gas, 2 bottles of SoBe 0 Calorie LifeWater, Twix Peanutbutter and small apple fritter.

*sigh*

This is definitely something I need to work on. But I'm glad that I recognize this trigger. It's like piece number 46 in the huge jigsaw puzzle that is my life and I'm glad that it's in place.

This past weekend I wanted...

2011-08-09T06:30:00.004-05:00

This past weekend:

I wanted red velvet cake with fluffy white frosting...but I had cantaloupe, blueberries and strawberries with a bit of light whipped cream.

I wanted comforting creamy mac & cheese...but I had 1/5 elbows, 1/5 cauliflower, 1/5 broccoli, 1/5 red peppers and 1/5 grape tomatoes in a cheese sauce (homemade).

I wanted a cold beer at the concert we were at...but I had water with lemon and unsweetened ice tea.

Last night i wanted yellow cake with fudgy chocolate frosting. Instead I found a recipe for zucchini bread and altered it a bit to make it healthier, but still leave me feeling like I was getting something sweet.

Altered Zucchini Bread

2 eggs
1 egg white
2 cups shredded zucchini, loosely packed
1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
3/4 cut white sugar
1/4 cup oil
2 tsp vanilla
1 2/3 cup unbleached wheat flour
1 1/3 cup unbleached white flour
3 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 cup mini chocolate chips

In a mixing bowl, whisk together flours, spices, baking soda, baking powder and salt. Set aside. In another bowl, add eggs and mix well. Add in sugars and mix until light and fluffy. Add in oil and applesauce and mix well. Add in zucchini and vanilla and 2-3 minutes to break up the shreds of zucchini. Slowly add in the flour mixture, one third at a time and only mixing each addition until it's just mixed.

Spray 2 non stick loaf pans with non stick spray and lightly dust with wheat flour. Separate 1/2 batter into one pan. Add the chips to the remaining batter and mix well. Pour into second pan. Rap pans on counter to remove air bubbles and level out.

Bake 350 degrees for 60 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean. Now I gotta admit, I need to tweak it a bit more. I love moisy bread and this was a little dryer than I'd like. Not horrible or bad, but just not as moist as I'd like.

Each loaf cut into 10 pieces has the following: 95 calories, 2 grams of fat, 17 grams carbs and 2 grams fiber. When the comparison is several hundred calories in a piece of cake and frosting...this is pretty good.

So what do you switch out, change up or redo for yourself?

Are you missing a step in your journey?

2011-08-08T11:44:00.000-05:00

I did something today. Scheduled my twice a year mammogram for later this month.

Yes, twice a year. I have a regular mammogram and then 6 months later have an MRI mammogram. I've been getting mammograms since I was 27. That was the year my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. Not only she was diagnosed, but her mother had it (twice) and her grandmother also had it, all about the same age of onset (47-48). I talk about how my family decided to go through genetic testing here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and finally here. About the emotions and thoughts and the jumbled up thinking during the process. I'd forgotten how emotional I was during that time.

At any rate, I have a high chance of getting breast cancer, or ovarian cancer. So every 6 months I go in for a mammogram and monthly I do self exams. It's part of keeping me healthy. Healthy.

So I was sitting here thinking, I wonder how many people on a healthiness journey to lose weight are missing part of the journey by not seeing a doctor regularly for check ups. You know, those fun paps (not) and routine blood work, blood pressure checks, updated shots... When was your last mammogram?

If you're one of these people, I challenge you to take some positive action and schedule an appointment. After all, it's part of your journey.

Friday Fun Day

2011-08-05T09:01:00.001-05:00

I did something yesterday that was either going to make my husband very happy or very mad. There was no middle ground with this one. I washed these:

Now I know what you're saying, why would he be mad? Well, in order to wash his bike I had to move it out into the driveway. I'm not allowed to ride his bike and honestly I wouldn't attempt to ride it when he wasn't home. And he's not being mean when he says that I can't ride his bike. It's about 850 pounds versus my bike's 570 pounds. It's a big difference.

But he came home to his bags off and a shiny bike and was happy. (whew)

Then we left and went to Dulano's Pizza. Every first Thursday hundreds of bikes show up to see and be seen.

Picture from my cell phone using the Instragram app from iTunes. Very cool filter!

This is Pete in the tiny little parking lot looking at some bikes. But the streets surrounding the place fill out with rows and rows of bikes. Crotch-rockets, Harleys, Hondas, Can-Ams, Indians, mo-peds...basically anything with a motor and 2 or 3 wheels is there. It's very cool. If you live in the Twin Cities, you should check it out. The people are as varied as the bike styles.

Then, because Pete has this thing with ice cream, we headed home to stop at his new favorite store. And guess what I found?

ELIVS! He's ALIVE and as of last night he was playing in the park in downtown Elk River. Elk River puts on music in the little park on the river downtown every Thursday night in the summer. Pete and I have stopped down there before to listen.

And guess what? Tonight we're going to see Travis Tritt! Otsego Jam Fest starts tonight with Travis Tritt. I was way into his music in the 90's and love his voice. Tomorrow we'll head back over there for the car/motorcycle show and the festivities.

What's on tap for your weekend?

Intuitive Eating

2011-08-04T11:04:00.000-05:00

I'm slowly wondering what this is. Because my intuitive eating right now is eat what I want, when I want it. But I'm guessing that it's more complex than that and a bit less like a free-for-all than I imagine.

I've been researching books to read and there are lots. Most seem to take this Zen like approach to eating and being mindful about it. I'm not sure I'm there. On the Zen part. While I like some of the ideas of Buddism, I'm not fully sold and I don't want to be confused by the aspects of it while trying to read a book about eating.

I'm thinking of this book: Normal Eating For Normal Weight. Anyone read it? Anyone read any other books that are similar?

Jen from Prior Fat Girl posted on Facebook about going to a class at Sky Zone next week. Immediately I sent Pete a message asking if he'd want to do it and that it sounded cool. He sent me back a response asking if I remembered him telling me about this very thing a week or so ago? Nope. No memory of it at all. (I'm sure he was shaking his head as he said it...) Then he reminded me that our new neighbor teaches classes at this facility. He started when he was trying to lose weight, lost 80 pounds and loved it so much that he started teaching the classes. Very Cool! I'll let you know how it went next week.

3 hours at the Y

2011-08-03T10:12:00.000-05:00

Remember how I said I was going to be at the YMCA for 3 hours exercising on 7/25? Well I did it!

Me before all the working out.

Setting up the gym at the Y for all the participants.

During one of the classes.

900 calories.

Sweaty, red me afterwards...

So Pete and I got to the Y early and we watched them set up. People were going by telling us we were nuts for signing up to do all those classes at once. The schedule went like this:

5:30 - Welcome & Intros
5:45 - Turbokick
6:05 - Kettlebells
6:25 - Kickboxing
6:45 - Core & More
7:05 - BodyStep
7:25 - Yoga
7:45 - Conclusion/Prizes

Whew, right? So having only done kettlebells before, most of this was new for me. My favorite was the Core & More class. My feet were still hurting so I had a hard time with the Kickboxing and Body Step and didn't do much of them, but watched. Yoga really isn't my thing. I'm amazed at how the instructor lists herself up on one big toe and her fingertips and swings her other leg around her hip and balances - but I can't even get close to balancing on my fingertips and toes.

