Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Day One

On a whim I got on the scale yesterday. It sucked. I gained 10 pounds of what I had lost over the winter. To make matters worse, yesterday was my first alterations appointment. And it's not that my dress doesn't fit - far from it. Actually she has to take in the sides about 2 inches. It's that I feel better when I weigh less. I've been tired and have no energy lately too.

So today is day one of walking/running. I got up at 5 and walked for 25 minutes. Boy did it suck! But I did it and I'll keep increasing my time and amount of running each day. My goal is to do it every weekday before work.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Ever get that feeling that you know something will happen?

Last night Pete and I were on the bike on backroads home. We were going the posted speed limit - 45 - on a road that leads up to a little lake. All the sudden this blue 4 door car passes us like we were standing still. To add to it, we were in a no passing zone. There was a car about 1000 yards ahead of us that he also passed in a no passing zone.

I said, "If he continues like that he'll never make it around the lake." The lake road as s curves that follow the shoreline of the lake. As we got to a hill about 1000 yards from the lake we see the car pass yet anothe car like it's standing still and in another no passing zone right before the lake.

About a minute later we round a curve in the lake and there is the car. It had gone around a bend that curved away from the lake too fast and when he took the next bend he headed to the lake fast. He had to overcorrect to avoid going off the bank into the lake. When he did he crashed headfirst into a tree on the opoosite side. He hit so hard that the engine was partially in the passenger compartment. His airbag went off. And it took a huge chunk out of the tree and swong the car 180 degrees so the back end was opposite of the direction he was going.

We got there only seconds afterwards and he was out of the car. Only he was calling his friend to tell him that he got in an accident. A motorist had stopped & just connected with 911. I gave the location and they send squads out. The driver couldn't have been more than 17/18. He said he was ok and continued talking to his friend. Then he called his mom.

I told Pete that I didn't want to get the kid in trouble, but that we needed to stay to talk to the police and let them know how fast he was going. That this wasn't just an accident that couldn't be avoided. When the police got there he tried to tell them that there was an oncoming car. Only we never saw an oncoming car go our way so it would have had to turn into one of the houses as there are no roads. We let the police know that he was going way to fast & passing illegally. They took Pete's name and number.

You know, that kid has an angel on his shoulders. The car is totalled. He had to have been going about 40-45 with the force of the crash and the skid marks. He is indded lucky that he survived.

It was weird and made me shake. Almost like I knew that it was going to happen and then it did.

Monday, July 28, 2008


When we go places on the bike I see the back of Pete's head. I can lean around either side of his head a little to see some of what is in front of us, but I can't see it all. Because I sit over the back wheel I feel every little bump. Sometimes the bumps are so small that I hardly feel them. Others, it feels like my spine was compressed and I lost about 5 inches of height. Pete's really good about alerting me to most bumps by yelling "BUMP!" right before he hits it.

Friday night we ran some errands and went to dinner. On the way home we decided to check out the movies. We ended up seeing Journey to the Center of the Earth. It's a little far fetched in the storyline, but very funny. Brendan Fraiser's character keeps telling the others what is coming during the eciting scenes and it reminded me of Pete telling me that there was a bump coming up.

We left the theater a little after 11pm and decided to take back roads home, rather than the freeway. It was such a beautful night. I spent a lot of it with my head tilted back looking at the stars. There are things you experience on the back of a motorcycle that you will never experience anywhere else.

About halfway home, and as I was staring up, I hear Pete yell "WET!" which means that the road ahead is wet and I'm probably going to get a little wet as we ride through. No problem, I check by looking around his head and then go back to staring up at the sky. Then I hear this little voice ahead of me say "oh no." Softly. So I peer back around his head and yell, "THAT'S NOT WET! THAT'S A FARM SPRINKLER!!!" The farmer had it set too close to the road. So I ducked my head and we rode through one of those huge farm sprinklers.

It was as if we were in our own little movie. Our own little action adventure.

Friday, July 25, 2008


No camping this weekend. It's the first weekend this month that we haven't packed up on Thursday or Friday and left to camp. And while I love to camp and love being with Pete, I'm somewhat glad. I feel like I need to get more done for the wedding. So, this weekend is the weekend of getting things done.

Our future weekends look like this:
Next weekend we baby sit my niece/nephew overnight Saturday.
The following weekend is my shower on Saturday.
The following weekend is a campout near the Iowa border.
The following wekend is a campout in Rochester.
The following weekend is free. (more wedding things & Labor Day weekend)
The following weekend is free.
The following wekend is fall campout.
The following weekend is pre-wedding. The weekend to get everything done that isn't already done.
The following weekend we get married.
The following weekend is a pot luck.

From then on, who knows. Point is that we have a lot to do in the next couple of months and it's going to be stressful and busy. I need to remember to chill out. To enjoy the moment instead of worrying about the future.