Pete did the Turbokick with me and then realized that he wasn't cut out for classes and ended up going to the treadmills. So I did most of it on my own. I'd like to try out the Core & More and the Kickboxing classes. While I'm not very coordinated, I think that I can get the hang of the kickboxing after a few tries and the Core & More really worked on core and balance and that would help me a lot.

I have to say that this was an awesome way to meet new people (I did that!), try new classes (I did that!), ask questions of staff in a relaxed environment (I did that!) and burn calories (I did that!). I'd love to see this offered up every so often.

Food Review

2011-08-02T08:26:00.000-05:00

We have a full sized fridge at work that 5 of us share. It's one that I found and brought here so we'd have more space. Admittedly, it's also become a place that I store more than just a day's food. I'll bring in a week's worth of breakfasts or lunches and store them. I also keep a couple of 'emergency lunches' in the freezer. Yesterday, my first day back, I had one.

My meal along with the picture of it on the box.

I had Amy's Light and Lean Black Bean and Cheese Enchilada. I give it a B-.

The food inside was very similar to the picture.
The food portions were similar to the picture.
It was only 240 calories and 44 grams of carbs.
It tasted rather good. Not exceptional in wow flavors, but good for Mexican food.

The back of the box.

What I didn't like is all those ingredients. Granted, a lot of them were organic and all those "organic" words added a lot to the ingredient list. But it had things like cane juice and enzymes that I'm not wild about.

Would I but it again? Probably. It's an okay go to frozen meal for lunch that I can add to with a small salad and fruit for a complete lunch.

I'm Back!

2011-08-01T09:40:00.000-05:00

Ahhh. Sometimes it's good to unplug from the interwebs while on vacation.

Since Pete and I couldn't go on the motorcycle trip as previously planned, I planned other things for myself while on vacation. I spend a day tearing everything out of my kitchen and cleaning it from top to bottom - scrubbing walls, floors, counters, appliances, cupboards... In the end it looked like a brand new kitchen and my goal is to keep it that way for at least a week (lol) even if it means I'm following Pete around picking up after him. I spent another day tearing apart both bathrooms and doing the same deep cleaning. Again, I'm determined to have them look that way for about a week. The only rooms that I didn't get deep cleaned were our bedroom and the living room. Soon though...

2 of the days I spent with my niece/nephew. It was a tradition that I always took Alison out for a day with me around her birthday. Only I slacked off the last couple of years. So this time I took Alison out for a day and Grant out for a day and let them pick what we did.

Grant and I in the car. We were going to breakfast.

Grant wanted to see where Pete worked so we headed over there.

Angry Bird was a hit. The bird did everything that Grant did that day. EVERYTHING.

Grant put my riding boots on and got on the playground motorcycle that someone gave Pete.

Grant was easy. We went to breakfast and then headed to the bookstore to pick out some books. He chose activity books and a big coloring book. Then he found the angry bird and was in LOVE. It was comical how much he loved that thing from the start. The rest of the day was easy - he wanted to lay in our big bed, on Pete's side and watch the big TV. Did I mention that I really hate Spongebob? I watched 2 hours of it... Then we played at the park and it was time to go home.

Alison wanted a pedicure - so we both got one!

In the car after our pedicures.

Painting ceramics - the other thing she wanted to do.

Alison was harder in that there were specific things that she wanted to do and they all cost lots of money. We talked about picking one thing each time, not several and she also got to choose some books from the bookstore.

I love spending time with them. But I gotta admit that they wear me out physically and mentally. After the second day with a kid, I fell hard asleep about 9pm and slept for 12 hours.

238; Better Choices

2011-07-24T08:15:00.000-05:00

238 today. I'm feeling better about this. I have to admit that the 244 last week really got me down. But I was hopeful that it would go down.

Breakfast: the last few days I've been eating 1 egg, 2 egg whites, 1 cup fresh spinach, and veggies. Today the veggies were 1/2 cup mushroom, 1/4 cup fresh mushrooms, handful of grape tomatoes and 1-2 ounces of cheese. I usually don't finish it all and it keeps me full for a long time.

Dinner: last night it was salmon for Pete, tilapia for me; both in foil with lemon slices and lots of cracked pepper. Foiled veggies for each of us too. Healthy choices each time.

I made these today: Redone Lemon Bars. Only I used all the lemons yesterday making homemade lemonade so they ended up being Lemon-Lime Bars. I can't wait to try them for dessert tonight. I'm also on an ice cream kick. Katie on Dashing Dish has an "ice cream" recipe I want to try. But I'm most excited about trying low calorie sorbets. I have huge amounts of fruit from Costco and I want to use it to make good things this week.

Unconsciously or consciously I am making better choices.

??? Suzie Homemaker

2011-07-22T17:54:00.000-05:00

I'm on vacation. Yay! No work until 8/1/11!

I didn't weigh myself today. Not because I was worried or didn't want to, but because I forgot. I vaguely remember kissing Pete goodbye at 6am and then falling asleep. When I woke up it was 8am. I went down and got coffee started and started in on my to do list. I have a bunch of things that I want to get done in the next week. Deep cleaning and organizing and decluttering.

I worked on my to do list until noon and then headed out to run my errands and Pete's errands (see - Suzie Homemaker). I came home and started dinner and Pete and I ate.

I love days like this. Days where I get things accomplished. And although I didn't go to the gym today, I was moving ALL DAY. So it's good on both fronts.

About the gym...I did something with my foot. On Tuesday night during training with my trainer, I did mountain climbers. I think it put way too much pressure on the balls of my feet. I intended on running afterwards, but after about 10 minutes, my feet hurt. Every time I took a stride on the ball of my left foot it hurt. Immediate afterwards my toes would go numb. I had this issue before, but solved it by getting good shoes. Usually my shoes last me a good 12 months. My shoes are only 8 months old, but after looking at the soles, they're pretty worn in the ball area. So I'm going to try different shoes tomorrow and hope that the pain doesn't return. If it does I think I need to either try new shoes or see a podiatrist.

Look Where You Want to Go

2011-07-21T11:27:00.000-05:00

2.5 years ago Pete signed me up for motorcycle class. It was actually my Valentine's gift and a lovely one at that. In the weeks leading up to it I tried to figure out ways to get out of it, but still get my motorcycle endorsement for my drivers license. The week came and I hadn't thought of anything so I went to the first class. It was ok. I was nervous (as with any new situation), a loner and stayed to myself. Thankfully there were no group projects...at least none that I remember.

The second night of class was great. I was a bit more confident and proud of myself for completing the book work. Hell, I could just get my endorsement, right? Nope. Still had to do the actual learning how to ride a motorcycle and pass the road test. Saturday brought sun, but cold. I dressed warm and as I was leaving, I admitted to Pete that I was more nervous to do this class than I was to get married. I don't know if that means I have no fears of marriage with Pete or if I was just terrified of learning to ride. Either one, he sent me out the door to my class.

I got there and learned that I wasn't the only one who had NEVER ridden. I started in and actually ended up doing very well. Out of the 15 people, I was the highest scoring woman and I score higher than some of the guys. A few of them came up to me during class and told me that I made it look easy. After I picked my bottom jaw up off the wet pavement, I smiled and thanked them. On the inside I was screaming, "IF YOU ONLY KNEW!"

Why am I telling you all this? Well I rode my motorcycle last night. After Pete and I ate dinner I had a narrow turn around to get off the cement (where kickstands don't melt into as they do on blacktop) and onto the service road. When that happens I remind myself "Look where you want to go, not where you are."

Look where you want to go, not where you are.

Light bulb moment. Yes, I remember that I need to take this day by day. I remember that I need to focus on the here and now and not worry so much about what will happen in the future. However, I need to look where I want to be each day. Instead of lamenting the fact that I have gained 10 pounds in the last couple of months, I need to focus on what I can accomplish my the end of today to reach that lofty goal of additional weight loss. Exercise, healthy food choices and portions, more water, better sleep and whatever else I figure out.

It seems so simple, but yet it took me a while to realize this.

240; Things That Make Me Feel Better

2011-07-20T09:56:00.000-05:00

1. Drinking lots of water. I feel more hydrated, perkier in disposition and less hungry.

2. Eating salads. Somehow, knowing that I ate a head of lettuce (not really, but almost) along with veggies and cheese and some dressing, I feel better. Almost as though I can feel the veggies fuel my body.

3. Eating homemade baked sweet potato fries instead of purchased french fries. They have more flavor and they make me happy because they're comforting.

4. Pulling the drawstring on my capris tightly and having lots of extra "string" leftover when I tie it in a bow. I feel like my waist has shrunk when I can do that, whether it has or not.

5. While wrestling with Pete last week he tried to pinch my shoulder area and couldn't. He couldn't because I was flexed and I have built up so much muscle that he couldn't get anything to pinch!!!! (true story)

6. Making my own iced coffee. I cold brew coffee by taking 1/4 pound of coffee and 2-4 tablespoons sugar in a large bowl with 4 cups of water and sealing it up for 8 hours; shaking or mixing it 2-3 times. Strain the grounds out through 3 layers of cheesecloth and a large fine mesh strainer. Put into a sealed pitcher and in the fridge. When it's time to drink: Add ice to a large glass; fill 2/3 with coffee and 1/3 with unsweetened soy or almond milk.

7. Falling asleep with the wisp of the ceiling fan on my skin and the heat of Pete's right hand touching the small of my back.

8. This blog post. Because it just makes me giggle something fierce and laughing is good for your soul.

9. Riding my motorcycle OR riding on the back of Pete's motorcycle while giving him a shoulder rub. Good therapy.

10. New make up in cool colors. The new purple eyeshadow, the sea green/blue toenail polish and the brown lengthening mascara makes me feel pretty.

242; Partner With Fitness

2011-07-19T08:43:00.000-05:00

Week1; Day 2: 242 today. I decided that I'm going to weigh myself daily during this time so I can track my body for the next month. I've never done that before. Day 1 went ok. I tracked my calories at 1468; 198 grams carbs, 50 grams fat and 62 grams of protein. I had about 100 ounces of water during the day.

*************************

The YMCA that I go to is having a Partner With Fitness night next Monday. The trainers put together a night of exercise, silent auction, raffle and other things. All the proceeds go to the Y Partner Fitness Campaign where they provide scholarships to those families that can't pay for full membership and for kids programs. $20 for each of us because I talked Pete into going with me. Actually I told the head trainer that I was going to go and trying to talk Pete into it. He promptly found Pete in the gym and told him that he was signing him up for it no matter what!
Starting at 5:30 they have a welcome and intro of all the trainers. Then every 20 minutes they change exercise styles. Turbokick, Kettlebells, Kickboxing, Core & More, Body Step and Yoga.

2.5 hours of exercise. I get to try all the different things and see if they're something that I could do. I get to do 2.5 hours of exercise and chalk it up to the "plan" I have for the 4 weeks. I'm pretty excited.

244; Week one, Day One

2011-07-18T08:48:00.000-05:00

244. Some of that is all the water I've been drinking in the last few days while being outside in the sauna that is currently MN. Dew points in the 80's is not good. Some of that is the junk I'm been eating. Some of that is the exercise I've not been doing.

It changes today. Week one, day one of the plan.

Surprisingly I woke up at 5 with my alarm and got to the gym. Whereas previously when I set my alarm for the gym I couldn't drag myself out of bed. But with the plan, I think I'm more motivated to get up and stick to it.

I spent 3 minutes on the treadmill - 2.04 miles, 300 calories and 16% fat burned.

I'm going to track food again in the 4 weeks as much as I can/ I'm not going to beat myself up about not doing it every day. My goal is to workout and the food tracking is a bonus.

Glimmer of change

2011-07-14T13:08:00.000-05:00

I'm taking this thing one day at a time. I can change what I do today; make better choices today, do right today. I cannot worry about tomorrow or next week or next month. Now that's not to say that I'm not going to plan or think about the tomorrows, but I'm going to worry about today. Live in the moment. I forget that sometimes and in doing so I miss things that are right before me.

I just need to remind myself. I think I need to wear the wristband from this page again. As a reminder not only about what I eat, but my day in general.

Randoms

2011-07-14T08:00:00.000-05:00

1. We are talking all 4 nieces/nephews to the races in Shakopee tonight. I'm excited to see all their faces. But a littel stressed to get everything and everone where they need to be.

2. Monday 7/25 Pete and I will be here exercising for 2.5 hours. I'll tell you more about it soon.

3. It's supposed to be hot this weekend. Hot hot. Perfect for riding.

4. Even though Pete and I aren't going away for vacation in 2 weeks, I'm still taking time off. I need to recharge.

The weight of the World

2011-07-13T15:12:00.000-05:00

At times I think I take on too much. Not physically or schedule-wize, but emotionally. For instance, I feel as though the stress of Pete's not having a job is mine and the worry of his mental health is mine. I've spent the day trying to think of fun and inexpensive getaways for 2 weeks from now when everyone else in our motorcycle club will be in Michigan camping. I've been getting texts from Pete saying that he feels as though he's just a throw-away person because the company can't even give him a letter of recommendation because he's temp through and agency. So I wonder how I can take his mind of this tonight after I get home from the gym.

But what I realize is that I'm taking on his emotions. I need to figure out how to feel my emotions and worry about those and help him through his, not take them on. I need to figure out how to support him without feeling the same things that he is feeling. Maybe I focus so much on other's feelings because it allows me to not feel my feelings. Maybe if I focus on others, then I won't have to focus on myself.

So my plan is to keep on with my plan. I had to postpone my trainer workout on Monday to help my parents with a tree on their house from the storm Sunday night. I burned calories then, just in a different way. I have a workout tonight and then I'm going to spend some time in the spa and sauna. Friday morning I'm going to work out. Baby steps. One thing at a time. Focus on the workouts for now and try to eat healthy. When it's a routine, then start something new.

It's the plan.

My life on the rollercoaster

2011-07-12T23:58:00.001-05:00

Also Known As (AKA): Pete's getting laid off again.

Immediately afterwards Pete started texting me about how he feels like a failure and it breaks my heart to hear him say that. I went numb after he called me. Almost like a I turned a switch in my head to the off position. I didn't feel a desire to eat, binge or anything like I've heard others talk about. But I ended up out to lunch with my co-workers. I ate 2 bowls of Eddington's soup, several breadsticks and 2 plates of fresh fruit. I was hoping that the fruit counteracted the soup/breadsticks.

When I got back to the office, I think my on/off switch started to flick on and I "felt" a little. Immediately I got a headache and took some of the weak narcotic pain meds I have to treat the headaches. The fear and upset and "bad" feelings started to kick in and I could actually feel them in the pit of my stomach. It was doing flip flops and my brain was racing, trying to make sense of it all.