I had a weird dream last night. I dreamt that the Dry Riders kicked me out because I wasn't in revocery. I tried to explain that I could relate and wouldn't do anything to disrespect people's program, but it was no use. Pete got to stay though. I think it's because we're inviting the DR to the wedding, but serving alcohol also. I want/need to make sure that there is coffee available for them. Sheesh, the things that pop up!

Friday, July 18, 2008

Everything in moderation

I had a melt down last night. I know that I'm stressed out. I know it. I also know that I spend a lot of time trying to make sure that I have things done right and done by me. In all my years I have never learned to be a good delegator. Pete and I got into a silly argument and I cried. I don't know if he saw me cry or not, because I try to hide it. But I cried. In Cabela's. *sigh*

I know that everything will get done and we will have a wonderful wedding. In the process though there are a lot of things, little details, to worry about. I need to worry less and try to enjoy the process more.

So I made a list and I need to stick to it. Literally.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

16 Hours

I slept for the better past of 16 hours yesterday and Tuesday night. Then I was up for about 5 hours and slept last night for 8. I think all the running around, planning in my head, work and normal everyday life has caught up to me. Now I realize why couples have honeymoons. Before I thought it was just an excuse to get away and go someplace cool. Now I realize it's for the bride to recover from all the planning and hoopla leading up to the date. Too bad we're not planning one for right afterwards.

We went camping last weekend. Left Thursday night and didn't come home until Sunday afternoon. It wasn't very nice out - lots of high winds, rain and overall cool weather. The little tent camper held up through it all and except for a little spot on the sheet one night we were dry the whole time. I ended up not feeling well on Saturday and even took a little nap in the morning and one in the afternoon. And lets just say that the camper is broken in. *wink*

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the wedding planning, but I'm still having problems asking for help. I've always been an "I can do it all by myself" kind of person so why should this be any different. Sooner or later I'm going to need some help though. Hopfully not much, but I will need help.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Ideas long gone

I know, just know that I had a great idea in my head last night for a blog post. I mean I can remember thinking "Wow that would be cool!" Then I fell asleep and naturally it's gone.

Pete and I are headed out tomorrow for another camping weekend with the Dry Riders. I'm excited to spend a weekend away and actually relax.

Monday, July 07, 2008

The Pursuit of Happiness

I cannot be responsible for the happiness of others.

I must make my choices in pursuit of happiness for myself. Others can be happy for me, understand the choice I made or just be unappy about it all.

It took me 30 some odd years to get this concept. I keep wondering where the idea came from that I needed to please everyone else? I know that I've always sought positive affirmations from others and one sure way to get that is to make them happy. I know that my Mom made me let my sister tag along as a child with the idea that we'd be close and good friends so I was always thinking about whether or not it was something she could do also. I know that my Mom and I didn't have such a good relationship and for a long time I thought it was all my fault that the relationship wasn't good, when in reality is was both our faults. I know that I got tired of being shot down/being told no by my parents so I quit asking unless I knew that it was a good/yes answer.

Are any of those things that lead to the caretaking that I've done for years? The caretaking with family, friends and co-workers. Are any or all of those things that lead me to believe that I must strive to make others happy at the cost of my own happiness?

I don't know.

When I do know is that I am not responsible for the happiness of others. Simple statement. Yes and no. I do feel some responsibility to Pete's happiness as my partner. However, with that said, I also know that he would never ever make me do something for him that made me unbearly happy. That doesn't mean that I won't sit through a tv program that he liks and I hate. It does mean if he asked me to rob a bank with him, I'd feel no remorse for saying no. I also know that he would never ask me to do that.

My hard fought realization was confirmed with the meetings we had with the pastor during our counseling for pre-marriage. When I told him that I was a caretaker and that I only recently realized that I wasn't responsibile for the happiness of others, he said "Good." Coming from a man who does all kind of counseling, that was a wonderful affirmation to my realization.

Yet I needed to remind myself of it today in a conversation that I had with my sister about my mom. And I need to remind myself of it again when I think that I should have a friend be our wedding day coordinator even though I'm not sure that she can do the job. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I can't be responsible for her happiness, only mine.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

One of those days...

Man today was just one of those days. The kind that make you want to scream, eat chocolate and have a glass of wine while you relax.

1. I'm only trying to help, so calling me names and hanging up on me isn't going to help you.

2. I DO NOT get the answer tones on cell phones. The songs are usually ones about "bitches and ho's", about killing or hurting people or screaming at the top of their lungs. It's great that you want to hear it, but how often do you call your own phone & wait for yourself to answer? I certainly don't want to listen to it.

3. I'm getting forgetful. I thought I lost a whole bunch of money from my purse today. Really it was left on the kitchen table.

4. I'm waiting on mamogram results after the doctor office called me several times about getting past results for comparrison. Freaks me out.

5. I'm spreading myself too thin and I don't know how to rein it in without missing out.

6. I need to make a decision about the wedding and help and I'm afraid of hurting someone.

Just one of those days...