And I waited for the feeling that others talk about, the feeling to binge. But it never came. What came instead is the urge to cut out of work early. Race home and lay in bed watching mindless TV the rest of the day in a dark room. I'd wait until Pete came home and cuddle him in my arms while we did nothing by lay there. Then we'd order food for dinner and lay some more.

I'm trying to connect the bad things that happen to my inability to get back on the Healthy Train. I'm trying to feel the feelings as they occur. But I can't connect the dots. All that results is that I'm even more frustrated with the process.

I'm trying to sit with my feelings and feel them. Feel the uncertainty about the future. The worry about money. The worry about Pete and his mental health. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach, in the pain of my head, in the tiredness of my muscles. But I don't know what it means in relation to my journey.

I need a plan

2011-07-12T11:42:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking over the last few days. I need a plan. You see Pete is challenged by 'beating' himself. Not hitting himself, but beating his last workout or his last weight loss or his last calorie burn. I don't seem to have that in me. But I am a planner. I like to plan things out and know how and when things are going to happen.

SO! I need a plan.

Second step of this pre-plan is that I need to remember what worked for me in the past. What I was doing when I was successful. One thing I do know is that I liked having a calendar on my closet wall telling me what I needed to be doing each day. So for now, until I can figure out what else worked for me, I'm going to do the calendar.

It's not that I'm not going to work out this week. Not at all. But the grand plan starts Monday.

I'm Learning From Others

2011-07-08T09:03:00.001-05:00

Getting to that place, or developing that skill, required letting go. I had to let go of a lot of hopes and dreams and expectations. The hope that this would be easy, the dream that it would be fast, and the expectation that I would never mess up. I was holding on to those things with all my might and as a result, I had no might to do the work that needed to be done. I couldn't do the work while I was just standing there trying to hold onto stuff. Beginning again requires letting go, and taking risk.

This from Real Fat Blog. I read blogs everyday. Sometimes on my netbook at home at night. Sometimes on my couple minute breaks or lunch at work. Sometimes on my Google Reader on my phone. There are funny ones, recipe ones, crafting ones, child ones, friend's blogs and weight loss blogs.

The weight loss ones have been foremost on my mind lately. I see the people who've lost more weight than me and I dream of being where they are now. I see the people who've just started and remember that I was once them. I see the people who've chosen a different path and wonder if I should have chosen that path too.

And sometimes, something that one of the bloggers says just hits me. Smacks me right in the middle of my forehead as a wake up call. Sometimes one of them inspires me so much that I cry because of their accomplishment. Sometimes I recognize the struggle that they are in because I too am in that struggle at that very same time.

This quote up there, it smacked me yesterday afternoon. It hit me hard with the thought that I may be defeated, but I can go on. Although I say that I know this is a journey, I really don't get it at times. I don't internalize that I understand that it's not a quick process. I think that because Pete can lose weight like other people drink water, I believe that I should too. I say that I understand that it's okay not to be perfect with getting healthy, but I believe that I must be perfect for it to happen. I see that others easily find ways to lose and think that I too should have an easy solution to this issue. I say these things and think that saying them makes them real. When in fact, I need to truly understand them and internalize them to really get what they're all about.

I think Pete probably said it best a few months ago: It's not easy. It's hard. It hurts. But it's worth it. Sometimes that is my mantra on the treadmill and it gets me though. Sometimes. Other times I just want to give up no matter what. And still others I am rejuvenated by the time spent on the treadmill and could go for a lot longer than I had planned.

Slightly Less Defeated

2011-07-07T08:42:00.000-05:00

That's me.

I know that this is a journey. I know that it's a struggle. Some times though, I wonder why I was chosen to struggle. It seems that I find one area in my life that I work on that becomes less of a struggle, only to realize that I need to work on another area. Maybe this is what life is, one struggle after another? It seems though that not everyone struggles so much.

I need to find my healthiness mojo again. I seem to have lost it somewhere in the last 6 months. Pete now gets up at 4:30 to be at the gym every morning by 5 so he can get to work on time after working out. I used to do that. But the thought of doing that now...I just can't seem to do it. I can't seem to motivate.

I've been trying to think back over the last 6 months about what helped me. The month that I put up a workout schedule on the closet door and tried to keep to it, I did well. The 2 week period that rewarded myself with a new headscarf for motorcycling if I went 10/14 days I did well. When I track my food I do better with eating less calories.

I keep thinking about the phrase "Fake it 'til you make it." Maybe I need to keep going and going until it becomes something that I get into again? Maybe I need to find something new to do at the gym to motivate me and excite me. I want to track my food, but I have a hard time with it after a couple of days.

I need a new plan.

I so appreciate the comments from my last post. I am trying to think of the NSVs and a way to turn this around.

242; defeated

2011-07-05T10:21:00.000-05:00

I have to admit I feel a bit defeated. I stepped on the scale this morning and I was over 240.

I feel like such a failure.

I'm not eating horribly. I'm active all weekend long. I'm drinking lots of water and fresh fruit while on the motorcycles. I'm selecting leaner protein at meals out. But I'm gaining. It makes me want to throw up my hands and give up. It makes me think more and more about the lap band surgery. It scares me. It depresses me.

I see my husband lose weight while eating what he wants. I see him have the energy and drive to get to the gym every morning. I see him happier than he has been and in smaller sizes.

I feel defeated this morning.

Weekend Plans

2011-06-30T11:12:00.000-05:00

Today is my Friday. Actually yesterday was to be my Friday and today I was supposed to leave this morning for a motorcycle rally weekend. But with Pete's job, extended weekend plans are on hold. So this is my plan:

Today: I'm done around 1pm. I plan on taking my jewelry in for a check per the warranty. Then heading to the gym to workout. Then home where I have chicken marinating in Indian spices to grill with fresh corn on the cob and a tomato/cucumber salad

Tomorrow: I'm headed to the gym in the morning, then I have a couple of work reports to do from home. Then waiting for Pete to get home to do some riding.

Saturday: We're planning on riding down to the Wabasha area to check out things for the campout my club chapter puts on. It's an all day thing and my first all day riding this year. I CAN'T WAIT!

Sunday: Gym in the morning. The rest of the day is unplanned and usually that's the best kind of day for Pete and I. We're going to do riding, but where and what to see is the question.

Monday: More riding during the day. Then We're headed to Raceway Park for some redneck fun. My favorite is the figure 8s and the Flagpole Race. I think it's because I like the threat of crashes.

In all of this, my goal is to eat mindfully. Meaning, eat when I am hungry, not bored. Not eating more just to get my "share". Choosing leaner proteins when eating out and limiting fats. Indulging in treats, but making those limited. Water, Water and more Water.

Are you a Gobbler or a Saver?

2011-06-29T08:00:00.000-05:00

I read a post on a message board I belong to yesterday.

My daughter is 11. She and my husband have an ongoing issue with food. She complains to me about all of the food that she feels he eats too much of. Clearly this not the end of the world, but I have a very slight concern that this could alter her view on food at some point.

The problem in a nutshell is that if my husband likes something, it's gone. My daughter asked me to buy some dip at the store on Sunday. She opened it and had a little Sunday. She came back last night and she's scraping the bottom of the container because my husband apparently ate it all Sunday night. The same type of thing will happen with a box of ice cream treats. She'll have one and come back a few days later and he's had one every day until there aren't any.

I guess that is where it the food concern comes in. He's not eating the whole box at once or anything, but unless she also eats one a day, she doesn't get any. I don't want her starting to feel like she needs to eat at his pace in order to get her share.

There were a whole bunch of responses about how the husband pays for the food so he can eat what he wants, when he wants it. More about how the parents control the food and she needs to quit worrying about it. But there was also a group who focused on the last sentence of the quote.

I don't want her starting to feel like she needs to eat at his pace in order to get her share.

I remember doing this.

Money was tight when I was a kid. We never went hungry, but treats and things were a minimum. I have a distinct memory of baking a loaf of quick bread from the back of the cabinet when my parents were at work one day. Then keeping it in my room in my bottom desk drawer to eat all for myself. I remember my mom coming home with groceries and I cut off a hunk of the mozzarella chunk and took it too my room to eat. With the bread, I don't think my parents every knew about it. If they did, they never said anything. With the mozzarella, I remember getting into trouble because it was all supposed to be used for a lasagna my Mom was making. I remember my sister hiding tomatoes on her window sill until they ripened so she'd get her share of tomatoes from the garden.

My family wasn't big on desserts. But when we went to other people's houses, especially my Grandma's, there would be dessert after every meal. When there was ice cream or cake or something like that at our house, I think I over ate, so that I would feel like I got my share of it. After the pattern emerged, I think I started doing it with savory food also.

Even to this day...there are times were I find myself eating something at home because I like it and I want to get my share in. How silly is that? I'm an adult with the ability to buy more, but I still take larger portions or eat it more often to make sure that I get my share. I'm thankful for reading that yesterday. I triggered something in me that said "I am your daughter! Please figure this out so she doesn't become me!" It also make me realize what I am doing and that I need to take steps to make the changes so that I don't do that.

My goal in the next 2 weeks is to realize when I am doing this, what food it is and really think about why I'm doing it or what I'm afraid of.

Tips On Getting Healthy...from a guy

2011-06-28T09:42:00.000-05:00

No, not Pete. Although I should ask him sometime...

Check out this article from a former fat guy about getting healthy.

Learn to love exercise.
Focus on short term goals.
Embrace vanity.
Don't give up the quest for looking your best.
Decide that you're not in the best shape of your life.
Eat breakfast.
Focus on "satisfied' not "full'.
Try going to bed a little hungry.
Get most of your calories from the grocery store.
Focus on low calorie density foods.

Simple things, right? I'm here to tell you that I have trouble on the simple things. Starting with number one. I certainly don't love exercise, unless it's the 30 minutes after I've just completed it where I have that wonderful feeling of accomplishing something. If I could just bottle that feeling... I can't seem to find vanity when it counts. And I have a hard time sleeping when my tummy sounds like 2 dinosaurs are fighting inside it.

Yet, he's right. Eating out for Pete and I has become a feast or famine kind of thing. We go for weeks without eating out at all, then weeks were it seems like all we do is eat out. Eating out isn't good. You have no clue how they really prepare your items; no idea how fresh the items are or where they came from. You can't control many parts to the meal like sodium and fats. When I eat at home, I know what I'm making and how I made it. Simple.

Full vs satisfied. I struggle with this too. I struggle with it because I struggle with hunger. My hunger switch is all messed up. For a long time I was never hungry because I was eating whatever, whenever. Real hunger is a feeling in your tummy, not an emotional switch in your head. I struggle with learning about when I'm really hungry vs when I just want to eat. Therefore the satisfied vs full feeling is also hard. However, it doesn't mean that I don't try to do this. I'm much better about taking 1 portion of food at home, eating my meal and then deciding if I'm still unsatisfied and need more. I'm much better about leaving food on my plate when we do go out and not feeling guilty about wasting it. But I can certainly do better with this.

I am in the best shape of my life right now. Well except for when I was playing softball in high school. Yet I can't let that stop me from trying to get in better shape. I can't sit back and think that this is it. I need to learn to love the exercise and get in better shape. And still when I do that I need to keep seeking more. It really is a never ending battle, not a quick thing.

This former fat guy is right on so many levels.

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

2011-06-27T12:23:00.000-05:00

Good: Pete started his job today. I spent 40 minutes on the treadmill Saturday alternating walk/job every minute and logged 2.75 miles. I grilled halibut Saturday night that was awesomely good. I have meals planned out for the week because it's busy. We had fire Friday night on our patio and roasted s'mores.

Bad: Pete learned that the position he was temporarily hired for will go through an interview process in the next month that he must go through also. I didn't work out at the gym on Friday or yesterday. The bathroom in the B&B we stayed in this weekend was tiny - as in my knees wouldn't fit in the room with me and I had to sit sideways on the potty. We got lost yesterday on the way to a graduation and I was frustrated with our GPS and Google Maps on my phone.

Ugly: My white legs. Seriously. They NEVER see sun because when we're outside in the summer it's with the bikes and I'm in jeans and riding boots. I've tried all kinds of sunless tanners (no tanning beds for me) and I streak like no body's business with all of them.

How about you?

Pete

2011-06-22T10:30:00.000-05:00

I haven't updated on Pete in a couple of weeks. Partly because I was worried about him. Partly because I didn't know what to say.

What I can say is that he was getting really obsessive about continuing to lose weight, despite telling me that he was happy with his weight. He was working out every day - 2 hours - running and then some weights. He was obsessed about food consumption and back to asking me every meal if he was over eating. He wasn't sleeping at night. He had decided to start sleeping while I was at work, being up with me in the evenings to do things and then up all night while I was sleeping. He said that he felt like he was going crazy from being at home by himself all day getting rejections from all the applications that he was sending in for jobs.

When he started thinking about changing his sleeping patterns for his mental health, I knew that this was serious. I know that people think unemployment is a joke and people abuse it, but there are just as many people who use it as it should be and struggle. Pete is that person. He is caught between not getting the jobs that he can do because there are so many people out of work with more school/experience to fill those jobs; and not getting the lower jobs because employers were afraid he would leave right away. He has a log of over 400 applications in the last 6 months. Some of the applications are small and done in 15 minutes with a resume attached. Some of them were over 3 hours of questions to answer plus a resume. It really does become a full time job to find a job.

Yesterday Pete called me at work about 5 with news. He was offered a temporary to permanent job through one of the temp agencies he was registered with. AMEN. AMEN. I could hear the excitement in his voice. I could hear his smile and his relief through the phone. I could sense that he was calmer and more himself again. And I was reminded that I will never be given more than I can handle and I need to believe in the power of believing.

So no 4th of July trip and likely no Annual Run with the motorcycle club to Michigan later this summer. But I'll take the sanity of my husband over any trip.

Congrats honey.

Evening Workouts and Eating

2011-06-21T09:59:00.001-05:00

Okay, I need some help. For the next 7 weeks I have Monday night workouts with my new trainer. I'm so a morning workout girl. I think that morning workouts rock for several reasons: I'm more motivated fresh out of bed, it makes my day better, I workout better/longer, I have more energy and I can actually commit to not being busy then.

Only Pete and I are sharing a trainer. I head there right after work and my workout is 5:15(ish) to 5:45. Since Pete isn't working, he takes the 30 minutes before me. So, uh, what do I do about dinner? Last night we ended up going to Subway across from the gym and bringing it home and eating. It was good. I intellectually crave light meals after a workout because it seems strange to workout hard and counteract it with a heavy meal. After eating, we decided to head back to the gym and use the spa and the sauna. We ended up there until 8 and by the time we got home and settled in, it was 8:30. By bedtime at 10pm I was a bit hungry. I ate some nuts. I woke up at midnight and my stomach sounded like there was a herd of dinosaurs in it rumbling around. I was H.U.N.G.R.Y! And I woke up starving this morning.

So what do I do? How do I combat this hunger? Or do I just live with it? My hunger button is off naturally because I wasn't listening to it for so long when I was just eating whatever, whenever. Is this what it's supposed to be like?

If it helps, in the future, Pete and I would like to workout until 5:45 and head directly to the spa/sauna for 30 minutes afterwards and then eat something.

I'm welcoming any ideas!

489, Not What You Thnk...

2011-06-20T15:15:00.000-05:00

Thankfully I have not eaten so much that I now weigh 489 pounds.

Nope. This is post #489 on this blog for me.

Per the stats, I've been read in many different countries - UAE, Japan, China, Germany, Canada, and the US just to name a few. Most people read the blog from IE and Firefox next. And similarly most people use Windows vs Mac or other systems. Traffic sources are varied - some blogs I read, some sites I belong to and even some twitter sources. My most viewed post as of now is about Evernote. And lastly I got the most views in January 2011.

My first post was in August 2004 about nothing. But my intent on starting blogging was twofold. Firstly I love to journal and look back at those journals to remember the feelings and the things that I was going through. It lets me see how far I've come and that life will go on, no matter the issues I face at any given time. Secondly, I didn't have a close friend to share all this with. Sounds sad, huh? But really it's just who I was then and somewhat who I still am. I don't let people in very easily or often. The blog was and is and way to let it out to someone and not face the thought of getting hurt by what I say. I realize that when I made this public, I opened myself up to that, but thankfully it hasn't occurred.

So I'm thinking that sometime in July I'll have reached 500 posts. It will have taken me almost 7 years exactly to reach that. Some years I posted A LOT, and others I posted very little. But posting has now become a habit for me in the last couple of years and I post more often than not.

So here's to 490 coming soon...

Facing my future

2011-06-18T09:02:00.000-05:00

Do you watch Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution? I'm both horrified and amazed when I watch it. If not, go to ABC and watch the June 10th episode. It's powerful.

The show it's self is powerful in teaching you about food and where it comes from. It's certainly made me really think about whole, natural food from a source that I can verify. It's made me realize that the USDA and the government has regulations, but it doesn't necessarily mean that those regulations are protecting my body.

But more importantly, it has made me realize that I'm fighting the decisions I made as a teen and in looking at my parents/aunts & uncles and grandparents as my future if I don't make some real life changes. My mom has high blood pressure, chronic pain, is over weight, issues with vitamin deficiencies... My dad is diabetic, over weight, high blood pressure... My grandparents had stroke, high blood pressure, diabetic, some over weight... None of them wanted this. None of them thought they'd be in that place.

I can't help but think that this is my future unless I made real changes in how I treat my body. I see this 60+ year old Michelle as someone who is still overweight and struggling, high blood pressure (even though it's usually low now), diabetic, high cholesterol. Through tears, I can tell you that is not what I want. I have a different picture in my head of what my 60 year old self would look like and be able to do.

I need to fight with my 41 year old body. I need to fight with my 41 year old muscles. I need to fight with my 41 year old mind. I need to fight FOR my soul.

My 10 Pound Yo Yo - 235

2011-06-17T08:54:00.000-05:00

235 again. And while it's a lowering of my number on the scale, it's somewhat frustrating.

I feel like I'm carrying around a 10 pound yo yo. Some weeks it's all wound up tight and I'm at 240. Other weeks it's all let out and I'm at 230. And still yet there are weeks where that yo yo is halfway up and I'm at 235.

I'm hoping the next 7 weeks will change this. I haven't been able to work out since last Friday. (I swear I could sleep 20/24 hours every day.) But it all changes on Monday. Pete and I start training with a new trainer on Monday. And it's going to be my 7 weeks of concerted effort to throw away my 10 pound yo yo.

No Mono

2011-06-16T14:53:00.000-05:00

I thought I had mono ya'll. Seriously. I have glands the size of jumbo eggs on the sides of my face, I'm tired as H. E. double hockey sticks and I've had a headache for the last week that I can't get rid of. So I went in to the doctor's office that I seem to be at a lot in the last year and saw one of the doctors. He too thought I had mono, as did the student intern (who appeared to be all of 12 years old and in middle school). So he they felt my glands, he they looked in my ears, he they checked out my throat and my nose. Then sent me for blood work.

Now I have to say that I am a very giving person. I'll go to many lengths to be generous because I like how it makes me feel on the inside. Giving blood? That's a different story all together. I'm stingy. I'm so stingy that I usually come home with both inner elbows and few spots on my arms looking like Dracula bit them 2 days ago. But this time was different. They have a new blood-drawer-needle-tube-thingy that made the process so much better and the plebotomist (look at that fancy $5 word!) was an angel sent from above to painlessly collect some cells. Afterwards she sent me back to my room to wait for the doctor (and his ~~kid~~ intern) to bring me my results.

You wanna know something funny? While waiting my phone dinged, telling me I had an email. So I opened it. It. Was. My. Test. Results. Seriously! I got my test results from my lab, by email in about 5 minutes. Which would have been great if I A) Knew how to read them. and B) It didn't take the doctor and his ~~kid~~ intern 20 additional minutes to return to me.

Anyway, no mono. Which is good, because then I don't have to explain to Pete who else I was kissing since it is known as the Kissing Disease. Just kidding honey! What's not so great is that I have no concrete explanation for the headaches, the tiredness and the eggs strapped to my jaws. So it's another round of steroids to clear up the mystery virus. Who knows, maybe this time I'll really fly like Superman on them instead of feeling crappy like I usually do.

Facebook and Family

2011-06-15T10:01:00.000-05:00

I've said it here before, my Mom and I didn't have the best relationship as I was growing up. In fact it was hard. The ups and downs have lasted into my adulthood. It's not that I don't love her, because I do and I believe that she loves me. And I truly think that she did the best that she could in her decisions at the time that she made them.

I think that our youth colors how we react to things as adults. I think that we want the better for our children than we had as children. Yet, there are times when adults make mistakes and are unable to see them based on their past. From the conversations that I've had with my Mom about her childhood, I believe that she raised my sister and I trying to counteract her childhood and the decisions my grandparents made with her and her siblings.

It took me until I was about 30 for me to realize that she did the best that she could and I needed to understand that. It took me until I was about 35 for me to realize that I need to make ME happy and hope that she understood and supported me. I spent too many years hoping for the relationship that you see on TV, only to realize that it's not going to happen and to enjoy what we do have.

So you can see that the relationship that I have with her now is colored by our past together. And yet, we do ok. We talk weekly, we share things and I think that she has come to the realization that I am my own person and she needs to accept that. She's also admitted that some of things that she did in the past were wrong, but that she didn't know any better. And more importantly she's apologized to my husband for something she did.

In the last couple of years my Mom has commented several times about Facebook. Either asking what my cousins were doing (because we no longer see them very much) or asking about what my brother in law put on there about my niece & nephew or other things. In the back of my mind I've been fearful of her joining and I'd gloss over the details of things when she asked in the hopes that she wouldn't join.

Well, she did. And I thought it was the end of the world. I thought about limiting what she saw in the hopes that it would mean she wasn't asking questions about things or making comments about choices I made. But I realized that it was more work than I wanted to put in. For the first week I really considered what I wrote and commented on. Then I decided to let it go. I don't say things on Facebook that I wouldn't say in real life. I am an adult who can make adult decisions. I let it go.

Then I didn't hear from her for a couple of weeks. When I called her I asked her how she was doing because we hadn't talked in a few weeks. She said the most amazing thing. "Honey I feel like we talk every day on Facebook." As we talked more about Facebook she said that I posted some funny things and that she felt like she was seeing a whole new side to me.

The conversation was a good one and it really made me think. I was reminded that I only show certain people a little part of me, the part that I wanted them to see. I do this so that I'm protected and I won't get hurt by showing all of me. I must do the same thing with my parents. On Facebook I likely do the same thing, only there are so many different parts of my world on there, I likely show the most (aside from Pete) there. She likely sees more of the complete me on Facebook than she's ever seen. And she's happy about it. She likes it.

I've been thinking about this ever since that conversation. Maybe my family being part of Facebook isn't so bad after all.

Summer Blogging

2011-06-14T11:46:00.000-05:00

My admission: Summer blogging is more widespread for me. It's not that I don't blog in the summer, it's that my schedule of work and play and errands and working out is so different than the winter, that I sometimes don't blog on Fridays or Mondays. But I'm still here!

My second admission: I have a blogging app on my phone and I don't use it often enough. But my goal is to be better about it this summer.

I've kind of gotten away from the Mid Week With Pete posts. He's been pretty stable in food and weight lately. He's figuring out what his body means when it does certain things and how he needs to respond. I'm really glad. He's gone from BMI of 44 to 30 as of yesterday. However, it's still considered obese by the standards. He's 6'1 and 227 pounds. He's in a large t shirt and 36 jeans. Awesome! They want him to be at 167 pounds, but I think it's too thin for his frame and so does he. So he's going to work on muscle building and not focus so much on the weight, but rather the BMI number.

Can I tell you a secret? He is 1 pound away from losing 100. Seriously. In 6 months he's lost 100 (almost) pounds. People keep telling him that they almost don't recognize him. People keep telling him that he looks great and that he's skinny. And it's very interesting. Because as soon as they tell him all that and see me standing there, they tell me that I look good too. I'm wary of this. I can't tell if it's a "pity" statement or a real one. And to be honest I'm afraid to ask. But ti does make me want to try harder with the gym again.

Co-Personal Training?

2011-06-09T10:48:00.000-05:00

Last week I signed Pete and I up for a co-training session at the gym. Then I came home and told him about it while he was a bit sleepy. Then I had to remind him several times during the week that I had done this. I did it for several reasons.

1. I am more motivated to a workout schedule if I'm involved in a class that I pay for or training that I pay for. I want to get my money's worth.

2. Personal training really helped me in the last year. It gave me the tools to strength train on my own after we had built up some of my muscles and figured out the correct form and motion of the weights.

3. It gave me a goal to work toward of building up muscles in certain areas.

4. I wanted Pete to have the same as the above 3 things.

5. Pete lifts weights on his own, but focuses solely on his arms and chest. I tried several times to get him to do my workouts with me so it was a total body work out and I am obviously not a good personal trainer for him.

6. Pete wants to get his core strengthened so that it doesn't hurt (because that's where the port is attached to his body) when he exercises. To do that he needs to go about it slowly and accurately. I trainer can help with that.

7. Pete gets easily frustrated by the guys in the weights area that hog the space and hog the weights. A trainer is somewhat like a buffer and has no issue with telling the hoggers to give it up for others and be respectful.

8. In the end we would both have 7 workouts written down to recreate for ourselves in the gym at later dates.

9. I want to be healthy and happy.

10. I want Pete to be healthy and happy.

There are my reasons. I purposely picked a trainer that Pete liked. One that was encouraging, but not too forceful and wouldn't let Pete get away with anything either. He is actually the head trainer. Only he picked a different trainer for us, saying that the fit would be better. I was initially disappointed. But Pete seemed to click with him also and I don't think that he would let Pete get away with anything.

We spent 30 minutes doing a workout together. When I did an exercise, Pete did a different one and at other times we were doing the same thing. For instance we both did wall squats together. But while I was doing standing body rows, Pete was holding a plank. However long it took me to to do 12 rows was how long Pete had to hold his. It worked out ok, but clearly we have different strengths and limitations. Ultimately we decided to buy a package of sessions and split them so that we each get half. Unfortunately it's expensive and we can't/should really be spending that much with Pete out of work. But...and it's a big but...I want Pete to have the structure and he would never agree to do it unless I did it also.

So even though we're not co-personal training, we're personal training. And at some point I think it would be a good thing to train together. I look at it as something that would be an us time in a healthy way. Something that would give us a really close connection helping each other work out. And honestly, I would be kind of sexy to see him with some bulging muscles, all sweaty and lookin' good. (too much information? lol)

My Incomplete Letter To Me

2011-06-07T08:33:00.000-05:00

For the last year I've seen bloggers writing letters to themselves when they were kids. Brad Paisley wrote a song all about writing a letter to his younger self. It's made me think about what things I'd tell myself as a kid. I've started and stopped many a letter to myself in the last year. Some were handwritten, some were typed on the computer and some were made in my head. Yet none of them seems to capture what I really want to say.

I want to tell my younger self so many things. Mostly I want to tell myself that everything will eventually work out. That I can survive the worst of the worst and be happy with the best of the best. I want to tell myself to take more chances and regret less. I want to tell myself to really think about health and weight and exercise. I want to tell myself that it's ok to ask for help and get help; everyone does it. I want to tell myself to learn to put my needs first because no one else can make me happy. I want to tell myself to open my heart and let love in. I want to tell myself that life may not turn out like I planned it at 5, but it's ok.

I think my original list was almost 50 items long. Although I'm not posting them all here, the point is that I recognize them. I understand them. I learn from them NOW. It's amazing that at 41, I am still learning about the me now and the me then. Pete and I were talking last night about a child in our lives. I explained that I was that messy, emotional teen age girl. I'd have something wrong and cry and cry and my parents would have to pull out of me what was actually wrong. Pete mentioned that I still do that at times and he has to pull out of me what is wrong. I realized that I don't often times share my worries and concerns because I don't want to impose on others. And it occurred to me that I don't open up, but exhibit outward signs of distress as a test. A test to see who in my life will notice and ask me. As if only those who ask really care about me. I admitted this to Pete and he agreed.

Now what do I do with this? I keep figuring things out. I keep using the information to push forward. And I regroup and be a better me

237 and Camping Success

2011-06-06T10:00:00.000-05:00

This is my summer weekend home:

I'm always working on organizing to get away from the mess!

Looking out the door from the bed.

It's a Time Out Camper. It's about 5'x4' when it's folded up and Pete pulls it behind his motorcycle. When it's folded out it's about 5'x14'. It's pretty cool to think that we can put all the things that we need for a 2-3 week trip in that camper and on the motorcycles and just go.

We belong to a motorcycle club that id very different than the 'gangs' you see on TV. Firstly, they allow women to become members. I'm no one's property and I won't be part of an organization that doesn't allow women. Secondly, they don't allow any drugs or alcohol. Motorcyclng is dangerous as it is and I wasn't interested in being around a bunch of people who were drinking and getting on motorcycles next to me. And the best part is that in this club Pete and I have found many great friends.

The club has many different chapters all over MN and WI. During the summer each chapter plans and hosts a camping weekend. It's awesome. We see all kinds of places in MN, ride all over the state and have fun with these people. So when I say that the camper is my weekend summer home I really mean it. I think there are 2, maybe 3, weekends this summer that we aren't spending in the camper. And I love it. It relaxes me and chills me out and refreshes me and a whole host of other things. I love sleeping next to Pete in the outdoors and hearing on the summer sounds of frogs and crickets and animals and seeing the stars and occasionally the lighting show from a passing storm. I love it when it's warm and the windows stay open and when it's cold and we snuggle under the covers.

This weekend we did things a bit differently. Usually the host chapter provides all the food, other than one big meal. Only this means junk. Candy, popcorn, Ho-Ho's, cookies, fried donuts, sodas, hot dogs, chili... And in the past Pete and I joined right in. We'd get up and go out for breakfast at 7 and spend all day eating junk. Not this year. I packed a cooler of bags of fresh fruit (THANK YOU COSTCO MEMBERSHIP!) like strawberries, kiwis, blueberries, grapes and watermelon. I also had bags of shelled pistachios and mini peanut butter pretzels in 1 serving bags. I had sugar free jello and puddings for Pete and greek yogurt for me. We stuck to water and put the sugar free flavorings from Target in them. And when we did go out to eat, Pete and I split meals to save calories and because really we don't need full meals.

The result? I lost weight over the weekend. A pound, but still. I'm so happy that this worked out.

My Plate

2011-06-02T12:27:00.000-05:00

So what do you think?

This is the new guidelines from the USDA on eating. When I was a kid I learned this:

Starches on the bottom meant that you were to eat more grains and starches than anything. Can you say Hello Carbs? Then fruits and veggies to the tune of about -7 servings a day. Then protein & dairy and last oils and fats. Seemed simple at the time.

Then kids got this:

Which is a pyramid, but not really a pyramid. How confusing! It's really a pie chart in a triangle.

So now we are back to the plate. Check out Choose My Plate by USDA for more information about the new graphic. It looks more like a meal and I think that visually it's easier to understand how much of each meal should be in each group. It's similar to the plate that Pete got while he was going through the process for his band. It's much like the divided plates and containers that you get with the lunch systems and Zip Loc containers.

I think it's an improvement - you?

What If?

2011-05-31T13:56:00.000-05:00

I'm admitting it. Lately I've been thinking about how hard I've been working off and on and how little weight I seem to lose. It's a struggle to keep going recently. I can't figure out why. I seem to be doing the same things over and over with no different result. It makes me wonder if it's all worth it. Oh sure, I'm proud of the muscles I'm growing and the working out that I do. I'm proud that my pants from 2007 riding season fit me again. I'm proud to be in an XL shirt instead of women's sizes.

This weekend I took this picture of Pete:

Pete heading up the hill at Ft Snelling to where his parents are laid to rest.

Look how skinny he is! And yet, when he reads off the BMI chart, he is still considered obese. He now fits into a size 36 pants. At his heaviest, a 48 was very tight and a 50 fit okay. I look at him and I have to admit that I wonder what it would be like to have the gastric band. I wonder if I would be able to drop weight easier and actually keep it off; instead of doing this 10 pound drop & gain circle I've been in since January. I wonder if I'd qualify. I wonder what my life would be like afterwards and if I'd have the same experiences as Pete.

If I'm honest I've wondered all these things for the last month or so. Secretly. On the inside. This weekend Pete seemed to be able to read my mind. He can see how much I'm struggling. How much I want this thinner me. And he asked me what is holding me back from seeking out the band. My number one response is fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the surgery process (I've had some bad experiences in the past). Fear of what my family would say. Only when he asked, I told him that thinking about having it made me feel like a failure. And as soon as I said it I realized that I had insulted him. I had spent months telling him that he was not a failure and not to think of the band like that. Yet, here I was admitting that this is how I would feel. I felt instantly bad.

We ended up in a long conversation about it. Nothing was decided and I haven't made an appointment to seek out the surgery. But it's still back there. I'm starting to think that it may be an option for me unless I can figure out a way to change and see some results. I'm thinking that I need to give myself the summer to work out and eat and re-evaluate my status come the end of September. Time to figure out all the what ifs.

Pete & I

2011-05-26T11:42:00.000-05:00

Since I missed the weekly Pete thread I thought I'd update you. He's fluctuating between being happy with how the band is and thinking that it needs tightening. Last weekend we went to a restaurant and split a meal because neither of us needs to eat a whole meal. Halfway through Pete's meal he felt a little full. He took another couple of bites to see what would happen. Sure enough he was overfull and in agony. He's figured out that there is a little spasming of the esophagus when he is getting full and he needs to listen to that.

Today he announced that he was 4 pounds up. He's is upset and tends to think in the here and now instead of the overall picture. So he has plans to exercise a lot and measure his food for the next week and see what happens.

Me? I lifted weights yesterday because I didn't get to it earlier in the week. Today it hurt to put my deodorant on because my pec muscles were sore. Too funny. I tried to jog today at the gym and it just wasn't happening after my weights yesterday. My legs were tired. So I walked and kept my heart rate in the fat burn zone for the 45 minutes.

As for food, I purchased $60 in fruit & veggies at Costco yesterday. No chocolate, crap or snacks. My plan is to keep eating fresh, clean foods as much as possible and keep doing what I'm doing.

Boredom Equals Eating

2011-05-24T14:49:00.000-05:00

I work in an office. I'd say an average of 85% of my day is spent in front of my work computer, at my desk. It's a great set up. I have 2 wide screen monitors for the work that I do. I have a great lamp over the two monitors that lights them out nicely with no glare. I have a computer desk that lets me adjust the height of my keyboard and the angle of it. I have an ergonomic keyboard and a trackball mouse. My chair is blue and it also adjusts the height, the angle, whether it rocks back and the position of the arm rests.

Next to my computer desk on one side is my windows. I'm on the third floor and I look out into a yard on the campus. It's filled with leafy green trees (currently), green grass and other buildings. The window sill is filled with various things: pictures of my nieces/nephews and Pete and I, a greeting card or two and a big box of tissues from home.

On the other side of the computer desk is my desk...uh desk. I have a digital picture frame with lots of pictures on it. I currently have a 3 wick lilac candle that reminds me outside. I have a 3 tier mail sorter for the documents and mail that I go through. I have a tiny toy motorcycle that Pete gave me when I passed my motorcycle test. I have a few rocks from up north that Pete and I collected on our first "trip" away.

When I sit at this set up I work on computer files and in a database unique to my agency. As I said, I sit here about 85% of my time during most weeks. The other time is spent on different floors or in different offices consulting with coworkers.

2 weeks out of every 90 days I spend in another office. I meet with clients and therefore do so in the main office. When I am in there I must remind myself to eat. I have no desire to snack, even if my day is slow. My office however, is a grazing buffet. I have red licorice, almond thin crackers, Kashi granola bars, oatmeal (usually used for breakfasts), some canned soups, english muffins (again breakfast), orange marmalade and peanut butter.

I just realized today that I graze at my desk when I am bored. Not hungry. Bored. I wonder if this is why it felt better and I had better success when I was eating 6 small meals a day? I always felt like I was snacking and that's what my brain expects when I sit in my office chair. At any rate I need to figure out a way to retrain my brain not to snack. Unfortunately we don't have a kitchen or eating area other than our meeting room on another floor. That room is sometimes booked so I can't utilize it. I need to eat in my office if I want to eat at the office.

Any suggestions?